If you had an affair with a married person

Anonymous
Or the romantic relationship has run its course, and the spouse meets someone that they'd rather be with. It doesn't need to be that complicated.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Did you ever feel bad for the spouse (and/or kids)? How did you reconcile entering someone else’s family like that.

No kids, but AP was married. I didn’t know her so I didn’t have any feelings for her at all.

Did you wish he/she would divorce or die so in your mind you could end up with them?

No. I end up with him - current DH. I never wished any ill will towards her. Now DH left her almost immediately after we met.

I’ve heard some really awful things from OW so just wondering anonymously what let you cross that line?

. Now DH told me they had a terrible marriage and he had been unhappy for a long time. Considering he left her quickly after we met, I had no reason to not believe him.

I got hit in a lot by married co-workers and others and my mind always went to their wife. I never wanted to do that to another woman, even ones I didn’t know. If things got heated, I’d distance and put up a wall. Things just don’t happen….


Anonymous
I did it. I thought about his wife quite a lot over the years, not as a rival but just thinking about it from her perspective/position.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:When I was in high school and college, there were people who would go after people who had girlfriends/boyfriends and people who would not. My guess is that the adults who are willing to do this are the same ones who had no qualms about it when they were younger. Stripes don’t change and all that.


again, it’s the people that were in relationships that should have put the barriers, the other ones are free to go after anyone
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I did it. I thought about his wife quite a lot over the years, not as a rival but just thinking about it from her perspective/position.


And what exactly do you think her perspective /position was?

I’m guessing she didn’t know you existed or that her husband was cheating?
Anonymous
I’ve been sleeping with married men since i was 18. Im single, so I'm not the one cheating. I am always the one who ends it.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I’m married with children. I don’t think anyone is special enough to dull the allure of sleeping with a new person. I’m much older now and in the context of a long term marriage, I don’t think physical infidelity is a colossal deal breaker. Marriage is not primarily about sex for me. In fact, I know my DH has had flings. I didn’t but not out of any deep conviction, just didn’t get around to it. If I did, it would not affect my marriage.


This sounds like you have decided to believe this so that you can stay in your marriage - like you are trying to avoid cognitive dissonance.


NP here. I agree with the earlier poster. I’m also a woman. I also believe that sex has very little to do with marriage and cheating is not a reason to leave a marriage if the person is already happy because divorcing does not solve the problem that the guy cheated it just changes your life dramatically, and if you’re happy with your life before cheating, just the fact of getting a divorce is not going to make you happier— it’s going to make you feel worse. Divorce is not a solution if the only issue was cheating.


+1000. Divorce doesn’t erase the cheating that occurred.

I do believe though that a lot of cheating is by people in unhappy marriages.

I was cheating and once I stopped and no longer had the distraction, it was painfully obvious how terrible of a marriage this is.


Once I was in an affair with a woman in a terrible marriage and her true color came out it made me see just how truly great my wife, family and life was. It was like a knock on the side if the head: wake up dummy! Then, I felt awful. My affair was about me and my distorted issues/phase.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been sleeping with married men since i was 18. Im single, so I'm not the one cheating. I am always the one who ends it.


Have you been psychologically evaluated? Do you plan to keep doing this when old and shriveled? Who hurt you that this is what you like doing? Obviously raised in a house with zero morals or compassion/empathy.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I think single women often don’t grasp the depth of what it means and how it affects people when men do this.


This. When I was in my mid-20s I had a relationship with a married colleague with 3 kids. We travelled M-Th for work and I didn’t think about his wife or family at all except once when I went shopping with him to pick out some expensive earrings for her birthday. I never contacted him on weekends or when we were apart. I didn’t take any time away that he would be spending with them. If he wasn’t with me, he was drinking with colleagues and clients at the hotel where we all “lived”.

When the project ended, he quit and found a job where he was home 7 nights a week. I saw him in passing at a conference 10 years later and he’s still married. I doubt I was the first or last affair he had. And no, I didn’t want anything bad to happen to his wife. I didn’t want 3 kids and a suburban life.

I travelled full time for a “work hard/play hard” consulting company with generous expense accounts for 10+ years. I’ve been at many a hotel bar at last call. Women talk. A lot of traveling consultants meet their spouse at work and a lot of single people in their 20s hook up, but the vast majority of married men don’t cheat.

