Christmas—Is this selfish of me?
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Anonymous
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DH, for the first time since we’ve had children, will have to be on-call for Christmas. Technically he will be home, perhaps all day, but he runs a 50/50 chance of having to leave at a moment’s notice. I’m debating what’s fair not only for myself and my feelings on Christmas, considering the chance he may have to leave. It is regarding my ILs.
ILs are great, I love them and we get along fine in favorable circumstances. But they are sometimes overwhelming and expect to be treated as guests at all times. I’m just picturing what the day will look like if they make the over-an-hour drive to our house and then five minutes later, DH gets called in. I really don’t want to have to deal with hosting them on top of my own disappointment and tending to the disappointment of my small children. I’d rather be alone if he has to leave. Or, with that said, I’m also considering inviting my own parents over later in the afternoon, after presents are opened, to celebrate our own Christmas. If DH is there, great. If not, that’s ok! This also leaves a completely open schedule to otherwise plan when to celebrate with ILs on one of DH actual days off. Plus my parents are just helpful. DH said it sounds fine, and he won’t even tell his parents he’s on call and they can just assume he is working and I’m visiting with my family, and he will in advance plan when we will celebrate with his family to circumvent any expectations for the 25th. His mind is primarily focused on working that day, as he assumes he will be doing, so he isn’t giving this the emotional fortitude I am! Does this sound reasonable, or does this seem selfish on my part? |
Anonymous
| If DH has to go could you just suggest they help themselves and ask them for help? I would feel kind of bad depraving them from kids if this is their fault, although I totally get it. |
Anonymous
| I think it sounds incredibly selfish. And I think it’s terrible that you and your husband both are concocting a lie to favor your parents over his. Just hope when your kids grow up that they don’t treat you the same way. If they do, though, you can’t complain - you modeled the behavior for them. |
Anonymous
| Actually, PP taking my post back. If you make alternative plans its fine! They should understand that you don't have the capacity to do the big Christmas deal for kids and wait on them. |
Anonymous
| I think it sounds fine. Christmas can be overwhelming with little kids as it is. Having to manage IL's feelings if DH has to leave along with your own and your kids' feelings? You have DH's blessing. Just see them for Christmas Eve or the day after. |
Anonymous
| I don’t think it’s selfish, I think it makes logical sense. They want to celebrate with their son, who likely won’t be there. Don’t lie to them, but if you need to give a reason say that he wants to be sure and be able to celebrate with them and it doesn’t look like it will happen that day (which is truly what he assumes). Set a time to celebrate with them that you know he’ll be available to participate and everyone will be happier. |
Anonymous
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Christmas--beyond religion--is about children.
Grandparents at Christmas create great memories for children. Grandparents don't last forever, but your children's Christmas memories will last for the rest of their lives. You, your husband, and your children are very fortunate to have both sets of in-laws/grandparents alive and willing to spend Christmas day with you. In order to alleviate some concerns about waiting on the in-laws, why not order prepared food to serve in addition to whatever you like to prepare. Is it selfish of you ? Yes with respect to your children and to your in-laws it is a bit selfish and clearly lacking in Christmas spirit. |
Anonymous
| If your husband is fine with it, I don't see what the problem is. I hate that parents/grandparents feel that own a family's holidays. You had your turn, old folks, it's our turn now to do what we want with our own families on holidays. |
Anonymous
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OP, surely you understand that DCUM is the right forum for affirmation when you want to do something hurtful or mean or that screws over the in laws, right? You’re guaranteed to get plenty of support - plus an extra dose of snarky ageism as well.
You came to the right place for plotting your scheme! |
Anonymous
This is BS and I’ll prove it to you. My grandparents died when I was 14. Not too long ago I was reminiscing with my mom about my memories of Christmas at my grandparents house, and how I loved those long Christmas days, spending the morning opening presents at home with cinnamon rolls, and then spending the evening with my cousins—the smell of the fireplace, grandpa’s traditional dinner, the kids’ table—until it was pitch black outside. I always fell asleep in the car on the way home. She told me I was mistaken, we never spent Christmas there, it was always Christmas Eve and we’d head there right after Christmas Eve Mass. For twenty years I had assumed it was Christmas Day. It wasn’t. And my memories are still just as joyous. |
Anonymous
You have not proven anything to me beyond the fact that being with your grandparents during the Christmas holidays gave you great joy and happy memories. And that your mother was not selfish during this magical time for children. Moreover, you miss my point; grandparents should not be an afterthought or considered to be a nuisance at Christmas, Christmas Eve, or during any type of family celebration. |
Anonymous
+1 Adding
Not "overwhelming" grandparents that "expect to be treated as guests at all times". These are toxic grandparents. They will create terrible memories for children. OP be direct: tell the grandparents they are overwhelming, and they are not welcome. |
Anonymous
You are charming people who understand the true spirit of Christmas. Lucky grandkids. |
Anonymous
| It sounds great and since your husband is on board there’s no reason to question yourself. |
Anonymous
| Sounds fine to me. Your in laws will still get to see the kids sometime over Christmas break. No need for them to visit on Christmas if your husband may not be there. |