How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making this way too confusing.

MIL told my kids my mom has cancer. I made a snap choice and lied to them all saying my mom doesn't have cancer. How do I fix this? Also, DH sees no problems.

Kick your husband out of the group chat. He needs to tell his mom that he wasn't supposed to mention your mother's diagnosis outside the family yet and that your kids didn't know.

[Anonymous]

I think you are overreacting. You have too many rules with this information. Do you want your husband to support you or not? Of you don't need his support and prefer to give your mom more privacy take him off the group texts. Then your mil could find out from other sources.

Family is family. My in-laws inquire about my family all the time from me or my husband and vice versa. We are all family and they all have shared love for my family. Everyone genuinely cares about how everyone is doing.


I'm sorry your mom is sick. I'm happy your mom is surrounded by love.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It sounds like I need to clarify a few things. 1) MIL did in fact tell the kids their other grandma has cancer when she asked how my mom was doing with her cancer. On FaceTime. My kids were on screen. MIL saw them there. She had been talking to them and then turned to me and asked about my mom's cancer. The kids were still sitting there. 3) My kids are in early ES and younger. My youngest won't know what cancer is. My older two do (friends grandparents have died from cancer). 3) My first instinct was NOT to lie. My first instinct was "oh shit. now I have to tell my kids that my mom has cancer but we don't know how bad or what her treatment is or really anything other than she has some kind of cancer and I was planning to tell them when I had something more solid to say other than just grandma has cancer." However, after a lifetime of fitting myself into other people's time frames and expectations I try very hard to choose what I do and not fall into the pattern of doing what everyone else wants. Frankly, I'm proud of myself that I didn't just go along with what MIL wanted (to talk about my mom's cancer). My only other idea was to lie. Obviously lying in front of my kids wasn't a good choice. But I'm not sure that turning to them at that moment and saying "hey kids, grandma has cancer" would have been great either. I feel like there were no good options and I'm frustrated that DH telling his mom led to me being in that situation.

I agree my kids should NOT have to worry about what to say and not say around grandpa. That's why I didn't want to tell them about their grandma's cancer until AFTER we'd seen my dad. Its a fair point that maybe I should cut my dad out because I have no doubt he'd somehow find a way to use my mom's cancer to torment her. (He's smart, creative, has too much time on his hands, and is very, very bitter and vindictive). DH stays in touch with my dad and guilts me into calling him on his birthday and major holidays. (See above where I talked about me trying NOT to conform to other people's expectations. Still working on this). DH kind of sees how awful my dad is, but still doesn't fully get it. DH's parents aren't perfect but I swear only my siblings and I truly understand how awful my dad is. To DH its just "yeah, hes racist, can't say a nice thing about your mom, has a selective memory, but he's your dad."

As far as DH telling his mom, it frustrates me mostly because 1) she told our kids, and 2) it seems to me like such an obvious thing NOT to share that clearly I have to consider everything I tell him and whether I need to explicitly request he NOT share it. How micromanaging and annoying is that? I can imagine him saying "honey, stop telling me what to say and not to say, I'm a grown adult. I can use common sense." Well....

Also, I didn't tell DH that my mom has cancer. My mom told him.

[Anonymous]

Also meant to add that I'm not at all close to my in laws. We talk to them on mother's day, fathers day, they call on birthdays. they've visited us twice in 15 years. Obviously I have learned that DH talks to them more but I doubt its a lot more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are nuts. It's totally normal to tell people when you have cancer or when your parents have cancer. Are you living in 1953? That's when my mom was 3 and her mom was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 years later and NOBODY TOLD HER WHAT WAS GOING ON.

Tell your kids. "Grandma has cancer - the doctors are dissecting a piece of the cancer to figure out which medicine will work best to shrink it or make it go away."

Apologize to your husband and MIL for being temporarily crazy.

+1

and I hope your mom gets better soon.

[Anonymous]

You have much bigger issues here with your DH. If you want to cut off your toxic dad, you should do so. And tell your DH to stuff it.

It sounds like you have moved from one controlling male to another. Give this some thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s strange that you think your DH is expected to keep secret from his own mom that your mom has cancer. Your focus on private health information is not normal in my experience. Cancer isn’t usually a secret.

My dad had prostate cancer. He told me, my sibling, and my mother. My mother is a chronic oversharer and explicitly forbade her from telling anyone about it. He did not want to deal with people asking him about it, thinking about it, anything. He didn’t even want us to tell our spouses, but did relent on that because it would have been super strange to keep saying, no we can’t visit for x reason. When the real reason was he felt like crap and didn’t want visitors during treatment. My mother would have told the world and it would have stressed him out immensely.

