SIL constantly escaping her family life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their children have a mother who prioritizes health and fitness, giving back to the community, nurtures her friendships and interests, and enjoys the outdoors. She sounds like a well-rounded person and a good role model. I don't see the issue here.

She sounds pathologically selfish and just not a present mother. Basically a birth person but not the mother. Maybe the babies just "locked it in" for her. Husband would never get custody considering how much child support 4 kids would be worth per month unless he offered a sweet alimony deal. What a sad situation. Although my mother sucks even worse so I'd trade an absent mother for mine that trashes me.

This is how a lot of my friends are as mothers. We enjoy girls' trips, traveling overseas, and have our own interests and hobbies. My husband also takes trips with his friends and spends time on interests and hobbies. We share responsibilities and have family+hired help when the other is away. Of course, our personal hobbies have taken a backseat to our family. But we also think it's important to maintain our senses of identity and relationships outside of parenthood. Do you expect all parents to become isolated hermits, shells of themselves?

Oh, are you rarely parenting or present with your kids too? That's the opposite end of a spectrum from being a hermit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Um... I'd certainly bat an eye (and probably bat a lot of other things) if my DH was going away 5-10 days/month for leisure, working out for hours each day, never doing bedtime, never doing daycare dropoff/pickup, and took on a volunteer gig to spend time with other people's kids (??).

Yet the OP’s brother chose to have 4 kids with his wife.

You are presuming the wife had told him she was not on BC and he was in agreement. How does a woman who doesn't want to raise her kids have Irish twins and then go on to get pregnant quickly yet again, with twins no less. Sounds like she was not being honest with her family planning plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the details make this sound like a troll post. 4 kids under 6! 2 live-in nannies! 10-day camping trips! It’s got everything.

Well, the commenters seem to think it's all very normal (for the wealthy)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sexist, straight up. Let’s replace the genders. Pretend it’s a husband that is not around much. He’s a dentist or a surgeon who works every Tuesday evening and all day Saturday or he’s in the National Guard and he is gone one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year in addition to his 9-5 job. He’s also training for a marathon and long runs take 2-4 hours once a weekend.

This all seems reasonable doesn’t it? Hardly the source of so much worry and gossip.

I get it to some extent - I never spent that much time away from my kids when they were that young. I didn’t put them to bed every night, but I also didn’t spend the night away from them more than a single night here or there for a work trip or a family wedding. It’s not how I parent, but I don’t think the SIL’s approach is wrong or concerning.

The issue is that her husband doesn’t agree with the balance of her time and she is not willing to compromise. Compromise does not mean she drops all of her hobbies to be at her family’s beck and call every moment. It may mean that she goes camping 4x a year and runs 2 marathons instead of 4 - freeing up some time for the BIL to have his own hobbies too.

Are you kidding? It's the opposite. She's not a surgeon, she's a SAHM! If someone came on here describing a husband who didn't work, didn't do any childcare apart from scheduling activities that he left it to someone else to execute on, spent all his time training for marathons and on camping trips and volunteering at a kids' camp his kids don't even go to (WTF?) everyone would say the DW should divorce him (because he's having an affair, or dead weight, or both).

[Anonymous]

BIL has the upper hand because he is present and the sole provider. He must be earning a lot to support this insanity. SIL doesn’t earn a salary, and she’s taking off on her husband's dime. If he divorces her, she’ll need to work, so there goes her me time. 50/50 custody. He’s not going to pay for her nannies when she has the kids. He’ll hire someone when he has the kids. She has a lot to lose. You all are putting most of the blame on him for creating 4 kids. Are you nuts. What about her responsibility? Did she lie about birth control? Or did she dupe him? Is he a 1%er?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sexist, straight up. Let’s replace the genders. Pretend it’s a husband that is not around much. He’s a dentist or a surgeon who works every Tuesday evening and all day Saturday or he’s in the National Guard and he is gone one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year in addition to his 9-5 job. He’s also training for a marathon and long runs take 2-4 hours once a weekend.

This all seems reasonable doesn’t it? Hardly the source of so much worry and gossip.

I get it to some extent - I never spent that much time away from my kids when they were that young. I didn’t put them to bed every night, but I also didn’t spend the night away from them more than a single night here or there for a work trip or a family wedding. It’s not how I parent, but I don’t think the SIL’s approach is wrong or concerning.

The issue is that her husband doesn’t agree with the balance of her time and she is not willing to compromise. Compromise does not mean she drops all of her hobbies to be at her family’s beck and call every moment. It may mean that she goes camping 4x a year and runs 2 marathons instead of 4 - freeing up some time for the BIL to have his own hobbies too.

Are you kidding? It's the opposite. She's not a surgeon, she's a SAHM! If someone came on here describing a husband who didn't work, didn't do any childcare apart from scheduling activities that he left it to someone else to execute on, spent all his time training for marathons and on camping trips and volunteering at a kids' camp his kids don't even go to (WTF?) everyone would say the DW should divorce him (because he's having an affair, or dead weight, or both).

This totally depends on the details…has it been established that she “doesn’t do any childcare”? I would find that very hard to believe (particularly if we are taking a nosy SIL’s word for it). Many SAHMs (and certainly those with $ and help) spend time exercising and volunteering. The frequent camping trips sound very very odd to me, however.

I was a SAHM for a few years after #2 and #3 were born (tried for a second and surprise!- twins) and had part time help. I was definitely doing a LOT of childcare with 3 under 3 ….are you kidding? Totally different situation yes, but I can only imagine what an imaginary nosy and judgmental SIL might have had to say. I like my own SILs - they are great- but have heard enough stories to be suspicious lol. I also exercised and my DH certainly did not complain.

