SIL constantly escaping her family life

[Anonymous]

My partner is a very involved, interested parent. And after 2 kids we both cried uncle. I do not understand how you get to 4 kids here. Are there triplets involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four kids under 6 is demanding and hard! Not all women are cut out for full-time motherhood. It’s better that she has some outlets and the ability to get away sometimes or she might end up taking out her frustrations on the kids. How much is too much time away — I don’t know. That’s for your brother to work out with his wife. Maybe they should talk to their pediatrician and a marriage counselor before they give up.

It’s ironic that your brother doesn’t want to have the kids full-time, either.

Op said her brother does not want to NOT have the kids everyday. It was a weird way to state it but OP is actually saying her brother DOES want the kids everyday.

You mean her brother doesn’t want the kids in another house while 2 live i d and his wife care for them.

Is he home all day?
Is he at school enough Mom’s don’t wonder where he is.
Does he never go to work or on work trips or do things with friends on the weekend?

My brother works full time and supports the entire family and help. He is at school, camp, birthday parties, and typically is the parent making a presence at these things. He doesn’t take trips anymore because she is always gone.

I mean, first of all, it's none of your business.

Second of all - did he not realize after child number 1, or 2, or 3, that his wife needed time away from the family so either he was going to have to deal with that, or stop having more kids with her?

I think he thought she would be open to his feedback and dial back when he explicitly asked, both of which she is not.

He kept thinking that after having one child, then two, then three?

Is this one of those role reversal things where at the end you're like A-HA, actually it's my sister and her husband is going camping for 20 days a month?

Where is s/he camping for 20 days a month?

[Anonymous]

Affair!

[Anonymous]

The summer camp thing is mind blowing...she deals with a bunch of other people's kids for free? I can't think of anything less relaxing.

[Anonymous]

This is sexist, straight up. Let’s replace the genders. Pretend it’s a husband that is not around much. He’s a dentist or a surgeon who works every Tuesday evening and all day Saturday or he’s in the National Guard and he is gone one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year in addition to his 9-5 job. He’s also training for a marathon and long runs take 2-4 hours once a weekend.

This all seems reasonable doesn’t it? Hardly the source of so much worry and gossip.

I get it to some extent - I never spent that much time away from my kids when they were that young. I didn’t put them to bed every night, but I also didn’t spend the night away from them more than a single night here or there for a work trip or a family wedding. It’s not how I parent, but I don’t think the SIL’s approach is wrong or concerning.

The issue is that her husband doesn’t agree with the balance of her time and she is not willing to compromise. Compromise does not mean she drops all of her hobbies to be at her family’s beck and call every moment. It may mean that she goes camping 4x a year and runs 2 marathons instead of 4 - freeing up some time for the BIL to have his own hobbies too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing wrong with being raised by nannies. This country is strange because there is such little family and community support. So instead we buy this help.

It is very hard raising young kids but not doing so is these parents’ loss. I had such hard times with a newborn and a toddler but wouldn’t trade that for the world: they are some of my fondest memories.

I can’t imagine 4 little ones so close in age. Must be overwhelming for her. It’s good she has hired help.

Don’t be so dramatic. This mom 1) takes one camping trip a month 2) has a very part time summer volunteer job 3) works out a lot.

She’s raising her kids. She’s just also taking reasonable time away for herself.

I am a SAHM of young kids and very much in favor of SAHPs taking time away for themselves. But the amount of time OP's SIL is spending away from the kids/family seems pretty excessive. You think it's OK for her to be gone 1/4 weekends a year for non-necessary/leisure travel? That's pretty self-centered as a parent of young kids to take that much time for yourself. And it seems she doesn't enjoy the kids/family life. She probably isn't too fond of OP's brother either.

Of course it’s okay to be away 2 days out of 30

No it’s not selfish to spend 6% of your time away. Conversely she is home 94% of the time.

To this poster: it isn’t 2 of 30 days. The camping trips are 5-10 days each.

To a former poster: she does not work. She doesn’t grocery shop or handle meals or bedtimes. Her primary contribution is managing the schedules. Not driving them just preparing the schedules and arranging for where the kids should be by someone else.

Uhh…are you sure she isn’t having an affair / second life…?

I'm surprised we got to page 5 before someone brought this up. This was my first thought.

Yeah…re potential affair / second life, something seems fishy here. MULTIPLE monthly 5-10 day camping trips does not sound normal. Who exactly is she “camping” with, does he know??
I’m not saying she isn’t really marathon training either (I guess to some extent you couldn’t fully fake that one) but it’s a good excuse to be gone for multiple hour chunks without checking in…

OP is she seriously averaging two 5-10 day camping trips per month??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sexist, straight up. Let’s replace the genders. Pretend it’s a husband that is not around much. He’s a dentist or a surgeon who works every Tuesday evening and all day Saturday or he’s in the National Guard and he is gone one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year in addition to his 9-5 job. He’s also training for a marathon and long runs take 2-4 hours once a weekend.

This all seems reasonable doesn’t it? Hardly the source of so much worry and gossip.

