SIL constantly escaping her family life

[Anonymous]

I know this is none of my business (!), just curious if others have an opinion:

My brother and his wife have four kids <6. She escapes her life at any opportunity: camping with friends at least 1x/month (near & far - car&plane rides away), trains for marathons for hours at a time, volunteers at summer camp for several weekends - all q/o the family. They have 2x live in help so the kids are cared for but she is around inconsistently, relatively speaking. It was clear early that she loooved being pregnant but not the mothering. My brother asks her to stop the trips but she goes anyway. She goes to a women’s group therapy who cheer on her initiative. Neighbors have started to ask why she is on morning walks instead of walking the kids to school, why she isn’t around, etc. He wants to divorce but does not want to not have the kids everyday, he thinks that is what’s best for them. It might be! I’ve not offered any opinion/advice to him (and wouldn’t w/o his explicit request) but wouldn’t it be better to do it while they are young and don’t know any different?

[Anonymous]

MYOB
You sound jealous.

[Anonymous]

Four kids under 6 is demanding and hard! Not all women are cut out for full-time motherhood. It’s better that she has some outlets and the ability to get away sometimes or she might end up taking out her frustrations on the kids. How much is too much time away — I don’t know. That’s for your brother to work out with his wife. Maybe they should talk to their pediatrician and a marriage counselor before they give up.

It’s ironic that your brother doesn’t want to have the kids full-time, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Four kids under 6 is demanding and hard! Not all women are cut out for full-time motherhood. It’s better that she has some outlets and the ability to get away sometimes or she might end up taking out her frustrations on the kids. How much is too much time away — I don’t know. That’s for your brother to work out with his wife. Maybe they should talk to their pediatrician and a marriage counselor before they give up.

It’s ironic that your brother doesn’t want to have the kids full-time, either.

Op said her brother does not want to NOT have the kids everyday. It was a weird way to state it but OP is actually saying her brother DOES want the kids everyday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four kids under 6 is demanding and hard! Not all women are cut out for full-time motherhood. It’s better that she has some outlets and the ability to get away sometimes or she might end up taking out her frustrations on the kids. How much is too much time away — I don’t know. That’s for your brother to work out with his wife. Maybe they should talk to their pediatrician and a marriage counselor before they give up.

It’s ironic that your brother doesn’t want to have the kids full-time, either.

Op said her brother does not want to NOT have the kids everyday. It was a weird way to state it but OP is actually saying her brother DOES want the kids everyday.

You mean her brother doesn’t want the kids in another house while 2 live i d and his wife care for them.

Is he home all day?
Is he at school enough Mom’s don’t wonder where he is.
Does he never go to work or on work trips or do things with friends on the weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is none of my business (!), just curious if others have an opinion:

My brother and his wife have four kids <6. She escapes her life at any opportunity: camping with friends at least 1x/month (near & far - car&plane rides away), trains for marathons for hours at a time, volunteers at summer camp for several weekends - all q/o the family. They have 2x live in help so the kids are cared for but she is around inconsistently, relatively speaking. It was clear early that she loooved being pregnant but not the mothering. My brother asks her to stop the trips but she goes anyway. She goes to a women’s group therapy who cheer on her initiative. Neighbors have started to ask why she is on morning walks instead of walking the kids to school, why she isn’t around, etc. He wants to divorce but does not want to not have the kids everyday, he thinks that is what’s best for them. It might be! I’ve not offered any opinion/advice to him (and wouldn’t w/o his explicit request) but wouldn’t it be better to do it while they are young and don’t know any different?

Your sister-in-law, who has 4 little kids, is prioritizing her own mental health. Her kids are cared for and she is taking care of her need. Maybe she does not need to be around her children full time to be a good mother. Maybe your brother should worry less about what the neighbors are saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four kids under 6 is demanding and hard! Not all women are cut out for full-time motherhood. It’s better that she has some outlets and the ability to get away sometimes or she might end up taking out her frustrations on the kids. How much is too much time away — I don’t know. That’s for your brother to work out with his wife. Maybe they should talk to their pediatrician and a marriage counselor before they give up.

