How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

Weird people wouldn’t mention cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

Np. It’s a major life impacting event. Also this is her mother, who is probably not doing lots of extracurricular activities or hanging with school friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a you and DH issue, honestly....

But, yes, text your MIL exactly what you mentioned above in #3.

Same. Also, your DH should have told MIL that it's in confidence and you weren't telling the kids yet.

Agree – I don't think its a big deal that he told her, but he should have told her that it was not public knowledge and he was telling her in confidence and please do not bring it up unless you do.

Send MIL the message explaining that you were rattled in the moment, but you/your mom isn't ready to tell people yet and you would appreciate if MIL doesn't mention it to anyone yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

Yes, those subjects make more sense for little Larlo. I don't think grandparent-aged people are involved in a lot of sports, music, school. I don't think her husband meant to be gossipy or transgress any social boundaries. If OP knows her husband is more straightforward with information sharing while she tends to want it closer, and this is something that has come up over the years, it would likely be a good idea to keep this in mind and expressly state it to her husband when she doesn't want certain information shared.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your thinking on this issue is very nuanced and complicated and your H's thinking is very black and white and simple. Unless your mom specifically requested that her cancer news not be shared I think it might be time to just be open and honest with the kids and the MIL and apologize for lying about it. I bet if you explain why you lied to your MIL she will understand.

If your mom has specifically said don't share then the problem is deeper and I don't know what you should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

Your Larlo example is appropriate for a child. It's not appropriate for adults. How is YOUR mother doing with her tennis game and understanding Lizzo's lyrics of her latest song and her 65th HS reunion? See how ridiculous that sounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

I can assure you, when someone is dealing with newly diagnosed cancer, their life pretty much revolves around that reality, not sports, music, schools, whatever.

Look, if you want to keep it private, you say, mom is dealing with some health issues but we'll know more later. You don't say, mom is fine, she just saw a musical that she really loved.

This is not some random stranger asking. This is OP's MIL. Eventually the truth will come out and she'd feel foolish that her son and DIL were telling her about OP's mom's hobbies when she's really dealing with a major life event.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

Your Larlo example is appropriate for a child. It's not appropriate for adults. How is YOUR mother doing with her tennis game and understanding Lizzo's lyrics of her latest song and her 65th HS reunion? See how ridiculous that sounds.

It would seem perfectly reasonably to talk about the latest play the grandmother attended, or the game night, or book club, or the volunteering she does with her church, or the trip she is planning this summer or, or, so many other things besides health. Its like you think the only thing happening in a grand parent's life is their health. #ageism?

[Anonymous]

I don't see a problem with your husband telling his mother.
What you said to the kids was fine. Now you can just say the tests found cancer when you decide to tell them. Stop worrying about the relationship between your mother and father. I wouldn't say anything to you MIL. Your husband can address it or not. It sounds like you guys aren't very close anyway. You are making way more out of this than you need to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

I'm not particularly close to my MIL, though we have a warm and friendly relationship. And MIL and my parents are not close at all, but like your parents and in-laws they like each other fine.

My MIL was so, so kind to me when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She was clearly deeply concerned, both for my mom and for me. It was lovely, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

Your Larlo example is appropriate for a child. It's not appropriate for adults. How is YOUR mother doing with her tennis game and understanding Lizzo's lyrics of her latest song and her 65th HS reunion? See how ridiculous that sounds.

It would seem perfectly reasonably to talk about the latest play the grandmother attended, or the game night, or book club, or the volunteering she does with her church, or the trip she is planning this summer or, or, so many other things besides health. Its like you think the only thing happening in a grand parent's life is their health. #ageism?

Wow. You're pretty clueless. Both of my parents had cancer. Believe me, they were not attending plays, having game nights, book club, or planning trips. They were hunkered down and trying to figure out the best treatment plans. In the meantime, they were limiting their social lives to minimize exposure to infectious diseases.

