How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have much bigger issues here with your DH. If you want to cut off your toxic dad, you should do so. And tell your DH to stuff it.

It sounds like you have moved from one controlling male to another. Give this some thought.

Oh believe me I have! FWIW I don't think DH is trying to be controlling. He just doesn't get it and I allow myself to go down the road of "well, its just a phone call a few times a year. I can deal with that." Or "yeah, it would be nice if my kids had a relationship with their grandfather. Maybe he can be an ok grandfather even if he's a horrible person in a lot of ways. People can change." Or, "maybe I'm just totally overreacting and my dad is just human and I have a front row seat into all of his flaws."

They don’t need a relationship with this guy. Therapy for you!!

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that your mom told a big group text about this, including her in laws. And gave no instructions that this was a secret. There is no reason your hsuband should have assumed he could not tell his mom. That is what 98% of people are telling you. Don’t act like your husband has no common sense when 98% would have done what he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It sounds like I need to clarify a few things. 1) MIL did in fact tell the kids their other grandma has cancer when she asked how my mom was doing with her cancer. On FaceTime. My kids were on screen. MIL saw them there. She had been talking to them and then turned to me and asked about my mom's cancer. The kids were still sitting there. 3) My kids are in early ES and younger. My youngest won't know what cancer is. My older two do (friends grandparents have died from cancer). 3) My first instinct was NOT to lie. My first instinct was "oh shit. now I have to tell my kids that my mom has cancer but we don't know how bad or what her treatment is or really anything other than she has some kind of cancer and I was planning to tell them when I had something more solid to say other than just grandma has cancer." However, after a lifetime of fitting myself into other people's time frames and expectations I try very hard to choose what I do and not fall into the pattern of doing what everyone else wants. Frankly, I'm proud of myself that I didn't just go along with what MIL wanted (to talk about my mom's cancer). My only other idea was to lie. Obviously lying in front of my kids wasn't a good choice. But I'm not sure that turning to them at that moment and saying "hey kids, grandma has cancer" would have been great either. I feel like there were no good options and I'm frustrated that DH telling his mom led to me being in that situation.

I agree my kids should NOT have to worry about what to say and not say around grandpa. That's why I didn't want to tell them about their grandma's cancer until AFTER we'd seen my dad. Its a fair point that maybe I should cut my dad out because I have no doubt he'd somehow find a way to use my mom's cancer to torment her. (He's smart, creative, has too much time on his hands, and is very, very bitter and vindictive). DH stays in touch with my dad and guilts me into calling him on his birthday and major holidays. (See above where I talked about me trying NOT to conform to other people's expectations. Still working on this). DH kind of sees how awful my dad is, but still doesn't fully get it. DH's parents aren't perfect but I swear only my siblings and I truly understand how awful my dad is. To DH its just "yeah, hes racist, can't say a nice thing about your mom, has a selective memory, but he's your dad."

As far as DH telling his mom, it frustrates me mostly because 1) she told our kids, and 2) it seems to me like such an obvious thing NOT to share that clearly I have to consider everything I tell him and whether I need to explicitly request he NOT share it. How micromanaging and annoying is that? I can imagine him saying "honey, stop telling me what to say and not to say, I'm a grown adult. I can use common sense." Well....

Also, I didn't tell DH that my mom has cancer. My mom told him.

The first bolded section is so screwed up I don't even know where to begin. Your framing of your MIL's (considerate and well-intentioned) question and your response to it is very odd.

Re the second bolded section, the majority of the people responding have told you that is isn't at all obvious that this should be kept a secret from other family members. In addition, you're gatekeeping a piece of news that isn't even your news. It's your mother's. If she wanted him not to tell anyone, she should have said something. It's really not your business to make these decisions and conditions for her.

Your MIL shouldn't have brought it up in front of your kids, without knowing what you'd told them. That's not her business. But from where I sit, your husband did nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that your mom told a big group text about this, including her in laws. And gave no instructions that this was a secret. There is no reason your hsuband should have assumed he could not tell his mom. That is what 98% of people are telling you. Don’t act like your husband has no common sense when 98% would have done what he did.