It’s ironic that your brother doesn’t want to have the kids full-time, either.

Op said her brother does not want to NOT have the kids everyday. It was a weird way to state it but OP is actually saying her brother DOES want the kids everyday.

You mean her brother doesn’t want the kids in another house while 2 live i d and his wife care for them.

Is he home all day?
Is he at school enough Mom’s don’t wonder where he is.
Does he never go to work or on work trips or do things with friends on the weekend?

Did OP say this? Did OP say her brother works out of the home and his wife is a SAHM? Did OP indicate brother is never around? I didn't see it. I mean I don't think we should just take OP's word for it or anything but she makes it seem like her brother is a more involved parent than her SIL so why are you assuming it's actually the other way around?

[Anonymous]

Team brother. You shouldn't have kids if you don't enjoy spending most of your free time with them, in my opinion.

He's stuck, unfortunately. He might as well try to enjoy his life fully before he gets too old.

[Anonymous]

Is this new? If not why did your brother go in to have for kids with a woman who doesn’t want to parent? For kids under six is a LOT. If it is new has he sat down to talk to her about it rather than just criticizing her on how she’s living her life/implying she’s a bad parent? I mean sure maybe SIL’s a terrible person but it’s not like she created those kids in her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team brother. You shouldn't have kids if you don't enjoy spending most of your free time with them, in my opinion.

He's stuck, unfortunately. He might as well try to enjoy his life fully before he gets too old.

How would you even know before you have kids whether you'd "enjoy spending most of your free time with them"? GMAFB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Four kids under 6 is demanding and hard! Not all women are cut out for full-time motherhood. It’s better that she has some outlets and the ability to get away sometimes or she might end up taking out her frustrations on the kids. How much is too much time away — I don’t know. That’s for your brother to work out with his wife. Maybe they should talk to their pediatrician and a marriage counselor before they give up.

It’s ironic that your brother doesn’t want to have the kids full-time, either.

He does want them full time. I used a double negative, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four kids under 6 is demanding and hard! Not all women are cut out for full-time motherhood. It’s better that she has some outlets and the ability to get away sometimes or she might end up taking out her frustrations on the kids. How much is too much time away — I don’t know. That’s for your brother to work out with his wife. Maybe they should talk to their pediatrician and a marriage counselor before they give up.

It’s ironic that your brother doesn’t want to have the kids full-time, either.

Op said her brother does not want to NOT have the kids everyday. It was a weird way to state it but OP is actually saying her brother DOES want the kids everyday.

You mean her brother doesn’t want the kids in another house while 2 live i d and his wife care for them.

Is he home all day?
Is he at school enough Mom’s don’t wonder where he is.
Does he never go to work or on work trips or do things with friends on the weekend?

My brother works full time and supports the entire family and help. He is at school, camp, birthday parties, and typically is the parent making a presence at these things. He doesn’t take trips anymore because she is always gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team brother. You shouldn't have kids if you don't enjoy spending most of your free time with them, in my opinion.

He's stuck, unfortunately. He might as well try to enjoy his life fully before he gets too old.

He used the work stuck, too. I agree, unless he rips the cord now and prioritizes his happiness. Easier to separate while they are young than older, in my opinion. He hasn’t asked and I haven’t offered. I just find it an odd situation. I don’t know any other couples where the mom is fairly absent and does not care that her husband asks her to stay home more.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids and I’m like this too. Shamelessly. Of COURSE I want time away from them to be my own person, have some freedom from kids demands, enjoy friendships. I’m not a martyr at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this new? If not why did your brother go in to have for kids with a woman who doesn’t want to parent? For kids under six is a LOT. If it is new has he sat down to talk to her about it rather than just criticizing her on how she’s living her life/implying she’s a bad parent? I mean sure maybe SIL’s a terrible person but it’s not like she created those kids in her own.

Seems to have developed after the first child. Not a strong connection with the kids. They all want him when they want a parent, not her. And yes, he has spoken to her directly, and with a couples therapist, and his own therapist. She simply says she doesn’t care what he thinks about her solo plans and she is goes anyway.