Christmas—Is this selfish of me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you easily overwhelmed by ILS but not buy your parents?
Does being overwhelmed by such nothing makes you feel like you are incompetent at life?
How did you become a parent if you can't function if people visit you and your DH has to work?
Are you proud of being so incompetent? I would not brag about it.

Found the MIL who expects to be treated like a queen bee!

Guess what, family members *help* when they visit on holidays. Holidays are busy and stressful and require a lot of work, especially for busy working parents. We get that you are retired and sit around on your arse all day with nothing to do, but it is different for active people who are relied upon every day.

Of course it would be easier to host helpful people vs. bumps on a log who can’t bestir themselves to help clear the table. Grandparents who actively play with the kids and enjoy the time with them are preferred to those who say they want to see the grandkids, then take two pictures for Facebook and shoo the kids away so they can stick their faces into devices all day.

Be a better family member and maybe people will want you around more. Doubtful.

Bla, bla. I am not a MIL, not even close. Be a grown up.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the replies but yes I would schedule my in-laws when I know my husband could be there. This is not selfish, it’s normal. I would just tell them he “likely” has to work so how’s the 26th (or whatever day you want.)

[Anonymous]

I work in a profession where last-minute calls are unfortunately common. The universal consensus is the spouse at home gets top priority for how to spend the day. My husband took our daughter to his parents, I have friends who spend the whole day in their pjs with their kids watching Christmas movies, another friend got a last-second holiday booking and took the kids on a small trip, postponing “Christmas”’proper until they could all be together.

But it’s not up to anyone but you OP and it looks like your husband understands and respects that. Don’t listen to the crazy here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the replies but yes I would schedule my in-laws when I know my husband could be there. This is not selfish, it’s normal. I would just tell them he “likely” has to work so how’s the 26th (or whatever day you want.)

Exactly. It makes no sense to host them on a day that your husband could have to work on a moments notice. The in laws still get their day with their son and grandchild. And you get to enjoy Christmas. It’s just good planning.

[Anonymous]

Grandparents who actively play with the kids and enjoy the time with them are preferred to those [grandparents] who say they want to see the grandkids, then take two pictures for Facebook and shoo the kids away so they can stick their faces into devices all day.

Is this a thing?

Do Grandparents really do this?

[Anonymous]

Be selfish. Who cares. If your DH is fine with it and his parents are going to be fine with it, you're creating stress for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH, for the first time since we’ve had children, will have to be on-call for Christmas. Technically he will be home, perhaps all day, but he runs a 50/50 chance of having to leave at a moment’s notice. I’m debating what’s fair not only for myself and my feelings on Christmas, considering the chance he may have to leave. It is regarding my ILs.

ILs are great, I love them and we get along fine in favorable circumstances. But they are sometimes overwhelming and expect to be treated as guests at all times.

I’m just picturing what the day will look like if they make the over-an-hour drive to our house and then five minutes later, DH gets called in. I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave.

Or, with that said, I’m also considering inviting my own parents over later in the afternoon, after presents are opened, to celebrate our own Christmas. If DH is there, great. If not, that’s ok! This also leaves a completely open schedule to otherwise plan when to celebrate with ILs on one of DH actual days off. Plus my parents are just helpful.

DH said it sounds fine, and he won’t even tell his parents he’s on call and they can just assume he is working and I’m visiting with my family, and he will in advance plan when we will celebrate with his family to circumvent any expectations for the 25th. His mind is primarily focused on working that day, as he assumes he will be doing, so he isn’t giving this the emotional fortitude I am!

Does this sound reasonable, or does this seem selfish on my part?

Not one aspect of what is proposed is selfish. Do it if that is what works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you easily overwhelmed by ILS but not buy your parents?
Does being overwhelmed by such nothing makes you feel like you are incompetent at life?
How did you become a parent if you can't function if people visit you and your DH has to work?
Are you proud of being so incompetent? I would not brag about it.

WTF is wrong with you? Are you proud of being such an a$$hole? I would not brag about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Grandparents who actively play with the kids and enjoy the time with them are preferred to those [grandparents] who say they want to see the grandkids, then take two pictures for Facebook and shoo the kids away so they can stick their faces into devices all day.

Is this a thing?

Do Grandparents really do this?

Of course. There are parents that do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Grandparents who actively play with the kids and enjoy the time with them are preferred to those [grandparents] who say they want to see the grandkids, then take two pictures for Facebook and shoo the kids away so they can stick their faces into devices all day.

Is this a thing?

Do Grandparents really do this?

Yes. Be aware of how lucky you are if you even have to ask this question.

[Anonymous]

The bigger issue is how to 'train' your DH and ILs so that their visits are less stressful for you. Start setting your own expectations rather than accommodating theirs. If it doesn't work for them, they can choose not to visit.

[Anonymous]

Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

Oh, the in-laws may indeed want that, but it is likely not in the best interests of DIL, or overall family relations. Sounds nice, but usually goes sideways at some point. It is ultimately better- for all- to keep their own child as the main point of contact.

[Anonymous]

This is definitely NOT selfish, and totally a non-issue.

I agree with (most) pps that you're overthinking it. I hope your ILs arent like some of the crazy posters on here, but I think what your DH has proposed is 100% fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

If this was their desire, they should make it easier to be around them. And, the decision for what kind of relationship they have needs to account for OP's feeling on it. They don't get to decide unilaterally.