How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue

[Anonymous]

On mother's day my family (DH, me, and kids in early ES and younger) were FaceTiming with my MIL and she asked how my mom is doing with cancer.

Issue 1) DH shared personal health information about my mom with his mom and sees zero problems with this. We don't live near our parents but our moms live less than 2 miles from each other and have several acquaintances in common. DH's response when I asked him why he thought this was appropriate was "well its so widely discussed on all of these texts, I didn't see what the big deal was." The texts are with my moms siblings (not even the partners of her siblings) and my mom's children and their partners. So yes there are a lot of texts but its a very private group. Also, "my mom asked how your mom was doing, so I told her she has cancer. That's how she's doing." As if the mere fact of his mom asking a question entitles her to personal information about another person.

Issue 2) DH and I had agreed we weren't going to tell the kids until we had something more concrete to tell them (like grandma has cancer, and here is treatment vs. what we know now which is just that she has cancer and the doctors are tying to figure out what kind and what to do). Also, we may be seeing my dad next month (my parents are divorced). There is a long, ugly history between my parents. I didn't want to risk having one of our kids slip up and mention something about grandma's cancer to my dad, and I didn't want to start dragging my kids into the messy adult world of "don't talk about grandma around grandpa." Apparently when we discussed this DH had already told his mom and it didn't occur to him that his mom might bright it up in front of our kids. It turns out that DH also thought it was dumb not to tell the kids, but said he agreed with me because he didn't want to argue about it. DH generally thinks its ridiculous that he (or anyone else) should remember not to talk about my parents to each other. Come to think of it, DH generally thinks any restrictions on him are ridiculous. Anyway...

Issue 3) I was shocked when MIL brought this up. I lied and said "oh she doesn't have cancer, the doctors are just doing some tests to see what is going on." Do I need to send MIL a message saying "hey, sorry for the confusion. my mom does have cancer. DH and I had agreed not to tell the kids until we knew more, and I wasn't aware he'd told anyone. Also, while my mom has been very open with her children about this I don't know how much or little she is sharing with others in the neighborhood, so please let her be the one to share this news if and when she wants." Or, should I leave this up to DH to address? I'd have to tell him because it won't occur to him otherwise.

Issue 4) Now when I tell my kids their grandma has cancer I have to also explain that I lied to their other grandma, and why. I'm not coming up with any good ways to do this. I made a quick decision to lie to my MIL and while that wasn't great I'm honestly not sure that telling the kids at that moment that their other grandma has cancer would have been any better. Maybe it would have been, it would at least have been over.

[Anonymous]

You are making this way too confusing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making this way too confusing.

MIL told my kids my mom has cancer. I made a snap choice and lied to them all saying my mom doesn't have cancer. How do I fix this? Also, DH sees no problems.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a very emotionally difficult thing to be dealing with, OP.

I'd send your MIL a text you proposed in 3 that starts with "hey, sorry for the confusion."

It's not clear to me from your post that you shared with your husband that you didn't want him to tell his family, just that you didn't want the children told. Yes, it would have been good for him to mention to his mother when he shared the news with her not to bring it up in front of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think you should tell your MIL that you were caught off guard and that your mom does have cancer. I think your husband handled it fine, but, if you are really private about medical stuff, you need to speak plainly anytime he should not talk about something.

[Anonymous]

Just tell your kids the truth, you were caught off guard and responded poorly in the moment. Yes, you should tell MIL the truth. And also tell her that you're not sure how comfortable your mom is with sharing the news, that you didn't know your dh was telling anyone about it, and that you'd appreciate it if she'd keep it private. Your bigger issue here is with dealing with your dh.

[Anonymous]

I see a problem in DH telling his mom only because our moms live so close to each other and know several of the same people. Isn't it common courtesy to let people share their health status with those around them if they wish? If our moms lived in different cities, NBD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your kids the truth, you were caught off guard and responded poorly in the moment. Yes, you should tell MIL the truth. And also tell her that you're not sure how comfortable your mom is with sharing the news, that you didn't know your dh was telling anyone about it, and that you'd appreciate it if she'd keep it private. Your bigger issue here is with dealing with your dh.

OP here and I 100% agree. Honestly, over the years I've noticed I think about whether or not to share some things with him because IMO he lacks common sense about what is private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On mother's day my family (DH, me, and kids in early ES and younger) were FaceTiming with my MIL and she asked how my mom is doing with cancer.

Issue 1) DH shared personal health information about my mom with his mom and sees zero problems with this. We don't live near our parents but our moms live less than 2 miles from each other and have several acquaintances in common. DH's response when I asked him why he thought this was appropriate was "well its so widely discussed on all of these texts, I didn't see what the big deal was." The texts are with my moms siblings (not even the partners of her siblings) and my mom's children and their partners. So yes there are a lot of texts but its a very private group. Also, "my mom asked how your mom was doing, so I told her she has cancer. That's how she's doing." As if the mere fact of his mom asking a question entitles her to personal information about another person.

