How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue

[Anonymous]

I get it 100% some people choose to be private. They are processing their diagnosis, frightened, stressed, a whole range of emotions. You are not wrong for protecting your mom. If I’m processing something like that the last thing I would want is someone asking me about it, especially if I’m not ready to talk about it.

I also get your husband not fully seeing the consequences.

I have worked in Cancer care for over 15 years. Everyone processes it differently. Not all cancers are created equal. Some are more aggressive than others. So for people to try to compare their experiences is irrelevant. Even if it’s the same cancer and they want to compare it is irrelevant.

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer at Christmas. Worst Christmas ever. I have not told my kids. In my grief I did mention it to my aunts. I wish I had not. if my mom wanted them to know she would have told them herself.

There are times where I’ve had patients (kids and very elderly) and the families do not tell them they have cancer. Sometimes the patient kinda knows but if you say cancer they would lose it.

There was also a time not too long ago where people would not say the word Cancer. They would say the big C or use other names for it.

It’s tricky—-reach out to your MIL. Go light on blaming your husband and leave it out if possible. You want her to not mention it and you can handle the kids. That part will be fine—-when you do choose to tell them be honest.

I have a very observant 8 yo and she worries and stresses about others. I have to be very careful on how And when I say things.

Turns out my moms cancer wasn’t bad and at this time there is no need for my kids to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your follow up is a little troubling in that you seem to think you have no responsibility in what happened, that your default to lying was totally rational instead of a mistake, that MIL did something wrong by saying something in front of your kids (when she had no reason not to think the kids knew) and that your mother wasn’t capable of telling your husband herself that she wanted the information kept confidential. I think there’s a lot to unpack here but I do think some self reflection about your own role in this is in order and that your feelings towards your husband are unfair and misplaced.

I do take responsibility for lying to my kids. I'm frustrated that DH did something (told his mom) which resulted in me being in a bad situation where I made a bad choice. My choices were either do a bad job of telling my kids because I'm not prepared (meaning I haven't thought through how to phrase this) and they end up worried about grandma, or I lie to them. Frankly, the choice I made came down to which one hurts them less in the short term. I should have just told them then and there. I feared failing them in that moment and instead failed them even more. I realize that. I take responsibility for that. I'm still mad at DP for starting the chain of events that led to that situation. But yes I made the wrong choice in that situation.

The more I have thought about it, how was it a good idea for MIL to bring this up at all on Mother's Day? She doesn't know how serious the cancer is or isn't. So, dear DIL and grandkids, lets talk about how your mom/grandma may or may not be dying. That's a great Mother's Day topic. A better approach would have been to ask how my mom is doing and let me bring up cancer if I wanted.

I don't see how I'm responsible for telling DH what he should and shouldn't tell his mom. It seems to keep being assumed that I told DH my mom has cancer. My mom told all her kids and their partners via text. It would have been weird for me to think "mom has cancer, better tell dh NOT to tell his mom." When we did talk about not telling the kids yet that would have been a great time for him to tell me he'd told his mom. It seems reasonable for me to expect him to think through what could happen when he tells his mom. Given that our moms know a lot of the same people, would his mom bring this up to other people? Would his mom tell our kids? Hell, would his mom bring this up to me and how would I feel about that given that I don't know he's told his mom?

I guess this is the one thread in this forum where the vast, vast majority of families are harmonious, supportive, and close and share everything with everyone all the time. Welcome to Lake Wobegan (and I say that with good humor, not snark)!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it 100% some people choose to be private. They are processing their diagnosis, frightened, stressed, a whole range of emotions. You are not wrong for protecting your mom. If I’m processing something like that the last thing I would want is someone asking me about it, especially if I’m not ready to talk about it.

I also get your husband not fully seeing the consequences.

I have worked in Cancer care for over 15 years. Everyone processes it differently. Not all cancers are created equal. Some are more aggressive than others. So for people to try to compare their experiences is irrelevant. Even if it’s the same cancer and they want to compare it is irrelevant.

