Christmas—Is this selfish of me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

She doesn’t want to “sulk around” she wants to spend the holiday with her family— just like you think she should right?

If the in-laws want to be welcome by just the daughter-in-law they need to have a relationship with her where she wants them around. You don’t get to just show up on Christmas for fun with the cute children, you have to put in the work the other 365 days. It sounds like they don’t. Maybe they’ll do better next year.

OP is absolutely planning to spend the day sulking - "I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave."

You are projecting your on feelings about IL onto OPs post. You have ZERO idea how they are on a daily basis to her much less the other [b]364 days a year[/b].

Sure I do. OP doesn’t want them around without her husband. That means the way they are is: not having an independent relationship with their DIL such that she wants to host them independently.

It’s not a crime, but you only get out what you put in. If you want the kind of relationship when your child in law wants to host you without your own child, you have to put in the work in the years before the situation occurs. In laws who do that don’t have this problem.

Sure…but adult relationships require two willing parties. We have one SIL who has roundly rejected gestures made by her husband’s family (her DH is my brother). She grew up in a very wealthy family and finds our normal, middle class family not sophisticated enough for her upbringing. You can’t create a relationship with someone who doesn’t want it.

[Anonymous]

If your husband is in medicine I recommend you adjust your expectations around holidays and special events. This will be the first of many important days on call and it’s important to figure out how to go with the flow and adapt and still have fun with the children. Celebrate holidays on different days, learn to celebrate and have fun without the partner, try not to be sad about it as comes with the territory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your husband is in medicine I recommend you adjust your expectations around holidays and special events. This will be the first of many important days on call and it’s important to figure out how to go with the flow and adapt and still have fun with the children. Celebrate holidays on different days, learn to celebrate and have fun without the partner, try not to be sad about it as comes with the territory.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your husband is in medicine I recommend you adjust your expectations around holidays and special events. This will be the first of many important days on call and it’s important to figure out how to go with the flow and adapt and still have fun with the children. Celebrate holidays on different days, learn to celebrate and have fun without the partner, try not to be sad about it as comes with the territory.

Are you posting on the wrong thread? OP doesn't seem to have a problem with her DH. She has an IL problem which her DH supports her on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

She doesn’t want to “sulk around” she wants to spend the holiday with her family— just like you think she should right?

If the in-laws want to be welcome by just the daughter-in-law they need to have a relationship with her where she wants them around. You don’t get to just show up on Christmas for fun with the cute children, you have to put in the work the other 365 days. It sounds like they don’t. Maybe they’ll do better next year.

OP is absolutely planning to spend the day sulking - "I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave."

You are projecting your on feelings about IL onto OPs post. You have ZERO idea how they are on a daily basis to her much less the other [b]364 days a year[/b].

Sure I do. OP doesn’t want them around without her husband. That means the way they are is: not having an independent relationship with their DIL such that she wants to host them independently.

It’s not a crime, but you only get out what you put in. If you want the kind of relationship when your child in law wants to host you without your own child, you have to put in the work in the years before the situation occurs. In laws who do that don’t have this problem.

Sure…but adult relationships require two willing parties. We have one SIL who has roundly rejected gestures made by her husband’s family (her DH is my brother). She grew up in a very wealthy family and finds our normal, middle class family not sophisticated enough for her upbringing. You can’t create a relationship with someone who doesn’t want it.

Yes it takes two willing parties, and if your SIL just doesn’t want to try that’s not your parents fault.

But there’s a ton of work— before kids and before marriage sometimes— that can be done to build the individual relationship and it’s really smart to do that work, because then the relationship will transcend the child and the in laws will have more access.

Some things like getting a pregnant mom prenatal massages and not just baby gear; or paying for a night nurse or a housekeeper postpartum not just asking about the baby go a long way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your husband is in medicine I recommend you adjust your expectations around holidays and special events. This will be the first of many important days on call and it’s important to figure out how to go with the flow and adapt and still have fun with the children. Celebrate holidays on different days, learn to celebrate and have fun without the partner, try not to be sad about it as comes with the territory.