This would be NBD in my family. My mom has cancer and my MIL asks about her sometimes and DH tells her what he knows. Different people have different standards for what counts as a "secret" and for who can be let in on "secrets." So nothing you've written here is objectively beyond the pale, even if it is problematic for you personally (for whatever reason).

I do understand the potential complication of your mothers being neighbors as well as connected through their children, but maybe your DH doesn't. I will gently suggest, however, that people who aren't inherently secretive will always let out info that secretive people would not. So I would start from the premise that your DH is always likely to share info that you wouldn't want shared, and to approach sharing info with him with that in mind. By that I mean, be explicit about what you want your DH to do with information that you want to keep hidden.

Issue 2) DH and I had agreed we weren't going to tell the kids until we had something more concrete to tell them (like grandma has cancer, and here is treatment vs. what we know now which is just that she has cancer and the doctors are tying to figure out what kind and what to do). Also, we may be seeing my dad next month (my parents are divorced). There is a long, ugly history between my parents. I didn't want to risk having one of our kids slip up and mention something about grandma's cancer to my dad, and I didn't want to start dragging my kids into the messy adult world of "don't talk about grandma around grandpa." Apparently when we discussed this DH had already told his mom and it didn't occur to him that his mom might bright it up in front of our kids. It turns out that DH also thought it was dumb not to tell the kids, but said he agreed with me because he didn't want to argue about it. DH generally thinks its ridiculous that he (or anyone else) should remember not to talk about my parents to each other. Come to think of it, DH generally thinks any restrictions on him are ridiculous. Anyway...

Again, the framing of secrets and how to deal with them is really subjective. It sounds like in your family keeping secrets was considered important. But that is not always true in families. Your DH obviously doesn't "do" secrets very well. That means you have a choice: don't share your secrets with him, or accept that he won't always keep your secrets.

I don't know how old your children are, but obviously they are old enough to know what cancer is. For me, I would not want to keep this a secret from my kids (again, depending on age). I also wouldn't want to have to bring my kids into the game of keeping secrets from grandpa. Honestly, I would have relatively little patience with that myself. It is something that makes sense if your father peddles such knowledge in some way that is harmful to your mother (in which case, it seems like this would be obvious to DH and he should want to protect your mother, too). But if it's just part of their miserable relationship ("I don't want that man to know anything about me"), well, no. They can play their own games, but that's not my circus.

Issue 3) I was shocked when MIL brought this up. I lied and said "oh she doesn't have cancer, the doctors are just doing some tests to see what is going on." Do I need to send MIL a message saying "hey, sorry for the confusion. my mom does have cancer. DH and I had agreed not to tell the kids until we knew more, and I wasn't aware he'd told anyone. Also, while my mom has been very open with her children about this I don't know how much or little she is sharing with others in the neighborhood, so please let her be the one to share this news if and when she wants." Or, should I leave this up to DH to address? I'd have to tell him because it won't occur to him otherwise.

I think it would be perfectly fine for you to send this message to MIL. Unless you think MIL would be more likely to ignore you on this and more likely to listen to DH, in which case have him do it.

Issue 4) Now when I tell my kids their grandma has cancer I have to also explain that I lied to their other grandma, and why. I'm not coming up with any good ways to do this. I made a quick decision to lie to my MIL and while that wasn't great I'm honestly not sure that telling the kids at that moment that their other grandma has cancer would have been any better. Maybe it would have been, it would at least have been over.

I don't see why it has to be handled this way. Why not just tell your children at some point very soon that, as you told MIL, the doctors were doing some tests to see what is going on. Now the tests are complete and it turns out, yes, she does have cancer.

[Anonymous]

You are nuts. It's totally normal to tell people when you have cancer or when your parents have cancer. Are you living in 1953? That's when my mom was 3 and her mom was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 years later and NOBODY TOLD HER WHAT WAS GOING ON.

Tell your kids. "Grandma has cancer - the doctors are dissecting a piece of the cancer to figure out which medicine will work best to shrink it or make it go away."

Apologize to your husband and MIL for being temporarily crazy.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a you and DH issue, honestly....

But, yes, text your MIL exactly what you mentioned above in #3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see a problem in DH telling his mom only because our moms live so close to each other and know several of the same people. Isn't it common courtesy to let people share their health status with those around them if they wish? If our moms lived in different cities, NBD.

I think you swing to bring very private about it. Which is fine - but you need to be super clear with your dh not to share it. It would not occur to me not to share it as people generally aren’t all that guarded about it. I think the text you proposed sending to your MIL is a fine way to handle it.
I would not hide it from my kids because they likely won’t believe you in the future when you say “everything is fine”. I think it’s ok to say grandma is having more tests and maybe play it down a little, but don’t say “grandma is fine” if that isn’t the case.
Hugs to you. I hope your mom does well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a you and DH issue, honestly....

But, yes, text your MIL exactly what you mentioned above in #3.

Same. Also, your DH should have told MIL that it's in confidence and you weren't telling the kids yet.

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.