SIL constantly escaping her family life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing wrong with being raised by nannies. This country is strange because there is such little family and community support. So instead we buy this help.

It is very hard raising young kids but not doing so is these parents’ loss. I had such hard times with a newborn and a toddler but wouldn’t trade that for the world: they are some of my fondest memories.

I can’t imagine 4 little ones so close in age. Must be overwhelming for her. It’s good she has hired help.

Don’t be so dramatic. This mom 1) takes one camping trip a month 2) has a very part time summer volunteer job 3) works out a lot.

She’s raising her kids. She’s just also taking reasonable time away for herself.

I am a SAHM of young kids and very much in favor of SAHPs taking time away for themselves. But the amount of time OP's SIL is spending away from the kids/family seems pretty excessive. You think it's OK for her to be gone 1/4 weekends a year for non-necessary/leisure travel? That's pretty self-centered as a parent of young kids to take that much time for yourself. And it seems she doesn't enjoy the kids/family life. She probably isn't too fond of OP's brother either.

Of course it’s okay to be away 2 days out of 30

No it’s not selfish to spend 6% of your time away. Conversely she is home 94% of the time.

To this poster: it isn’t 2 of 30 days. The camping trips are 5-10 days each.

To a former poster: she does not work. She doesn’t grocery shop or handle meals or bedtimes. Her primary contribution is managing the schedules. Not driving them just preparing the schedules and arranging for where the kids should be by someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a job? With 2 live-in nannies, I’d assume she works. Do you have any idea how many hours a day she spends with her kids?

Does not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a dad spent this much time on his hobbies and fitness, most people would not bat an eye.

Please butt out, OP, unless you want to offer to spend more time with your brother’s kids just because you like them.

BTW, the neighbors are busybodies. Sounds like they enjoy feeling superior as they walk their kids to school and cluck-cluck in judgment when they see SIL running.

I say this as someone who has spent a total
Of 7 nights away from my kid in 10 years and who has never worked out in the morning or really carved out any time for myself…that doesn’t make me a better mother.

To be clear, I don’t need to butt out. I’ve not butt in. Just looking for others thoughts to these facts. My brother has no idea what my opinions are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So- she is out of town for 2 days/month?

And exercises daily?

What a monster! 🙄

No it’s more like 5-10 days for a camping trip plus more if she does something else like a wedding without the family or a trip with just one kid (happened only twice) or an out of town marathon or other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what is your situation? I think he kind of hints that he wants you to step in? Or am I being crazy.
I am pretty close with my brother and my SIL was pretty absent at times but they only have 2. I have 1, I kind of saw myself stepping in if needed but she wasn’t nearly as absent so it ended up not happening. My brother ended up daddy tracking and her career took off, but I am not sure if it’s because of her evil plan or because he just wasn’t cut out for career advancement.

We live in different cities so I cannot be help ful. They have local family who they ask and expect to help. It’s a burden on many people. As I mentioned, she loved the pregnancy part of mothering but not the next step. She wanted lots of kids before they got married but is not too engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she been screened for PPD?

Curious as well but my brother says she will not take any medicine for anything. Thinks she knows best for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did they get to FOUR kids? That doesn't just happen overnight.

Was she involved and present when there were 1-2 kids? when there were 3?

I don't know how anyone can stay sane with 4 kids under 6.

Yeah, are these quadruplets or two sets of twins?

Irish twins and then actual twins

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, they just sound wealthy (a SAHM + 2x live in help). She doesn’t sound all that unusual for that demographic of moms..yes, they exercise a lot, do volunteer work, and travel. They have more leisure time than most of us…who cares how they spend it? Training for a marathon sounds more productive than plenty of other ways to spend one’s free time.

I must say: how did your brother get himself into this situation if it isn’t what he wanted? He had 4 babies with her, and is paying for live in help x2. Surely she didn’t do all of this herself. 🤣

IMO your brother is most likely just using this as an excuse- probably has other issues with his wife he doesn’t bring up.

All sounds valid and I agree my brother, and the non-paid family help who feel burdened, are enabling the behavior. Don’t know what else is going on, these are just facts that I know.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see how divorce would help this situation. Your brother would still need to work and the nannies would still need to care for the children. Four kids so close in age (sounds like maybe 4 kids under 5 or so?) is a lot. This could just be a hard phase for your SIL and once they get out of the diaper/ tantrum phase, she may enjoy being around more and can take them to exercise/ camp, etc. Having a parent present who is doing their best and is at least loving in their own way is way better than divorce.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I agree with the PP who says this sounds pretty normal for a wealthy family that can afford that level of childcare.

I know a woman like this. She and her husband divorced (she cheated on him) and he has the kids like 80% of the time, because she’s out living her life.

Agree with PP that she should be screened for PPD, but otherwise I think this very well just be how she is.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this seems normal for very well-off families? I have an acquaintance who grew up rich in a developing country, dad traveled for work a lot, mom traveled for leisure a lot or just did her own thing, sometimes taking the kids sometimes not, and the nannies/housekeepers/driver etc. took care of the day to day.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of men and wives here who mention that their husbands don’t care for the baby / toddler years and are relatively uninvolved. I don’t think this is that unusual for a wealthy family. Do you have the same amount of wealth as them? Your post comes across as very jealous of her.

And if your family members are feeling “burdened” then you could advise them to set boundaries and let them know adhoc child care will not be possible.

[Anonymous]

The wife is managing the schedules of four kids and two live-in staff. It sounds like the house is busy but functioning. I think you are underestimating the amount of work she is doing OP, and clearly your brother doesn't appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four kids under 6 is demanding and hard! Not all women are cut out for full-time motherhood. It’s better that she has some outlets and the ability to get away sometimes or she might end up taking out her frustrations on the kids. How much is too much time away — I don’t know. That’s for your brother to work out with his wife. Maybe they should talk to their pediatrician and a marriage counselor before they give up.

It’s ironic that your brother doesn’t want to have the kids full-time, either.

He does want them full time. I used a double negative, sorry.

If he divorces her, does he believe she will fight for half of the time and utilize it? SHe already travels frequently and has 2 nannies. She could be perfectly fine with him being the main custodian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The wife is managing the schedules of four kids and two live-in staff. It sounds like the house is busy but functioning. I think you are underestimating the amount of work she is doing OP, and clearly your brother doesn't appreciate it.

+1 He expects a mommy martyr and is disappointed she won't subscribe to that role.