Christmas—Is this selfish of me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Christmas is on Monday this year. Have your husband tell them he's working/on call and can they have Christmas with you on the 23rd or 24th (you and your husband pick) so that you are guaranteed time together.

That seems totally reasonable.

What time would your DH likely be called into work? And does he also have to work on the 24th? If you think he will still be home through mid-morning, I would see if ILs wanted to come for dinner on Xmas Eve and be there in the AM when the kids open presents. Then they can leave by noon and your parents can come in the afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Grandparents who actively play with the kids and enjoy the time with them are preferred to those [grandparents] who say they want to see the grandkids, then take two pictures for Facebook and shoo the kids away so they can stick their faces into devices all day.

Is this a thing?

Do Grandparents really do this?

Yes. Be aware of how lucky you are if you even have to ask this question.

+1. This is my in-laws to a T. Even now as teens they just want to grill my kids on their activities/school stuff so they have something to report to their friends.

[Anonymous]

How old are you, PP? This seems really immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the replies but yes I would schedule my in-laws when I know my husband could be there. This is not selfish, it’s normal. I would just tell them he “likely” has to work so how’s the 26th (or whatever day you want.)

Exactly. It makes no sense to host them on a day that your husband could have to work on a moments notice. The in laws still get their day with their son and grandchild. And you get to enjoy Christmas. It’s just good planning.

+2 my IL’s wouldn’t even want to be there if my husband wasn’t there or would have to leave or whatever. I don’t understand all these people who are clamoring to spend time with just their DIL and the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH, for the first time since we’ve had children, will have to be on-call for Christmas. Technically he will be home, perhaps all day, but he runs a 50/50 chance of having to leave at a moment’s notice. I’m debating what’s fair not only for myself and my feelings on Christmas, considering the chance he may have to leave. It is regarding my ILs.

ILs are great, I love them and we get along fine in favorable circumstances. But they are sometimes overwhelming and expect to be treated as guests at all times.

I’m just picturing what the day will look like if they make the over-an-hour drive to our house and then five minutes later, DH gets called in. I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave.

Or, with that said, I’m also considering inviting my own parents over later in the afternoon, after presents are opened, to celebrate our own Christmas. If DH is there, great. If not, that’s ok! This also leaves a completely open schedule to otherwise plan when to celebrate with ILs on one of DH actual days off. Plus my parents are just helpful.

DH said it sounds fine, and he won’t even tell his parents he’s on call and they can just assume he is working and I’m visiting with my family, and he will in advance plan when we will celebrate with his family to circumvent any expectations for the 25th. His mind is primarily focused on working that day, as he assumes he will be doing, so he isn’t giving this the emotional fortitude I am!

Does this sound reasonable, or does this seem selfish on my part?

First, yes, just have your DH make a plan with his parents another day. Two Christmases. Yay!

Second, be cautious about what messages you are giving your kids. What is your DH's job? I grew up with doctor parents and one or the other of them had to go to work on many holidays when I was young. I don't recall "disappointment" just a matter of fact understanding that other people got sick or hurt on the holidays and usually one of my parents had to be there. Often we were up early enough that they could stay for gifts before heading out, but sometimes they left in the middle of the night on Christmas eve. Then we would either do gifts without them or wait for their return, when we would "surprise" them with everything we got.

We were kids getting presents and we were happy. The parent left at home was happy. Your kids will take their cue from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the replies but yes I would schedule my in-laws when I know my husband could be there. This is not selfish, it’s normal. I would just tell them he “likely” has to work so how’s the 26th (or whatever day you want.)

Exactly. It makes no sense to host them on a day that your husband could have to work on a moments notice. The in laws still get their day with their son and grandchild. And you get to enjoy Christmas. It’s just good planning.

+2 my IL’s wouldn’t even want to be there if my husband wasn’t there or would have to leave or whatever. I don’t understand all these people who are clamoring to spend time with just their DIL and the grandkids.

Maybe they are clamoring because their definition of family is more inclusive than yours. Pity you can’t understand or even imagine that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH, for the first time since we’ve had children, will have to be on-call for Christmas. Technically he will be home, perhaps all day, but he runs a 50/50 chance of having to leave at a moment’s notice. I’m debating what’s fair not only for myself and my feelings on Christmas, considering the chance he may have to leave. It is regarding my ILs.

ILs are great, I love them and we get along fine in favorable circumstances. But they are sometimes overwhelming and expect to be treated as guests at all times.

I’m just picturing what the day will look like if they make the over-an-hour drive to our house and then five minutes later, DH gets called in. I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave.

Or, with that said, I’m also considering inviting my own parents over later in the afternoon, after presents are opened, to celebrate our own Christmas. If DH is there, great. If not, that’s ok! This also leaves a completely open schedule to otherwise plan when to celebrate with ILs on one of DH actual days off. Plus my parents are just helpful.

DH said it sounds fine, and he won’t even tell his parents he’s on call and they can just assume he is working and I’m visiting with my family, and he will in advance plan when we will celebrate with his family to circumvent any expectations for the 25th. His mind is primarily focused on working that day, as he assumes he will be doing, so he isn’t giving this the emotional fortitude I am!

Does this sound reasonable, or does this seem selfish on my part?

It sounds normal actually.

However, have them over and engage them, as in have them help you out as possible Don’t deprive them of the kids of the kids of them.

NP. Getting together with the ILs on the 26th or 27th instead of the 25th is not “depriving” anyone of anything.

The dramatic, hysterical language is just gross and immature. I agree, no one is depriving anyone of anything. Oh but everyone will be sooo sadz with tears. Awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You are charming people who understand the true spirit of Christmas. Lucky grandkids.

The true spirit of Christmas includes not overwhelming your host. Grandparents are not exempt from respecting the host and their boundaries.

