Christmas—Is this selfish of me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the replies but yes I would schedule my in-laws when I know my husband could be there. This is not selfish, it’s normal. I would just tell them he “likely” has to work so how’s the 26th (or whatever day you want.)

Exactly. It makes no sense to host them on a day that your husband could have to work on a moments notice. The in laws still get their day with their son and grandchild. And you get to enjoy Christmas. It’s just good planning.

+2 my IL’s wouldn’t even want to be there if my husband wasn’t there or would have to leave or whatever. I don’t understand all these people who are clamoring to spend time with just their DIL and the grandkids.

Maybe they are clamoring because their definition of family is more inclusive than yours. Pity you can’t understand or even imagine that.

No I can’t imagine it, honestly. My IL’s wouldn’t want to be hosted at my house for a holiday if my husband wasn’t there. They’d go to one of their other children’s houses (DH’s siblings) even though neither of them have kids. And then see all of us including DH a different day. We’re all grown ups, we can handle doing “Christmas” on a slightly different day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not surprising the consensus is assuming the In-laws don't want to see the DIL outside of their child and/or give them the opportunity to develop their relationship with her without their child being the go-between.

There are 364 days that aren’t December 25th in which they can prove to her they want to develop an independent relationship with her. Just wanting Christmas looks like they just want to be served.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your husband is fine with it, I don't see what the problem is. I hate that parents/grandparents feel that own a family's holidays. You had your turn, old folks, it's our turn now to do what we want with our own families on holidays.

As long as you feel the same when you are the " old folks" fine I guess. Meanwhile most likely the old folks entertained their parents and in laws

To our generation, it’s not about obligation, it’s about affection. If you are someone others want to be around on special days, you have nothing to worry about as you age. If you feel people are obligated to be with you in special days, I can guarantee you will be lonely.

This. Act like your children— and especially your children in-law— don’t owe you anything. Because they don’t. Develop the kind of relationship that doesn’t rely on guilt or shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the replies but yes I would schedule my in-laws when I know my husband could be there. This is not selfish, it’s normal. I would just tell them he “likely” has to work so how’s the 26th (or whatever day you want.)

Exactly. It makes no sense to host them on a day that your husband could have to work on a moments notice. The in laws still get their day with their son and grandchild. And you get to enjoy Christmas. It’s just good planning.

+2 my IL’s wouldn’t even want to be there if my husband wasn’t there or would have to leave or whatever. I don’t understand all these people who are clamoring to spend time with just their DIL and the grandkids.

Maybe they are clamoring because their definition of family is more inclusive than yours. Pity you can’t understand or even imagine that.

No I can’t imagine it, honestly. My IL’s wouldn’t want to be hosted at my house for a holiday if my husband wasn’t there. They’d go to one of their other children’s houses (DH’s siblings) even though neither of them have kids. And then see all of us including DH a different day. We’re all grown ups, we can handle doing “Christmas” on a slightly different day.

My ILs are also grown ups. They can spend time with people who aren’t related to them by blood because they’ve taken the time and care to build good relationships. Sounds like your family hasn’t bothered to do that. Different strokes..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the replies but yes I would schedule my in-laws when I know my husband could be there. This is not selfish, it’s normal. I would just tell them he “likely” has to work so how’s the 26th (or whatever day you want.)

Exactly. It makes no sense to host them on a day that your husband could have to work on a moments notice. The in laws still get their day with their son and grandchild. And you get to enjoy Christmas. It’s just good planning.

+2 my IL’s wouldn’t even want to be there if my husband wasn’t there or would have to leave or whatever. I don’t understand all these people who are clamoring to spend time with just their DIL and the grandkids.

Maybe they are clamoring because their definition of family is more inclusive than yours. Pity you can’t understand or even imagine that.

No I can’t imagine it, honestly. My IL’s wouldn’t want to be hosted at my house for a holiday if my husband wasn’t there. They’d go to one of their other children’s houses (DH’s siblings) even though neither of them have kids. And then see all of us including DH a different day. We’re all grown ups, we can handle doing “Christmas” on a slightly different day.

My ILs are also grown ups. They can spend time with people who aren’t related to them by blood because they’ve taken the time and care to build good relationships. Sounds like your family hasn’t bothered to do that. Different strokes..

You must be very close to your IL’s ……

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Grandparents who actively play with the kids and enjoy the time with them are preferred to those [grandparents] who say they want to see the grandkids, then take two pictures for Facebook and shoo the kids away so they can stick their faces into devices all day.

Is this a thing?

Do Grandparents really do this?

Yes. Be aware of how lucky you are if you even have to ask this question.

+1. This is my in-laws to a T. Even now as teens they just want to grill my kids on their activities/school stuff so they have something to report to their friends.

+2. We used to hire a babysitter to watch the kids when my in-laws came so that we could socialize with them.

[Anonymous]

My husband had to work at the hospital all day last Christmas. My MIL announced months earlier that she would “definitely” be with us for the holiday. I told her that I was flying solo and likely would attend someone else’s celebration as well, and that I would keep her posted. Well, no one else stepped up and I wound up hosting two meals alone that day. Both my mother and MIL said they’d come early and help and then neither of them did. I already know that my husband’s only sibling will be away for the holiday this year and I’m anticipating a repeat. I’ve already decided I’m not doing it again. No advice, but I feel you on the unusual schedule and managing kids and hosting alone. It’s hard.

