How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have some very black-and-white thinking.
You should not assume information that is being shared will not be shared unless you explicitly what to do or not do.
There people who I trust who I know don’t share things but there are times I will tell my own damn mama OK don’t say anything to anyone.
that wasn’t your husband being an over sharer.
You don’t have to micromanage everything your husband says but if things are important for you to keep private then you must explicitly tell him those things.
And your long ass responses, you sound like you have high anxiety.

To summarize: Its fine for DH to tell his mom, forget he's told his mom when we're talking about NOT telling our kids, NOT think about the possibility of his mom telling our kids. Its also fine for MIL to ask me about my mom's cancer in front of our young kids creating a really tough and unnecessary situation for me.

You are using this situation to take your mind off the cancer. Stop focusing on this and help your mom. None of this obsessing is helping anything.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any friends, OP?

[Anonymous]

I would hate it if someone I trusted serious private medical information with was sharing this with others without my consent.

OP, has your mother given the indication she wants this to remain private and your husband ignored this or is she fine with you and DH sharing the news with others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your follow up is a little troubling in that you seem to think you have no responsibility in what happened, that your default to lying was totally rational instead of a mistake, that MIL did something wrong by saying something in front of your kids (when she had no reason not to think the kids knew) and that your mother wasn’t capable of telling your husband herself that she wanted the information kept confidential. I think there’s a lot to unpack here but I do think some self reflection about your own role in this is in order and that your feelings towards your husband are unfair and misplaced.

I do take responsibility for lying to my kids. I'm frustrated that DH did something (told his mom) which resulted in me being in a bad situation where I made a bad choice. My choices were either do a bad job of telling my kids because I'm not prepared (meaning I haven't thought through how to phrase this) and they end up worried about grandma, or I lie to them. Frankly, the choice I made came down to which one hurts them less in the short term. I should have just told them then and there. I feared failing them in that moment and instead failed them even more. I realize that. I take responsibility for that. I'm still mad at DP for starting the chain of events that led to that situation. But yes I made the wrong choice in that situation.

The more I have thought about it, how was it a good idea for MIL to bring this up at all on Mother's Day? She doesn't know how serious the cancer is or isn't. So, dear DIL and grandkids, lets talk about how your mom/grandma may or may not be dying. That's a great Mother's Day topic. A better approach would have been to ask how my mom is doing and let me bring up cancer if I wanted.

I don't see how I'm responsible for telling DH what he should and shouldn't tell his mom. It seems to keep being assumed that I told DH my mom has cancer. My mom told all her kids and their partners via text. It would have been weird for me to think "mom has cancer, better tell dh NOT to tell his mom." When we did talk about not telling the kids yet that would have been a great time for him to tell me he'd told his mom. It seems reasonable for me to expect him to think through what could happen when he tells his mom. Given that our moms know a lot of the same people, would his mom bring this up to other people? Would his mom tell our kids? Hell, would his mom bring this up to me and how would I feel about that given that I don't know he's told his mom?

I guess this is the one thread in this forum where the vast, vast majority of families are harmonious, supportive, and close and share everything with everyone all the time. Welcome to Lake Wobegan (and I say that with good humor, not snark)!

Your histrionic personality must be a huge burden for you to carry and exhausting for you, your husband and your children. Please, for your own and your children's’ sakes, seek some mental health. Your spinning, your twisting yourself like a pretzel into knots over everything isn’t healthy and doesn’t mirror what healthy mindset is for your children. Do you want your children to have this much anxiety and histrionics and inability to communicate when they’re adults? Because you’re giving them a front row seat how it’s done. Free yourself, it’s never too late.

I’m 100% serious. It must be miserable to live this way.

Oh, stick your idiocy and your faux solicitousness in your ear.

(not OP)

PP is on. Totally histrionic, overly dramatic about every. single. thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems pretty straightforward to me. OP’s DH shared the bad, frightening cancer news with his mom as almost anyone who grew up in a loving or semi-loving, functional family would, for the all the normal, healthy reasons one does in that scenario. This enables his mom to better support her child, DIL, grandkids, and OP’s mom. OP wanted to control this information because she was not raised in a functional household and doesn’t seem to understand how “the village” works. Information can often be viewed as a weapon in that sort of childhood. From the follow up posts, it seems likely that OP, while decrying the behavior of her abusive dad, is trying to import dysfunctional ways of dealing with things into her own marriage in a pretty controlling way. Trying to use HIPAA as a parallel and justification was really something else.

OP, I hope you get some real therapy and don’t rely on DCUM therapy. You are attacking the well-intentioned people in your family for no good reason and doing so at a time when you and your mom could use their support.

