AP to “Stepmom”

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the expectation of inhertance. That's a parents choice based on many factors. If Dad remarries and is married 30-40+ years after this marriage, its not reasonable to expect her to get nothing and live in poverty. She should inherit it all and they need to agree on how to leave the proceeds. My sibling got both my parents to change their wills and leave them everything - or at least that's what they said (I cut them off at that point). It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only way I see that living with someone can be used as a financial lever is if the person is receiving alimony. Most agreements specify that once they are living with someone else or married, the alimony stops. I imagine that this is the sort of thing where the recipient of alimony has to go to court and complain about no longer getting her monthly check. She'd then be at the court's mercy as to whether she has to prove she's not living with someone or if the payer of alimony has to prove that she is cohabitating. Personally, if I were the payer and had enough tidbits of evidence to call it into question, I'd stop paying and wait for her to spend the money on a lawyer to try and enforce the agreement. But then again, I think that alimony is total bullshit, especially when the recipient refused to work while married and won't bother to get a job upon divorce.

"...the person who had the affiar should pay."

Amen to that. Bring back at fault divorces.

Of course, under project 2025 we may no longer HAVE divorces....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only way I see that living with someone can be used as a financial lever is if the person is receiving alimony. Most agreements specify that once they are living with someone else or married, the alimony stops. I imagine that this is the sort of thing where the recipient of alimony has to go to court and complain about no longer getting her monthly check. She'd then be at the court's mercy as to whether she has to prove she's not living with someone or if the payer of alimony has to prove that she is cohabitating. Personally, if I were the payer and had enough tidbits of evidence to call it into question, I'd stop paying and wait for her to spend the money on a lawyer to try and enforce the agreement. But then again, I think that alimony is total bullshit, especially when the recipient refused to work while married and won't bother to get a job upon divorce.

"...the person who had the affiar should pay."

Amen to that. Bring back at fault divorces.

Of course, under project 2025 we may no longer HAVE divorces....

Oof.

Has anyone had success at leveraging guilt or wanting to have nice things said about them re an affair to get more $ for the kids? I don’t need it for myself but AP seems like a gold digger and pushing for a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the expectation of inhertance. That's a parents choice based on many factors. If Dad remarries and is married 30-40+ years after this marriage, its not reasonable to expect her to get nothing and live in poverty. She should inherit it all and they need to agree on how to leave the proceeds. My sibling got both my parents to change their wills and leave them everything - or at least that's what they said (I cut them off at that point). It is what it is.

A spouse, at minimum, gets an elective share of 33-50% of the deceased person's estate. You can't disinherit your spouse. It is contrary to public policy as it shifts the responsibility to care for the living spouse from the marriage to the taxpayers.

Also, some people may not realize that some or much of a couple's apparent wealth may belong to their stepmom. Previously married men had to divide their assets in half plus many pay child support, alimony, and kids' expenses, including possibly their college, and may not have much left over when they pass. Sometimes, his wife is the one who saved, so the accounts are in her name and not a part of his estate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the expectation of inhertance. That's a parents choice based on many factors. If Dad remarries and is married 30-40+ years after this marriage, its not reasonable to expect her to get nothing and live in poverty. She should inherit it all and they need to agree on how to leave the proceeds. My sibling got both my parents to change their wills and leave them everything - or at least that's what they said (I cut them off at that point). It is what it is.

A spouse, at minimum, gets an elective share of 33-50% of the deceased person's estate. You can't disinherit your spouse. It is contrary to public policy as it shifts the responsibility to care for the living spouse from the marriage to the taxpayers.

Also, some people may not realize that some or much of a couple's apparent wealth may belong to their stepmom. Previously married men had to divide their assets in half plus many pay child support, alimony, and kids' expenses, including possibly their college, and may not have much left over when they pass. Sometimes, his wife is the one who saved, so the accounts are in her name and not a part of his estate.

But this is the purpose of a prenup is a second marriage yes? You can contract out of elective share if both parties agree?

That said I have no advice to offer on how you would (1) get a cheating spouse to agree in divorce proceedings that any future marriage must have a prenup and (2) actually enforce that because what happens if spouse goes ahead and marries AP without a prenup?

It seems better to require some commitment to funding accounts or trusts in the children’s name at time of divorce ?

[Anonymous]

My brother had an affair when his son was 3-4 years old and married ap when son was about 5 (ap was pregnant). They now have two children / have been married about a decade. I don’t ageee with how they went about things, but she adores my nephew and he’s crazy about his younger siblings and his “bonus” grandparents. My former SIL doesn’t see it this way (for obvious reasons) but it really is more love for their son at this point. My former SIL is really kind to my brother’s other children, but doesn’t deal well with my brother or SIL after 10 years. My brother and his wife also behave poorly sometimes even though I know all three adults love my nephew. As hard as it is, I wish they’d all let the anger and pettiness go after 10 years because there are times that they make choices to spite each other than affect my nephew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Why would he agree to restrictions like putting assets in a trust, requiring life insurance after a certain age, or giving 401k to the kids? It's a nice ask, but I don't imagine a divorcing party will agree to restrictions that aren't otherwise required.