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer at Christmas. Worst Christmas ever. I have not told my kids. In my grief I did mention it to my aunts. I wish I had not. if my mom wanted them to know she would have told them herself.

There are times where I’ve had patients (kids and very elderly) and the families do not tell them they have cancer. Sometimes the patient kinda knows but if you say cancer they would lose it.

There was also a time not too long ago where people would not say the word Cancer. They would say the big C or use other names for it.

It’s tricky—-reach out to your MIL. Go light on blaming your husband and leave it out if possible. You want her to not mention it and you can handle the kids. That part will be fine—-when you do choose to tell them be honest.

I have a very observant 8 yo and she worries and stresses about others. I have to be very careful on how And when I say things.

Turns out my moms cancer wasn’t bad and at this time there is no need for my kids to know.

OP again. Thank you. You (and a few others) get where I'm coming from. Thank you for reminding me there was a time people didn't even tell patients they had cancer. Sharing more of my dad's dysfunctional family here, but back in the 50s or 60s my dad's mom had cancer. Her doctor told her son (my uncle). Neither of them told my grandma. Well, she sure found out when my uncle drove her to an appointment at a cancer research institute with a big old "Cancer Research Institute" sign out front. Man those times (or just my uncle and my grandma's doctor) were messed up!

[Anonymous]

Yes your mother and MIL are family. They also share blood- their grandkids. Mine never see each other but do ask about their well-being. Also, if my mom had cancer, my in-laws would step up to be there for the kids too.

I would tell my mom if my MIL had cancer and I’m not a gossip. It’s factual information. Also, most people want cancer news like this spread lovingly from person to person. It’s a big burden for someone who is sick or dying to have to tell others about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your follow up is a little troubling in that you seem to think you have no responsibility in what happened, that your default to lying was totally rational instead of a mistake, that MIL did something wrong by saying something in front of your kids (when she had no reason not to think the kids knew) and that your mother wasn’t capable of telling your husband herself that she wanted the information kept confidential. I think there’s a lot to unpack here but I do think some self reflection about your own role in this is in order and that your feelings towards your husband are unfair and misplaced.

I do take responsibility for lying to my kids. I'm frustrated that DH did something (told his mom) which resulted in me being in a bad situation where I made a bad choice. My choices were either do a bad job of telling my kids because I'm not prepared (meaning I haven't thought through how to phrase this) and they end up worried about grandma, or I lie to them. Frankly, the choice I made came down to which one hurts them less in the short term. I should have just told them then and there. I feared failing them in that moment and instead failed them even more. I realize that. I take responsibility for that. I'm still mad at DP for starting the chain of events that led to that situation. But yes I made the wrong choice in that situation.

The more I have thought about it, how was it a good idea for MIL to bring this up at all on Mother's Day? She doesn't know how serious the cancer is or isn't. So, dear DIL and grandkids, lets talk about how your mom/grandma may or may not be dying. That's a great Mother's Day topic. A better approach would have been to ask how my mom is doing and let me bring up cancer if I wanted.

I don't see how I'm responsible for telling DH what he should and shouldn't tell his mom. It seems to keep being assumed that I told DH my mom has cancer. My mom told all her kids and their partners via text. It would have been weird for me to think "mom has cancer, better tell dh NOT to tell his mom." When we did talk about not telling the kids yet that would have been a great time for him to tell me he'd told his mom. It seems reasonable for me to expect him to think through what could happen when he tells his mom. Given that our moms know a lot of the same people, would his mom bring this up to other people? Would his mom tell our kids? Hell, would his mom bring this up to me and how would I feel about that given that I don't know he's told his mom?

I guess this is the one thread in this forum where the vast, vast majority of families are harmonious, supportive, and close and share everything with everyone all the time. Welcome to Lake Wobegan (and I say that with good humor, not snark)!

