How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your kids the truth, you were caught off guard and responded poorly in the moment. Yes, you should tell MIL the truth. And also tell her that you're not sure how comfortable your mom is with sharing the news, that you didn't know your dh was telling anyone about it, and that you'd appreciate it if she'd keep it private. Your bigger issue here is with dealing with your dh.

This is how I would handle the situation. If you feel your husband is an over-sharer, you probably need to be very direct with him when something as sensitive as this comes up in the future. I actually agree with your husband, but he needs to respect your boundaries.

This concern of yours triggered me:

Also, we may be seeing my dad next month (my parents are divorced). There is a long, ugly history between my parents. I didn't want to risk having one of our kids slip up and mention something about grandma's cancer to my dad, and I didn't want to start dragging my kids into the messy adult world of "don't talk about grandma around grandpa."

Your parents are adults. Why are you, as an adult, trying to smooth over their relationship and keep the peace? It is not your responsibility. To me, this sounds like an unresolved childhood issue. Maybe I'm wrong. Regardless, policing your children to make sure they "don't talk about grandma around grandpa" seems very emotionally unhealthy. You are putting children's feelings and concerns behind those of adults who are responsible for processing their own damn emotions and reconciling their own marital history. I don't feel you're setting a good example for your kids. I'm sorry. If your father cannot behave civilly and show compassion for his daughter, grandchildren, mother of his daughter and grandmother to his grandchildren, he is a messed up person. I would set him straight or stay away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am definitely frustrated. I apologize for the snark. I have not meant to be aggressive. I am certainly surprised by the number of responses that seem to be comfortable with somebody sharing another persons health information with other people. I can’t help but wonder if this would be different with slight changes to the circumstances. For example if my sister were pregnant and DH told his sister (who has friends in common with my sister). How many threads are there complaining about somebody sharing pregnancy news that is not their own? In those scenarios the majority has seemed to understand that health information (pregnancy) is for the expectant parents to share, not the excited family members, friends, or anybody else who happens to know. It seems to me the only differences between those threads and this one is the age and the health condition. The fact that health information is being shared by someone other than a person with the health condition remains the same.

That's also because your sister would have JOY in spreading pregnancy news and wouldn't want to share miscarriage news.

A lot of people like it when bad health news is spread by caring people. It means they don't have to share the terrible news themselves and people can all support them. I'm not super close with my inlaws but would definitely share my mom's cancer with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

Thank you PP. It sounds like your MIL and parents have a wonderful relationship. My mom and MIL are cordial but not particularly close. They run into each other occasionally and have friends in common, but that's it. Also, we're still getting the diagnosis worked out so this is all very new and I feel there is a difference between sharing a new diagnosis and asking for an update on something that is broadly known.

You asked if my mother cares whether other people know. Neither DH not I have specifically asked if her diagnosis is something we can share with others in her community. DH seems to assume anything he is told is fair to share with anyone else. I tend to assume that personal information is personal, unless explicitly told it is ok to share. I find it surprising that so many here side with DH. Obviously the laws protecting personally identifiable health information apply to medical providers and not family members, but isnt' the principle for those laws based on the recognition that health information is personal and that the person to whom it pertains should decide with whom it is shared?

I definitely have a broader DH frustration here. He wonders why we aren't closer, why I don't feel I can tell me anything on my mind Because I never know what he'll find ok to repeat and even if I tell him something is private he'll make a mistake and forget. It didn't occur to me to tell DH to NOT tell his mom. It's not my health information. I didn't tell him, my mom did.

When we had our first child our health provider gave us the option to both view our child's medical record AND to give each other access to our respective medical health records. We didn't talk about it a ton but both were like "um, that's not really necessary, we can keep our individual health records separate." It hasn't been an issue, but boy am I glad we made that decision! Who knows what he'd find that he'd feel is appropriate to share with his mom or anyone else who asked how I'm doing. "Jenny's BMI is down slightly, but not as much as her doctor had hoped so she's starting new exercise program we're hoping will help with her chronic joint pain." I find it absurd that I'd have to either NOT tell my husband that, OR if I do tell him, explicitly state that this is private information he should NOT share (and then hope he doesn't forget).

I probably sound really snarky here, and I apologize for that. I do sincerely appreciate your response (and all of the others, I know I haven't responded to them all). So interesting to see such different concepts of privacy.

Good lord. He didn't post it on the neighborhood listserve, he told his mother.

Based on your level of concern and histrionics, one would think that he, and his mother had been broadcasting this on the local radio station. But, it appears that none of this has happened. His mother didn't tell your kids, He hasn't mentioned it to anyone else, and neither has she. All of the problems here are entirely of your own making, either through your imagination or because your lied to your MIL. All that needs to be done is to call her, apologize for the misunderstanding, confirm that your mother does have cancer, tell her it isn't for public consumption, and that you haven't told your kids yet. Done.

