How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue

[Anonymous]

I am definitely frustrated. I apologize for the snark. I have not meant to be aggressive. I am certainly surprised by the number of responses that seem to be comfortable with somebody sharing another persons health information with other people. I can’t help but wonder if this would be different with slight changes to the circumstances. For example if my sister were pregnant and DH told his sister (who has friends in common with my sister). How many threads are there complaining about somebody sharing pregnancy news that is not their own? In those scenarios the majority has seemed to understand that health information (pregnancy) is for the expectant parents to share, not the excited family members, friends, or anybody else who happens to know. It seems to me the only differences between those threads and this one is the age and the health condition. The fact that health information is being shared by someone other than a person with the health condition remains the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

Thank you PP. It sounds like your MIL and parents have a wonderful relationship. My mom and MIL are cordial but not particularly close. They run into each other occasionally and have friends in common, but that's it. Also, we're still getting the diagnosis worked out so this is all very new and I feel there is a difference between sharing a new diagnosis and asking for an update on something that is broadly known.

You asked if my mother cares whether other people know. Neither DH not I have specifically asked if her diagnosis is something we can share with others in her community. DH seems to assume anything he is told is fair to share with anyone else. I tend to assume that personal information is personal, unless explicitly told it is ok to share. I find it surprising that so many here side with DH. Obviously the laws protecting personally identifiable health information apply to medical providers and not family members, but isnt' the principle for those laws based on the recognition that health information is personal and that the person to whom it pertains should decide with whom it is shared?

I definitely have a broader DH frustration here. He wonders why we aren't closer, why I don't feel I can tell me anything on my mind Because I never know what he'll find ok to repeat and even if I tell him something is private he'll make a mistake and forget. It didn't occur to me to tell DH to NOT tell his mom. It's not my health information. I didn't tell him, my mom did.

When we had our first child our health provider gave us the option to both view our child's medical record AND to give each other access to our respective medical health records. We didn't talk about it a ton but both were like "um, that's not really necessary, we can keep our individual health records separate." It hasn't been an issue, but boy am I glad we made that decision! Who knows what he'd find that he'd feel is appropriate to share with his mom or anyone else who asked how I'm doing. "Jenny's BMI is down slightly, but not as much as her doctor had hoped so she's starting new exercise program we're hoping will help with her chronic joint pain." I find it absurd that I'd have to either NOT tell my husband that, OR if I do tell him, explicitly state that this is private information he should NOT share (and then hope he doesn't forget).

I probably sound really snarky here, and I apologize for that. I do sincerely appreciate your response (and all of the others, I know I haven't responded to them all). So interesting to see such different concepts of privacy.

PP here. Based on your follow-up OP I think you and DH just have issues with communication that have spilled over into the topic of your mother's cancer. Because if it's not that topic, it's your health records, or something else. I am not judging you, or telling you DH is right and you are wrong. But it seems clear the two of you view basic communication, intimacy and privacy very differently and add that to the stress of your mother's very stressful medical situation I think could be a ticking time bomb.

I don't want that to happen to you. I would sincerely consider getting some marital coaching/counseling to find some common ground on how the two of you can each communicate with the other better and both feel validated. Because this core issue won't go away once your mother finishes treatment, it will just fester and grow on the next topic, and the next and the next. I want you to have a happy life. Please think about it. You and DH are probably (should be) on the same team.

[Anonymous]

Well to the poster that thinks you don’t talk about kid’s cancer, I had a kid with brain cancer and did share it pretty regularly. I would definitely have shared it with any family member that asked — even if it was very extended. When your kid has cancer, it seems pretty weird to talk about their latest art project. You are entirely focused on their cancer.

I do think OP should really revisit her ideas about what should be secret. My guess is that this toxicity between her parents may play into this. If you have years of “don’t tell dad about mom”, it can really feed a cycle of secrecy. That doesn’t mean that OP can’t tell her DH to keep his mouth shut about some stuff. But I do think you should think long and hard about passing on this secrecy legacy to your kids. I would 100% tell my kids grandma has cancer. And I would 100% not fall into this BS of telling my kids they cannot mention grandma stuff to grandpa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am definitely frustrated. I apologize for the snark. I have not meant to be aggressive. I am certainly surprised by the number of responses that seem to be comfortable with somebody sharing another persons health information with other people. I can’t help but wonder if this would be different with slight changes to the circumstances. For example if my sister were pregnant and DH told his sister (who has friends in common with my sister). How many threads are there complaining about somebody sharing pregnancy news that is not their own? In those scenarios the majority has seemed to understand that health information (pregnancy) is for the expectant parents to share, not the excited family members, friends, or anybody else who happens to know. It seems to me the only differences between those threads and this one is the age and the health condition. The fact that health information is being shared by someone other than a person with the health condition remains the same.

