Twin play date, one twin left out…

[Anonymous]

We used to have plat dates with four once in awhile. Twins plus each had a friend. But it’s four.

[Anonymous]

I would extend this to any sibling, not just twins. One of DS' friends has a sibling a year younger and their mom always asks if the younger one can come, too. No, I don't want to have to watch all three of them, and the dynamic always changes when the younger one is there (much more attention hungry).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

I'm the one with the 11yo twins. Your comment is over the top. My kids have bond. It's great to see them interact with each other, but they have seperate interests too. Being with other people without their twin gives them a chance to explore their personality. And being apart makes coming back together all the more fun.

[Anonymous]

No way. They are in elementary school now. Kids can be dropped off, are party trained. Plus your twins are boy girl twins.

Set up a separate play date for your boy twin or take him on an outing.

I do not have twins but my boys are 2 years apart. There was a period of time when my younger DS would get so upset about older DS going to a birthday party or play date without him that I would rather not go to the party at all. Now my boys are 10 and 12 and the 10yo is the much more social one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would extend this to any sibling, not just twins. One of DS' friends has a sibling a year younger and their mom always asks if the younger one can come, too. No, I don't want to have to watch all three of them, and the dynamic always changes when the younger one is there (much more attention hungry).

Yup. I know a mom who leeches her younger kid on everyone too and that kid is THREE YEARS younger. Literally has to go everywhere the older sister goes!

[Anonymous]

I don’t have the same visceral reaction that many posters do. If you could logistically only make it work if both went, I’d ask… I don’t think asking is rude. But I wouldn’t do it if it’s only about B twin having something to do/not feeling bad. 3 kid play dates are awkward and the twin dynamic can easily make the inviting kid feel like the outsider in the triangle. If that happens, your kid won’t get an invite again.

[Anonymous]

If I were doing the inviting, I would not think it was rude, and your child would be welcome to come (especially because we wouldn't do a drop off playdate in Kindergarten). That said, I agree with everyone else's advice that it's a good opportunity to start separating them.

[Anonymous]

The dynamic can totally change with 3 kids vs 2. Also, you’re basically foisting your son onto their paydate if you ask if he can come, because it would be awkward for the other mom to refuse. Have him stay home or find another activity for him to do and use this as a learning opportunity for him.

[Anonymous]

Twin mom here - 12 yo g/g

No, don't ask. Your kids need to have friendships outside of their sibling relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have the same visceral reaction that many posters do. If you could logistically only make it work if both went, I’d ask… I don’t think asking is rude. But I wouldn’t do it if it’s only about B twin having something to do/not feeling bad. 3 kid play dates are awkward and the twin dynamic can easily make the inviting kid feel like the outsider in the triangle. If that happens, your kid won’t get an invite again.

This. The dynamic of a three-person playdate can be very different in any case, and with twins, it's possible that the host kid is the one left out. And the last sentence is key -- either the inviting parent will say no to the twin (awkward) or they'll say yes, but if there are any problems on the playdate, they'll just never invite your kids again. Your kids are old enough to understand that they don't have to do everything together, and to develop their own friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dynamic can totally change with 3 kids vs 2. Also, you’re basically foisting your son onto their paydate if you ask if he can come, because it would be awkward for the other mom to refuse. Have him stay home or find another activity for him to do and use this as a learning opportunity for him.

I agree that if you ask, it's really hard for the other mom to say no. So she'll say yes this time, but then she just won't invite either of your kids again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

Hi OP.

I have twins. At some point twins need to become individuals. This playdate is a good place to start.

Yes, it will be hard for you to deal with at first, but it is what you need to do for your children to grow.

[Anonymous]

Is the real reason that you want childcare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a weirdo. If your kids were one year apart in age would you insist that they both do everything together always and with everyone? No. Just because they're twins doesn't make it any different. They were in the womb at the same time, great. They're still separate people.

We have this issue with my son and his friend. He has a younger sibling who the Dad wants to send over when ever the older kid comes to play. I had to say something to the Mom. It is hard for them because they were new to the neighborhood and COVID hit. Their kids hadn’t had time to make friends in the neighborhood and the younger kid was jealous of the older kid. I get it but the younger kid doesn’t have the same interests or attention span of the older kids and I don’t want to deal with the whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of 11 yo b/g twins here. Do your kids a favor and don't ask. My kids are close too and have many overlapping friends, but when one twin was invited I only sent one. For whatever reason, they only wanted a playdate with one twin. I suspect that many times one twin missed out on something because people thought the twins were a package deal and they didn't have room for an extra kid, or wanted all girls, or all boys. I deliberately made a point to send them separately.
When they were younger, there were some hurt feelings. I would have to cheer up the left out one. But now, they don't mind.

Mom of 10 yo b/b twins. I agree with this mom. Posters who don’t have twins just do not get it that the first few times this happens, the uninvited twin typically feels more rejection than a different age sibling would because usually twins get similar stuff (both would get ice cream cones or new backpacks or whatever — that’s how their lives have gone up to this point). Non twin moms seem to act like the rejected twin must be taught a harsh lesson that they’re not always included, but I personally felt awful because I was trying to teach my own kids to always be inclusive if friends ask to play, etc. Many mixed messages. That isn’t to say you should ask to send both. You should not. It’s impolite to invite yourself somewhere, so the right thing to do is send the one twin and do something fun with the other (alone time with a parent is extra fun for twins this age). I also feel like my kids missed out on invites and carpools etc. like this other poster bc it’s way easier for another parent to host one other child vs. having two extra 5 year olds (and ppl worry about a gang up dynamic by the twins that doesn’t usually actually happen irl). What usually ended up happening for us was I debt the one kid (brother was sad), I’d reciprocate and all 3 would play nicely together, then the other child asked mom if both twins could come the next time. Like PP, mine ended up with many overlapping friends this way.