Also, I may have missed it, but how old are your kids? I understanding shielding little kids, but this may be a huge mistake with older ones.

Finally, you say you have communications problems with your husband - I don't doubt it. Consider that your first instinct, when confronted with something unexpected, was to lie. Your husband appears to be much more open than you are, and it's entirely possible that you are the primary cause of any communications problems.

OP, I know this reads as harsh and I don’t mean to pile on but this bolded is something to look back upon when you are evaluating the communication between your family and your husband. Of course you were flustered and emotional, I totally get that and I feel for you! But your default was to clam up and not be honest. Is this something you have done before? Do you shut down communication often and if so, why? I think it’s a fair point and worthy of self reflection.

I agree with this. Your level of holding information isn't normal - and I say this as someone who, as a kid, who couldn't share anything with my parents for fear of their reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

Thank you PP. It sounds like your MIL and parents have a wonderful relationship. My mom and MIL are cordial but not particularly close. They run into each other occasionally and have friends in common, but that's it. Also, we're still getting the diagnosis worked out so this is all very new and I feel there is a difference between sharing a new diagnosis and asking for an update on something that is broadly known.

You asked if my mother cares whether other people know. Neither DH not I have specifically asked if her diagnosis is something we can share with others in her community. DH seems to assume anything he is told is fair to share with anyone else. I tend to assume that personal information is personal, unless explicitly told it is ok to share. I find it surprising that so many here side with DH. Obviously the laws protecting personally identifiable health information apply to medical providers and not family members, but isnt' the principle for those laws based on the recognition that health information is personal and that the person to whom it pertains should decide with whom it is shared?

I definitely have a broader DH frustration here. He wonders why we aren't closer, why I don't feel I can tell me anything on my mind Because I never know what he'll find ok to repeat and even if I tell him something is private he'll make a mistake and forget. It didn't occur to me to tell DH to NOT tell his mom. It's not my health information. I didn't tell him, my mom did.

When we had our first child our health provider gave us the option to both view our child's medical record AND to give each other access to our respective medical health records. We didn't talk about it a ton but both were like "um, that's not really necessary, we can keep our individual health records separate." It hasn't been an issue, but boy am I glad we made that decision! Who knows what he'd find that he'd feel is appropriate to share with his mom or anyone else who asked how I'm doing. "Jenny's BMI is down slightly, but not as much as her doctor had hoped so she's starting new exercise program we're hoping will help with her chronic joint pain." I find it absurd that I'd have to either NOT tell my husband that, OR if I do tell him, explicitly state that this is private information he should NOT share (and then hope he doesn't forget).

I probably sound really snarky here, and I apologize for that. I do sincerely appreciate your response (and all of the others, I know I haven't responded to them all). So interesting to see such different concepts of privacy.

Good lord. He didn't post it on the neighborhood listserve, he told his mother.

Based on your level of concern and histrionics, one would think that he, and his mother had been broadcasting this on the local radio station. But, it appears that none of this has happened. His mother didn't tell your kids, He hasn't mentioned it to anyone else, and neither has she. All of the problems here are entirely of your own making, either through your imagination or because your lied to your MIL. All that needs to be done is to call her, apologize for the misunderstanding, confirm that your mother does have cancer, tell her it isn't for public consumption, and that you haven't told your kids yet. Done.

Also, I may have missed it, but how old are your kids? I understanding shielding little kids, but this may be a huge mistake with older ones.

Finally, you say you have communications problems with your husband - I don't doubt it. Consider that your first instinct, when confronted with something unexpected, was to lie. Your husband appears to be much more open than you are, and it's entirely possible that you are the primary cause of any communications problems.

OP, I know this reads as harsh and I don’t mean to pile on but this bolded is something to look back upon when you are evaluating the communication between your family and your husband. Of course you were flustered and emotional, I totally get that and I feel for you! But your default was to clam up and not be honest. Is this something you have done before? Do you shut down communication often and if so, why? I think it’s a fair point and worthy of self reflection.

I agree with this. Your level of holding information isn't normal - and I say this as someone who, as a kid, who couldn't share anything with my parents for fear of their reaction.

It may not be what you choose, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t normal. 🙄

OP, this issue is entirely with your husband. I am the same way - I am very private, and would never share someone’s medical history or information when asked how someone is. But others have different life experiences and many don’t share out of disrespect, but rather because they can’t see it any other way (why would this be a secret?!). Like others have said, you need to have a discussion with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

Your Larlo example is appropriate for a child. It's not appropriate for adults. How is YOUR mother doing with her tennis game and understanding Lizzo's lyrics of her latest song and her 65th HS reunion? See how ridiculous that sounds.

It would seem perfectly reasonably to talk about the latest play the grandmother attended, or the game night, or book club, or the volunteering she does with her church, or the trip she is planning this summer or, or, so many other things besides health. Its like you think the only thing happening in a grand parent's life is their health. #ageism?

