Christmas—Is this selfish of me?

[Anonymous]

This is fairyland thinking. OP can do what she wants, but if one set of grandparents feel like they are getting the shaft, there will likely be bad feelings. OP’s feelings count, but there are other family members who have feelings, too.

Disagree.

The set of grandparents "getting the shaft" are getting a self-inflicted shaft; as OP said, they can be "overwhelming" and expect to be treated as guests at all times.

If you want to be treated like welcomed family, behave like welcoming family. If you behave like overwhelming guests, you will be treated like overwhelming guests. We teach this to our children. We as parents set an important example by enforcing this. It’s never too late to learn, even for older generations.

[Anonymous]

Is it really all that disappointing if he’s gone part of the time? It may not even happen. The idea that you’d have to manage your own disappointment and your in-laws’ disappointment makes it sound like you’re all small children.

I wouldn’t lie to your in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it really all that disappointing if he’s gone part of the time? It may not even happen. The idea that you’d have to manage your own disappointment and your in-laws’ disappointment makes it sound like you’re all small children.

I wouldn’t lie to your in-laws.

Following up: do whatever you like, just be direct and clear with your in laws. Don’t lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is with having your parents over. .

Just. Do Christmas with you and the kids it's likely to happen again and you can start a little tradition.

Grandparents both sets can be seen at another time

Nope. If OP is going to be solo, she can certainly invite anyone she wants. Including her entire side of the family, if desired. When her DH is home celebrating holidays, he gets a say about who they invite as well. But her DH is backing her up, so there really is no issue here.

It is NOT tit for tat. It's about OP's comfort and desires for a major holiday. The only person's whose feelings she should consider equal to her own is her DH's. And she's done that.

This is fairyland thinking. OP can do what she wants, but if one set of grandparents feel like they are getting the shaft, there will likely be bad feelings. OP’s feelings count, but there are other family members who have feelings, too.

Sure, other feelings are valid. But it doesn't mean they take precedence over OP's desire on how she wants to spend her Xmas as a solo parent. They can have their feelings and deal with them and then move on. We aren't talking about some huge pattern setting start of holiday sharing. It's ONE Christmas.

I think it's Fairyland thinking to just assume you can be an unhelpful guest to a family member and then demand invites to any holiday you want because "you're family". Dream on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is fairyland thinking. OP can do what she wants, but if one set of grandparents feel like they are getting the shaft, there will likely be bad feelings. OP’s feelings count, but there are other family members who have feelings, too.

Disagree.

The set of grandparents "getting the shaft" are getting a self-inflicted shaft; as OP said, they can be "overwhelming" and expect to be treated as guests at all times.

If you want to be treated like welcomed family, behave like welcoming family. If you behave like overwhelming guests, you will be treated like overwhelming guests. We teach this to our children. We as parents set an important example by enforcing this. It’s never too late to learn, even for older generations.

Point taken. But we also don’t know where the bar is set for OP’s expectations. I have a SIL who constantly acts as if our mutual MIL is “too much” and “overwhelming.” But my SIL is very rigid and can’t handle when people do things even a little differently than her. Maybe the ILs are perfectly fine and OP is tightly wound. Or maybe they’re pains. Anytime I read one of these posts, I take them with a grain of salt. People are fabulously bad self-reporters…

[Anonymous]

We celebrate Christmas on various days with various sides of the family every year. This is about celebrating the season not THE day. It's not selfish at all to plan to celebrate Xmas with the inlaws on your husband's day off. In fact, I would never plan to have my inlaws over when my husband is working.

I don't understand why your inlaws would want to celebrate Christmas without their son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it really all that disappointing if he’s gone part of the time? It may not even happen. The idea that you’d have to manage your own disappointment and your in-laws’ disappointment makes it sound like you’re all small children.

I wouldn’t lie to your in-laws.

Is it really all that disappointing to celebrate Christmas with the family on a day that he can actually attend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is fairyland thinking. OP can do what she wants, but if one set of grandparents feel like they are getting the shaft, there will likely be bad feelings. OP’s feelings count, but there are other family members who have feelings, too.

Disagree.

The set of grandparents "getting the shaft" are getting a self-inflicted shaft; as OP said, they can be "overwhelming" and expect to be treated as guests at all times.

If you want to be treated like welcomed family, behave like welcoming family. If you behave like overwhelming guests, you will be treated like overwhelming guests. We teach this to our children. We as parents set an important example by enforcing this. It’s never too late to learn, even for older generations.

Point taken. But we also don’t know where the bar is set for OP’s expectations. I have a SIL who constantly acts as if our mutual MIL is “too much” and “overwhelming.” But my SIL is very rigid and can’t handle when people do things even a little differently than her. Maybe the ILs are perfectly fine and OP is tightly wound. Or maybe they’re pains. Anytime I read one of these posts, I take them with a grain of salt. People are fabulously bad self-reporters…

Except it doesn’t matter. OP doesn’t want them there without her DH. That’s all that matters. Maybe they are actually perfect guests to you. But my point is that they can’t be that perfect if they’ve made OP this uncomfortable in the past. So your SIL being uptight is also allowed to box her in-laws on things bc they don’t mesh well. She’s looking out for herself. It’s ok! We’re all humans and some of us don’t get along. It’s much ruder to impose yourself on someone for a holiday than to LISTEN when they say they’d rather do it another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is with having your parents over. .