Your histrionic personality must be a huge burden for you to carry and exhausting for you, your husband and your children. Please, for your own and your children's’ sakes, seek some mental health. Your spinning, your twisting yourself like a pretzel into knots over everything isn’t healthy and doesn’t mirror what healthy mindset is for your children. Do you want your children to have this much anxiety and histrionics and inability to communicate when they’re adults? Because you’re giving them a front row seat how it’s done. Free yourself, it’s never too late.

I’m 100% serious. It must be miserable to live this way.

[Anonymous]

This seems pretty straightforward to me. OP’s DH shared the bad, frightening cancer news with his mom as almost anyone who grew up in a loving or semi-loving, functional family would, for the all the normal, healthy reasons one does in that scenario. This enables his mom to better support her child, DIL, grandkids, and OP’s mom. OP wanted to control this information because she was not raised in a functional household and doesn’t seem to understand how “the village” works. Information can often be viewed as a weapon in that sort of childhood. From the follow up posts, it seems likely that OP, while decrying the behavior of her abusive dad, is trying to import dysfunctional ways of dealing with things into her own marriage in a pretty controlling way. Trying to use HIPAA as a parallel and justification was really something else.

OP, I hope you get some real therapy and don’t rely on DCUM therapy. You are attacking the well-intentioned people in your family for no good reason and doing so at a time when you and your mom could use their support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your follow up is a little troubling in that you seem to think you have no responsibility in what happened, that your default to lying was totally rational instead of a mistake, that MIL did something wrong by saying something in front of your kids (when she had no reason not to think the kids knew) and that your mother wasn’t capable of telling your husband herself that she wanted the information kept confidential. I think there’s a lot to unpack here but I do think some self reflection about your own role in this is in order and that your feelings towards your husband are unfair and misplaced.

I do take responsibility for lying to my kids. I'm frustrated that DH did something (told his mom) which resulted in me being in a bad situation where I made a bad choice. My choices were either do a bad job of telling my kids because I'm not prepared (meaning I haven't thought through how to phrase this) and they end up worried about grandma, or I lie to them. Frankly, the choice I made came down to which one hurts them less in the short term. I should have just told them then and there. I feared failing them in that moment and instead failed them even more. I realize that. I take responsibility for that. I'm still mad at DP for starting the chain of events that led to that situation. But yes I made the wrong choice in that situation.

The more I have thought about it, how was it a good idea for MIL to bring this up at all on Mother's Day? She doesn't know how serious the cancer is or isn't. So, dear DIL and grandkids, lets talk about how your mom/grandma may or may not be dying. That's a great Mother's Day topic. A better approach would have been to ask how my mom is doing and let me bring up cancer if I wanted.

I don't see how I'm responsible for telling DH what he should and shouldn't tell his mom. It seems to keep being assumed that I told DH my mom has cancer. My mom told all her kids and their partners via text. It would have been weird for me to think "mom has cancer, better tell dh NOT to tell his mom." When we did talk about not telling the kids yet that would have been a great time for him to tell me he'd told his mom. It seems reasonable for me to expect him to think through what could happen when he tells his mom. Given that our moms know a lot of the same people, would his mom bring this up to other people? Would his mom tell our kids? Hell, would his mom bring this up to me and how would I feel about that given that I don't know he's told his mom?

I guess this is the one thread in this forum where the vast, vast majority of families are harmonious, supportive, and close and share everything with everyone all the time. Welcome to Lake Wobegan (and I say that with good humor, not snark)!

Your histrionic personality must be a huge burden for you to carry and exhausting for you, your husband and your children. Please, for your own and your children's’ sakes, seek some mental health. Your spinning, your twisting yourself like a pretzel into knots over everything isn’t healthy and doesn’t mirror what healthy mindset is for your children. Do you want your children to have this much anxiety and histrionics and inability to communicate when they’re adults? Because you’re giving them a front row seat how it’s done. Free yourself, it’s never too late.