Ageism?? I can assure you, if my child had cancer and someone asked how he was doing, I wouldn't say, "Oh, his baseball team is doing great!" You are a weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

Your Larlo example is appropriate for a child. It's not appropriate for adults. How is YOUR mother doing with her tennis game and understanding Lizzo's lyrics of her latest song and her 65th HS reunion? See how ridiculous that sounds.

It would seem perfectly reasonably to talk about the latest play the grandmother attended, or the game night, or book club, or the volunteering she does with her church, or the trip she is planning this summer or, or, so many other things besides health. Its like you think the only thing happening in a grand parent's life is their health. #ageism?[/

Ageism?? I can assure you, if my child had cancer and someone asked how he was doing, I wouldn't say, "Oh, his baseball team is doing great!" You are a weirdo.

Agreed. I am the poster whose kid had cancer. If someone asked how she was, it would have gone like this. “You may not have heard, but DD had a brain tumor. She had surgery and now we are in the chemo phase. She is a Wednesday kid. But it is amazing how resilient kids are. She is so young she doesn’t even know she is supposed to be sick. She goes straight from chemo to swim lessons every Wednesday night. You would laugh at the side eye I get from parents that are not aware when I remind her to hop out of the pool if she feels sick. But she is amazing!”

[Anonymous]

You are emotional and upset, understandably so.
However it is making you make rash decisions.
TO DH: hey I did not make it clear, we are telling no one besides the folks who already know. Thanks for keeping this private going forward.
TO MIL: Marge, thanks for asking, she’s doing fine, still working on treatment plan. Just so you know we are keeping this private til we know more. Pls do not mention to anyone, including the kids.
That’s all you had to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your kids the truth, you were caught off guard and responded poorly in the moment. Yes, you should tell MIL the truth. And also tell her that you're not sure how comfortable your mom is with sharing the news, that you didn't know your dh was telling anyone about it, and that you'd appreciate it if she'd keep it private. Your bigger issue here is with dealing with your dh.

OP here and I 100% agree. Honestly, over the years I've noticed I think about whether or not to share some things with him because IMO he lacks common sense about what is private.

You have 500 people in a text thread and have not EXPLICITLY told him no one else gets to know.
That’s your mistake, not his.
We had a parent with cancer, we discussed EXPLICITLY who to tell and no to.
Do not make people guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

It is cancer not a canker sore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am definitely frustrated. I apologize for the snark. I have not meant to be aggressive. I am certainly surprised by the number of responses that seem to be comfortable with somebody sharing another persons health information with other people. I can’t help but wonder if this would be different with slight changes to the circumstances. For example if my sister were pregnant and DH told his sister (who has friends in common with my sister). How many threads are there complaining about somebody sharing pregnancy news that is not their own? In those scenarios the majority has seemed to understand that health information (pregnancy) is for the expectant parents to share, not the excited family members, friends, or anybody else who happens to know. It seems to me the only differences between those threads and this one is the age and the health condition. The fact that health information is being shared by someone other than a person with the health condition remains the same.

That’s different. The news is the expectant couple’s to share so they can have that joy and excitement! I wouldn’t think twice of sharing a cancer diagnosis- word spreading without the patient having to do it is easier on the patient.

[Anonymous]

You are nuts. Plain and simple. What is the point of hiding something like this? Your husband is right, you are beyond weird.

[Anonymous]

OP this is a little messy and your husband was careless, but you’re also overwrought.

Something really bad is happening. Your mom has cancer. Things around that will also go wrong and eggs will be broken. You’ve got to roll with it a bit.

I would just

1) explain to your DH that you think he was wrong to tell his mom and to not share any personal details about your parents going forward.

2) Shoot a text (cc DH) to your MIL saying you haven’t told the kids yet and asking her to keep the whole thing confidential.

3) When you tell your kids, I doubt they’re going to recall or care about the phone convo. But if they bring it up just say “we didn’t have the test results yet” or something.

None of the above is your fault and it all kind of sucks, but it’s definitely just part of this larger shitty thing that you’re going through and not a big deal. You’re focused on seeking justice for yourself and punishing your DH because you want someone to acknowledge how you’re going through this horrible thing and it’s not your fault and it sucks for you. But it would be better to just go directly for that and not try to hinge the support you need on making your DH confess his wrongness in telling his mother or whatever it is you want him to do about it.

[Anonymous]

" How is Larla's mom doing?"
Oh, she is fine, nothing is wrong with her at all.

Two months later/

How is your MIL doing? (BTW, perfectly normal question).
She is almost dead/
How come?
Well, Larla forbid anyone to know about her mom's cancer but she is also upset that nobody seems to care!

[Anonymous]

These kind of secrets have a way of ruining families. Imagine if your DH said, I don't know, she is fine, how would I know how my MIL is doing.
You would be here complaining that he doesn't give a fig!

[Anonymous]

This is YOU issue, not DH and MIL issue.