Reply to Self preservation Strategies when husband sucks but your staying together for thr kids

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[quote=Anonymous]So much in this thread resonates.

I have a husband who has unpredictable anger issues - like other PPs I suspect some past trauma and/or undiagnosed mental health issues. His anger is usually around feeling slighted or disrespected in some manner.

My coping strategies: I am very involved in my work, my sport, my artistic hobby, and I maintain strong friendships and family ties, where I schedule 1:1 time with my friends (so usually one friend or family event w/out DH every week). Also, work trips and vacations w/out DH, typically with a family member or close friend.

With my DH, his triggers seem to be my family, and also stressful situations when we are out and about (like when we are trying to do something in a rush). I do my best to try to avoid those triggers. For example, other than holidays, he doesn't get the privilege of spending time with my extended family, because he tends to devolve into a sulky grump, or worse, around them maybe 4 times out of 10. I don't like those odds and it is just too stressful for me, wondering how he's going to be.

I try to enjoy my DH for what he is. Overall, he's a good man, and more often than not, he's nice, easy to be around, helpful, funny, etc. In some ways, I have a lot of respect for him. And I don't think he's choosing to be like this; although he certainly is choosing not to address the issue, so that's on him.

Another tip: I never forget that I'm dealing with someone whose mood can turn on a dime. That way, I'm not surprised or disappointed when it happens. I try to take the view of, "ok, there it is...of course." I just try to observe in a detached manner and not react. There's just no point engaging with someone who is irrational, in my view. It's like arguing with a toddler.

Don't get me wrong, I hate it. When his mood turns and he's angry, it makes me feel sad, horrible, scared, and disoriented. And his behavior has affected my affection for him, for sure. I am always evaluating this situation from a quality of life issue - is it bad enough to merit me making a change? So far, not yet. [/quote]

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