If you had an affair with a married person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been sleeping with married men since i was 18. Im single, so I'm not the one cheating. I am always the one who ends it.

Have you been psychologically evaluated? Do you plan to keep doing this when old and shriveled? Who hurt you that this is what you like doing? Obviously raised in a house with zero morals or compassion/empathy.

+1

I find responses like these to be pretty over the top. So many people on this forum can only see in black and white when it comes to cheating, as in, cheaters and their APs have zero morals and zero empathy. Reality, though, is more complex.

I had a friend in college who lost both her parents by high school. So in a real sense she was an adrift in life for awhile. She had several flings with married men in those years. Before you call her a derogatory name and say she has zero morals, you should also know that she served in the military, rehabilitates injured animals, volunteers at homeless shelters, advocates for the ethical treatment of minors in the system, as a start. She’s a deep and complex person, and a deeply caring friend with a profoundly intellectual mind. She was involved in some flings that very well may have caused some pain. But to say she has no empathy couldn’t be further from the truth.

I know it’s hard to hear that there’s so many shades of gray in these scenarios. It’s easier to think that the woman, or man for that matter, is a moral deprived jerk. But again, life is complex and it would serve us all to remember that none of us are perfect and all of us still add a great deal of value in this world and to the lives of others.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of bitter ex-wives on the board. Their rage and hostility are on full display.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been sleeping with married men since i was 18. Im single, so I'm not the one cheating. I am always the one who ends it.

Have you been psychologically evaluated? Do you plan to keep doing this when old and shriveled? Who hurt you that this is what you like doing? Obviously raised in a house with zero morals or compassion/empathy.

+1

I find responses like these to be pretty over the top. So many people on this forum can only see in black and white when it comes to cheating, as in, cheaters and their APs have zero morals and zero empathy. Reality, though, is more complex.

I had a friend in college who lost both her parents by high school. So in a real sense she was an adrift in life for awhile. She had several flings with married men in those years. Before you call her a derogatory name and say she has zero morals, you should also know that she served in the military, rehabilitates injured animals, volunteers at homeless shelters, advocates for the ethical treatment of minors in the system, as a start. She’s a deep and complex person, and a deeply caring friend with a profoundly intellectual mind. She was involved in some flings that very well may have caused some pain. But to say she has no empathy couldn’t be further from the truth.

I know it’s hard to hear that there’s so many shades of gray in these scenarios. It’s easier to think that the woman, or man for that matter, is a moral deprived jerk. But again, life is complex and it would serve us all to remember that none of us are perfect and all of us still add a great deal of value in this world and to the lives of others.

Wah, waahhh, wah. Many people have gone through lots of trauma and still don’t bang married men. Oh yes “some flings that well have causes some pain”. And it’s even plural for gods sakes.

No a lot of narcissists put out phony blogs about their charitable work and it’s all part of the narc bag…all designed for that external validation. Just like the mom bloggers that act like such loving wives and great mothers that are out banging multiple married men behind their husband’s backs. Real salt if the earth people because, hey, they did a fun run for autism speaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of bitter ex-wives on the board. Their rage and hostility are on full display.

It’s hard to see then through all the whore responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It comes down to a matter of personal integrity. Ultimately it is a question of character. If you are they type to cheat or 'date' married people- you are also the type that lies, betrays, puts their own selfish needs before others, have little empathy and cause harm to people who you "love". The qualities of cheaters and those in affairs don't add up to being a 'good' person. There are always mental issues at play.

Americans place cheating on a spouse dead last on a list of acceptable behaviors, behind abortion, cohabitation, pornography, out-of-wedlock births and divorce, among others. A puny 6 percent say adultery is acceptable, according to a Gallup poll. American social taboos on many issues — especially issues of personal sexual choice — have been changing over time, but views on infidelity have not budged. It has been consistently frowned upon by the masses, across decades and demographics. Adultery is less popular than cloning humans, polygamy, suicide and teenagers having sex — all of which were also close to the bottom of Gallup’s list.

A potential for explosive impact and collateral damage may keep adultery at the bottom of the list, experts told the Deseret News. Infidelity “seemingly has a larger ripple effect than other things like cloning or abortion. It continues to painfully impact a family as they interact at family events and have to raise children together. It affects the lives of children and the extended family as well,” said Kristin Hodson, therapist and founder of Salt Lake-based The Healing Group, who co-wrote “Real Intimacy: A Couples’ Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality.”