I’m 100% serious. It must be miserable to live this way.

Oh, stick your idiocy and your faux solicitousness in your ear.

(not OP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your follow up is a little troubling in that you seem to think you have no responsibility in what happened, that your default to lying was totally rational instead of a mistake, that MIL did something wrong by saying something in front of your kids (when she had no reason not to think the kids knew) and that your mother wasn’t capable of telling your husband herself that she wanted the information kept confidential. I think there’s a lot to unpack here but I do think some self reflection about your own role in this is in order and that your feelings towards your husband are unfair and misplaced.

I do take responsibility for lying to my kids. I'm frustrated that DH did something (told his mom) which resulted in me being in a bad situation where I made a bad choice. My choices were either do a bad job of telling my kids because I'm not prepared (meaning I haven't thought through how to phrase this) and they end up worried about grandma, or I lie to them. Frankly, the choice I made came down to which one hurts them less in the short term. I should have just told them then and there. I feared failing them in that moment and instead failed them even more. I realize that. I take responsibility for that. I'm still mad at DP for starting the chain of events that led to that situation. But yes I made the wrong choice in that situation.

The more I have thought about it, how was it a good idea for MIL to bring this up at all on Mother's Day? She doesn't know how serious the cancer is or isn't. So, dear DIL and grandkids, lets talk about how your mom/grandma may or may not be dying. That's a great Mother's Day topic. A better approach would have been to ask how my mom is doing and let me bring up cancer if I wanted.

I don't see how I'm responsible for telling DH what he should and shouldn't tell his mom. It seems to keep being assumed that I told DH my mom has cancer. My mom told all her kids and their partners via text. It would have been weird for me to think "mom has cancer, better tell dh NOT to tell his mom." When we did talk about not telling the kids yet that would have been a great time for him to tell me he'd told his mom. It seems reasonable for me to expect him to think through what could happen when he tells his mom. Given that our moms know a lot of the same people, would his mom bring this up to other people? Would his mom tell our kids? Hell, would his mom bring this up to me and how would I feel about that given that I don't know he's told his mom?

I guess this is the one thread in this forum where the vast, vast majority of families are harmonious, supportive, and close and share everything with everyone all the time. Welcome to Lake Wobegan (and I say that with good humor, not snark)!

Your histrionic personality must be a huge burden for you to carry and exhausting for you, your husband and your children. Please, for your own and your children's’ sakes, seek some mental health. Your spinning, your twisting yourself like a pretzel into knots over everything isn’t healthy and doesn’t mirror what healthy mindset is for your children. Do you want your children to have this much anxiety and histrionics and inability to communicate when they’re adults? Because you’re giving them a front row seat how it’s done. Free yourself, it’s never too late.

I’m 100% serious. It must be miserable to live this way.

Huh. What gives you the idea I have an inability to communicate? I talked to DH about when to tell our kids. We agreed not to tell them yet (for the reasons I've explained previously) and that we'd agree on when to tell them. DH now tells me he didn't really think waiting was a good idea but HE didn't communicate that. DH also didn't communicate to me that he'd previously told his mom, or that he'd even talked to his mom recently.
Not that I need to know when he talks to his mom, but maybe if I'd known I would have asked if my mom came up in that conversation. I don't know. That's not normally a question I'd ask. I certainly would have asked about his parents and if there was anything particularly noteworthy about the conversation. Maybe that wouldn't have triggered DH's memory that he'd talked about my mom having cancer? But again, DH didn't communicate with me this conversation even happened. The only people I thought DH would possibly mention this around are our kids, so I made a point of asking him not to do that. His mom that he speaks to very infrequently didn't cross my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems pretty straightforward to me. OP’s DH shared the bad, frightening cancer news with his mom as almost anyone who grew up in a loving or semi-loving, functional family would, for the all the normal, healthy reasons one does in that scenario. This enables his mom to better support her child, DIL, grandkids, and OP’s mom. OP wanted to control this information because she was not raised in a functional household and doesn’t seem to understand how “the village” works. Information can often be viewed as a weapon in that sort of childhood. From the follow up posts, it seems likely that OP, while decrying the behavior of her abusive dad, is trying to import dysfunctional ways of dealing with things into her own marriage in a pretty controlling way. Trying to use HIPAA as a parallel and justification was really something else.