I get it to some extent - I never spent that much time away from my kids when they were that young. I didn’t put them to bed every night, but I also didn’t spend the night away from them more than a single night here or there for a work trip or a family wedding. It’s not how I parent, but I don’t think the SIL’s approach is wrong or concerning.

The issue is that her husband doesn’t agree with the balance of her time and she is not willing to compromise. Compromise does not mean she drops all of her hobbies to be at her family’s beck and call every moment. It may mean that she goes camping 4x a year and runs 2 marathons instead of 4 - freeing up some time for the BIL to have his own hobbies too.

I don’t think your examples are a good comparison. A surgeon or national guard member is working to provide for their family. Random camping trips and girls’ weekends are different. And FWIW my response about a DH working weekends vs going off on guy’s trips and out for beers/fishing would be different too.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is like this. Generally disinterested in her 3DC and hyper competitive generally but most especially with her DH, my brother.

Huge scorekeeper: if DH goes on a business trip for one week, upon his return, she leaves for one week, either her own business trip or she’ll run an out of town 10k. Everything has to be 50/50. She always claims exhaustion though and ends up being away from her family way more than DH.

SIL is generally very negative, cold and brusque with a solid RBF.

[Anonymous]

This is what I get for being mean: overuse of generally. WTH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sexist, straight up. Let’s replace the genders. Pretend it’s a husband that is not around much. He’s a dentist or a surgeon who works every Tuesday evening and all day Saturday or he’s in the National Guard and he is gone one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year in addition to his 9-5 job. He’s also training for a marathon and long runs take 2-4 hours once a weekend.

This all seems reasonable doesn’t it? Hardly the source of so much worry and gossip.

I get it to some extent - I never spent that much time away from my kids when they were that young. I didn’t put them to bed every night, but I also didn’t spend the night away from them more than a single night here or there for a work trip or a family wedding. It’s not how I parent, but I don’t think the SIL’s approach is wrong or concerning.

The issue is that her husband doesn’t agree with the balance of her time and she is not willing to compromise. Compromise does not mean she drops all of her hobbies to be at her family’s beck and call every moment. It may mean that she goes camping 4x a year and runs 2 marathons instead of 4 - freeing up some time for the BIL to have his own hobbies too.

+1

I find the original post quite sexist. No one would bat an eye if a man/father were doing the same. I know a lot of men who take some sort of trip monthly- golf, fishing, etc and spend a lot of time on hobbies and exercise. Good for her for prioritizing herself rather than being a mommy martyr (I should’ve done more of that myself, when my own kids were small). She just needs to find a compromise with her DH as it is a bit too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sexist, straight up. Let’s replace the genders. Pretend it’s a husband that is not around much. He’s a dentist or a surgeon who works every Tuesday evening and all day Saturday or he’s in the National Guard and he is gone one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year in addition to his 9-5 job. He’s also training for a marathon and long runs take 2-4 hours once a weekend.

This all seems reasonable doesn’t it? Hardly the source of so much worry and gossip.

I get it to some extent - I never spent that much time away from my kids when they were that young. I didn’t put them to bed every night, but I also didn’t spend the night away from them more than a single night here or there for a work trip or a family wedding. It’s not how I parent, but I don’t think the SIL’s approach is wrong or concerning.

The issue is that her husband doesn’t agree with the balance of her time and she is not willing to compromise. Compromise does not mean she drops all of her hobbies to be at her family’s beck and call every moment. It may mean that she goes camping 4x a year and runs 2 marathons instead of 4 - freeing up some time for the BIL to have his own hobbies too.

+1

I find the original post quite sexist. No one would bat an eye if a man/father were doing the same. I know a lot of men who take some sort of trip monthly- golf, fishing, etc and spend a lot of time on hobbies and exercise. Good for her for prioritizing herself rather than being a mommy martyr (I should’ve done more of that myself, when my own kids were small). She just needs to find a compromise with her DH as it is a bit too much.

Um... I'd certainly bat an eye (and probably bat a lot of other things) if my DH was going away 5-10 days/month for leisure, working out for hours each day, never doing bedtime, never doing daycare dropoff/pickup, and took on a volunteer gig to spend time with other people's kids (??).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sexist, straight up. Let’s replace the genders. Pretend it’s a husband that is not around much. He’s a dentist or a surgeon who works every Tuesday evening and all day Saturday or he’s in the National Guard and he is gone one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year in addition to his 9-5 job. He’s also training for a marathon and long runs take 2-4 hours once a weekend.

This all seems reasonable doesn’t it? Hardly the source of so much worry and gossip.

I get it to some extent - I never spent that much time away from my kids when they were that young. I didn’t put them to bed every night, but I also didn’t spend the night away from them more than a single night here or there for a work trip or a family wedding. It’s not how I parent, but I don’t think the SIL’s approach is wrong or concerning.

The issue is that her husband doesn’t agree with the balance of her time and she is not willing to compromise. Compromise does not mean she drops all of her hobbies to be at her family’s beck and call every moment. It may mean that she goes camping 4x a year and runs 2 marathons instead of 4 - freeing up some time for the BIL to have his own hobbies too.