Just. Do Christmas with you and the kids it's likely to happen again and you can start a little tradition.

Grandparents both sets can be seen at another time

Nope. If OP is going to be solo, she can certainly invite anyone she wants. Including her entire side of the family, if desired. When her DH is home celebrating holidays, he gets a say about who they invite as well. But her DH is backing her up, so there really is no issue here.

It is NOT tit for tat. It's about OP's comfort and desires for a major holiday. The only person's whose feelings she should consider equal to her own is her DH's. And she's done that.

This is fairyland thinking. OP can do what she wants, but if one set of grandparents feel like they are getting the shaft, there will likely be bad feelings. OP’s feelings count, but there are other family members who have feelings, too.

OP is not responsible for their feelings. If the ILs have bad feelings, they need to manage them. Any perceived problem they have with visiting can be addressed with their son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is fairyland thinking. OP can do what she wants, but if one set of grandparents feel like they are getting the shaft, there will likely be bad feelings. OP’s feelings count, but there are other family members who have feelings, too.

Disagree.

The set of grandparents "getting the shaft" are getting a self-inflicted shaft; as OP said, they can be "overwhelming" and expect to be treated as guests at all times.

If you want to be treated like welcomed family, behave like welcoming family. If you behave like overwhelming guests, you will be treated like overwhelming guests. We teach this to our children. We as parents set an important example by enforcing this. It’s never too late to learn, even for older generations.

Point taken. But we also don’t know where the bar is set for OP’s expectations. I have a SIL who constantly acts as if our mutual MIL is “too much” and “overwhelming.” But my SIL is very rigid and can’t handle when people do things even a little differently than her. Maybe the ILs are perfectly fine and OP is tightly wound. Or maybe they’re pains. Anytime I read one of these posts, I take them with a grain of salt. People are fabulously bad self-reporters…

How did you get to the age you are and not know that just because something is okay for you doesn't mean it's okay for someone else? How do you not know that not everyone is like you and that it's just fine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is with having your parents over. .

Just. Do Christmas with you and the kids it's likely to happen again and you can start a little tradition.

Grandparents both sets can be seen at another time

Nope. If OP is going to be solo, she can certainly invite anyone she wants. Including her entire side of the family, if desired. When her DH is home celebrating holidays, he gets a say about who they invite as well. But her DH is backing her up, so there really is no issue here.

It is NOT tit for tat. It's about OP's comfort and desires for a major holiday. The only person's whose feelings she should consider equal to her own is her DH's. And she's done that.

This is fairyland thinking. OP can do what she wants, but if one set of grandparents feel like they are getting the shaft, there will likely be bad feelings. OP’s feelings count, but there are other family members who have feelings, too.

Women aren’t put on this earth to prevent people from having “bad feelings”.

What if OPs parents feel like they’re getting “the shaft” that their son in law is working Christmas? Does he quit his job —no. And no one would ever expect him to.

Similarly no one would expect a man to host his in-laws without his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is with having your parents over. .

Just. Do Christmas with you and the kids it's likely to happen again and you can start a little tradition.

Grandparents both sets can be seen at another time

Nope. If OP is going to be solo, she can certainly invite anyone she wants. Including her entire side of the family, if desired. When her DH is home celebrating holidays, he gets a say about who they invite as well. But her DH is backing her up, so there really is no issue here.

It is NOT tit for tat. It's about OP's comfort and desires for a major holiday. The only person's whose feelings she should consider equal to her own is her DH's. And she's done that.

This is fairyland thinking. OP can do what she wants, but if one set of grandparents feel like they are getting the shaft, there will likely be bad feelings. OP’s feelings count, but there are other family members who have feelings, too.

Women aren’t put on this earth to prevent people from having “bad feelings”.

What if OPs parents feel like they’re getting “the shaft” that their son in law is working Christmas? Does he quit his job —no. And no one would ever expect him to.

Similarly no one would expect a man to host his in-laws without his wife.

Yea I would expect my husband to host my parents for a few hours while I worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

She doesn’t want to “sulk around” she wants to spend the holiday with her family— just like you think she should right?

If the in-laws want to be welcome by just the daughter-in-law they need to have a relationship with her where she wants them around. You don’t get to just show up on Christmas for fun with the cute children, you have to put in the work the other 365 days. It sounds like they don’t. Maybe they’ll do better next year.

[Anonymous]

Some of you are so self-righteous, but seem to know how to build lasting healthy relationships. Someday your children may marry, and if your lack of grace and inclusiveness is any indicator, you will get to celebrate many holidays alone. After all that is what you’ve modeled for your children.