Many people — the adult who as a child saw the fallout from a parent’s affair, the boyfriend or girlfriend who was cheated on, the spouse who feels betrayed — have wounds from infidelity, said Hodson. It is not a distant concept, but something raw: “It’s an issue that hits close to home for many that often is surrounded by a lot of pain,” she said.

Seattle therapist Christopher Franklin said an astonishing number of affairs are fueled by sexual addiction. Because humans are programmed for intimacy, Franklin said its violation creates great trauma. “A lot of people I work with develop post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms as a result of affairs,” he said. “It’s very damaging to people.”

Oh come on, don’t ruin these people’s mental gymnastics routine.

[Anonymous]

I had an ex (who cheated on me and was the primary reason I did not marry her. I did at one time love her) reach out to me "as an old friend" to go out to lunch.
She proceeded to tell me that she had a 3 yr old girl and a 7 yr old boy with her husband and no more than 2 or 3 minutes later made it very clear she was looking to restart/ hook up with me.
My 1st thought was "her poor husband!" followed by "what a bullet I dodged!
I got out of there as quick as I could without causing a scene and immediately blocked/ ghosted her. It almost made me physically ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an ex (who cheated on me and was the primary reason I did not marry her. I did at one time love her) reach out to me "as an old friend" to go out to lunch.
She proceeded to tell me that she had a 3 yr old girl and a 7 yr old boy with her husband and no more than 2 or 3 minutes later made it very clear she was looking to restart/ hook up with me.
My 1st thought was "her poor husband!" followed by "what a bullet I dodged!
I got out of there as quick as I could without causing a scene and immediately blocked/ ghosted her. It almost made me physically ill.

Good man. I’m a woman and have been through similar. Completely disgusted by married people that cheat, and especially the ones propositioning me. Skanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been sleeping with married men since i was 18. Im single, so I'm not the one cheating. I am always the one who ends it.

Have you been psychologically evaluated? Do you plan to keep doing this when old and shriveled? Who hurt you that this is what you like doing? Obviously raised in a house with zero morals or compassion/empathy.

+1

I find responses like these to be pretty over the top. So many people on this forum can only see in black and white when it comes to cheating, as in, cheaters and their APs have zero morals and zero empathy. Reality, though, is more complex.

I had a friend in college who lost both her parents by high school. So in a real sense she was an adrift in life for awhile. She had several flings with married men in those years. Before you call her a derogatory name and say she has zero morals, you should also know that she served in the military, rehabilitates injured animals, volunteers at homeless shelters, advocates for the ethical treatment of minors in the system, as a start. She’s a deep and complex person, and a deeply caring friend with a profoundly intellectual mind. She was involved in some flings that very well may have caused some pain. But to say she has no empathy couldn’t be further from the truth.

I know it’s hard to hear that there’s so many shades of gray in these scenarios. It’s easier to think that the woman, or man for that matter, is a moral deprived jerk. But again, life is complex and it would serve us all to remember that none of us are perfect and all of us still add a great deal of value in this world and to the lives of others.

Wah, waahhh, wah. Many people have gone through lots of trauma and still don’t bang married men. Oh yes “some flings that well have causes some pain”. And it’s even plural for gods sakes.

No a lot of narcissists put out phony blogs about their charitable work and it’s all part of the narc bag…all designed for that external validation. Just like the mom bloggers that act like such loving wives and great mothers that are out banging multiple married men behind their husband’s backs. Real salt if the earth people because, hey, they did a fun run for autism speaks.

Huh? She doesn’t blog. She doesn’t do anything charity related. I mean her actual life’s work and paycheck come from child welfare advocacy work. None of this ends up on social media to be clear.

Anyway you just proved my point. I never said her relationship with those men didn’t cause pain. Affairs most certainly cause pain. But you can’t just place every singe person in this box or that based on who they sleep with. In the grand scheme of things this woman has done a whole hell of a lot helping others and making a positive impact on people in need, and having sex with a married man doesn’t erase that, period.

[Anonymous]

All of you who judge cheaters, were not put on this earth to judge others Keep that in the back of your mind when YOU are judged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you who judge cheaters, were not put on this earth to judge others Keep that in the back of your mind when YOU are judged.

Were you just on the "confession" thread here? I'll say what I said on that thread to the "don't you judge" person there:

You must not understand how DCUM works! We're here for the judgment.

[Anonymous]

I cheat because I don’t want to break up my marriage due to the kids. I love my DH, but I am not in love with him and I need intimacy and he refuses to provide that.

