If you had an affair with a married person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think single women often don’t grasp the depth of what it means and how it affects people when men do this.

This. When I was in my mid-20s I had a relationship with a married colleague with 3 kids. We travelled M-Th for work and I didn’t think about his wife or family at all except once when I went shopping with him to pick out some expensive earrings for her birthday. I never contacted him on weekends or when we were apart. I didn’t take any time away that he would be spending with them. If he wasn’t with me, he was drinking with colleagues and clients at the hotel where we all “lived”.

When the project ended, he quit and found a job where he was home 7 nights a week. I saw him in passing at a conference 10 years later and he’s still married. I doubt I was the first or last affair he had. And no, I didn’t want anything bad to happen to his wife. I didn’t want 3 kids and a suburban life.

I travelled full time for a “work hard/play hard” consulting company with generous expense accounts for 10+ years. I’ve been at many a hotel bar at last call. Women talk. A lot of traveling consultants meet their spouse at work and a lot of single people in their 20s hook up, but the vast majority of married men don’t cheat.

I’m married now and the thought of breaking my husband’s heart and having him feel betrayed and disappointed in me is enough to stop me even thinking about cheating. But that’s about me making the decision that no one could be worth throwing away the life I have now.

Adults that cheat are capable of making their own decisions and taking responsibility. It’s not the OW’s job to have a conscience for the cheater.

Well, maybe he’ll break your heart. You think you’re in a very happy marriage with good sex and then find out he’s been banging a co-worker….it would be good for you to be on the other side of the situation. Hopefully, karma comes calling.

[Anonymous]

^ yeah. Kind of hilarious how she skated over that whole issue. Really self-centered and selfish way of living in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did it. I thought about his wife quite a lot over the years, not as a rival but just thinking about it from her perspective/position.

And what exactly do you think her perspective /position was?

I’m guessing she didn’t know you existed or that her husband was cheating?

She did know. I don’t know exactly what her thoughts were of course. I only know that she knew and stayed.

She knew during the affair? Are you sure about this? Cheaters lie

I am 100% certain.

[Anonymous]

Adults that cheat are capable of making their own decisions and taking responsibility. It’s not the OW’s job to have a conscience for the cheater.

Way to rationalize your crappy character. When your DH cheats and you thought you had a good marriage I hope you feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Betrayal sucks but the person who betrayed you is your cheating spouse, not anyone that they were having sex with. If your spouse doesn't respect you or value your marriage (and that's the big issue here), don't expect anyone else to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been sleeping with married men since i was 18. Im single, so I'm not the one cheating. I am always the one who ends it.

Guy here and good for you! Don’t listen to this board. Bunch of salty people. Slept with many married women and had long term affairs with married women. Enjoy…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, at one miserable point in my miserable marriage, I began sexting with men online. It was fun and I personally didn’t consider it cheating, just more of a pretend fantasy.

Eventually I landed on a married man and it was awful from start to finish. For one thing, he was funny and smart and sweet and we had a lot in common. I had feelings for him and pretended I didn’t. From what he told me, his marriage was less catastrophic than mine but I still believe it was bad. He admitted his wife wasn’t a bad person but that she refused to do marriage counseling with him and they only had sex 2-3 times per year. Maybe true, maybe not. I don’t think he had much reason to lie, honestly, some woman you are sexting with online is not going to be a paragon of virtue needing a lot of moral justification.

I did think about his wife and kids and felt awful about the whole thing the whole time. I liked him so much and I knew it was going to escalate and there could be no good outcome, so I slowly disengaged and eventually blocked him.

Similar experience. The man I met had a very fancy lifestyle and he is very into appearances. Good looking wife, beautiful homes, expensive artwork etc. But it became obvious over time that he was missing something. He loved to talk with me and I don’t see how someone in a great marriage would be down for talking to a random woman ad nauseam.

I was interested in talking to him because my marriage was in a bad place. Abuse, lies, cheating etc. I was simply lonely. I enjoyed speaking to this man and having someone be kind to me.

