Christmas—Is this selfish of me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

They can want what they want. They would be entitled to feel disappointed. None of this takes precedence over OP for a SINGLE [u]Christmas. Those imposing this on her are the ones that are actually the worst.

[Anonymous]

If you parents model ( unintentionally) being helpful, will your in-laws get it?

Let them all come. Then having a cosy family breakfast and pajama day the next day. Easy foods and play with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

They can want what they want. They would be entitled to feel disappointed. None of this takes precedence over OP for a SINGLE [u]Christmas. Those imposing this on her are the ones that are actually the worst.

Don't come here to complain when the In-Laws only want to see their son without the Princess DIL in tow because she is SOOOOO difficult to tolerate for a few hours. The DIL can have all the hurt feeling she wants and would be entitled to feel disappointed. None of this takes allows OP to dictate her husbands relationships or who he spends time with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

She doesn’t want to “sulk around” she wants to spend the holiday with her family— just like you think she should right?

If the in-laws want to be welcome by just the daughter-in-law they need to have a relationship with her where she wants them around. You don’t get to just show up on Christmas for fun with the cute children, you have to put in the work the other 365 days. It sounds like they don’t. Maybe they’ll do better next year.

OP is absolutely planning to spend the day sulking - "I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave."

You are projecting your on feelings about IL onto OPs post. You have ZERO idea how they are on a daily basis to her much less the other 364 days a year.

[Anonymous]

Don't come here to complain when the In-Laws only want to see their son without the Princess DIL in tow because she is SOOOOO difficult to tolerate for a few hours. The DIL can have all the hurt feeling she wants and would be entitled to feel disappointed. None of this takes allows OP to dictate her husbands relationships or who he spends time with.

Again. More embarrassingly erroneous responses.

OPs husband is in agreement - about his own parents, about OPs rationale for excluding them, his own parents. This keeps getting conveniently ignored by the in-law-grandparent-apologists who continue to torture OPs statement of facts.

Any why ignore this? Because they know they are Wrong, that is why. It's the only possible explanation, aside from them admitting they cannot read properly (also a possibility).

What next? Next they'll attack the husband. He's bad. He's bad for supporting OP, because these people know Your family dynamics better than You. And they will twist your words and omit facts to make it so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

She doesn’t want to “sulk around” she wants to spend the holiday with her family— just like you think she should right?

If the in-laws want to be welcome by just the daughter-in-law they need to have a relationship with her where she wants them around. You don’t get to just show up on Christmas for fun with the cute children, you have to put in the work the other 365 days. It sounds like they don’t. Maybe they’ll do better next year.

OP is absolutely planning to spend the day sulking - "I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave."

You are projecting your on feelings about IL onto OPs post. You have ZERO idea how they are on a daily basis to her much less the other 364 days a year.

OP repeated said she plans on “celebrating”, with her parents, with children, with the inlaws on another occasion, with and without her husband.

I’m just picturing what the day will look like if they make the over-an-hour drive to our house and then five minutes later, DH gets called in. I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave.

Or, with that said, I’m also considering inviting my own parents over later in the afternoon, after presents are opened, to celebrate our own Christmas. If DH is there, great. If not, that’s ok! This also leaves a completely open schedule to otherwise plan when to celebrate with ILs on one of DH actual days off. Plus my parents are just helpful.

DH said it sounds fine, and he won’t even tell his parents he’s on call and they can just assume he is working and I’m visiting with my family, and he will in advance plan when we will celebrate with his family to circumvent any expectations for the 25th. His mind is primarily focused on working that day, as he assumes he will be doing, so he isn’t giving this the emotional fortitude I am!

"OP is absolutely planning to spend the day sulking"

Sounds to me like she plans on "celebrating", repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

They can want what they want. They would be entitled to feel disappointed. None of this takes precedence over OP for a SINGLE [u]Christmas. Those imposing this on her are the ones that are actually the worst.

Don't come here to complain when the In-Laws only want to see their son without the Princess DIL in tow because she is SOOOOO difficult to tolerate for a few hours. The DIL can have all the hurt feeling she wants and would be entitled to feel disappointed. None of this takes allows OP to dictate her husbands relationships or who he spends time with.