OP, I hope you get some real therapy and don’t rely on DCUM therapy. You are attacking the well-intentioned people in your family for no good reason and doing so at a time when you and your mom could use their support.

Well, one thing I eventually learned from my dysfunctional family is that claiming to have good intentions does NOT excuse hurtful outcomes and that one has responsibility for the impact of one's actions regardless of how well intended they are.

[Anonymous]

Wow. So now OP’s husband is supposed to relay his conversations with his mom word-for-word to OP. It’s pretty clear that OP is the controlling one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

Thank you PP. It sounds like your MIL and parents have a wonderful relationship. My mom and MIL are cordial but not particularly close. They run into each other occasionally and have friends in common, but that's it. Also, we're still getting the diagnosis worked out so this is all very new and I feel there is a difference between sharing a new diagnosis and asking for an update on something that is broadly known.

You asked if my mother cares whether other people know. Neither DH not I have specifically asked if her diagnosis is something we can share with others in her community. DH seems to assume anything he is told is fair to share with anyone else. I tend to assume that personal information is personal, unless explicitly told it is ok to share. I find it surprising that so many here side with DH. Obviously the laws protecting personally identifiable health information apply to medical providers and not family members, but isnt' the principle for those laws based on the recognition that health information is personal and that the person to whom it pertains should decide with whom it is shared?

I definitely have a broader DH frustration here. He wonders why we aren't closer, why I don't feel I can tell me anything on my mind Because I never know what he'll find ok to repeat and even if I tell him something is private he'll make a mistake and forget. It didn't occur to me to tell DH to NOT tell his mom. It's not my health information. I didn't tell him, my mom did.

When we had our first child our health provider gave us the option to both view our child's medical record AND to give each other access to our respective medical health records. We didn't talk about it a ton but both were like "um, that's not really necessary, we can keep our individual health records separate." It hasn't been an issue, but boy am I glad we made that decision! Who knows what he'd find that he'd feel is appropriate to share with his mom or anyone else who asked how I'm doing. "Jenny's BMI is down slightly, but not as much as her doctor had hoped so she's starting new exercise program we're hoping will help with her chronic joint pain." I find it absurd that I'd have to either NOT tell my husband that, OR if I do tell him, explicitly state that this is private information he should NOT share (and then hope he doesn't forget).

I probably sound really snarky here, and I apologize for that. I do sincerely appreciate your response (and all of the others, I know I haven't responded to them all). So interesting to see such different concepts of privacy.

Good lord. He didn't post it on the neighborhood listserve, he told his mother.

Based on your level of concern and histrionics, one would think that he, and his mother had been broadcasting this on the local radio station. But, it appears that none of this has happened. His mother didn't tell your kids, He hasn't mentioned it to anyone else, and neither has she. All of the problems here are entirely of your own making, either through your imagination or because your lied to your MIL. All that needs to be done is to call her, apologize for the misunderstanding, confirm that your mother does have cancer, tell her it isn't for public consumption, and that you haven't told your kids yet. Done.

Also, I may have missed it, but how old are your kids? I understanding shielding little kids, but this may be a huge mistake with older ones.

Finally, you say you have communications problems with your husband - I don't doubt it. Consider that your first instinct, when confronted with something unexpected, was to lie. Your husband appears to be much more open than you are, and it's entirely possible that you are the primary cause of any communications problems.