Same poster whose kid had cancer. Your analogy really has me thinking more on this. I think the reason I would not share pregnancy info isn’t because it is “health information.” I would not share it because it is a major life event that I generally know people prefer to share themselves. I think pregnancy is more analagous with divorce. I likely would not share divorce info, because it is a major life event that the person involved would prefer to share themselves. You seem to have a really particular focus on health information. If your mom broke her arm, would that be a secret? I mean that with no snark. I just can see your hsuband struggling with what health info is sensitive versus not sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are nuts. It's totally normal to tell people when you have cancer or when your parents have cancer. Are you living in 1953? That's when my mom was 3 and her mom was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 years later and NOBODY TOLD HER WHAT WAS GOING ON.

Tell your kids. "Grandma has cancer - the doctors are dissecting a piece of the cancer to figure out which medicine will work best to shrink it or make it go away."

Apologize to your husband and MIL for being temporarily crazy.

It's not "nuts" to protect someone's medical privacy. It's not anyone else's business if OP's mother has cancer and certainly not her SIL's business to tell ANYONE.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s strange that you think your DH is expected to keep secret from his own mom that your mom has cancer. Your focus on private health information is not normal in my experience. Cancer isn’t usually a secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s strange that you think your DH is expected to keep secret from his own mom that your mom has cancer. Your focus on private health information is not normal in my experience. Cancer isn’t usually a secret.

I think it is much more common than you realize, especially among older people, not to talk about cancer. My mother has cancer and while
Her close friends and family know, we certainly don’t discuss it with my in-laws.

In particular, most cancer patients wait until they have at least some prognosis or way ahead in treatment before sharing. Otherwise the questions are “oh what stage? Are you starting chemo?” Which are painful and cannot be answered and (depending on the kind of cancer) reflect an often frightening uncertainty for the patient.

But OP you should tell your children, either immediately or if a treatment plan is really imminent, tell them then. Do not let this be a horrible surprise.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your mother doesn't want her cancer discussed, why is there some huge group text with all her children AND their spouses? I can see a text chain with the mother and adult children, but also the spouses seems over the top. So your DH is on this large group text. All these people are discussing your mother, with her consent. So why can he not share this with his own mother?

Your mental rigidity over your husband and medical information is not normal nor is it healthy. You yourself even admitted in follow up posts that you don't even know whether your mother would be upset if your MIL knew. So why are you making this such a huge deal with resentment towards your life partner, your husband. Please seek help.

Not saying anything about your mother's cancer outside the group text won't mean your mother doesn't have cancer and won't make her cancer go away. It's like the song "we don't talk about Bruno". Why???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

Thank you PP. It sounds like your MIL and parents have a wonderful relationship. My mom and MIL are cordial but not particularly close. They run into each other occasionally and have friends in common, but that's it. Also, we're still getting the diagnosis worked out so this is all very new and I feel there is a difference between sharing a new diagnosis and asking for an update on something that is broadly known.

You asked if my mother cares whether other people know. Neither DH not I have specifically asked if her diagnosis is something we can share with others in her community. DH seems to assume anything he is told is fair to share with anyone else. I tend to assume that personal information is personal, unless explicitly told it is ok to share. I find it surprising that so many here side with DH. Obviously the laws protecting personally identifiable health information apply to medical providers and not family members, but isnt' the principle for those laws based on the recognition that health information is personal and that the person to whom it pertains should decide with whom it is shared?

I definitely have a broader DH frustration here. He wonders why we aren't closer, why I don't feel I can tell me anything on my mind Because I never know what he'll find ok to repeat and even if I tell him something is private he'll make a mistake and forget. It didn't occur to me to tell DH to NOT tell his mom. It's not my health information. I didn't tell him, my mom did.

When we had our first child our health provider gave us the option to both view our child's medical record AND to give each other access to our respective medical health records. We didn't talk about it a ton but both were like "um, that's not really necessary, we can keep our individual health records separate." It hasn't been an issue, but boy am I glad we made that decision! Who knows what he'd find that he'd feel is appropriate to share with his mom or anyone else who asked how I'm doing. "Jenny's BMI is down slightly, but not as much as her doctor had hoped so she's starting new exercise program we're hoping will help with her chronic joint pain." I find it absurd that I'd have to either NOT tell my husband that, OR if I do tell him, explicitly state that this is private information he should NOT share (and then hope he doesn't forget).

I probably sound really snarky here, and I apologize for that. I do sincerely appreciate your response (and all of the others, I know I haven't responded to them all). So interesting to see such different concepts of privacy.

Good lord. He didn't post it on the neighborhood listserve, he told his mother.