It ended because it drove me crazy and I knew I’d eventually get caught. I will miss him for the rest of my life. If I could do it all over again, I would have never married my DH or had children.

Pp that you are responding to and I think this is really the wrong way to think about it. You and this man got some validation and a little relief from this relationship, leave it at that. It reached the end it needed to reach and it was an unhealthy way to cope so be grateful there weren’t greater consequences and move on.

You don’t miss this man as much as you miss the feelings he gave you. If you tell yourself that you’ll miss him for the rest of your life, you’re just inflating his importance in your mind. Anyway get therapy and find ways to get your needs met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Betrayal sucks but the person who betrayed you is your cheating spouse, not anyone that they were having sex with. If your spouse doesn't respect you or value your marriage (and that's the big issue here), don't expect anyone else to.

Like another poster said, a lot of women, possibly betrayed wives themselves, like to infantilise men like they are innocent babies who will fall for any harlot who crosses their path. No woman can insert herself into a marriage with a man who values monogamy with his wife. I’m not saying a “good” marriage. I don’t have a good marriage in my estimation but DH’s loyalty to me is not a question in my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Betrayal sucks but the person who betrayed you is your cheating spouse, not anyone that they were having sex with. If your spouse doesn't respect you or value your marriage (and that's the big issue here), don't expect anyone else to.

Like another poster said, a lot of women, possibly betrayed wives themselves, like to infantilise men like they are innocent babies who will fall for any harlot who crosses their path. No woman can insert herself into a marriage with a man who values monogamy with his wife. I’m not saying a “good” marriage. I don’t have a good marriage in my estimation but DH’s loyalty to me is not a question in my mind.

It isn't in any woman's mind who has been in a long, loving married to a man for over 20 years, with kids, having good sex and a man that tells her he loves her every day. Men they thought had good character and were honest, loyal and morally decent people.

Kind of missing the point there: women are blind-sided every day. COMPLETELY BLIND-SIDED. I can't tell you how many women I know who thought the same as the bolded about their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Betrayal sucks but the person who betrayed you is your cheating spouse, not anyone that they were having sex with. If your spouse doesn't respect you or value your marriage (and that's the big issue here), don't expect anyone else to.

Like another poster said, a lot of women, possibly betrayed wives themselves, like to infantilise men like they are innocent babies who will fall for any harlot who crosses their path. No woman can insert herself into a marriage with a man who values monogamy with his wife. I’m not saying a “good” marriage. I don’t have a good marriage in my estimation but DH’s loyalty to me is not a question in my mind.

It isn't in any woman's mind who has been in a long, loving married to a man for over 20 years, with kids, having good sex and a man that tells her he loves her every day. Men they thought had good character and were honest, loyal and morally decent people.

Kind of missing the point there: women are blind-sided every day. COMPLETELY BLIND-SIDED. I can't tell you how many women I know who thought the same as the bolded about their spouses.

That person is missing personal responsibility for morality, character and empathy. This post wasn't about what do you think of the cheater or why the cheater cheats or the betrayed misplacing blame on the OW/OM.

The question being asked is: how can a 'good' person who claims to be empathetic and kind, bang a married person and be complicit in an affair. 'Good people" don't do this type of thing and think poorly of any married man or married woman that is propositioning them---no matter how attractive or well-off, etc., etc., They have empathy and put themselves in the betrayed spouse's and children's shoes. They have a CONSCIENCE. This was begging the question solely for the co-cheaters.

The answer overwhelmingly on this long thread was: they don't care. They don't care and they have no qualms or morals about doing something crappy that will greatly hurt someone else. They are along for the ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Betrayal sucks but the person who betrayed you is your cheating spouse, not anyone that they were having sex with. If your spouse doesn't respect you or value your marriage (and that's the big issue here), don't expect anyone else to.

Like another poster said, a lot of women, possibly betrayed wives themselves, like to infantilise men like they are innocent babies who will fall for any harlot who crosses their path. No woman can insert herself into a marriage with a man who values monogamy with his wife. I’m not saying a “good” marriage. I don’t have a good marriage in my estimation but DH’s loyalty to me is not a question in my mind.