[Anonymous]

You sound like my aunt. She does all this cloak and dagger bullcrap. It’s exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It sounds like I need to clarify a few things. 1) MIL did in fact tell the kids their other grandma has cancer when she asked how my mom was doing with her cancer. On FaceTime. My kids were on screen. MIL saw them there. She had been talking to them and then turned to me and asked about my mom's cancer. The kids were still sitting there. 3) My kids are in early ES and younger. My youngest won't know what cancer is. My older two do (friends grandparents have died from cancer). 3) My first instinct was NOT to lie. My first instinct was "oh shit. now I have to tell my kids that my mom has cancer but we don't know how bad or what her treatment is or really anything other than she has some kind of cancer and I was planning to tell them when I had something more solid to say other than just grandma has cancer." However, after a lifetime of fitting myself into other people's time frames and expectations I try very hard to choose what I do and not fall into the pattern of doing what everyone else wants. Frankly, I'm proud of myself that I didn't just go along with what MIL wanted (to talk about my mom's cancer). My only other idea was to lie. Obviously lying in front of my kids wasn't a good choice. But I'm not sure that turning to them at that moment and saying "hey kids, grandma has cancer" would have been great either. I feel like there were no good options and I'm frustrated that DH telling his mom led to me being in that situation.

I agree my kids should NOT have to worry about what to say and not say around grandpa. That's why I didn't want to tell them about their grandma's cancer until AFTER we'd seen my dad. Its a fair point that maybe I should cut my dad out because I have no doubt he'd somehow find a way to use my mom's cancer to torment her. (He's smart, creative, has too much time on his hands, and is very, very bitter and vindictive). DH stays in touch with my dad and guilts me into calling him on his birthday and major holidays. (See above where I talked about me trying NOT to conform to other people's expectations. Still working on this). DH kind of sees how awful my dad is, but still doesn't fully get it. DH's parents aren't perfect but I swear only my siblings and I truly understand how awful my dad is. To DH its just "yeah, hes racist, can't say a nice thing about your mom, has a selective memory, but he's your dad."

As far as DH telling his mom, it frustrates me mostly because 1) she told our kids, and 2) it seems to me like such an obvious thing NOT to share that clearly I have to consider everything I tell him and whether I need to explicitly request he NOT share it. How micromanaging and annoying is that? I can imagine him saying "honey, stop telling me what to say and not to say, I'm a grown adult. I can use common sense." Well....

Also, I didn't tell DH that my mom has cancer. My mom told him.

Please go to therapy.
Seriously
Like tomorrow
You just wrote a manuscript for no good reason.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have some very black-and-white thinking.
You should not assume information that is being shared will not be shared unless you explicitly what to do or not do.
There people who I trust who I know don’t share things but there are times I will tell my own damn mama OK don’t say anything to anyone.
that wasn’t your husband being an over sharer.
You don’t have to micromanage everything your husband says but if things are important for you to keep private then you must explicitly tell him those things.
And your long ass responses, you sound like you have high anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have much bigger issues here with your DH. If you want to cut off your toxic dad, you should do so. And tell your DH to stuff it.

It sounds like you have moved from one controlling male to another. Give this some thought.

Oh believe me I have! FWIW I don't think DH is trying to be controlling. He just doesn't get it and I allow myself to go down the road of "well, its just a phone call a few times a year. I can deal with that." Or "yeah, it would be nice if my kids had a relationship with their grandfather. Maybe he can be an ok grandfather even if he's a horrible person in a lot of ways. People can change." Or, "maybe I'm just totally overreacting and my dad is just human and I have a front row seat into all of his flaws."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s strange that you think your DH is expected to keep secret from his own mom that your mom has cancer. Your focus on private health information is not normal in my experience. Cancer isn’t usually a secret.

My dad had prostate cancer. He told me, my sibling, and my mother. My mother is a chronic oversharer and explicitly forbade her from telling anyone about it. He did not want to deal with people asking him about it, thinking about it, anything. He didn’t even want us to tell our spouses, but did relent on that because it would have been super strange to keep saying, no we can’t visit for x reason. When the real reason was he felt like crap and didn’t want visitors during treatment. My mother would have told the world and it would have stressed him out immensely.