+1
your MIL shouldn’t have brought it up in front of your kids. Other than that, I don’t see anything wrong. Is your mom upset it was shared, or just you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am definitely frustrated. I apologize for the snark. I have not meant to be aggressive. I am certainly surprised by the number of responses that seem to be comfortable with somebody sharing another persons health information with other people. I can’t help but wonder if this would be different with slight changes to the circumstances. For example if my sister were pregnant and DH told his sister (who has friends in common with my sister). How many threads are there complaining about somebody sharing pregnancy news that is not their own? In those scenarios the majority has seemed to understand that health information (pregnancy) is for the expectant parents to share, not the excited family members, friends, or anybody else who happens to know. It seems to me the only differences between those threads and this one is the age and the health condition. The fact that health information is being shared by someone other than a person with the health condition remains the same.

Same poster whose kid had cancer. Your analogy really has me thinking more on this. I think the reason I would not share pregnancy info isn’t because it is “health information.” I would not share it because it is a major life event that I generally know people prefer to share themselves. I think pregnancy is more analagous with divorce. I likely would not share divorce info, because it is a major life event that the person involved would prefer to share themselves. You seem to have a really particular focus on health information. If your mom broke her arm, would that be a secret? I mean that with no snark. I just can see your hsuband struggling with what health info is sensitive versus not sensitive.

I wouldn’t share early pregnancy info, but I would share once the person has shared openly that they are pregnant. I would not share information about people being separated or going through divorce, but I would share once the divorce was final, or if the divorcing couple was open about it.

It didn’t occur to me not to tell my mom that my MIL has cancer just like it didn’t occur to me not to tell my MIL about my dad’s Parkinson’s. These are not secrets in my world.

Your level of secrecy around normal life events is really toxic, OP. It’s like you’re concerned someone will use that information in some negative way. I can’t even imagine what. I mean, I get secrecy about some conditions so that you’re not passed over for a promotion at work or something, but that’s not what I hear you saying. And keeping it a secret from your kids? That’s going to breed fear and resentment over time.

But I agree that the real issue is you need to get on the same page with your DH.

I agree with it being fine to share once information is widely out there already. As far as DH and I know my mom has only shared this with her children and their partners, and her siblings (not their partners). I assume this kind of thing is private UNLESS told otherwise. DH and a lot of other posters here seem to assume information is widely shared UNLESS explicitly told to keep it private. So interesting.

I wonder if there is a nuance here that is getting lost. Did you tell your mom that your MIL had cancer when your MIL was just finding out that she had cancer but wasn't yet sure what kind she had or what her options where and treatments might be? Its not about keeping it secret, IMO, its about 1) whether it is your news to share and 2) when is the appropriate time. Also, the fact that our moms live in the same community seems pretty important to me. Its one think if mom lives in CA and MIL lives in Vermont and they don't know any of the same people. Its quite another, IMO, when they live ~2 miles apart and know a lot of the same people. In my situation there is the risk that MIL shared with all the girls at next week's bridge game and my mom isn't yet ready to share.

Funny you mention work. There have been times over the years that DH had told me about some awkward situation at work and I'll be like "oh my gosh, Sean should NEVER had said that to Walt. IT wasn't his news to share" or "he should have deferred to his director to deliver the message." And DH will be look at me with surprise and say "that's exactly what Walt said, and now Sean is in the dog house and I'm so glad I wasn't in Sean's situation because I would have done exactly what he did!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am definitely frustrated. I apologize for the snark. I have not meant to be aggressive. I am certainly surprised by the number of responses that seem to be comfortable with somebody sharing another persons health information with other people. I can’t help but wonder if this would be different with slight changes to the circumstances. For example if my sister were pregnant and DH told his sister (who has friends in common with my sister). How many threads are there complaining about somebody sharing pregnancy news that is not their own? In those scenarios the majority has seemed to understand that health information (pregnancy) is for the expectant parents to share, not the excited family members, friends, or anybody else who happens to know. It seems to me the only differences between those threads and this one is the age and the health condition. The fact that health information is being shared by someone other than a person with the health condition remains the same.

Same poster whose kid had cancer. Your analogy really has me thinking more on this. I think the reason I would not share pregnancy info isn’t because it is “health information.” I would not share it because it is a major life event that I generally know people prefer to share themselves. I think pregnancy is more analagous with divorce. I likely would not share divorce info, because it is a major life event that the person involved would prefer to share themselves. You seem to have a really particular focus on health information. If your mom broke her arm, would that be a secret? I mean that with no snark. I just can see your hsuband struggling with what health info is sensitive versus not sensitive.