But this is where the DCUM Grandparent Apologists torture common sense in attempt to make the rational among us feel guilty for sensibly putting children first.

My kids would be so sad if they ever heard me talking about their grandparents like that. They don’t consider our family to be complete without them. Seriously. As we speak, they’re sharing how their first day of school went with my parents and in laws.

I feel really sorry for people like you. Even more sorry for your kids. So much anger and dysfunction must be exhausting.

Your baby talk is gross. Why would your kids be sad and what would make them sad? This is so childish. Your insistence that women be responsible for everyone and be door mats is dysfunctional and sexist. Go back to your compound and serve your man.

NP. What are you talking about? PP didn’t do any baby talk.

How was the pp talking to her ils? Nutjob with the sadz thinks any woman who talks like an adult is meeeean and makes every have the sadz. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop overthinking this and creating problems when there are no problems.
Are you an adult? You can't handle being with your ILS for Christmas without your DH?
Just shut up, I have no patience for snowflakes.

I have no patience for idiots like you. You think your way is the only way. I'm another person who never would have been comfortable celebrating a major holiday with my ils without my spouse. I'd assume most would prefer to celebrate when their son or daughter is available.

You hate women, don't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you easily overwhelmed by ILS but not buy your parents?
Does being overwhelmed by such nothing makes you feel like you are incompetent at life?
How did you become a parent if you can't function if people visit you and your DH has to work?
Are you proud of being so incompetent? I would not brag about it.

Your posts tell us *everything* about you, darling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you easily overwhelmed by ILS but not buy your parents?
Does being overwhelmed by such nothing makes you feel like you are incompetent at life?
How did you become a parent if you can't function if people visit you and your DH has to work?
Are you proud of being so incompetent? I would not brag about it.

Found the MIL who expects to be treated like a queen bee!

Guess what, family members *help* when they visit on holidays. Holidays are busy and stressful and require a lot of work, especially for busy working parents. We get that you are retired and sit around on your arse all day with nothing to do, but it is different for active people who are relied upon every day.

Of course it would be easier to host helpful people vs. bumps on a log who can’t bestir themselves to help clear the table. Grandparents who actively play with the kids and enjoy the time with them are preferred to those who say they want to see the grandkids, then take two pictures for Facebook and shoo the kids away so they can stick their faces into devices all day.

Be a better family member and maybe people will want you around more. Doubtful.

Bla, bla. I am not a MIL, not even close. Be a grown up.

I'd be willing to be you don't even have kids. Of my relatives, they are the ones who do the least around holidays and expect the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Grandparents who actively play with the kids and enjoy the time with them are preferred to those [grandparents] who say they want to see the grandkids, then take two pictures for Facebook and shoo the kids away so they can stick their faces into devices all day.

Is this a thing?

Do Grandparents really do this?

Yes, my ils. They would only visit just before they were going to visit friends so they could take pictures to make it look like they cared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH, for the first time since we’ve had children, will have to be on-call for Christmas. Technically he will be home, perhaps all day, but he runs a 50/50 chance of having to leave at a moment’s notice. I’m debating what’s fair not only for myself and my feelings on Christmas, considering the chance he may have to leave. It is regarding my ILs.

ILs are great, I love them and we get along fine in favorable circumstances. But they are sometimes overwhelming and expect to be treated as guests at all times.

I’m just picturing what the day will look like if they make the over-an-hour drive to our house and then five minutes later, DH gets called in. I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave.

Or, with that said, I’m also considering inviting my own parents over later in the afternoon, after presents are opened, to celebrate our own Christmas. If DH is there, great. If not, that’s ok! This also leaves a completely open schedule to otherwise plan when to celebrate with ILs on one of DH actual days off. Plus my parents are just helpful.

DH said it sounds fine, and he won’t even tell his parents he’s on call and they can just assume he is working and I’m visiting with my family, and he will in advance plan when we will celebrate with his family to circumvent any expectations for the 25th. His mind is primarily focused on working that day, as he assumes he will be doing, so he isn’t giving this the emotional fortitude I am!

Does this sound reasonable, or does this seem selfish on my part?

First, yes, just have your DH make a plan with his parents another day. Two Christmases. Yay!

Second, be cautious about what messages you are giving your kids. What is your DH's job? I grew up with doctor parents and one or the other of them had to go to work on many holidays when I was young. I don't recall "disappointment" just a matter of fact understanding that other people got sick or hurt on the holidays and usually one of my parents had to be there. Often we were up early enough that they could stay for gifts before heading out, but sometimes they left in the middle of the night on Christmas eve. Then we would either do gifts without them or wait for their return, when we would "surprise" them with everything we got.

We were kids getting presents and we were happy. The parent left at home was happy. Your kids will take their cue from you.

Very good advice! There is no reason to show any disappointment about a spouse and parent not available for part of Christmas. My husband is a firefighter and shift work doesn't take a break. My kids are adults now and have great Christmas memories, even if sometimes we were up at 5 before he left or he met us at relatives' after shift on Christmas Day. Sometimes Christmas Eve was our bigger day of dinner and presents.

You don't sound selfish at all. Just have his parents over to celebrate a day before or after. I would keep it simple and say he is working and you are celebrating a different day. Don't mention on-call.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok to plan a Christmas that works for you over your in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your husband is fine with it, I don't see what the problem is. I hate that parents/grandparents feel that own a family's holidays. You had your turn, old folks, it's our turn now to do what we want with our own families on holidays.

As long as you feel the same when you are the " old folks" fine I guess. Meanwhile most likely the old folks entertained their parents and in laws

To our generation, it’s not about obligation, it’s about affection. If you are someone others want to be around on special days, you have nothing to worry about as you age. If you feel people are obligated to be with you in special days, I can guarantee you will be lonely.