SIL constantly escaping her family life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this new? If not why did your brother go in to have for kids with a woman who doesn’t want to parent? For kids under six is a LOT. If it is new has he sat down to talk to her about it rather than just criticizing her on how she’s living her life/implying she’s a bad parent? I mean sure maybe SIL’s a terrible person but it’s not like she created those kids in her own.

Seems to have developed after the first child. Not a strong connection with the kids. They all want him when they want a parent, not her. And yes, he has spoken to her directly, and with a couples therapist, and his own therapist. She simply says she doesn’t care what he thinks about her solo plans and she is goes anyway.

So when she struggled to connect with and find the energy to parent one child he thought it was a great idea to impregnate her three more times? And he’s the one who’s trapped here?

I see nothing wrong with a dad being the primary parent and/or the mom travelling. To me the issue is that the kids need more cumulative parental attention than is available. Your brother probably can’t give much more (see above four little kids is a lot!) and his wife probably is going to need to step up but honestly I think they’re both wildly at fault for continuing to have kids when the issues with parental attention were present with just one kid.

I'm not reading all 6 pages, but this resonates with me. Co-created situation that your brother had all sorts of a head's up on as he kept getting his wife pregnant.

I will say when I read the OPs post my thought was - sounds like a lot of dads I know - particularly ones that play golf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sexist, straight up. Let’s replace the genders. Pretend it’s a husband that is not around much. He’s a dentist or a surgeon who works every Tuesday evening and all day Saturday or he’s in the National Guard and he is gone one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year in addition to his 9-5 job. He’s also training for a marathon and long runs take 2-4 hours once a weekend.

This all seems reasonable doesn’t it? Hardly the source of so much worry and gossip.

I get it to some extent - I never spent that much time away from my kids when they were that young. I didn’t put them to bed every night, but I also didn’t spend the night away from them more than a single night here or there for a work trip or a family wedding. It’s not how I parent, but I don’t think the SIL’s approach is wrong or concerning.

The issue is that her husband doesn’t agree with the balance of her time and she is not willing to compromise. Compromise does not mean she drops all of her hobbies to be at her family’s beck and call every moment. It may mean that she goes camping 4x a year and runs 2 marathons instead of 4 - freeing up some time for the BIL to have his own hobbies too.

+1

I find the original post quite sexist. No one would bat an eye if a man/father were doing the same. I know a lot of men who take some sort of trip monthly- golf, fishing, etc and spend a lot of time on hobbies and exercise. Good for her for prioritizing herself rather than being a mommy martyr (I should’ve done more of that myself, when my own kids were small). She just needs to find a compromise with her DH as it is a bit too much.

Um... I'd certainly bat an eye (and probably bat a lot of other things) if my DH was going away 5-10 days/month for leisure, working out for hours each day, never doing bedtime, never doing daycare dropoff/pickup, and took on a volunteer gig to spend time with other people's kids (??).

Yet the OP’s brother chose to have 4 kids with his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team brother. You shouldn't have kids if you don't enjoy spending most of your free time with them, in my opinion.

He's stuck, unfortunately. He might as well try to enjoy his life fully before he gets too old.

+100

SIL is missing out. Life is messy and hard with young kids. He should take advantage of the help they’ve hired, and embrace fatherhood full-on. Take the kids camping without her, have fun and build close relationships with the kids.

She may have mental health issues you don’t know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the details make this sound like a troll post. 4 kids under 6! 2 live-in nannies! 10-day camping trips! It’s got everything.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this new? If not why did your brother go in to have for kids with a woman who doesn’t want to parent? For kids under six is a LOT. If it is new has he sat down to talk to her about it rather than just criticizing her on how she’s living her life/implying she’s a bad parent? I mean sure maybe SIL’s a terrible person but it’s not like she created those kids in her own.

Seems to have developed after the first child. Not a strong connection with the kids. They all want him when they want a parent, not her. And yes, he has spoken to her directly, and with a couples therapist, and his own therapist. She simply says she doesn’t care what he thinks about her solo plans and she is goes anyway.

Dump her.

Kids deserve more. They didn't select her. She choose to have several children.

He deserves more.

She is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team brother. You shouldn't have kids if you don't enjoy spending most of your free time with them, in my opinion.

He's stuck, unfortunately. He might as well try to enjoy his life fully before he gets too old.

Right! If only Brother could figure out where these kids keep coming from! LOL GTFOH. He doesn't want a divorce/responsibility.

[Anonymous]

I’d divorce in this situation, and I don’t throw divorce out there often.