I wouldn’t share early pregnancy info, but I would share once the person has shared openly that they are pregnant. I would not share information about people being separated or going through divorce, but I would share once the divorce was final, or if the divorcing couple was open about it.

It didn’t occur to me not to tell my mom that my MIL has cancer just like it didn’t occur to me not to tell my MIL about my dad’s Parkinson’s. These are not secrets in my world.

Your level of secrecy around normal life events is really toxic, OP. It’s like you’re concerned someone will use that information in some negative way. I can’t even imagine what. I mean, I get secrecy about some conditions so that you’re not passed over for a promotion at work or something, but that’s not what I hear you saying. And keeping it a secret from your kids? That’s going to breed fear and resentment over time.

But I agree that the real issue is you need to get on the same page with your DH.

I agree with it being fine to share once information is widely out there already. As far as DH and I know my mom has only shared this with her children and their partners, and her siblings (not their partners). I assume this kind of thing is private UNLESS told otherwise. DH and a lot of other posters here seem to assume information is widely shared UNLESS explicitly told to keep it private. So interesting.

I wonder if there is a nuance here that is getting lost. Did you tell your mom that your MIL had cancer when your MIL was just finding out that she had cancer but wasn't yet sure what kind she had or what her options where and treatments might be? Its not about keeping it secret, IMO, its about 1) whether it is your news to share and 2) when is the appropriate time. Also, the fact that our moms live in the same community seems pretty important to me. Its one think if mom lives in CA and MIL lives in Vermont and they don't know any of the same people. Its quite another, IMO, when they live ~2 miles apart and know a lot of the same people. In my situation there is the risk that MIL shared with all the girls at next week's bridge game and my mom isn't yet ready to share.

Funny you mention work. There have been times over the years that DH had told me about some awkward situation at work and I'll be like "oh my gosh, Sean should NEVER had said that to Walt. IT wasn't his news to share" or "he should have deferred to his director to deliver the message." And DH will be look at me with surprise and say "that's exactly what Walt said, and now Sean is in the dog house and I'm so glad I wasn't in Sean's situation because I would have done exactly what he did!"

Good lord. I can't tell if you are being deliberately obtuse, or if you really don't understand. No one is saying it is "widely shared." He told HIS MOTHER. A member of the family. He didn't take out an ad in the local paper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that your mom told a big group text about this, including her in laws. And gave no instructions that this was a secret. There is no reason your husband should have assumed he could not tell his mom. That is what 98% of people are telling you. Don’t act like your husband has no common sense when 98% would have done what he did.

My mom didn't tell a big group text. I don't understand why this point continues to be misunderstood. My mom told her children and their partners (that's 5 people) AND her siblings (3 more people). She left off her siblings partners. So my mom told 8 people as far as we knew. How is that a big group? I'm baffled. She gave no indication that she'd told anyone else. Also, at the time DH told his mom, my mom was terrified, afraid she was going to die soon, and doing everything she could think of to avoid thinking about this. She was NOT telling her friends. DH telling his mom could have led to his mom telling their common acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am definitely frustrated. I apologize for the snark. I have not meant to be aggressive. I am certainly surprised by the number of responses that seem to be comfortable with somebody sharing another persons health information with other people. I can’t help but wonder if this would be different with slight changes to the circumstances. For example if my sister were pregnant and DH told his sister (who has friends in common with my sister). How many threads are there complaining about somebody sharing pregnancy news that is not their own? In those scenarios the majority has seemed to understand that health information (pregnancy) is for the expectant parents to share, not the excited family members, friends, or anybody else who happens to know. It seems to me the only differences between those threads and this one is the age and the health condition. The fact that health information is being shared by someone other than a person with the health condition remains the same.

Same poster whose kid had cancer. Your analogy really has me thinking more on this. I think the reason I would not share pregnancy info isn’t because it is “health information.” I would not share it because it is a major life event that I generally know people prefer to share themselves. I think pregnancy is more analagous with divorce. I likely would not share divorce info, because it is a major life event that the person involved would prefer to share themselves. You seem to have a really particular focus on health information. If your mom broke her arm, would that be a secret? I mean that with no snark. I just can see your hsuband struggling with what health info is sensitive versus not sensitive.

