SIL constantly escaping her family life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their children have a mother who prioritizes health and fitness, giving back to the community, nurtures her friendships and interests, and enjoys the outdoors. She sounds like a well-rounded person and a good role model. I don't see the issue here.

What a meaningless load of hot air you just posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their children have a mother who prioritizes health and fitness, giving back to the community, nurtures her friendships and interests, and enjoys the outdoors. She sounds like a well-rounded person and a good role model. I don't see the issue here.

She sounds pathologically selfish and just not a present mother. Basically a birth person but not the mother. Maybe the babies just "locked it in" for her. Husband would never get custody considering how much child support 4 kids would be worth per month unless he offered a sweet alimony deal. What a sad situation. Although my mother sucks even worse so I'd trade an absent mother for mine that trashes me.

This is how a lot of my friends are as mothers. We enjoy girls' trips, traveling overseas, and have our own interests and hobbies. My husband also takes trips with his friends and spends time on interests and hobbies. We share responsibilities and have family+hired help when the other is away. Of course, our personal hobbies have taken a backseat to our family. But we also think it's important to maintain our senses of identity and relationships outside of parenthood. Do you expect all parents to become isolated hermits, shells of themselves?

+1

Same here. DH and I have both maintained our friends, hobbies/exercise, trips etc- even when we had twin infants/toddlers. The same is true for most of our friends/siblings who have kids. It has been good for our mental health and our marriage. I can’t relate to the some of the posts on this thread at all. I do think the mom in question would be better to keep her monthly trips to a weekend/long weekend 3-4 days, considering how many young DC they have currently

[Anonymous]

I think she’s having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team brother. You shouldn't have kids if you don't enjoy spending most of your free time with them, in my opinion.

He's stuck, unfortunately. He might as well try to enjoy his life fully before he gets too old.

How would you even know before you have kids whether you'd "enjoy spending most of your free time with them"? GMAFB.

After you had one should have given you a general idea of how time consuming children are. You multiply that times, x 2 , 3, x4 and you know that it's a lot of work. Of course, this is assuming people have, and use, functioning brains.

[Anonymous]

She hired a replacement mother (2 even!) So what's the problem? He should hop on OLD or connect with someone at work or somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Is she hot? Did brother forget he married a trophy wife?

[Anonymous]

This is egoism at the highest level and unfortunately this is widely accepted today. No wonder nobody cares about the society and moreover the environment.

[Anonymous]

I would have a hard time knowing that my brother is asking her to stop and she isn’t compromising, but I would also bite my tongue since it rarely if ever does any good to speak up even if asked your thoughts by your family member, when it comes to someone else’s marriage. It’s so hard to feel for your sibling when you feel something isn’t fair though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is none of my business (!), just curious if others have an opinion:

My brother and his wife have four kids <6. She escapes her life at any opportunity: camping with friends at least 1x/month (near & far - car&plane rides away), trains for marathons for hours at a time, volunteers at summer camp for several weekends - all q/o the family. They have 2x live in help so the kids are cared for but she is around inconsistently, relatively speaking. It was clear early that she loooved being pregnant but not the mothering. My brother asks her to stop the trips but she goes anyway. She goes to a women’s group therapy who cheer on her initiative. Neighbors have started to ask why she is on morning walks instead of walking the kids to school, why she isn’t around, etc. He wants to divorce but does not want to not have the kids everyday, he thinks that is what’s best for them. It might be! I’ve not offered any opinion/advice to him (and wouldn’t w/o his explicit request) but wouldn’t it be better to do it while they are young and don’t know any different?

1) Get a vasectomy- stat
2) Assume she will not change and make decisions based on that.
3a) Divorce and try for more custodial time.
3b) Status quo- but throw money at time saving things so he can have children time and me time.
3c) Holding pattern and do 3b for a year and reassses.

[Anonymous]

Bean-counting other people's parenting hours timesheets is not a good look.

I am a little like this (prioritize my non-mom hobbies/wellbeing and marital relationship quite a bit) but I stopped at one child for that reason, so I will admit I also *privately* judge women who have like 3+ kids and still seem to have a low capacity. However, I don't say it out loud.

[Anonymous]

I have a SIL like this too.

Refuses to work, has a full time nanny 10 hours a day plus a different nanny on weekends. Plus a summer nanny plus babysitters to go out at night. She can’t be alone with the kids.

My parents *hate* her. Like, don’t even get them started on her because it puts them in such a bad mood. My brother “tolerates” her. They still do “date night” and go out to socialize but I know he sleeps in the guest bedroom and has talked to my parents about leaving her. Sometimes I feel like I should take her aside woman-to-woman to let her know what her husband and in laws are saying behind her back. He wants to divorce but doesn’t want to lose 50% custody of his kids. But I know that as soon as he meets a new (probably younger) woman who is into him and his $$$, SIL is out the door. She should probably start dusting off her resume because she is going to need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bean-counting other people's parenting hours timesheets is not a good look.

I am a little like this (prioritize my non-mom hobbies/wellbeing and marital relationship quite a bit) but I stopped at one child for that reason, so I will admit I also *privately* judge women who have like 3+ kids and still seem to have a low capacity. However, I don't say it out loud.

Why do you care? You sound jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a SIL like this too.

Refuses to work, has a full time nanny 10 hours a day plus a different nanny on weekends. Plus a summer nanny plus babysitters to go out at night. She can’t be alone with the kids.

My parents *hate* her. Like, don’t even get them started on her because it puts them in such a bad mood. My brother “tolerates” her. They still do “date night” and go out to socialize but I know he sleeps in the guest bedroom and has talked to my parents about leaving her. Sometimes I feel like I should take her aside woman-to-woman to let her know what her husband and in laws are saying behind her back. He wants to divorce but doesn’t want to lose 50% custody of his kids. But I know that as soon as he meets a new (probably younger) woman who is into him and his $$$, SIL is out the door. She should probably start dusting off her resume because she is going to need it.

NP. And someone who understands divorce.

Your brothers are all screwed in a divorce (but they deserve to be). Dust off her resume? Sorry, she sacrificed her prime earning years to birth children. She’s getting a ton of alimony plus child support to maintain the lifestyle the kids are used to. Including live in help.

And who doesn’t dream of 50/50 custody so men like these who overestimate their own contributions have to actually be full time parents half the time without things set up for them? Just wait till they have to figure out the schedule for one summer. Or when the live in help has a family emergency and needs to head out for a few weeks. Or quits.

The next hot young thing is also going to want more kids, haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see the issue…she goes away one weekend per month, and prioritizes her physical fitness? Oh- and volunteers at a summer camp a few weekends per summer. This does not sound excessive to me- if she and your brother can afford help to make this possible, how wonderful! The kids sound well cared for.

We had 3 kids close in age and it was very difficult when they were all so small. We would’ve loved to have been able to afford such help- good for her!

If DAD were doing the above, no one would think much of it re:parenting. Golf weekends, training for a marathon etc- all pretty normal for dads no?

That said, your brother does not seem to be getting time to HIMself and he has every right to be upset about that. Clearly they will need to come to a compromise. Hardly seems divorce-worthy, absent other issues.

MYOB. I have a feeling you are probably trying to stir the pot here…don’t.

Wrong! I’d quickly divorce my husband for that behavior. I advise OPs brother to do just that.

[Anonymous]

Sound like most men I work with.
Very common behavior for a dad, but we judge when it’s a mom