SIL constantly escaping her family life

[Anonymous]

How did they get to FOUR kids? That doesn't just happen overnight.

Was she involved and present when there were 1-2 kids? when there were 3?

I don't know how anyone can stay sane with 4 kids under 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four kids under 6 is demanding and hard! Not all women are cut out for full-time motherhood. It’s better that she has some outlets and the ability to get away sometimes or she might end up taking out her frustrations on the kids. How much is too much time away — I don’t know. That’s for your brother to work out with his wife. Maybe they should talk to their pediatrician and a marriage counselor before they give up.

It’s ironic that your brother doesn’t want to have the kids full-time, either.

He does want them full time. I used a double negative, sorry.

Frankly he has no idea if he’d like kids to be his full time job or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this new? If not why did your brother go in to have for kids with a woman who doesn’t want to parent? For kids under six is a LOT. If it is new has he sat down to talk to her about it rather than just criticizing her on how she’s living her life/implying she’s a bad parent? I mean sure maybe SIL’s a terrible person but it’s not like she created those kids in her own.

Seems to have developed after the first child. Not a strong connection with the kids. They all want him when they want a parent, not her. And yes, he has spoken to her directly, and with a couples therapist, and his own therapist. She simply says she doesn’t care what he thinks about her solo plans and she is goes anyway.

Uh yeah. Of course she doesn’t care that he wants her to sacrifice herself for his preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four kids under 6 is demanding and hard! Not all women are cut out for full-time motherhood. It’s better that she has some outlets and the ability to get away sometimes or she might end up taking out her frustrations on the kids. How much is too much time away — I don’t know. That’s for your brother to work out with his wife. Maybe they should talk to their pediatrician and a marriage counselor before they give up.

It’s ironic that your brother doesn’t want to have the kids full-time, either.

He does want them full time. I used a double negative, sorry.

Frankly he has no idea if he’d like kids to be his full time job or not.

it's not like he'd quit his job to stay home w the kids...he wants full custody, not wants the kids to be his full time job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four kids under 6 is demanding and hard! Not all women are cut out for full-time motherhood. It’s better that she has some outlets and the ability to get away sometimes or she might end up taking out her frustrations on the kids. How much is too much time away — I don’t know. That’s for your brother to work out with his wife. Maybe they should talk to their pediatrician and a marriage counselor before they give up.

It’s ironic that your brother doesn’t want to have the kids full-time, either.

He does want them full time. I used a double negative, sorry.

Frankly he has no idea if he’d like kids to be his full time job or not.

it's not like he'd quit his job to stay home w the kids...he wants full custody, not wants the kids to be his full time job

Right. He just wants HER to make the kids 100% of her time and energy. He gets to keep all the external validation and stimulation of his high-pay, high-dignity job. Playing mommy martyr isn’t even on his radar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did they get to FOUR kids? That doesn't just happen overnight.

Was she involved and present when there were 1-2 kids? when there were 3?

I don't know how anyone can stay sane with 4 kids under 6.

Same question. He should not have had 4 questions.

Also, no sane person has 4 kids they don’t want.

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing wrong with being raised by nannies. This country is strange because there is such little family and community support. So instead we buy this help.

It is very hard raising young kids but not doing so is these parents’ loss. I had such hard times with a newborn and a toddler but wouldn’t trade that for the world: they are some of my fondest memories.

I can’t imagine 4 little ones so close in age. Must be overwhelming for her. It’s good she has hired help.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple people like this. It’s bizarre how much they don’t like being moms, yet became moms bc I guess it was expected. It doesn’t change. Based on my friends like this, your SIL will continue to be like this through high school. And she’ll have 0 guilt about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this new? If not why did your brother go in to have for kids with a woman who doesn’t want to parent? For kids under six is a LOT. If it is new has he sat down to talk to her about it rather than just criticizing her on how she’s living her life/implying she’s a bad parent? I mean sure maybe SIL’s a terrible person but it’s not like she created those kids in her own.

Seems to have developed after the first child. Not a strong connection with the kids. They all want him when they want a parent, not her. And yes, he has spoken to her directly, and with a couples therapist, and his own therapist. She simply says she doesn’t care what he thinks about her solo plans and she is goes anyway.

So when she struggled to connect with and find the energy to parent one child he thought it was a great idea to impregnate her three more times? And he’s the one who’s trapped here?

I see nothing wrong with a dad being the primary parent and/or the mom travelling. To me the issue is that the kids need more cumulative parental attention than is available. Your brother probably can’t give much more (see above four little kids is a lot!) and his wife probably is going to need to step up but honestly I think they’re both wildly at fault for continuing to have kids when the issues with parental attention were present with just one kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing wrong with being raised by nannies. This country is strange because there is such little family and community support. So instead we buy this help.

It is very hard raising young kids but not doing so is these parents’ loss. I had such hard times with a newborn and a toddler but wouldn’t trade that for the world: they are some of my fondest memories.

I can’t imagine 4 little ones so close in age. Must be overwhelming for her. It’s good she has hired help.

Don’t be so dramatic. This mom 1) takes one camping trip a month 2) has a very part time summer volunteer job 3) works out a lot.

She’s raising her kids. She’s just also taking reasonable time away for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing wrong with being raised by nannies. This country is strange because there is such little family and community support. So instead we buy this help.