I wouldn’t share early pregnancy info, but I would share once the person has shared openly that they are pregnant. I would not share information about people being separated or going through divorce, but I would share once the divorce was final, or if the divorcing couple was open about it.

It didn’t occur to me not to tell my mom that my MIL has cancer just like it didn’t occur to me not to tell my MIL about my dad’s Parkinson’s. These are not secrets in my world.

Your level of secrecy around normal life events is really toxic, OP. It’s like you’re concerned someone will use that information in some negative way. I can’t even imagine what. I mean, I get secrecy about some conditions so that you’re not passed over for a promotion at work or something, but that’s not what I hear you saying. And keeping it a secret from your kids? That’s going to breed fear and resentment over time.

But I agree that the real issue is you need to get on the same page with your DH.

I agree with it being fine to share once information is widely out there already. As far as DH and I know my mom has only shared this with her children and their partners, and her siblings (not their partners). I assume this kind of thing is private UNLESS told otherwise. DH and a lot of other posters here seem to assume information is widely shared UNLESS explicitly told to keep it private. So interesting.

I wonder if there is a nuance here that is getting lost. Did you tell your mom that your MIL had cancer when your MIL was just finding out that she had cancer but wasn't yet sure what kind she had or what her options where and treatments might be? Its not about keeping it secret, IMO, its about 1) whether it is your news to share and 2) when is the appropriate time. Also, the fact that our moms live in the same community seems pretty important to me. Its one think if mom lives in CA and MIL lives in Vermont and they don't know any of the same people. Its quite another, IMO, when they live ~2 miles apart and know a lot of the same people. In my situation there is the risk that MIL shared with all the girls at next week's bridge game and my mom isn't yet ready to share.

Funny you mention work. There have been times over the years that DH had told me about some awkward situation at work and I'll be like "oh my gosh, Sean should NEVER had said that to Walt. IT wasn't his news to share" or "he should have deferred to his director to deliver the message." And DH will be look at me with surprise and say "that's exactly what Walt said, and now Sean is in the dog house and I'm so glad I wasn't in Sean's situation because I would have done exactly what he did!"

Good lord. I can't tell if you are being deliberately obtuse, or if you really don't understand. No one is saying it is "widely shared." He told HIS MOTHER. A member of the family. He didn't take out an ad in the local paper.

I guess I don't understand. You're saying that my MIL and mom are family? They're really not. They live 2 miles from each other and NEVER see each other. They're both retired so certainly could have a relationship if they wanted, but they have separate lives and that is fine. They know some of the same people so there is lots of potential for MIL to share my mom's health status before she's ready to. I guess family means different things to different people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am definitely frustrated. I apologize for the snark. I have not meant to be aggressive. I am certainly surprised by the number of responses that seem to be comfortable with somebody sharing another persons health information with other people. I can’t help but wonder if this would be different with slight changes to the circumstances. For example if my sister were pregnant and DH told his sister (who has friends in common with my sister). How many threads are there complaining about somebody sharing pregnancy news that is not their own? In those scenarios the majority has seemed to understand that health information (pregnancy) is for the expectant parents to share, not the excited family members, friends, or anybody else who happens to know. It seems to me the only differences between those threads and this one is the age and the health condition. The fact that health information is being shared by someone other than a person with the health condition remains the same.

Same poster whose kid had cancer. Your analogy really has me thinking more on this. I think the reason I would not share pregnancy info isn’t because it is “health information.” I would not share it because it is a major life event that I generally know people prefer to share themselves. I think pregnancy is more analagous with divorce. I likely would not share divorce info, because it is a major life event that the person involved would prefer to share themselves. You seem to have a really particular focus on health information. If your mom broke her arm, would that be a secret? I mean that with no snark. I just can see your hsuband struggling with what health info is sensitive versus not sensitive.

I wouldn’t share early pregnancy info, but I would share once the person has shared openly that they are pregnant. I would not share information about people being separated or going through divorce, but I would share once the divorce was final, or if the divorcing couple was open about it.

It didn’t occur to me not to tell my mom that my MIL has cancer just like it didn’t occur to me not to tell my MIL about my dad’s Parkinson’s. These are not secrets in my world.

Your level of secrecy around normal life events is really toxic, OP. It’s like you’re concerned someone will use that information in some negative way. I can’t even imagine what. I mean, I get secrecy about some conditions so that you’re not passed over for a promotion at work or something, but that’s not what I hear you saying. And keeping it a secret from your kids? That’s going to breed fear and resentment over time.