Seems very unlikely. I’ve never seen a DIL complain about a DH who manages his own relationship with his parents. Cool story though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Don't come here to complain when the In-Laws only want to see their son without the Princess DIL in tow because she is SOOOOO difficult to tolerate for a few hours. The DIL can have all the hurt feeling she wants and would be entitled to feel disappointed. None of this takes allows OP to dictate her husbands relationships or who he spends time with.

Again. More embarrassingly erroneous responses.

OPs husband is in agreement - about his own parents, about OPs rationale for excluding them, his own parents. This keeps getting conveniently ignored by the in-law-grandparent-apologists who continue to torture OPs statement of facts.

Any why ignore this? Because they know they are Wrong, that is why. It's the only possible explanation, aside from them admitting they cannot read properly (also a possibility).

What next? Next they'll attack the husband. He's bad. He's bad for supporting OP, because these people know Your family dynamics better than You. And they will twist your words and omit facts to make it so.

Blah blah blah, keep talking out your ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

They can want what they want. They would be entitled to feel disappointed. None of this takes precedence over OP for a SINGLE [u]Christmas. Those imposing this on her are the ones that are actually the worst.

Don't come here to complain when the In-Laws only want to see their son without the Princess DIL in tow because she is SOOOOO difficult to tolerate for a few hours. The DIL can have all the hurt feeling she wants and would be entitled to feel disappointed. None of this takes allows OP to dictate her husbands relationships or who he spends time with.

Seems very unlikely. I’ve never seen a DIL complain about a DH who manages his own relationship with his parents. Cool story though.

Do the research on here before you keep opening your idiot mouth. Cool story though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

Wow. Way to twist things. OP is 'sulking' because her DH may have to work on Christmas. She doesn't want to have to deal with his unhelpful, demanding parents when he's not there.

If ILs feel 'excommunicated' (how dramatic), don't blame the DIL. It's all on their DS. He's responsible for managing the relationship with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, surely you understand that DCUM is the right forum for affirmation when you want to do something hurtful or mean or that screws over the in laws, right? You’re guaranteed to get plenty of support - plus an extra dose of snarky ageism as well.

You came to the right place for plotting your scheme!

This is so rude and uncalled for. I don’t think they should lie to the in-laws but having them come and act like guests on an already hectic day with no help? Just no.

Being a parent of small kids having to cook and clean and help them
And then do it with the in-laws? No. She isn’t saying not see them
Just see them on a different day. Plenty of families do this.

I stopped seeing my family at Christmas after flying in with my newborn baby (that everyone demanded I come) there were no rental cars available when I booked months ahead and asked for someone to come pick us up. No one would. It was a nightmare so I put up my BOUNDARIES and said I would never put myself in that situation again. You can’t cater to everyone and have to do what’s best for your mental health and what’s best for your family. I still see and love my family and don’t expect anything from them, but I do it in my terms now. As should the OP!

[Anonymous]

Plenty of people don’t celebrate Christmas in Christmas! My in laws celebrate Christmas random days sometimes it is 12/25, other times 12/24 or 12/28, 12/22, you get my drift. It’s about being together and enjoying it not the actual day. (You know Jesus wasn’t actually born on that day, right?) if the OP won’t enjoy it how is that right to do? Do it when you can be together and celebrate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

She doesn’t want to “sulk around” she wants to spend the holiday with her family— just like you think she should right?

If the in-laws want to be welcome by just the daughter-in-law they need to have a relationship with her where she wants them around. You don’t get to just show up on Christmas for fun with the cute children, you have to put in the work the other 365 days. It sounds like they don’t. Maybe they’ll do better next year.

OP is absolutely planning to spend the day sulking - "I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave."

You are projecting your on feelings about IL onto OPs post. You have ZERO idea how they are on a daily basis to her much less the other [b]364 days a year[/b].

Sure I do. OP doesn’t want them around without her husband. That means the way they are is: not having an independent relationship with their DIL such that she wants to host them independently.