I give the married man I am with something that’s missing in his marriage. Neither one of us wants to get a divorce and we both wished that we would have met each other during different circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been sleeping with married men since i was 18. Im single, so I'm not the one cheating. I am always the one who ends it.

Have you been psychologically evaluated? Do you plan to keep doing this when old and shriveled? Who hurt you that this is what you like doing? Obviously raised in a house with zero morals or compassion/empathy.

+1

I find responses like these to be pretty over the top. So many people on this forum can only see in black and white when it comes to cheating, as in, cheaters and their APs have zero morals and zero empathy. Reality, though, is more complex.

I had a friend in college who lost both her parents by high school. So in a real sense she was an adrift in life for awhile. She had several flings with married men in those years. Before you call her a derogatory name and say she has zero morals, you should also know that she served in the military, rehabilitates injured animals, volunteers at homeless shelters, advocates for the ethical treatment of minors in the system, as a start. She’s a deep and complex person, and a deeply caring friend with a profoundly intellectual mind. She was involved in some flings that very well may have caused some pain. But to say she has no empathy couldn’t be further from the truth.

I know it’s hard to hear that there’s so many shades of gray in these scenarios. It’s easier to think that the woman, or man for that matter, is a moral deprived jerk. But again, life is complex and it would serve us all to remember that none of us are perfect and all of us still add a great deal of value in this world and to the lives of others.

Wah, waahhh, wah. Many people have gone through lots of trauma and still don’t bang married men. Oh yes “some flings that well have causes some pain”. And it’s even plural for gods sakes.

No a lot of narcissists put out phony blogs about their charitable work and it’s all part of the narc bag…all designed for that external validation. Just like the mom bloggers that act like such loving wives and great mothers that are out banging multiple married men behind their husband’s backs. Real salt if the earth people because, hey, they did a fun run for autism speaks.

Huh? She doesn’t blog. She doesn’t do anything charity related. I mean her actual life’s work and paycheck come from child welfare advocacy work. None of this ends up on social media to be clear.

Anyway you just proved my point. I never said her relationship with those men didn’t cause pain. Affairs most certainly cause pain. But you can’t just place every singe person in this box or that based on who they sleep with. In the grand scheme of things this woman has done a whole hell of a lot helping others and making a positive impact on people in need, and having sex with a married man doesn’t erase that, period.

What you say in the bold is true.

It is also true that doing "a whole hell of a lot helping others and making a positive impact on people in need" does not erase her terrible judgement and moral failure in having sex with married men. Two things can be true at the same time.

One can compartmentalize and be a very good, decent, moral person in certain areas, and a moral black hole in other areas, and one does not mitigate the other. She can be a child welfare advocate who has genuinely saved children, and also be morally empty behind a closed door with another woman's husband.

I hope she has gotten therapy for whatever it is in her life that made her feel she craved men's attention and sex so much that her morality, so strong elsewhere, switched off when she wanted a man's validation and body. Maybe she felt she was "saving" men who told her tales of awful wives, so her need to help others was perverted into affairs where she imagined she was helping these men. But unless she herself, not you on her behalf, has shown true remorse and regretted having sex with married men-- all the good deeds don't erase that. She can only live her remorse by stopping having sex with married men and getting professional help to find out why she did so in the first place. If she can see the pain and suffering of children and animals, why could she not also empathize with women whose husbands were cheating with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cheat because I don’t want to break up my marriage due to the kids. I love my DH, but I am not in love with him and I need intimacy and he refuses to provide that.

I give the married man I am with something that’s missing in his marriage. Neither one of us wants to get a divorce and we both wished that we would have met each other during different circumstances.

Where is the frequent "open the marriage" poster who usually leaps annoyingly into threads about now, to tell people like PP to have an open marriage instead of cheating? I hate that poster but at least in the case above, an open marriage would be more honest. The DH might be providing that intimacy the PP wants to another woman so the marriage would be effectively open anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of bitter ex-wives on the board. Their rage and hostility are on full display.

It’s hard to see then through all the whore responses.

You really aren’t helping your cause here, Goodie whatever your name is. Puritanism went out a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cheat because I don’t want to break up my marriage due to the kids. I love my DH, but I am not in love with him and I need intimacy and he refuses to provide that.

I give the married man I am with something that’s missing in his marriage. Neither one of us wants to get a divorce and we both wished that we would have met each other during different circumstances.

Most people are like this poster. More people should simply be honest and brave and tell their spouse that they have fallen out of love and should divorce. Poster, you and your man should be proactive, leave your spouses and be together. Life is short. If you've found love and intimacy, seize it.