Based on your level of concern and histrionics, one would think that he, and his mother had been broadcasting this on the local radio station. But, it appears that none of this has happened. His mother didn't tell your kids, He hasn't mentioned it to anyone else, and neither has she. All of the problems here are entirely of your own making, either through your imagination or because your lied to your MIL. All that needs to be done is to call her, apologize for the misunderstanding, confirm that your mother does have cancer, tell her it isn't for public consumption, and that you haven't told your kids yet. Done.

Also, I may have missed it, but how old are your kids? I understanding shielding little kids, but this may be a huge mistake with older ones.

Finally, you say you have communications problems with your husband - I don't doubt it. Consider that your first instinct, when confronted with something unexpected, was to lie. Your husband appears to be much more open than you are, and it's entirely possible that you are the primary cause of any communications problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

Thank you PP. It sounds like your MIL and parents have a wonderful relationship. My mom and MIL are cordial but not particularly close. They run into each other occasionally and have friends in common, but that's it. Also, we're still getting the diagnosis worked out so this is all very new and I feel there is a difference between sharing a new diagnosis and asking for an update on something that is broadly known.

You asked if my mother cares whether other people know. Neither DH not I have specifically asked if her diagnosis is something we can share with others in her community. DH seems to assume anything he is told is fair to share with anyone else. I tend to assume that personal information is personal, unless explicitly told it is ok to share. I find it surprising that so many here side with DH. Obviously the laws protecting personally identifiable health information apply to medical providers and not family members, but isnt' the principle for those laws based on the recognition that health information is personal and that the person to whom it pertains should decide with whom it is shared?

I definitely have a broader DH frustration here. He wonders why we aren't closer, why I don't feel I can tell me anything on my mind Because I never know what he'll find ok to repeat and even if I tell him something is private he'll make a mistake and forget. It didn't occur to me to tell DH to NOT tell his mom. It's not my health information. I didn't tell him, my mom did.

When we had our first child our health provider gave us the option to both view our child's medical record AND to give each other access to our respective medical health records. We didn't talk about it a ton but both were like "um, that's not really necessary, we can keep our individual health records separate." It hasn't been an issue, but boy am I glad we made that decision! Who knows what he'd find that he'd feel is appropriate to share with his mom or anyone else who asked how I'm doing. "Jenny's BMI is down slightly, but not as much as her doctor had hoped so she's starting new exercise program we're hoping will help with her chronic joint pain." I find it absurd that I'd have to either NOT tell my husband that, OR if I do tell him, explicitly state that this is private information he should NOT share (and then hope he doesn't forget).

I probably sound really snarky here, and I apologize for that. I do sincerely appreciate your response (and all of the others, I know I haven't responded to them all). So interesting to see such different concepts of privacy.

Good lord. He didn't post it on the neighborhood listserve, he told his mother.

Based on your level of concern and histrionics, one would think that he, and his mother had been broadcasting this on the local radio station. But, it appears that none of this has happened. His mother didn't tell your kids, He hasn't mentioned it to anyone else, and neither has she. All of the problems here are entirely of your own making, either through your imagination or because your lied to your MIL. All that needs to be done is to call her, apologize for the misunderstanding, confirm that your mother does have cancer, tell her it isn't for public consumption, and that you haven't told your kids yet. Done.

Also, I may have missed it, but how old are your kids? I understanding shielding little kids, but this may be a huge mistake with older ones.

Finally, you say you have communications problems with your husband - I don't doubt it. Consider that your first instinct, when confronted with something unexpected, was to lie. Your husband appears to be much more open than you are, and it's entirely possible that you are the primary cause of any communications problems.

I would have said it more kindly, but this is my take on your situation as well. I also can’t imagine not sharing my mom’s cancer diagnosis with my in-laws, unless you have no relationship with them or they are terrible people. I’m not particularly close to my MIL but she and FIL were a great support do me and our family after my mom’s diagnosis and remaining months. In hard situations like this, it’s good to have extended family in your corner.

Best of luck to your mom, and I hope you are able to get in a better place with your DH.

[Anonymous]

I think you owe your husband an apology for not being clear about your requests regarding the sharing of information among directly family members in this circumstance. I don’t think your DH acted any differently than the vast majority of people would. Like PP said, I would tell your MIL the truth and explain why you acted the way you did. Ditto PP that discussed the differences around a life event versus health situation when circulating information among very direct family members - I don’t see the analogy with divorce or pregnancy and an illness here. You are entitled to request the information be kept quiet, but it’s on you to be explicit with your husband in that circumstance - he can’t read your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

Thank you PP. It sounds like your MIL and parents have a wonderful relationship. My mom and MIL are cordial but not particularly close. They run into each other occasionally and have friends in common, but that's it. Also, we're still getting the diagnosis worked out so this is all very new and I feel there is a difference between sharing a new diagnosis and asking for an update on something that is broadly known.