[Anonymous]

We never spend actual Christmas Day with the in laws because they live over 4 hours away and to coordinate with BIL's family it's always another day in December or even January. We still have food, exchange presents, enjoy each other's presence. The push to only have Christmas on Christmas Day is not necessary. Especially considering how it's practically the entire month of December.

I say you set a day when your dh can actually be there to do Christmas with the in laws.

I have a spouse that used to be on call, so I get how hard it is to plan! No need to make that harder on you by perhaps needing to serve your in laws while also trying to take care of your own kids on a big day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Christmas is on Monday this year. Have your husband tell them he's working/on call and can they have Christmas with you on the 23rd or 24th (you and your husband pick) so that you are guaranteed time together.

That seems totally reasonable.

What time would your DH likely be called into work? And does he also have to work on the 24th? If you think he will still be home through mid-morning, I would see if ILs wanted to come for dinner on Xmas Eve and be there in the AM when the kids open presents. Then they can leave by noon and your parents can come in the afternoon.

Exactly how do people get them out the door at noon? You don't pick them up to load in a car seat. OP inlaws live 1 hour away, 2 hour round trip. on call definitively on 12/25, what are those hours, on call and covering for others can change. If inlaws were helpful the PP advice is sensible. GP s do enjoy seeing GC and appears OP parents are about 1 hour or less away. OP have only GC both sides? OP siblings?

So if I was OP my focus would be on the helpful parents and set a 2-3 hour time block on Christmas for the inlaws. 1-4? Get them out and on the road before dark. Helpful parents or other people might also lighten the inlaw and any other annoyances thattraispe with them. Gt a elpful inlaw couple we know who often bring 2-3 single old relatives in the car who require waiting on. One of my DC's expects me to deflect and entertain SIL relatives and now he is on that same train. had a big mmement when I did not comply with silly request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband had to work at the hospital all day last Christmas. My MIL announced months earlier that she would “definitely” be with us for the holiday. I told her that I was flying solo and likely would attend someone else’s celebration as well, and that I would keep her posted. Well, no one else stepped up and I wound up hosting two meals alone that day. Both my mother and MIL said they’d come early and help and then neither of them did. I already know that my husband’s only sibling will be away for the holiday this year and I’m anticipating a repeat. I’ve already decided I’m not doing it again. No advice, but I feel you on the unusual schedule and managing kids and hosting alone. It’s hard.

I'd get ahead of this and just say you already have plans and can not host this year. No need to provide other details. Or you can say "with friends" and leave it at that. Don't make 2 big meals if you don't want to!

[Anonymous]

I think the issue is with having your parents over. .

Just. Do Christmas with you and the kids it's likely to happen again and you can start a little tradition.

Grandparents both sets can be seen at another time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is with having your parents over. .

Just. Do Christmas with you and the kids it's likely to happen again and you can start a little tradition.

Grandparents both sets can be seen at another time

Nope. If OP is going to be solo, she can certainly invite anyone she wants. Including her entire side of the family, if desired. When her DH is home celebrating holidays, he gets a say about who they invite as well. But her DH is backing her up, so there really is no issue here.

It is NOT tit for tat. It's about OP's comfort and desires for a major holiday. The only person's whose feelings she should consider equal to her own is her DH's. And she's done that.

[Anonymous]

I think the issue is with having your parents over.

-1

There is no issue with OP hosting whomever she desires.

There is nothing preventing the in-laws from hosting their own holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is with having your parents over. .

Just. Do Christmas with you and the kids it's likely to happen again and you can start a little tradition.

Grandparents both sets can be seen at another time

Nope. If OP is going to be solo, she can certainly invite anyone she wants. Including her entire side of the family, if desired. When her DH is home celebrating holidays, he gets a say about who they invite as well. But her DH is backing her up, so there really is no issue here.

It is NOT tit for tat. It's about OP's comfort and desires for a major holiday. The only person's whose feelings she should consider equal to her own is her DH's. And she's done that.

+1 If the ILs have a problem with it, they can address it with their DS. OP gets to manage her relationship with her parents any way she wants, including having them over as it suits her.

My mom was as close/closer to my paternal grandmother as she was her own mother. My paternal grandmother made a real effort to be supportive and 'easy' for my mom. My mother is supportive/inclusive of my SILs. They've been excellent role models in that area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue is with having your parents over. .

Just. Do Christmas with you and the kids it's likely to happen again and you can start a little tradition.

Grandparents both sets can be seen at another time

Nope. If OP is going to be solo, she can certainly invite anyone she wants. Including her entire side of the family, if desired. When her DH is home celebrating holidays, he gets a say about who they invite as well. But her DH is backing her up, so there really is no issue here.

It is NOT tit for tat. It's about OP's comfort and desires for a major holiday. The only person's whose feelings she should consider equal to her own is her DH's. And she's done that.

This is fairyland thinking. OP can do what she wants, but if one set of grandparents feel like they are getting the shaft, there will likely be bad feelings. OP’s feelings count, but there are other family members who have feelings, too.