+1

I find the original post quite sexist. No one would bat an eye if a man/father were doing the same. I know a lot of men who take some sort of trip monthly- golf, fishing, etc and spend a lot of time on hobbies and exercise. Good for her for prioritizing herself rather than being a mommy martyr (I should’ve done more of that myself, when my own kids were small). She just needs to find a compromise with her DH as it is a bit too much.

Um... I'd certainly bat an eye (and probably bat a lot of other things) if my DH was going away 5-10 days/month for leisure, working out for hours each day, never doing bedtime, never doing daycare dropoff/pickup, and took on a volunteer gig to spend time with other people's kids (??).

As would I, but we both work FT and don’t have FT live-in help x2. Clearly this family is in a far different situation. They have a staff handling much of the day-to-day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team brother. You shouldn't have kids if you don't enjoy spending most of your free time with them, in my opinion.

He's stuck, unfortunately. He might as well try to enjoy his life fully before he gets too old.

How would you even know before you have kids whether you'd "enjoy spending most of your free time with them"? GMAFB.

Um, wouldn't you know after the first one or two? How about stop having kids after that if you realize you don't like them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sexist, straight up. Let’s replace the genders. Pretend it’s a husband that is not around much. He’s a dentist or a surgeon who works every Tuesday evening and all day Saturday or he’s in the National Guard and he is gone one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year in addition to his 9-5 job. He’s also training for a marathon and long runs take 2-4 hours once a weekend.

This all seems reasonable doesn’t it? Hardly the source of so much worry and gossip.

I get it to some extent - I never spent that much time away from my kids when they were that young. I didn’t put them to bed every night, but I also didn’t spend the night away from them more than a single night here or there for a work trip or a family wedding. It’s not how I parent, but I don’t think the SIL’s approach is wrong or concerning.

The issue is that her husband doesn’t agree with the balance of her time and she is not willing to compromise. Compromise does not mean she drops all of her hobbies to be at her family’s beck and call every moment. It may mean that she goes camping 4x a year and runs 2 marathons instead of 4 - freeing up some time for the BIL to have his own hobbies too.

+1

I find the original post quite sexist. No one would bat an eye if a man/father were doing the same. I know a lot of men who take some sort of trip monthly- golf, fishing, etc and spend a lot of time on hobbies and exercise. Good for her for prioritizing herself rather than being a mommy martyr (I should’ve done more of that myself, when my own kids were small). She just needs to find a compromise with her DH as it is a bit too much.

Um... I'd certainly bat an eye (and probably bat a lot of other things) if my DH was going away 5-10 days/month for leisure, working out for hours each day, never doing bedtime, never doing daycare dropoff/pickup, and took on a volunteer gig to spend time with other people's kids (??).

As would I, but we both work FT and don’t have FT live-in help x2. Clearly this family is in a far different situation. They have a staff handling much of the day-to-day.

Do they have staff putting each of the 4 kids to bed every night? Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I feel like that's one of those core parental responsibilities that you shouldn't outsource. Or have only 1 parent do it every time. Reading stories, kissing goodnight, changing into jammies, bottle or nursing when they're babies -- it's one of the best ways of bonding with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sexist, straight up. Let’s replace the genders. Pretend it’s a husband that is not around much. He’s a dentist or a surgeon who works every Tuesday evening and all day Saturday or he’s in the National Guard and he is gone one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year in addition to his 9-5 job. He’s also training for a marathon and long runs take 2-4 hours once a weekend.

This all seems reasonable doesn’t it? Hardly the source of so much worry and gossip.

I get it to some extent - I never spent that much time away from my kids when they were that young. I didn’t put them to bed every night, but I also didn’t spend the night away from them more than a single night here or there for a work trip or a family wedding. It’s not how I parent, but I don’t think the SIL’s approach is wrong or concerning.

The issue is that her husband doesn’t agree with the balance of her time and she is not willing to compromise. Compromise does not mean she drops all of her hobbies to be at her family’s beck and call every moment. It may mean that she goes camping 4x a year and runs 2 marathons instead of 4 - freeing up some time for the BIL to have his own hobbies too.

+1

I find the original post quite sexist. No one would bat an eye if a man/father were doing the same. I know a lot of men who take some sort of trip monthly- golf, fishing, etc and spend a lot of time on hobbies and exercise. Good for her for prioritizing herself rather than being a mommy martyr (I should’ve done more of that myself, when my own kids were small). She just needs to find a compromise with her DH as it is a bit too much.

Um... I'd certainly bat an eye (and probably bat a lot of other things) if my DH was going away 5-10 days/month for leisure, working out for hours each day, never doing bedtime, never doing daycare dropoff/pickup, and took on a volunteer gig to spend time with other people's kids (??).

+1

These "let's reverse the genders" posters seem to be stuck in 1950 themselves. Most women today would not be okay with their DH being MIA pursuing a bunch of hobbies when kids are so young.

In your example, surgeon or national guard is the person's job. No one would be faulting a DW for doing that either. But if that was my DH busy job and then he wanted to spend all his free time training for a marathon?? Nope no way.