It’s not a crime, but you only get out what you put in. If you want the kind of relationship when your child in law wants to host you without your own child, you have to put in the work in the years before the situation occurs. In laws who do that don’t have this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

She doesn’t want to “sulk around” she wants to spend the holiday with her family— just like you think she should right?

If the in-laws want to be welcome by just the daughter-in-law they need to have a relationship with her where she wants them around. You don’t get to just show up on Christmas for fun with the cute children, you have to put in the work the other 365 days. It sounds like they don’t. Maybe they’ll do better next year.

OP is absolutely planning to spend the day sulking - "I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave."

You are projecting your on feelings about IL onto OPs post. You have ZERO idea how they are on a daily basis to her much less the other [b]364 days a year[/b].

Sure I do. OP doesn’t want them around without her husband. That means the way they are is: not having an independent relationship with their DIL such that she wants to host them independently.

It’s not a crime, but you only get out what you put in. If you want the kind of relationship when your child in law wants to host you without your own child, you have to put in the work in the years before the situation occurs. In laws who do that don’t have this problem.

No. Just no.

My MiL had emergency surgery and my FIL still wanted to go in his golf trip, my SIL who lives three minutes away and got free childcare from them for years refused to help so I flew back to the states (my spouse and I lived overseas at the time and he had an emergency at work & it was an actual emergency so couldn’t fly).

I took care of her for a week. By myself. Hand bathing her, cleaning, cooking, medicine, etc. you name it I did it even when the pain meds wore off and I was cursed at, still did it. I had surgeries as a child so I knew the importance of having someone who loved you there.

Anyway my husband flew out for basically 24 hours and helped too.

This is not the only thing I have done for my in laws and I’m not keeping score, but to show you I put in a lot! It’s family that’s what you do, but I still don’t have a great relationship with my in-laws bc they aren’t who they wanted my husband to marry.

It hasn’t stopped her from commenting on my looks, my parenting, and trying to set up my husband with her friends eligible daughters. Yeah. I still love her, but I have better boundaries now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

She doesn’t want to “sulk around” she wants to spend the holiday with her family— just like you think she should right?

If the in-laws want to be welcome by just the daughter-in-law they need to have a relationship with her where she wants them around. You don’t get to just show up on Christmas for fun with the cute children, you have to put in the work the other 365 days. It sounds like they don’t. Maybe they’ll do better next year.

OP is absolutely planning to spend the day sulking - "I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave."

You are projecting your on feelings about IL onto OPs post. You have ZERO idea how they are on a daily basis to her much less the other [b]364 days a year[/b].

Sure I do. OP doesn’t want them around without her husband. That means the way they are is: not having an independent relationship with their DIL such that she wants to host them independently.

It’s not a crime, but you only get out what you put in. If you want the kind of relationship when your child in law wants to host you without your own child, you have to put in the work in the years before the situation occurs. In laws who do that don’t have this problem.

No. Just no.

My MiL had emergency surgery and my FIL still wanted to go in his golf trip, my SIL who lives three minutes away and got free childcare from them for years refused to help so I flew back to the states (my spouse and I lived overseas at the time and he had an emergency at work & it was an actual emergency so couldn’t fly).

I took care of her for a week. By myself. Hand bathing her, cleaning, cooking, medicine, etc. you name it I did it even when the pain meds wore off and I was cursed at, still did it. I had surgeries as a child so I knew the importance of having someone who loved you there.

Anyway my husband flew out for basically 24 hours and helped too.

This is not the only thing I have done for my in laws and I’m not keeping score, but to show you I put in a lot! It’s family that’s what you do, but I still don’t have a great relationship with my in-laws bc they aren’t who they wanted my husband to marry.

It hasn’t stopped her from commenting on my looks, my parenting, and trying to set up my husband with her friends eligible daughters. Yeah. I still love her, but I have better boundaries now.

DP. There is so much wrong with this. I can't imagine what conditioning you had that makes you think this is something you not only should do but be proud of. People treat you the way you allow them to. Your DH problem is bigger than your IL problem. Best wishes.