If she has ppd, she is clearly not seeking treatment for it and clearly has never bonded with her kids. Over time, the kids are going to feel it more and more. Better for the kids to not have that.

And I’d do it sooner rather than later. How long has she not worked? He’s been enabling this situation too long. He needs a very good lawyer so he can get a large amount of custody.

If she were willing to work on herself and her marriage, I would say try that first. But if she refuses to even stay home, I don’t see that happening.

I’d even try to get a PI just to verify what she is doing on these trips.

[Anonymous]

There are some things to consider before your brother initiates a divorce. Even if a court grants 50/50 custody, a parent can’t be forced to keep the kids 50% of the time. His wife (ex-wife at that point) would still be able to leave the kids with other people and disappear. If she wanted to spend time with the kids, she would already be doing so. She will not spend more time with them after a divorce. A divorce will be costly. Brother and SIL will have to maintain two households. I’m guessing she doesn’t have the earning potential he does. If she gets the kids 50% of the time, he’ll be paying child support even if she gets a job.

[Anonymous]

Well, that sounds like a tough situation, for sure.

There is no info provided at all about the marriage itself, whether he loves her and vice and versa, and if they are compatible in other respects? I mention that, because the “little kid” stage is so temporary, and can be a tough time for many parents- even more so with kids so very close in age. People seem to cope in different ways. It is a plus that this mom seems to be choosing healthy outlets (exercise, outdoors, etc) and they can afford significant help.

Clearly the mom needs to compromise and take DH’s wishes into account more than she does. The fact that she (apparently) just blows him off and does whatever she wants, regardless of his opinion, sounds more concerning than anything else.

[Anonymous]

Their children have a mother who prioritizes health and fitness, giving back to the community, nurtures her friendships and interests, and enjoys the outdoors. She sounds like a well-rounded person and a good role model. I don't see the issue here.

[Anonymous]

Most parents in my social group also have fitness interests that they pursue on the weekends, whether they run socially or are training for marathons, participating in bike races, yoga certifications, hiking and camping, sports leagues, etc. Do the other parents you know just not enjoy activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the details make this sound like a troll post. 4 kids under 6! 2 live-in nannies! 10-day camping trips! It’s got everything.

+1. Now way this is real. OP, I do give you credit. It is through provoking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their children have a mother who prioritizes health and fitness, giving back to the community, nurtures her friendships and interests, and enjoys the outdoors. She sounds like a well-rounded person and a good role model. I don't see the issue here.

She sounds pathologically selfish and just not a present mother. Basically a birth person but not the mother. Maybe the babies just "locked it in" for her. Husband would never get custody considering how much child support 4 kids would be worth per month unless he offered a sweet alimony deal. What a sad situation. Although my mother sucks even worse so I'd trade an absent mother for mine that trashes me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their children have a mother who prioritizes health and fitness, giving back to the community, nurtures her friendships and interests, and enjoys the outdoors. She sounds like a well-rounded person and a good role model. I don't see the issue here.

She sounds pathologically selfish and just not a present mother. Basically a birth person but not the mother. Maybe the babies just "locked it in" for her. Husband would never get custody considering how much child support 4 kids would be worth per month unless he offered a sweet alimony deal. What a sad situation. Although my mother sucks even worse so I'd trade an absent mother for mine that trashes me.

This is how a lot of my friends are as mothers. We enjoy girls' trips, traveling overseas, and have our own interests and hobbies. My husband also takes trips with his friends and spends time on interests and hobbies. We share responsibilities and have family+hired help when the other is away. Of course, our personal hobbies have taken a backseat to our family. But we also think it's important to maintain our senses of identity and relationships outside of parenthood. Do you expect all parents to become isolated hermits, shells of themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is none of my business (!), just curious if others have an opinion:

My brother and his wife have four kids <6. She escapes her life at any opportunity: camping with friends at least 1x/month (near & far - car&plane rides away), trains for marathons for hours at a time, volunteers at summer camp for several weekends - all q/o the family. They have 2x live in help so the kids are cared for but she is around inconsistently, relatively speaking. It was clear early that she loooved being pregnant but not the mothering. My brother asks her to stop the trips but she goes anyway. She goes to a women’s group therapy who cheer on her initiative. Neighbors have started to ask why she is on morning walks instead of walking the kids to school, why she isn’t around, etc. He wants to divorce but does not want to not have the kids everyday, he thinks that is what’s best for them. It might be! I’ve not offered any opinion/advice to him (and wouldn’t w/o his explicit request) but wouldn’t it be better to do it while they are young and don’t know any different?

You'e correct. It is ABSOLUTELY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. BUTT OUT!