For crying out loud: no. Both were scumbags. Both were married harlots looking for another married scumbag to cheat online with. I thought she was a nasty, dirty POS and so was HE for doing this to their own families AND the other family. Period. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Betrayal sucks but the person who betrayed you is your cheating spouse, not anyone that they were having sex with. If your spouse doesn't respect you or value your marriage (and that's the big issue here), don't expect anyone else to.

Like another poster said, a lot of women, possibly betrayed wives themselves, like to infantilise men like they are innocent babies who will fall for any harlot who crosses their path. No woman can insert herself into a marriage with a man who values monogamy with his wife. I’m not saying a “good” marriage. I don’t have a good marriage in my estimation but DH’s loyalty to me is not a question in my mind.

For crying out loud: no. Both were scumbags. Both were married harlots looking for another married scumbag to cheat online with. I thought she was a nasty, dirty POS and so was HE for doing this to their own families AND the other family. Period. End of story.

Your husband would rather spend time with "a nasty, dirty POS" than with you. That sucks and must've been difficult to deal with. I hope you are able to speak to someone about your rage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Betrayal sucks but the person who betrayed you is your cheating spouse, not anyone that they were having sex with. If your spouse doesn't respect you or value your marriage (and that's the big issue here), don't expect anyone else to.

Like another poster said, a lot of women, possibly betrayed wives themselves, like to infantilise men like they are innocent babies who will fall for any harlot who crosses their path. No woman can insert herself into a marriage with a man who values monogamy with his wife. I’m not saying a “good” marriage. I don’t have a good marriage in my estimation but DH’s loyalty to me is not a question in my mind.

For crying out loud: no. Both were scumbags. Both were married harlots looking for another married scumbag to cheat online with. I thought she was a nasty, dirty POS and so was HE for doing this to their own families AND the other family. Period. End of story.

Yep. Plenty of women doing the same thing. Actually, more in many age groups.

[Anonymous]

It comes down to a matter of personal integrity. Ultimately it is a question of character. If you are they type to cheat or 'date' married people- you are also the type that lies, betrays, puts their own selfish needs before others, have little empathy and cause harm to people who you "love". The qualities of cheaters and those in affairs don't add up to being a 'good' person. There are always mental issues at play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It comes down to a matter of personal integrity. Ultimately it is a question of character. If you are they type to cheat or 'date' married people- you are also the type that lies, betrays, puts their own selfish needs before others, have little empathy and cause harm to people who you "love". The qualities of cheaters and those in affairs don't add up to being a 'good' person. There are always mental issues at play.

Americans place cheating on a spouse dead last on a list of acceptable behaviors, behind abortion, cohabitation, pornography, out-of-wedlock births and divorce, among others. A puny 6 percent say adultery is acceptable, according to a Gallup poll. American social taboos on many issues — especially issues of personal sexual choice — have been changing over time, but views on infidelity have not budged. It has been consistently frowned upon by the masses, across decades and demographics. Adultery is less popular than cloning humans, polygamy, suicide and teenagers having sex — all of which were also close to the bottom of Gallup’s list.

A potential for explosive impact and collateral damage may keep adultery at the bottom of the list, experts told the Deseret News. Infidelity “seemingly has a larger ripple effect than other things like cloning or abortion. It continues to painfully impact a family as they interact at family events and have to raise children together. It affects the lives of children and the extended family as well,” said Kristin Hodson, therapist and founder of Salt Lake-based The Healing Group, who co-wrote “Real Intimacy: A Couples’ Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality.”

Many people — the adult who as a child saw the fallout from a parent’s affair, the boyfriend or girlfriend who was cheated on, the spouse who feels betrayed — have wounds from infidelity, said Hodson. It is not a distant concept, but something raw: “It’s an issue that hits close to home for many that often is surrounded by a lot of pain,” she said.

Seattle therapist Christopher Franklin said an astonishing number of affairs are fueled by sexual addiction. Because humans are programmed for intimacy, Franklin said its violation creates great trauma. “A lot of people I work with develop post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms as a result of affairs,” he said. “It’s very damaging to people.”