I’m married now and the thought of breaking my husband’s heart and having him feel betrayed and disappointed in me is enough to stop me even thinking about cheating. But that’s about me making the decision that no one could be worth throwing away the life I have now.

Adults that cheat are capable of making their own decisions and taking responsibility. It’s not the OW’s job to have a conscience for the cheater.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I did it. I thought about his wife quite a lot over the years, not as a rival but just thinking about it from her perspective/position.


And what exactly do you think her perspective /position was?

I’m guessing she didn’t know you existed or that her husband was cheating?


She did know. I don’t know exactly what her thoughts were of course. I only know that she knew and stayed.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been sleeping with married men since i was 18. Im single, so I'm not the one cheating. I am always the one who ends it.


Why? Are your parents divorced?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I’m married with children. I don’t think anyone is special enough to dull the allure of sleeping with a new person. I’m much older now and in the context of a long term marriage, I don’t think physical infidelity is a colossal deal breaker. Marriage is not primarily about sex for me. In fact, I know my DH has had flings. I didn’t but not out of any deep conviction, just didn’t get around to it. If I did, it would not affect my marriage.


This sounds like you have decided to believe this so that you can stay in your marriage - like you are trying to avoid cognitive dissonance.


NP here. I agree with the earlier poster. I’m also a woman. I also believe that sex has very little to do with marriage and cheating is not a reason to leave a marriage if the person is already happy because divorcing does not solve the problem that the guy cheated it just changes your life dramatically, and if you’re happy with your life before cheating, just the fact of getting a divorce is not going to make you happier— it’s going to make you feel worse. Divorce is not a solution if the only issue was cheating.


+1000. Divorce doesn’t erase the cheating that occurred.

I do believe though that a lot of cheating is by people in unhappy marriages.

I was cheating and once I stopped and no longer had the distraction, it was painfully obvious how terrible of a marriage this is.


Once I was in an affair with a woman in a terrible marriage and her true color came out it made me see just how truly great my wife, family and life was. It was like a knock on the side if the head: wake up dummy! Then, I felt awful. My affair was about me and my distorted issues/phase.


What pray tell was her true color that was not initially evident to you?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I did it. I thought about his wife quite a lot over the years, not as a rival but just thinking about it from her perspective/position.


And what exactly do you think her perspective /position was?

I’m guessing she didn’t know you existed or that her husband was cheating?


She did know. I don’t know exactly what her thoughts were of course. I only know that she knew and stayed.


She knew during the affair? Are you sure about this? Cheaters lie
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I’m married with children. I don’t think anyone is special enough to dull the allure of sleeping with a new person. I’m much older now and in the context of a long term marriage, I don’t think physical infidelity is a colossal deal breaker. Marriage is not primarily about sex for me. In fact, I know my DH has had flings. I didn’t but not out of any deep conviction, just didn’t get around to it. If I did, it would not affect my marriage.


This sounds like you have decided to believe this so that you can stay in your marriage - like you are trying to avoid cognitive dissonance.


NP here. I agree with the earlier poster. I’m also a woman. I also believe that sex has very little to do with marriage and cheating is not a reason to leave a marriage if the person is already happy because divorcing does not solve the problem that the guy cheated it just changes your life dramatically, and if you’re happy with your life before cheating, just the fact of getting a divorce is not going to make you happier— it’s going to make you feel worse. Divorce is not a solution if the only issue was cheating.


+1000. Divorce doesn’t erase the cheating that occurred.

I do believe though that a lot of cheating is by people in unhappy marriages.

I was cheating and once I stopped and no longer had the distraction, it was painfully obvious how terrible of a marriage this is.


Once I was in an affair with a woman in a terrible marriage and her true color came out it made me see just how truly great my wife, family and life was. It was like a knock on the side if the head: wake up dummy! Then, I felt awful. My affair was about me and my distorted issues/phase.


What pray tell was her true color that was not initially evident to you?


Nasty. Majorly passive aggressive in a very nasty way. I really felt sorry for her husband, dealing with that and the fact she had affairs behind his back for years.

It wasn’t until the affair glow wore off that her real personality was shown.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been sleeping with married men since i was 18. Im single, so I'm not the one cheating. I am always the one who ends it.


Have you been psychologically evaluated? Do you plan to keep doing this when old and shriveled? Who hurt you that this is what you like doing? Obviously raised in a house with zero morals or compassion/empathy.


+1
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