There is a big elephant in the room. Talking about it is not ageism--ffs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

Thank you PP. It sounds like your MIL and parents have a wonderful relationship. My mom and MIL are cordial but not particularly close. They run into each other occasionally and have friends in common, but that's it. Also, we're still getting the diagnosis worked out so this is all very new and I feel there is a difference between sharing a new diagnosis and asking for an update on something that is broadly known.

You asked if my mother cares whether other people know. Neither DH not I have specifically asked if her diagnosis is something we can share with others in her community. DH seems to assume anything he is told is fair to share with anyone else. I tend to assume that personal information is personal, unless explicitly told it is ok to share. I find it surprising that so many here side with DH. Obviously the laws protecting personally identifiable health information apply to medical providers and not family members, but isnt' the principle for those laws based on the recognition that health information is personal and that the person to whom it pertains should decide with whom it is shared?

I definitely have a broader DH frustration here. He wonders why we aren't closer, why I don't feel I can tell me anything on my mind Because I never know what he'll find ok to repeat and even if I tell him something is private he'll make a mistake and forget. It didn't occur to me to tell DH to NOT tell his mom. It's not my health information. I didn't tell him, my mom did.

When we had our first child our health provider gave us the option to both view our child's medical record AND to give each other access to our respective medical health records. We didn't talk about it a ton but both were like "um, that's not really necessary, we can keep our individual health records separate." It hasn't been an issue, but boy am I glad we made that decision! Who knows what he'd find that he'd feel is appropriate to share with his mom or anyone else who asked how I'm doing. "Jenny's BMI is down slightly, but not as much as her doctor had hoped so she's starting new exercise program we're hoping will help with her chronic joint pain." I find it absurd that I'd have to either NOT tell my husband that, OR if I do tell him, explicitly state that this is private information he should NOT share (and then hope he doesn't forget).

I probably sound really snarky here, and I apologize for that. I do sincerely appreciate your response (and all of the others, I know I haven't responded to them all). So interesting to see such different concepts of privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

Your Larlo example is appropriate for a child. It's not appropriate for adults. How is YOUR mother doing with her tennis game and understanding Lizzo's lyrics of her latest song and her 65th HS reunion? See how ridiculous that sounds.

It would seem perfectly reasonably to talk about the latest play the grandmother attended, or the game night, or book club, or the volunteering she does with her church, or the trip she is planning this summer or, or, so many other things besides health. Its like you think the only thing happening in a grand parent's life is their health. #ageism?

Wow. You're pretty clueless. Both of my parents had cancer. Believe me, they were not attending plays, having game nights, book club, or planning trips. They were hunkered down and trying to figure out the best treatment plans. In the meantime, they were limiting their social lives to minimize exposure to infectious diseases.

There is a big elephant in the room. Talking about it is not ageism--ffs!

You're responding to OP (me). Maybe I should have made that clear. I definitely could have been more polite. I assure you I am not clueless. These are all things my mom is doing while figuring this out. I don't know if this is common but her doctor says she's not at any more or less risk of infection because of her cancer. He says her biggest risk factor for catching something is just the fact that she's elderly. So yeah, she's still living her life and is actually trying to keep extra busy to distract herself from what she can't control while doing the testing and waiting for results. She's also spent the past 2 years writing a book (thank you COVID), so there is always that DH could have talked about. My point about ageism was that there is more to an elderly person's life than their health. I can imagine nearer the end of anyone's life when mobility is severely limited that this is no longer the case, we're not there yet. She's still sorting out the diagnosis. I think I mentioned in my original post that this cancer isn't particularly aggressive. I'll also clarify that she's not in any pain, its not slowing her down at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is increasingly clear your issue is a larger one with your relationship with your husband (as you yourself stated in a recent post). You’re getting aggressive and snarky with people you feel are “siding” with your husband, but I think people are just trying to give you good advice. I am sorry you’re dealing with this. Maybe some counseling would be good for you.