Twin play date, one twin left out…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

NP. I think what is off putting here is the assumption by some twin moms that there are no non-twin siblings in the world that could possibly be as bonded/close as their twins. I hope that twin parents that feel both twins should be invited to everything are also inviting all siblings on playdates at their house. To the PP above who mentioned that it’s different with twins because they are used to getting all of the same things (ice cream and backpacks) – this is the case with all siblings who are close in age. My two DDs are almost 2 years apart. Their birthdays are a few days apart. They are absolutely used to getting the same things at the same time. They definitely complain that it’s not fair if one is having a playdate and they aren’t. That’s life.

OP, it would be incredibly rude to ask to include your son. The fact that your son “might not take it well” doesn’t justify imposing on this other mom who, understandably, didn’t feel like she needed to include the opposite gender sibling that isn’t even in her kid’s class. There are many things that kids don’t take well, but they still have to deal with it. If you feel this is going to be too problematic, I think you just need to turn down playdate invites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you organize a play date for DD&friend at your house that precedes this event? Tell you son DD is having her friend over and that he should "hi" and then you two will have some mother/son activity while the girls play. That way you can ease him into the idea of his sister having another friend without it being in separate homes. He won't be uninvited or excluded as his first foray into the scenario.

And for all you calling thoughtful OP names, dealing with "package deals" is a life skill too. How many of you have had a relative/friend marry a not-so-cool spouse and have to deal with the "package deal"?

Not the same. Family is, well, family. Elementary friendships are not on the same level.

Okay have you ever had a friend make a new friend or friend get a boyfriend/girlfriend that was... well to the detriment of the social experience? This WILL happen when one person starts dating. This will also happen when childhood friends get to middle school and one fits better into a different circle now that their options are more than next door neighbor. How about in elementary school when a new kid transfers and friend A wants to hang out as a threesome, versus the attention Friend B got when it was just the two of them. "Packages" happen, yes even in elementary school.

[Anonymous]

I’m a twin mom and it’s true that 3 doesn’t work. We did four which worked well. But the vitriol against twins is real. Separate those kids at all cost and don’t bring them to my house! Especially I got this from parents of the oldest/ first born.
I never did 3 ( or very very seldom) because I had a strong twin group and big houses. But the anger always astonished me.
BTW mine went to separate HS and separate colleges. It will happen on its own without the scolding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

+1 (fellow twin mom). Have a heart for OP who is just trying to protect her little boy’s feelings if there is a way to do so.

+2 and it’s really hard continuing to hear non twin parents insist it’s just like siblings. Realize that all the twin moms are universally saying it is NOT like different age siblings and that maybe you do not know or understand because it has not been your lived experience.

DP but the twins are in different classrooms. Does the host even know the other twin? Why would the host child be expected to play with another kid at their house who they probably don't know well? From that perspective it is like any other sibling. If the kids were all in the same class maybe it would be different. And the b/g thing would give me pause. At that age my kids really only wanted to play with same sex friends, as did almost all of their friends.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a little weird that OP has had this child over to play with both of her kids and now the child's mom is only inviting one twin over to the friend's house.

I would decline the play date and organize another set of play dates - one for each twin, separately with separate friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The twins need to learn that sometimes things are separate.

This is a typical attitude. Did I ask you how to raise your kid? Maybe it’s time for your kid to … just fill in the blank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

+1 (fellow twin mom). Have a heart for OP who is just trying to protect her little boy’s feelings if there is a way to do so.

+2 and it’s really hard continuing to hear non twin parents insist it’s just like siblings. Realize that all the twin moms are universally saying it is NOT like different age siblings and that maybe you do not know or understand because it has not been your lived experience.

DP but the twins are in different classrooms. Does the host even know the other twin? Why would the host child be expected to play with another kid at their house who they probably don't know well? From that perspective it is like any other sibling. If the kids were all in the same class maybe it would be different. And the b/g thing would give me pause. At that age my kids really only wanted to play with same sex friends, as did almost all of their friends.

OP said she had this kid over to play with her twins at her house, so yes, the kid and the mom both know the twins. That's where it gets a bit weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

Fair enough PP as you have a right to your perspective. But here is another one. My DD is in high school and there are naturally a number of sets of twins. She has commented to me a few times how odd it is that a few of the twin pairs are polite but that they are not open to friendships with others beyond their twin. This seems to be especially true with g/g twins. So "twin mom", please do celebrate the twin bond that your children have but do not put them at a disadvantage socially. Twins like every child need to be open to relationships with others.