OP, I know this reads as harsh and I don’t mean to pile on but this bolded is something to look back upon when you are evaluating the communication between your family and your husband. Of course you were flustered and emotional, I totally get that and I feel for you! But your default was to clam up and not be honest. Is this something you have done before? Do you shut down communication often and if so, why? I think it’s a fair point and worthy of self reflection.

I agree with this. Your level of holding information isn't normal - and I say this as someone who, as a kid, who couldn't share anything with my parents for fear of their reaction.

It may not be what you choose, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t normal. 🙄

OP, this issue is entirely with your husband. I am the same way - I am very private, and would never share someone’s medical history or information when asked how someone is. But others have different life experiences and many don’t share out of disrespect, but rather because they can’t see it any other way (why would this be a secret?!). Like others have said, you need to have a discussion with your spouse.

I’m with you. I would never share news of someone’s new pregnancy, serious illness, etc with another mutual friend or family member. Its up to the person dealing with it to decide who they want to know about it. If your mother does not want everyone knowing she has cancer or wants to tell people herself it is not your husbands right to spread this information. While I understand people have different views about this I’m surprised at how many people don’t see the issue with it. I would think, if someone tells you an important piece of personal information, you shouldn’t go spreading that info around unless you are sure they don’t care who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems pretty straightforward to me. OP’s DH shared the bad, frightening cancer news with his mom as almost anyone who grew up in a loving or semi-loving, functional family would, for the all the normal, healthy reasons one does in that scenario. This enables his mom to better support her child, DIL, grandkids, and OP’s mom. OP wanted to control this information because she was not raised in a functional household and doesn’t seem to understand how “the village” works. Information can often be viewed as a weapon in that sort of childhood. From the follow up posts, it seems likely that OP, while decrying the behavior of her abusive dad, is trying to import dysfunctional ways of dealing with things into her own marriage in a pretty controlling way. Trying to use HIPAA as a parallel and justification was really something else.

OP, I hope you get some real therapy and don’t rely on DCUM therapy. You are attacking the well-intentioned people in your family for no good reason and doing so at a time when you and your mom could use their support.

I think all of this should be up to what the mom with cancer wants. If she doesn’t want her diagnosis to be public knowledge yet that’s understandable and the people that do know should respect her privacy. It doesn’t matter what OP or DH thinks is “normal”. In a functional family, you would honor someone’s privacy if they requested it in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. So now OP’s husband is supposed to relay his conversations with his mom word-for-word to OP. It’s pretty clear that OP is the controlling one.

I explicitly said I do NOT expect DH to tell me every time he talks to his mom. Asking about his parents and anything particularly noteworthy is just being interested in DH and his family. That's hardly expecting DH to relay his conversations word-for-word.

I was responding to the comment that I have an inability to communicate. IF I had known about that DH had talked to his mom then MAYBE I would have had a chance to communicate with DH about whether he's shared that my mom has cancer. But I didn't know about the conversation so I had no opportunity to communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

Thank you PP. It sounds like your MIL and parents have a wonderful relationship. My mom and MIL are cordial but not particularly close. They run into each other occasionally and have friends in common, but that's it. Also, we're still getting the diagnosis worked out so this is all very new and I feel there is a difference between sharing a new diagnosis and asking for an update on something that is broadly known.

You asked if my mother cares whether other people know. Neither DH not I have specifically asked if her diagnosis is something we can share with others in her community. DH seems to assume anything he is told is fair to share with anyone else. I tend to assume that personal information is personal, unless explicitly told it is ok to share. I find it surprising that so many here side with DH. Obviously the laws protecting personally identifiable health information apply to medical providers and not family members, but isnt' the principle for those laws based on the recognition that health information is personal and that the person to whom it pertains should decide with whom it is shared?

I definitely have a broader DH frustration here. He wonders why we aren't closer, why I don't feel I can tell me anything on my mind Because I never know what he'll find ok to repeat and even if I tell him something is private he'll make a mistake and forget. It didn't occur to me to tell DH to NOT tell his mom. It's not my health information. I didn't tell him, my mom did.