But I agree that the real issue is you need to get on the same page with your DH.

I agree with it being fine to share once information is widely out there already. As far as DH and I know my mom has only shared this with her children and their partners, and her siblings (not their partners). I assume this kind of thing is private UNLESS told otherwise. DH and a lot of other posters here seem to assume information is widely shared UNLESS explicitly told to keep it private. So interesting.

I wonder if there is a nuance here that is getting lost. Did you tell your mom that your MIL had cancer when your MIL was just finding out that she had cancer but wasn't yet sure what kind she had or what her options where and treatments might be? Its not about keeping it secret, IMO, its about 1) whether it is your news to share and 2) when is the appropriate time. Also, the fact that our moms live in the same community seems pretty important to me. Its one think if mom lives in CA and MIL lives in Vermont and they don't know any of the same people. Its quite another, IMO, when they live ~2 miles apart and know a lot of the same people. In my situation there is the risk that MIL shared with all the girls at next week's bridge game and my mom isn't yet ready to share.

Funny you mention work. There have been times over the years that DH had told me about some awkward situation at work and I'll be like "oh my gosh, Sean should NEVER had said that to Walt. IT wasn't his news to share" or "he should have deferred to his director to deliver the message." And DH will be look at me with surprise and say "that's exactly what Walt said, and now Sean is in the dog house and I'm so glad I wasn't in Sean's situation because I would have done exactly what he did!"

Good lord. I can't tell if you are being deliberately obtuse, or if you really don't understand. No one is saying it is "widely shared." He told HIS MOTHER. A member of the family. He didn't take out an ad in the local paper.

I guess I don't understand. You're saying that my MIL and mom are family? They're really not. They live 2 miles from each other and NEVER see each other. They're both retired so certainly could have a relationship if they wanted, but they have separate lives and that is fine. They know some of the same people so there is lots of potential for MIL to share my mom's health status before she's ready to. I guess family means different things to different people.

I think my “family” includes lots of people, including the families of my in-laws. My sister can tell her MIL pretty much anything about me. I know her MIL wishes me well even if we are not super close and rarely see each other. My SIL can tell her parents something about me — same thing, these people wish me well. Assuming there is nothing toxic going on, my extended in laws are included in the group of people that I welcome in my life, even if it rarely happens.

[Anonymous]

OP your follow up is a little troubling in that you seem to think you have no responsibility in what happened, that your default to lying was totally rational instead of a mistake, that MIL did something wrong by saying something in front of your kids (when she had no reason not to think the kids knew) and that your mother wasn’t capable of telling your husband herself that she wanted the information kept confidential. I think there’s a lot to unpack here but I do think some self reflection about your own role in this is in order and that your feelings towards your husband are unfair and misplaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am definitely frustrated. I apologize for the snark. I have not meant to be aggressive. I am certainly surprised by the number of responses that seem to be comfortable with somebody sharing another persons health information with other people. I can’t help but wonder if this would be different with slight changes to the circumstances. For example if my sister were pregnant and DH told his sister (who has friends in common with my sister). How many threads are there complaining about somebody sharing pregnancy news that is not their own? In those scenarios the majority has seemed to understand that health information (pregnancy) is for the expectant parents to share, not the excited family members, friends, or anybody else who happens to know. It seems to me the only differences between those threads and this one is the age and the health condition. The fact that health information is being shared by someone other than a person with the health condition remains the same.

Same poster whose kid had cancer. Your analogy really has me thinking more on this. I think the reason I would not share pregnancy info isn’t because it is “health information.” I would not share it because it is a major life event that I generally know people prefer to share themselves. I think pregnancy is more analagous with divorce. I likely would not share divorce info, because it is a major life event that the person involved would prefer to share themselves. You seem to have a really particular focus on health information. If your mom broke her arm, would that be a secret? I mean that with no snark. I just can see your hsuband struggling with what health info is sensitive versus not sensitive.

I wouldn’t share early pregnancy info, but I would share once the person has shared openly that they are pregnant. I would not share information about people being separated or going through divorce, but I would share once the divorce was final, or if the divorcing couple was open about it.

It didn’t occur to me not to tell my mom that my MIL has cancer just like it didn’t occur to me not to tell my MIL about my dad’s Parkinson’s. These are not secrets in my world.