It is very hard raising young kids but not doing so is these parents’ loss. I had such hard times with a newborn and a toddler but wouldn’t trade that for the world: they are some of my fondest memories.

I can’t imagine 4 little ones so close in age. Must be overwhelming for her. It’s good she has hired help.

Don’t be so dramatic. This mom 1) takes one camping trip a month 2) has a very part time summer volunteer job 3) works out a lot.

She’s raising her kids. She’s just also taking reasonable time away for herself.

She’s absent more than that:
“She escapes her life at any opportunity … trains for marathons for hours at a time, volunteers at summer camp for several weekends … They have 2x live in help so the kids are cared for but she is around inconsistently, relatively speaking … Neighbors have started to ask why she is on morning walks instead of walking the kids to school, why she isn’t around, etc.”

Marathons require a lot of time commitment, not being around on weekends, live in help doing the caregiving. That’s a lot of absences. Like I said, it’s this mom’s loss. Doing all of that work myself created a very strong bond between me and my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing wrong with being raised by nannies. This country is strange because there is such little family and community support. So instead we buy this help.

It is very hard raising young kids but not doing so is these parents’ loss. I had such hard times with a newborn and a toddler but wouldn’t trade that for the world: they are some of my fondest memories.

I can’t imagine 4 little ones so close in age. Must be overwhelming for her. It’s good she has hired help.

Don’t be so dramatic. This mom 1) takes one camping trip a month 2) has a very part time summer volunteer job 3) works out a lot.

She’s raising her kids. She’s just also taking reasonable time away for herself.

I am a SAHM of young kids and very much in favor of SAHPs taking time away for themselves. But the amount of time OP's SIL is spending away from the kids/family seems pretty excessive. You think it's OK for her to be gone 1/4 weekends a year for non-necessary/leisure travel? That's pretty self-centered as a parent of young kids to take that much time for yourself. And it seems she doesn't enjoy the kids/family life. She probably isn't too fond of OP's brother either.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see the issue…she goes away one weekend per month, and prioritizes her physical fitness? Oh- and volunteers at a summer camp a few weekends per summer. This does not sound excessive to me- if she and your brother can afford help to make this possible, how wonderful! The kids sound well cared for.

We had 3 kids close in age and it was very difficult when they were all so small. We would’ve loved to have been able to afford such help- good for her!

If DAD were doing the above, no one would think much of it re:parenting. Golf weekends, training for a marathon etc- all pretty normal for dads no?

That said, your brother does not seem to be getting time to HIMself and he has every right to be upset about that. Clearly they will need to come to a compromise. Hardly seems divorce-worthy, absent other issues.

MYOB. I have a feeling you are probably trying to stir the pot here…don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing wrong with being raised by nannies. This country is strange because there is such little family and community support. So instead we buy this help.

It is very hard raising young kids but not doing so is these parents’ loss. I had such hard times with a newborn and a toddler but wouldn’t trade that for the world: they are some of my fondest memories.

I can’t imagine 4 little ones so close in age. Must be overwhelming for her. It’s good she has hired help.

Don’t be so dramatic. This mom 1) takes one camping trip a month 2) has a very part time summer volunteer job 3) works out a lot.

She’s raising her kids. She’s just also taking reasonable time away for herself.

I am a SAHM of young kids and very much in favor of SAHPs taking time away for themselves. But the amount of time OP's SIL is spending away from the kids/family seems pretty excessive. You think it's OK for her to be gone 1/4 weekends a year for non-necessary/leisure travel? That's pretty self-centered as a parent of young kids to take that much time for yourself. And it seems she doesn't enjoy the kids/family life. She probably isn't too fond of OP's brother either.

+1 this is objectively a lot of time away when the kids are this young, and I too strongly support moms (and especially SAHMs!!) of young kids having their own hobbies and getting time away. But this is a LOT of time away, I’d agree it seems like she’s always looking to escape. However, since they can afford hired help it’s not like it’s all getting dumped on your brother…is she an engaged parent during the time she IS around the kids? Does your brother feel she’s neglecting their marriage / always putting the family last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing wrong with being raised by nannies. This country is strange because there is such little family and community support. So instead we buy this help.

It is very hard raising young kids but not doing so is these parents’ loss. I had such hard times with a newborn and a toddler but wouldn’t trade that for the world: they are some of my fondest memories.

I can’t imagine 4 little ones so close in age. Must be overwhelming for her. It’s good she has hired help.

Don’t be so dramatic. This mom 1) takes one camping trip a month 2) has a very part time summer volunteer job 3) works out a lot.

She’s raising her kids. She’s just also taking reasonable time away for herself.

I am a SAHM of young kids and very much in favor of SAHPs taking time away for themselves. But the amount of time OP's SIL is spending away from the kids/family seems pretty excessive. You think it's OK for her to be gone 1/4 weekends a year for non-necessary/leisure travel? That's pretty self-centered as a parent of young kids to take that much time for yourself. And it seems she doesn't enjoy the kids/family life. She probably isn't too fond of OP's brother either.

Okay? I think it’s fantastic! As a mom who worked before becoming a SAHM I think she’s spending way more time with her kids than I did when I was grinding away at my corporate job.

We probably have a similar number of kid-free nights away but instead of complaining my DH joins. But if he didn’t? I’d still go.