When we had our first child our health provider gave us the option to both view our child's medical record AND to give each other access to our respective medical health records. We didn't talk about it a ton but both were like "um, that's not really necessary, we can keep our individual health records separate." It hasn't been an issue, but boy am I glad we made that decision! Who knows what he'd find that he'd feel is appropriate to share with his mom or anyone else who asked how I'm doing. "Jenny's BMI is down slightly, but not as much as her doctor had hoped so she's starting new exercise program we're hoping will help with her chronic joint pain." I find it absurd that I'd have to either NOT tell my husband that, OR if I do tell him, explicitly state that this is private information he should NOT share (and then hope he doesn't forget).

I probably sound really snarky here, and I apologize for that. I do sincerely appreciate your response (and all of the others, I know I haven't responded to them all). So interesting to see such different concepts of privacy.

Good lord. He didn't post it on the neighborhood listserve, he told his mother.

Based on your level of concern and histrionics, one would think that he, and his mother had been broadcasting this on the local radio station. But, it appears that none of this has happened. His mother didn't tell your kids, He hasn't mentioned it to anyone else, and neither has she. All of the problems here are entirely of your own making, either through your imagination or because your lied to your MIL. All that needs to be done is to call her, apologize for the misunderstanding, confirm that your mother does have cancer, tell her it isn't for public consumption, and that you haven't told your kids yet. Done.

Also, I may have missed it, but how old are your kids? I understanding shielding little kids, but this may be a huge mistake with older ones.

Finally, you say you have communications problems with your husband - I don't doubt it. Consider that your first instinct, when confronted with something unexpected, was to lie. Your husband appears to be much more open than you are, and it's entirely possible that you are the primary cause of any communications problems.

OP, I know this reads as harsh and I don’t mean to pile on but this bolded is something to look back upon when you are evaluating the communication between your family and your husband. Of course you were flustered and emotional, I totally get that and I feel for you! But your default was to clam up and not be honest. Is this something you have done before? Do you shut down communication often and if so, why? I think it’s a fair point and worthy of self reflection.

I agree with this. Your level of holding information isn't normal - and I say this as someone who, as a kid, who couldn't share anything with my parents for fear of their reaction.

It may not be what you choose, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t normal. 🙄

OP, this issue is entirely with your husband. I am the same way - I am very private, and would never share someone’s medical history or information when asked how someone is. But others have different life experiences and many don’t share out of disrespect, but rather because they can’t see it any other way (why would this be a secret?!). Like others have said, you need to have a discussion with your spouse.

I’m with you. I would never share news of someone’s new pregnancy, serious illness, etc with another mutual friend or family member. Its up to the person dealing with it to decide who they want to know about it. If your mother does not want everyone knowing she has cancer or wants to tell people herself it is not your husbands right to spread this information. While I understand people have different views about this I’m surprised at how many people don’t see the issue with it. I would think, if someone tells you an important piece of personal information, you shouldn’t go spreading that info around unless you are sure they don’t care who knows.

To both of the two most immediate PPs, hello kindred spirits! Nice to find you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems pretty straightforward to me. OP’s DH shared the bad, frightening cancer news with his mom as almost anyone who grew up in a loving or semi-loving, functional family would, for the all the normal, healthy reasons one does in that scenario. This enables his mom to better support her child, DIL, grandkids, and OP’s mom. OP wanted to control this information because she was not raised in a functional household and doesn’t seem to understand how “the village” works. Information can often be viewed as a weapon in that sort of childhood. From the follow up posts, it seems likely that OP, while decrying the behavior of her abusive dad, is trying to import dysfunctional ways of dealing with things into her own marriage in a pretty controlling way. Trying to use HIPAA as a parallel and justification was really something else.

OP, I hope you get some real therapy and don’t rely on DCUM therapy. You are attacking the well-intentioned people in your family for no good reason and doing so at a time when you and your mom could use their support.

+ a million