Your level of secrecy around normal life events is really toxic, OP. It’s like you’re concerned someone will use that information in some negative way. I can’t even imagine what. I mean, I get secrecy about some conditions so that you’re not passed over for a promotion at work or something, but that’s not what I hear you saying. And keeping it a secret from your kids? That’s going to breed fear and resentment over time.

But I agree that the real issue is you need to get on the same page with your DH.

I agree with it being fine to share once information is widely out there already. As far as DH and I know my mom has only shared this with her children and their partners, and her siblings (not their partners). I assume this kind of thing is private UNLESS told otherwise. DH and a lot of other posters here seem to assume information is widely shared UNLESS explicitly told to keep it private. So interesting.

I wonder if there is a nuance here that is getting lost. Did you tell your mom that your MIL had cancer when your MIL was just finding out that she had cancer but wasn't yet sure what kind she had or what her options where and treatments might be? Its not about keeping it secret, IMO, its about 1) whether it is your news to share and 2) when is the appropriate time. Also, the fact that our moms live in the same community seems pretty important to me. Its one think if mom lives in CA and MIL lives in Vermont and they don't know any of the same people. Its quite another, IMO, when they live ~2 miles apart and know a lot of the same people. In my situation there is the risk that MIL shared with all the girls at next week's bridge game and my mom isn't yet ready to share.

Funny you mention work. There have been times over the years that DH had told me about some awkward situation at work and I'll be like "oh my gosh, Sean should NEVER had said that to Walt. IT wasn't his news to share" or "he should have deferred to his director to deliver the message." And DH will be look at me with surprise and say "that's exactly what Walt said, and now Sean is in the dog house and I'm so glad I wasn't in Sean's situation because I would have done exactly what he did!"

Good lord. I can't tell if you are being deliberately obtuse, or if you really don't understand. No one is saying it is "widely shared." He told HIS MOTHER. A member of the family. He didn't take out an ad in the local paper.

I guess I don't understand. You're saying that my MIL and mom are family? They're really not. They live 2 miles from each other and NEVER see each other. They're both retired so certainly could have a relationship if they wanted, but they have separate lives and that is fine. They know some of the same people so there is lots of potential for MIL to share my mom's health status before she's ready to. I guess family means different things to different people.

NP.

Yes.

They are direct family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that your mom told a big group text about this, including her in laws. And gave no instructions that this was a secret. There is no reason your hsuband should have assumed he could not tell his mom. That is what 98% of people are telling you. Don’t act like your husband has no common sense when 98% would have done what he did.

+1
your MIL shouldn’t have brought it up in front of your kids. Other than that, I don’t see anything wrong. Is your mom upset it was shared, or just you?

It was on OP and her husband to tell his mom that the kids didn’t know yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that your mom told a big group text about this, including her in laws. And gave no instructions that this was a secret. There is no reason your hsuband should have assumed he could not tell his mom. That is what 98% of people are telling you. Don’t act like your husband has no common sense when 98% would have done what he did.

+1
your MIL shouldn’t have brought it up in front of your kids. Other than that, I don’t see anything wrong. Is your mom upset it was shared, or just you?

It was on OP and her husband to tell his mom that the kids didn’t know yet.

Op here. I’d say it was 100% on DH since i had no idea he’d told his mom.

[Anonymous]

I will say that OP’s absolute refusal to concede that other points of view have validity is pretty astounding. I actually have some sympathy for some pieces of her story, but the total inability to see other perspectives makes me think that this isn’t on DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have much bigger issues here with your DH. If you want to cut off your toxic dad, you should do so. And tell your DH to stuff it.

It sounds like you have moved from one controlling male to another. Give this some thought.

Oh believe me I have! FWIW I don't think DH is trying to be controlling. He just doesn't get it and I allow myself to go down the road of "well, its just a phone call a few times a year. I can deal with that." Or "yeah, it would be nice if my kids had a relationship with their grandfather. Maybe he can be an ok grandfather even if he's a horrible person in a lot of ways. People can change." Or, "maybe I'm just totally overreacting and my dad is just human and I have a front row seat into all of his flaws."

They don’t need a relationship with this guy. Therapy for you!!

I read this in an Oprah voice like she's announcing a give a way. Love it!
-OP