Well, one thing I eventually learned from my dysfunctional family is that claiming to have good intentions does NOT excuse hurtful outcomes and that one has responsibility for the impact of one's actions regardless of how well intended they are.

I don’t disagree with this, if you are talking about someone who is claiming to have good intentions only to justify their poor behavior. But I’ve read this thread pretty closely and have not seen any indication that your DH behaved in an objectively negative or hurtful way at all, and the fact that you have ended up angry and hurt doesn’t change that at all. You are clearly taking the time to read and respond to the posts on here. I hope that means that you may actually be listening to some of us who think you are overreacting quite strongly to the actions of your DH.

I feel for you, OP, both because it’s really tough to deal with a parent’s serious diagnosis, and because you don’t seem to have the best coping tools. But I really feel for your DH too, who I’m sure feels unjustly attacked, and rightfully so. Maybe it would help to just stop worrying about who is right or wrong here and try to focus on the positives about your DH and your family life until you’ve processed the situation with your mom’s diagnosis and treatment plan.

[Anonymous]

OP, I also grew up in a secretive dysfunctional family, so I get where you're coming from. The thing is, it makes total sense to you because of the lifetime of back story. I'm going to share my story with you. At least 98% of people here will think I'm crazy and they're not necessarily wrong, but it's hard to break those lifetime patterns. If you also agree that I'm in the wrong, then you might better understand why all of these posters are responding the way they are.

My husband and I are divorcing and no longer live in the same state. I told my siblings and kids over a year ago, but I have not told my parents. Maybe I'll never tell them. For the foreseeable future, I've told my kids and siblings not to tell my parents.

[Anonymous]

You're in the wrong here. If your mom wanted to keep it a secret, she needs to be clear about that and you should have been clear with your DH about that. Your kids - it depends on how old they are.

[Anonymous]

The DH has no discretion.
Now that OP knows that, she should keep this in mind going forward for any other events that might come her way.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, best to tell MIL that OP's mother did not intend to share this news with anyone but kin so she should try to practice discretion even though her son can't.

All of the responders weighing in their own life experiences and family dynamics with cancer diagnoses, that's fine for your family. But in this case, the OP specifically asked and expected DH to respect privacy around this topic in her family. He failed that and showed he's a blabbermouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems pretty straightforward to me. OP’s DH shared the bad, frightening cancer news with his mom as almost anyone who grew up in a loving or semi-loving, functional family would, for the all the normal, healthy reasons one does in that scenario. This enables his mom to better support her child, DIL, grandkids, and OP’s mom. OP wanted to control this information because she was not raised in a functional household and doesn’t seem to understand how “the village” works. Information can often be viewed as a weapon in that sort of childhood. From the follow up posts, it seems likely that OP, while decrying the behavior of her abusive dad, is trying to import dysfunctional ways of dealing with things into her own marriage in a pretty controlling way. Trying to use HIPAA as a parallel and justification was really something else.

OP, I hope you get some real therapy and don’t rely on DCUM therapy. You are attacking the well-intentioned people in your family for no good reason and doing so at a time when you and your mom could use their support.

Ding ding ding!!!!

Op, you need therapy to end this cycle. Your husband is normal, your mother in law is normal. You are not normal. Please break this cycle for your kids sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also grew up in a secretive dysfunctional family, so I get where you're coming from. The thing is, it makes total sense to you because of the lifetime of back story. I'm going to share my story with you. At least 98% of people here will think I'm crazy and they're not necessarily wrong, but it's hard to break those lifetime patterns. If you also agree that I'm in the wrong, then you might better understand why all of these posters are responding the way they are.

My husband and I are divorcing and no longer live in the same state. I told my siblings and kids over a year ago, but I have not told my parents. Maybe I'll never tell them. For the foreseeable future, I've told my kids and siblings not to tell my parents.

I don't think you're crazy. One of my siblings got divorced and the experience basically confirmed everything I could imagine would happen WRT my family dynamics. IMO, if someone wants to know about MY relationship with MY partner, they should talk to ME. Not my siblings, and certainly not my kids. I think asking your kids not to share with your parents depends on a few factors, like the age of your kids and their relationship with your parents. Obviously a 5 year old who sleeps over at grandma's every other weekend couldn't keep that kind of confidence and, more importantly, would likely be upset about the divorce and seek comfort from their grandma. OTHO, a 35 year old adult who has little to no contact with their grandparent really has no business talking about your relationship with your husband even if your husband is also their father (you didn't specify so that may not even be the case).