The frequent trips are the only thing that seem odd to me…if they can come to some compromise on that, I really don’t see the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL has the upper hand because he is present and the sole provider. He must be earning a lot to support this insanity. SIL doesn’t earn a salary, and she’s taking off on her husband's dime. If he divorces her, she’ll need to work, so there goes her me time. 50/50 custody. He’s not going to pay for her nannies when she has the kids. He’ll hire someone when he has the kids. She has a lot to lose. You all are putting most of the blame on him for creating 4 kids. Are you nuts. What about her responsibility? Did she lie about birth control? Or did she dupe him? Is he a 1%er?

For all we know, the SIL would prefer this. BIL sounds like a high earner and will end up paying hefty child support. Yes, she’ll likely go back to work- but I don’t see any indication she would be opposed to that. She’ll have as much “me time” as ever- he will have the kids 50% of the time! The kids will be in school FT soon enough as well- sounds like the oldest 2 already almost are. She doesn’t sound like she has expensive tastes- I mean, she spends her free time camping, not at the spa FFS.

Perhaps that would be the better solution for all. 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the details make this sound like a troll post. 4 kids under 6! 2 live-in nannies! 10-day camping trips! It’s got everything.

+1. Now way this is real. OP, I do give you credit. It is through provoking.

This is 100% factual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this new? If not why did your brother go in to have for kids with a woman who doesn’t want to parent? For kids under six is a LOT. If it is new has he sat down to talk to her about it rather than just criticizing her on how she’s living her life/implying she’s a bad parent? I mean sure maybe SIL’s a terrible person but it’s not like she created those kids in her own.

Seems to have developed after the first child. Not a strong connection with the kids. They all want him when they want a parent, not her. And yes, he has spoken to her directly, and with a couples therapist, and his own therapist. She simply says she doesn’t care what he thinks about her solo plans and she is goes anyway.

OP, your enmeshment with your brother's family seems unhealthy. Focus on your own life. Your brother and SIL are adults> Trust them to figure out their own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team brother. You shouldn't have kids if you don't enjoy spending most of your free time with them, in my opinion.

He's stuck, unfortunately. He might as well try to enjoy his life fully before he gets too old.

How would you even know before you have kids whether you'd "enjoy spending most of your free time with them"? GMAFB.

When you choose to have four kids — choose — that’s what you are signing up for. “Enjoy?” GTFOH. Welcome to parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing wrong with being raised by nannies. This country is strange because there is such little family and community support. So instead we buy this help.

It is very hard raising young kids but not doing so is these parents’ loss. I had such hard times with a newborn and a toddler but wouldn’t trade that for the world: they are some of my fondest memories.

I can’t imagine 4 little ones so close in age. Must be overwhelming for her. It’s good she has hired help.

Don’t be so dramatic. This mom 1) takes one camping trip a month 2) has a very part time summer volunteer job 3) works out a lot.

She’s raising her kids. She’s just also taking reasonable time away for herself.

I am a SAHM of young kids and very much in favor of SAHPs taking time away for themselves. But the amount of time OP's SIL is spending away from the kids/family seems pretty excessive. You think it's OK for her to be gone 1/4 weekends a year for non-necessary/leisure travel? That's pretty self-centered as a parent of young kids to take that much time for yourself. And it seems she doesn't enjoy the kids/family life. She probably isn't too fond of OP's brother either.

Of course it’s okay to be away 2 days out of 30

No it’s not selfish to spend 6% of your time away. Conversely she is home 94% of the time.

Tell me you didn’t read the whole post without telling me you didn’t read the whole post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a job? With 2 live-in nannies, I’d assume she works. Do you have any idea how many hours a day she spends with her kids?

Does not work.

Of COURSE she doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The wife is managing the schedules of four kids and two live-in staff. It sounds like the house is busy but functioning. I think you are underestimating the amount of work she is doing OP, and clearly your brother doesn't appreciate it.

Oh, PLEASE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife is managing the schedules of four kids and two live-in staff. It sounds like the house is busy but functioning. I think you are underestimating the amount of work she is doing OP, and clearly your brother doesn't appreciate it.

ITA.

Then you’re both ridiculous. She’s a mom of four, not The Lady of the Manor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sexist, straight up. Let’s replace the genders. Pretend it’s a husband that is not around much. He’s a dentist or a surgeon who works every Tuesday evening and all day Saturday or he’s in the National Guard and he is gone one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year in addition to his 9-5 job. He’s also training for a marathon and long runs take 2-4 hours once a weekend.

This all seems reasonable doesn’t it? Hardly the source of so much worry and gossip.

I get it to some extent - I never spent that much time away from my kids when they were that young. I didn’t put them to bed every night, but I also didn’t spend the night away from them more than a single night here or there for a work trip or a family wedding. It’s not how I parent, but I don’t think the SIL’s approach is wrong or concerning.

The issue is that her husband doesn’t agree with the balance of her time and she is not willing to compromise. Compromise does not mean she drops all of her hobbies to be at her family’s beck and call every moment. It may mean that she goes camping 4x a year and runs 2 marathons instead of 4 - freeing up some time for the BIL to have his own hobbies too.

+1

I find the original post quite sexist. No one would bat an eye if a man/father were doing the same. I know a lot of men who take some sort of trip monthly- golf, fishing, etc and spend a lot of time on hobbies and exercise. Good for her for prioritizing herself rather than being a mommy martyr (I should’ve done more of that myself, when my own kids were small). She just needs to find a compromise with her DH as it is a bit too much.

Um... I'd certainly bat an eye (and probably bat a lot of other things) if my DH was going away 5-10 days/month for leisure, working out for hours each day, never doing bedtime, never doing daycare dropoff/pickup, and took on a volunteer gig to spend time with other people's kids (??).

Yeah, so would I and so would 95% of the women on DCUM. The PP attempting to play the dOuBle sTanDaRd card is full of crap.