He wouldn’t unless she is willing to give something up in exchange. If she is stupid, she will.

"How I "leveraged" this was that I told him in a sober and calm manner that our child deserved to not be harmed by his dad's lame ass decision to break up our family. Our child shouldn't be the one to pay for his dad's choices. The least ExH could do was "do right" by his kid and promise him that he wouldn't be made any worse off than he would have been had his dad stayed. He knew that I would tell his family if he was trying to get out of committing to providing his only child with the same standard of living that he experienced as a child, and that they would pillory him.

I really don't care that his financial commitments make him less attractive to a future gold digger. And if he's stupid enough to have another kid at his age without the money on hand to give that kid what he gives to my DC, so be it.

I think it helped that I did not ask for a dime in alimony and I got fewer of our community property assets than I could have, in exchange for the guarantee that our child would be able to attend/afford the best college he could get into. It was very clear to everyone (mediator, judge, our friends and family that I complained loudly to when he balked about having to spend so much on college) that I was fighting for my child's future and not to pad my own pockets.

That's rare. Most families side with their own when the chips are down.

Are you the poster who made her ex sign a separation agreement before you agreed to leave the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother had an affair when his son was 3-4 years old and married ap when son was about 5 (ap was pregnant). They now have two children / have been married about a decade. I don’t ageee with how they went about things, but she adores my nephew and he’s crazy about his younger siblings and his “bonus” grandparents. My former SIL doesn’t see it this way (for obvious reasons) but it really is more love for their son at this point. My former SIL is really kind to my brother’s other children, but doesn’t deal well with my brother or SIL after 10 years. My brother and his wife also behave poorly sometimes even though I know all three adults love my nephew. As hard as it is, I wish they’d all let the anger and pettiness go after 10 years because there are times that they make choices to spite each other than affect my nephew.

Just curious is there a meaningful age gap here at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the expectation of inhertance. That's a parents choice based on many factors. If Dad remarries and is married 30-40+ years after this marriage, its not reasonable to expect her to get nothing and live in poverty. She should inherit it all and they need to agree on how to leave the proceeds. My sibling got both my parents to change their wills and leave them everything - or at least that's what they said (I cut them off at that point). It is what it is.

If you marry someone with the kids, you better have a job and be able to support yourself in retirement.

[Anonymous]

I don't think grandparents see "their own" as their child but not their grandchild. Ive never seen a grandparent who would approve of their son refusing to protect the financial interests of their existing grandchildren over his AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a way for those of us in this phase to connect? I’d love to have someone in the same situation as me to talk to and strategize with. I’m finding this thread to be really helpful - particularly the specifics about trusts and insurance. I’m not OP, just also about to start divorce proceeding from my philandering husband and worried about how to protect the kids, inheritance, college, etc.

I need something like a seminar or support group hosted by the people posting the specifics of what they negotiated.

Yes!! I would love this. I’m not sure if people who have BTDT are best or if we could crowd source some professionals for a workshop maybe.

Also personally I would appreciate the emotional support. I know there are Internet forums etc but having a smaller community of repeat players would be more helpful.

Chumplady reddit

[Anonymous]

The biggest challenge to this is that so few people realize that a man's first set of children can so easily be disinherited unless he agrees to proactively protect them. Really, the courts should require protective default language in divorces with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:STBXH has been having an affair with a younger woman which is at least the most obvious cause of our divorce.

The affair has consisted as far as I can tell of all the best parts of the fun (and well funded) early infatuation / limerence phase.

By the time divorce is final and split custody really kicks in, it will be the first time she’s around our children.

It will also be the first time ExH has the children solo for such extended periods of time.

I’m worried for my kids of course but also just puzzled how this works for them. Maybe it’s just morbid curiosity but it seems like those changes will be more difficult to them than me (going from almost no help since I’m primary parent to more time off for myself).

We are still ironing out the details on custody etc so I’d anyone has BTDT and has any advice on things I may not be considering on the settlement agreement I’m all ears.

(I don’t know if she will officially become stepmom hence the quotation marks in subject line but I’m sure there will be some level of her playing at that role)

Advice?

1) Don’t badmouth her. Or him.
2) Resist the urge to monitor or control their interactions with him or her when they are in his custody.
3) Don’t get depressed if they like her. She’s probably younger, prettier and more fun.
4) Don’t make the mistake of assuming your husband won’t be able to handle the kids on their own. He will be fine — they all are. Sometimes that comes as a disappointment to moms who think they will fall flat on their faces.

[Anonymous]

What a mess! Your poor kids will now be ‘pillar to post’. We see this with other split families. And, it’s awkward for you to show up to their extra curricular events to see her with him! Sorry, Op. Your ex is a selfish moron. The kids will get tossed from place to place. It’s hard and they never feel settled. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

So disgusted with men after reading this thread.