I probably should have started with I'm sorry you and your husband are divorcing. I am sorry. Any road leading to that is difficult. Sending lots of hugs your way.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Question for you op. Did you tell your DH that he is not to tell his mom? It is one thing not telling young kids, though why you are not is beyond me, but telling him to plain lie to his mom?
Many normal people inquire about ILS, MILS, etc.. it is a polite thing to do, conversational thing to do. So, he is supposed to just lie to his mom about your mom?
I would not be ok with that. It is one thing if nobody asks me, but if I was directly asked how it Jane doing, I would not at all like to lie and do so willingly.
It perpetuates the cycle of lying and I hate lying. In my view, you asked your DH to lie, and that is immoral.

[Anonymous]

My mom was like you, OP. She's very secretive about sharing major health news, even with close, loving family members, like her own siblings. When my dad's cancer came back, she told me not to tell anyone. Ok, but when relatives who knew of his previous battle with cancer ask me about him, what was I to do? So I told her, I wouldn't bring it up with people, but don't ask me to lie either.

When she got cancer years later, I was the sole caregiver, and I needed support, both emotionally or physically. Again she was being all secretive about it, didn't want me to tell a soul. I had to push back on it a bit, because I could not carry the burden all by myself (logistically I had to arrange my life completely differently to care for her). She'd relent after that, but man it was like pulling teeth each time, and added extra stress. She'd been controlling her whole life and this was just one more area of control for her.

Think of what you're asking your H. And the root reason why your default is secrecy. If you're this worked up over this sharing issue, I'd imagine he's getting stressed out too, and needed someone in his corner for emotional support. That's why it's natural for him to share with his own mother. Your coping strategy is to burrow down and clam up, his coping strategy is different. Neither of you are wrong but you need to stop this crusade to convince everyone, including the internet, that only your way of handling things is the right way.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I read to page 6. Has OP said how her kids reacted? Like, did they bring it up later? It seems like with their ages, it might have just been a weird adult moment that went over their heads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see a problem in DH telling his mom only because our moms live so close to each other and know several of the same people. Isn't it common courtesy to let people share their health status with those around them if they wish? If our moms lived in different cities, NBD.

My mom passed away from Pancreatic Cancer -- which is one of THE deadliest forms of cancer.

At first my mom thought she wanted to keep this private too, but once the cat was out of the proverbial bag, she was amazed to see how much love & support she received from her entire town. Neighbors set up meals, so my dad wouldn't have to think about it, friends came to clean the house, my dad's friends, some who he hadn't talked to in 10 years, made such an effort to take him out at least once a week to go bowling or play cards, whatever it was to get his mind off my mom's illness for one night.

In fact, a person that lived within our town that we didn't know, is a highly regarded oncologist that we would have NEVER been able to get an appointment with if he hadn't reached out to us -- which he would never have done if it was still kept a secret.
He gave us 14 more months than anyone predicted she'd have, and we were SO grateful for that time.

What I'm saying is, secrets are sicknesses... no matter what it's about.

The absolute LAST thing you should be worried about during this time is who knows what & how do we keep this a secret? That's so much more pressure, stress & anxiety than you need to deal with during this time.
In the grand scheme of things, you ALL need love, help & support... keeping a secret won't allow anyone to do that for you.

As I said, initially my mom wanted to keep it a secret because she's a VERY private person -- but I cannot even begin to tell you how her attitude did a complete 180 after she started receiving such selfless, unconditional & incredible love & support from everyone.
She actually said she regrets living her life so private & closed off, because she had no idea how wonderful feeling this way was... and she felt out during the most important time in her life & when she needed it most -- and I'm so thankful she did.

My kids were 4,8 & 10 when she was diagnosed and we told them right from jump.
You don't NEED to have all of the answers when telling them, just stay positive & tell them what a fighter grandma is and as a family we're all gonna help her fight!
They understood and colored jet pictures every day, brought her freshly cut flowers to put by her bedside each day, she taught them the things she's wishes she could've taught them later... and they totally understood when she didn't have the energy to go on.
Kids are smart & they're very, very perceptive... they already know, trust me.

Cancer sucks really, really badly, the kat thing anyone needs is to feel embarrassed or ashamed for having cancer, and thats the feeling that usually comes with having to *hide * it

[Anonymous]

* ugh, sorry for all of the typos.

* and she felt *IT* during the most important time in her life...

* colored *HER* pictures every day...

* the *LAST* thing anyone should have to worry about while they're in the midst of THE fight of their life, is to feel embarrassed or ashamed for having cancer (and thats the feeling that usually comes with having to *hide * it).