The grumpy posters on this thread are suggesting the bolded is unacceptable as it applies to her in laws….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

She doesn’t want to “sulk around” she wants to spend the holiday with her family— just like you think she should right?

If the in-laws want to be welcome by just the daughter-in-law they need to have a relationship with her where she wants them around. You don’t get to just show up on Christmas for fun with the cute children, you have to put in the work the other 365 days. It sounds like they don’t. Maybe they’ll do better next year.

OP is absolutely planning to spend the day sulking - "I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave."

You are projecting your on feelings about IL onto OPs post. You have ZERO idea how they are on a daily basis to her much less the other [b]364 days a year[/b].

Sure I do. OP doesn’t want them around without her husband. That means the way they are is: not having an independent relationship with their DIL such that she wants to host them independently.

It’s not a crime, but you only get out what you put in. If you want the kind of relationship when your child in law wants to host you without your own child, you have to put in the work in the years before the situation occurs. In laws who do that don’t have this problem.

Sure…but adult relationships require two willing parties. We have one SIL who has roundly rejected gestures made by her husband’s family (her DH is my brother). She grew up in a very wealthy family and finds our normal, middle class family not sophisticated enough for her upbringing. You can’t create a relationship with someone who doesn’t want it.

Yes it takes two willing parties, and if your SIL just doesn’t want to try that’s not your parents fault.

But there’s a ton of work— before kids and before marriage sometimes— that can be done to build the individual relationship and it’s really smart to do that work, because then the relationship will transcend the child and the in laws will have more access.

Some things like getting a pregnant mom prenatal massages and not just baby gear; or paying for a night nurse or a housekeeper postpartum not just asking about the baby go a long way.

I can see my SIL and brother telling us that we are "crossing a boundary" by assuming she wants a night nurse or a massage. With some people you can't win even when you try so you give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

Don’t be so obtuse. Christmas is a major family holiday. Having children involved makes it even more fun. God forbid grandparents want to spend the holiday with their son’s family. I mean the sheer audacity of them because DIL wants to sulk around the house all day because husband has to work. You women here are the literally the worst. You are all about excommunicating the in-laws when you put a ring on it and making sure they know they are no longer welcome.

She doesn’t want to “sulk around” she wants to spend the holiday with her family— just like you think she should right?

If the in-laws want to be welcome by just the daughter-in-law they need to have a relationship with her where she wants them around. You don’t get to just show up on Christmas for fun with the cute children, you have to put in the work the other 365 days. It sounds like they don’t. Maybe they’ll do better next year.

OP is absolutely planning to spend the day sulking - "I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave."

You are projecting your on feelings about IL onto OPs post. You have ZERO idea how they are on a daily basis to her much less the other [b]364 days a year[/b].

Sure I do. OP doesn’t want them around without her husband. That means the way they are is: not having an independent relationship with their DIL such that she wants to host them independently.

It’s not a crime, but you only get out what you put in. If you want the kind of relationship when your child in law wants to host you without your own child, you have to put in the work in the years before the situation occurs. In laws who do that don’t have this problem.

Sure…but adult relationships require two willing parties. We have one SIL who has roundly rejected gestures made by her husband’s family (her DH is my brother). She grew up in a very wealthy family and finds our normal, middle class family not sophisticated enough for her upbringing. You can’t create a relationship with someone who doesn’t want it.

Yes it takes two willing parties, and if your SIL just doesn’t want to try that’s not your parents fault.

But there’s a ton of work— before kids and before marriage sometimes— that can be done to build the individual relationship and it’s really smart to do that work, because then the relationship will transcend the child and the in laws will have more access.

Some things like getting a pregnant mom prenatal massages and not just baby gear; or paying for a night nurse or a housekeeper postpartum not just asking about the baby go a long way.

I can see my SIL and brother telling us that we are "crossing a boundary" by assuming she wants a night nurse or a massage. With some people you can't win even when you try so you give up.

Yes as I said, your SIL sounds like she’s not interested.

But the bulk of in law problems stem from the parents in law and child in law not having a relationship independent of the spouse/child, and then the ILs wanting to be treated— by the child in law— as though they do. It’s basically every Christmas/Holiday thread.