[Anonymous]

OP Here, I didn't realize this thread got crazy after the first page lol. So here is the update:

After I posted here I re-read the mom message and realized that she had suggested I could join them as an option. So I offered to join them with the other twin so we can all get to know each other before I sent DD alone next time and it was well received.

Now everyone can calm down or call me names? DCUrbanmoms never disappoint lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do what you want. It happened in my neighborhood and rubbed some people the wrong way, so some chose to invite neither twin. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I think this happens a lot. Parents of twins who insist on togetherness view them as one entity whereas everyone else sees two kids. The parents who try to force the twins to do everything together are inadvertently shrinking their world. Play dates are just one example, but every child needs relationships that are independent of their siblings—especially twins! It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that they have such a “strong bond” that they can’t be apart. (And the line between strong bond and codependency gets very blurry.)

Well yea, if you never give them the opportunity…

Seriously twin parents are perfectly capable of managing this without your help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

NP. I think what is off putting here is the assumption by some twin moms that there are no non-twin siblings in the world that could possibly be as bonded/close as their twins. I hope that twin parents that feel both twins should be invited to everything are also inviting all siblings on playdates at their house. To the PP above who mentioned that it’s different with twins because they are used to getting all of the same things (ice cream and backpacks) – this is the case with all siblings who are close in age. My two DDs are almost 2 years apart. Their birthdays are a few days apart. They are absolutely used to getting the same things at the same time. They definitely complain that it’s not fair if one is having a playdate and they aren’t. That’s life.

OP, it would be incredibly rude to ask to include your son. The fact that your son “might not take it well” doesn’t justify imposing on this other mom who, understandably, didn’t feel like she needed to include the opposite gender sibling that isn’t even in her kid’s class. There are many things that kids don’t take well, but they still have to deal with it. If you feel this is going to be too problematic, I think you just need to turn down playdate invites.

Twin bond is different than siblings. Sorry, but it's true. I have identical twins and it is not the same as regular siblings, no matter how hard you are going to try and say it is. Read "One and the Same" by Abigail Pogrebin and educate yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably say yes just to avoid conflict and then never invite your kids to another thing again, because you would have demonstrated a fundamental lack of boundaries.

this +100
It would have nothing to do with your twins and everything to do with not wanting to deal with a mom who is that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DP but the twins are in different classrooms. Does the host even know the other twin? Why would the host child be expected to play with another kid at their house who they probably don't know well? From that perspective it is like any other sibling. If the kids were all in the same class maybe it would be different. And the b/g thing would give me pause. At that age my kids really only wanted to play with same sex friends, as did almost all of their friends.

Yes, the other mom knows the twin. The OP said that the three kids have had playdates together. Both her kids see the other girl as a friend.

It could be that the other girl is not interested in playing with the boy twin but has been nice and done fine with both kids in the past. The twins read it as the girl is both of their friends and the other girl wants to be friends with just the girl twin.

OP is trying to navigate a difficult path because the twins see this child as a mutual friend and the boy is going to feel hurt.

[Anonymous]

So twin parents, if you invite your Kindergartener's friend over for a playdate and the parent accepts but then asks if their child can bring their best friend who your child doesn't know, you'd be okay with that? Because that is essentially what you are asking the host to accept.

I hear you saying that separate invites are hard for twins, but that is something that you have to manage - it isn't up to the host to solve the issue for you. My child is 10 and still doesn't do well in groups of 3. It happens sometimes when she is playing with neighborhood friends, but I would not purposefully schedule a hangout with that dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do what you want. It happened in my neighborhood and rubbed some people the wrong way, so some chose to invite neither twin. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I think this happens a lot. Parents of twins who insist on togetherness view them as one entity whereas everyone else sees two kids. The parents who try to force the twins to do everything together are inadvertently shrinking their world. Play dates are just one example, but every child needs relationships that are independent of their siblings—especially twins! It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that they have such a “strong bond” that they can’t be apart. (And the line between strong bond and codependency gets very blurry.)

Well yea, if you never give them the opportunity…

Seriously twin parents are perfectly capable of managing this without your help.

+1000000000000000000000000000000