You asked if my mother cares whether other people know. Neither DH not I have specifically asked if her diagnosis is something we can share with others in her community. DH seems to assume anything he is told is fair to share with anyone else. I tend to assume that personal information is personal, unless explicitly told it is ok to share. I find it surprising that so many here side with DH. Obviously the laws protecting personally identifiable health information apply to medical providers and not family members, but isnt' the principle for those laws based on the recognition that health information is personal and that the person to whom it pertains should decide with whom it is shared?

I definitely have a broader DH frustration here. He wonders why we aren't closer, why I don't feel I can tell me anything on my mind Because I never know what he'll find ok to repeat and even if I tell him something is private he'll make a mistake and forget. It didn't occur to me to tell DH to NOT tell his mom. It's not my health information. I didn't tell him, my mom did.

When we had our first child our health provider gave us the option to both view our child's medical record AND to give each other access to our respective medical health records. We didn't talk about it a ton but both were like "um, that's not really necessary, we can keep our individual health records separate." It hasn't been an issue, but boy am I glad we made that decision! Who knows what he'd find that he'd feel is appropriate to share with his mom or anyone else who asked how I'm doing. "Jenny's BMI is down slightly, but not as much as her doctor had hoped so she's starting new exercise program we're hoping will help with her chronic joint pain." I find it absurd that I'd have to either NOT tell my husband that, OR if I do tell him, explicitly state that this is private information he should NOT share (and then hope he doesn't forget).

I probably sound really snarky here, and I apologize for that. I do sincerely appreciate your response (and all of the others, I know I haven't responded to them all). So interesting to see such different concepts of privacy.

Good lord. He didn't post it on the neighborhood listserve, he told his mother.

Based on your level of concern and histrionics, one would think that he, and his mother had been broadcasting this on the local radio station. But, it appears that none of this has happened. His mother didn't tell your kids, He hasn't mentioned it to anyone else, and neither has she. All of the problems here are entirely of your own making, either through your imagination or because your lied to your MIL. All that needs to be done is to call her, apologize for the misunderstanding, confirm that your mother does have cancer, tell her it isn't for public consumption, and that you haven't told your kids yet. Done.

Also, I may have missed it, but how old are your kids? I understanding shielding little kids, but this may be a huge mistake with older ones.

Finally, you say you have communications problems with your husband - I don't doubt it. Consider that your first instinct, when confronted with something unexpected, was to lie. Your husband appears to be much more open than you are, and it's entirely possible that you are the primary cause of any communications problems.

OP, I know this reads as harsh and I don’t mean to pile on but this bolded is something to look back upon when you are evaluating the communication between your family and your husband. Of course you were flustered and emotional, I totally get that and I feel for you! But your default was to clam up and not be honest. Is this something you have done before? Do you shut down communication often and if so, why? I think it’s a fair point and worthy of self reflection.

[Anonymous]

It’s super weird to be this close-mouthed so as to expect DH not to tell his own mother about cancer (or, frankly, sister about your sister’s pregnancy, TBH). I can write off the pregnancy weirdness to hormones, but I don’t understand why you are engaging in such subterfuge. Life is so much easier if you are just open, honest, and nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well to the poster that thinks you don’t talk about kid’s cancer, I had a kid with brain cancer and did share it pretty regularly. I would definitely have shared it with any family member that asked — even if it was very extended. When your kid has cancer, it seems pretty weird to talk about their latest art project. You are entirely focused on their cancer.

I do think OP should really revisit her ideas about what should be secret. My guess is that this toxicity between her parents may play into this. If you have years of “don’t tell dad about mom”, it can really feed a cycle of secrecy. That doesn’t mean that OP can’t tell her DH to keep his mouth shut about some stuff. But I do think you should think long and hard about passing on this secrecy legacy to your kids. I would 100% tell my kids grandma has cancer. And I would 100% not fall into this BS of telling my kids they cannot mention grandma stuff to grandpa.

This x1000. Op, I think the dynamics in your family growing up has given you a distorted sense of what’s “normal” to most people. Clearly your dh grew up differently, and I’d argue his thoughts on this are far more typical than yours are. Not sure if you’d be open to this, but at some point I think this could be worth exploring in therapy. Marital counseling could be beneficial as well, because it’s easy to see how it’s impacting your communication with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

NP, here. Because it's disingenuous. Because it's her mother, his MIL. Because it's a close family member, and OP is clearly going through some stuff. I think it's weird to have a superficial conversation under these circumstances.