Thank you. Also, don't a lot of people have a tendency to look at someone with a terminal disease a bit differently and some people don't want to be treated differently. They just want to live their life like normal for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It sounds like I need to clarify a few things. 1) MIL did in fact tell the kids their other grandma has cancer when she asked how my mom was doing with her cancer. On FaceTime. My kids were on screen. MIL saw them there. She had been talking to them and then turned to me and asked about my mom's cancer. The kids were still sitting there. 3) My kids are in early ES and younger. My youngest won't know what cancer is. My older two do (friends grandparents have died from cancer). 3) My first instinct was NOT to lie. My first instinct was "oh shit. now I have to tell my kids that my mom has cancer but we don't know how bad or what her treatment is or really anything other than she has some kind of cancer and I was planning to tell them when I had something more solid to say other than just grandma has cancer." However, after a lifetime of fitting myself into other people's time frames and expectations I try very hard to choose what I do and not fall into the pattern of doing what everyone else wants. Frankly, I'm proud of myself that I didn't just go along with what MIL wanted (to talk about my mom's cancer). My only other idea was to lie. Obviously lying in front of my kids wasn't a good choice. But I'm not sure that turning to them at that moment and saying "hey kids, grandma has cancer" would have been great either. I feel like there were no good options and I'm frustrated that DH telling his mom led to me being in that situation.

I agree my kids should NOT have to worry about what to say and not say around grandpa. That's why I didn't want to tell them about their grandma's cancer until AFTER we'd seen my dad. Its a fair point that maybe I should cut my dad out because I have no doubt he'd somehow find a way to use my mom's cancer to torment her. (He's smart, creative, has too much time on his hands, and is very, very bitter and vindictive). DH stays in touch with my dad and guilts me into calling him on his birthday and major holidays. (See above where I talked about me trying NOT to conform to other people's expectations. Still working on this). DH kind of sees how awful my dad is, but still doesn't fully get it. DH's parents aren't perfect but I swear only my siblings and I truly understand how awful my dad is. To DH its just "yeah, hes racist, can't say a nice thing about your mom, has a selective memory, but he's your dad."

As far as DH telling his mom, it frustrates me mostly because 1) she told our kids, and 2) it seems to me like such an obvious thing NOT to share that clearly I have to consider everything I tell him and whether I need to explicitly request he NOT share it. How micromanaging and annoying is that? I can imagine him saying "honey, stop telling me what to say and not to say, I'm a grown adult. I can use common sense." Well....

Also, I didn't tell DH that my mom has cancer. My mom told him.

Please go to therapy.
Seriously
Like tomorrow
You just wrote a manuscript for no good reason.

I wrote this in response to several posts since I'd last checked here which seemed to have misunderstood a few things. Or maybe my original post wasn't as clear as I thought on these points.

DCUM is my therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am definitely frustrated. I apologize for the snark. I have not meant to be aggressive. I am certainly surprised by the number of responses that seem to be comfortable with somebody sharing another persons health information with other people. I can’t help but wonder if this would be different with slight changes to the circumstances. For example if my sister were pregnant and DH told his sister (who has friends in common with my sister). How many threads are there complaining about somebody sharing pregnancy news that is not their own? In those scenarios the majority has seemed to understand that health information (pregnancy) is for the expectant parents to share, not the excited family members, friends, or anybody else who happens to know. It seems to me the only differences between those threads and this one is the age and the health condition. The fact that health information is being shared by someone other than a person with the health condition remains the same.

Same poster whose kid had cancer. Your analogy really has me thinking more on this. I think the reason I would not share pregnancy info isn’t because it is “health information.” I would not share it because it is a major life event that I generally know people prefer to share themselves. I think pregnancy is more analagous with divorce. I likely would not share divorce info, because it is a major life event that the person involved would prefer to share themselves. You seem to have a really particular focus on health information. If your mom broke her arm, would that be a secret? I mean that with no snark. I just can see your hsuband struggling with what health info is sensitive versus not sensitive.

I wouldn’t share early pregnancy info, but I would share once the person has shared openly that they are pregnant. I would not share information about people being separated or going through divorce, but I would share once the divorce was final, or if the divorcing couple was open about it.

It didn’t occur to me not to tell my mom that my MIL has cancer just like it didn’t occur to me not to tell my MIL about my dad’s Parkinson’s. These are not secrets in my world.

Your level of secrecy around normal life events is really toxic, OP. It’s like you’re concerned someone will use that information in some negative way. I can’t even imagine what. I mean, I get secrecy about some conditions so that you’re not passed over for a promotion at work or something, but that’s not what I hear you saying. And keeping it a secret from your kids? That’s going to breed fear and resentment over time.

But I agree that the real issue is you need to get on the same page with your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have some very black-and-white thinking.
You should not assume information that is being shared will not be shared unless you explicitly what to do or not do.
There people who I trust who I know don’t share things but there are times I will tell my own damn mama OK don’t say anything to anyone.
that wasn’t your husband being an over sharer.
You don’t have to micromanage everything your husband says but if things are important for you to keep private then you must explicitly tell him those things.
And your long ass responses, you sound like you have high anxiety.

To summarize: Its fine for DH to tell his mom, forget he's told his mom when we're talking about NOT telling our kids, NOT think about the possibility of his mom telling our kids. Its also fine for MIL to ask me about my mom's cancer in front of our young kids creating a really tough and unnecessary situation for me.