Twin play date, one twin left out…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So nice to hear non-twin parents blocking friendships and penalizing kids based on a slightly awkward situation that is not at all within the kids’ control.

dp But is it really the non twin parent who is blocking friendships? It seems that twin parents are because you are not allowing individual friendships to blossom and you are elevating the twins' relationship. You are family and have tons of opportunity to bond with you twin when you are at home. Two hours away from your twin isn't going to kill anyone!

It isn’t about the difficulty being away from the other twin. I wouldn’t send both of my twins if only one was invited. It’s the idea that people don’t even want to bother inviting one twin because they feel guilty excluding the other one so they just exclude both. I agree it’s harder and there is no right answer, but it’s sad to see your kids get excluded literally just because they are twins and other parents don’t want to deal with that.

You are missing a critical step here. No one here is saying they would exclude Twin A just because Twin B exists.

They are saying they would move away from supporting a relationship with Twin A if moms like OP insist that Twin B come every time.

I actually think some people ARE saying they would exclude twin A just because twin B exists. See nanny above plus some others.

That's their choice. You can't change it. Better to channel your energy into things that benefit your children.
-twin mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Twin mom here - 12 yo g/g

No, don't ask. Your kids need to have friendships outside of their sibling relationship.

Another twin mom. Your girls are older so I'm wondering how you handle when both children consider someone a friend, but only one gets invited? We have always done separate parties and play dates with no problem, but wondering as they get older how to gently say they don't like you to the one who is not invited?

DP
But that is not always how invitation decisions are made. This is when it is beneficial to expand their worlds so each has a separate space with some of their own friends.

They have separate friends and interest. As I said, they have had plenty of experience with one being invited and not the other. What is different in this situation is the child comes over frequently and plays with both of them. Both twins consider this child a friend. Now only one is being asked on a playdate. I'm trying to navigate a new situation and would appreciate advice other than what you offered because they already have separate space and friends .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. This girl is not friends with your son. She’s friends with your daughter. It’s time your kids start making their own separate friends. They can still do activities together but you can’t force kids to be friends with both of them.

This. Absolutely not. Don’t hoist your other child on them. It will ruin the purpose and dynamic of the girls play date.

This is a mean mom who will end up with a mean girl who excludes people. Good grief, they are a month into kindergarten, it’s not like the two girls are lifelong besties who need to exclude people to uphold the “purpose and dynamic” of their play date.

Huh?! Have you ever hosted a 3 kid play date? It’s infinitely more work than a 2 or 4 kid play date. This dynamic sets up the host kid as being the odd man out. It doesn’t make sense.

Yes, as a twin mom I have hosted many 3 kid play dates by default. More often than not there is no odd man out (truly!) but it’s nearly never the non twin.

You keep doubling down on this, but the point remains, this is no different than any other parent requiring a sibling to tag along on every play date. Sure, I can make it work if I’m doing you a favor, but do I want every play date to be about YOU on your terms? Probably not. Sometimes there are family dynamics that are important for the host family too—did you ever think about that? Someone gave the example of a parent who has a baby in addition to the elementary school kid. I’ll give another. I have two kids and I tell each one they can invite one friend over. This works well for my family. If one kid gets 2 friends then my other kid wants 2 friends too and that’s way too many kids to supervise easily. Then the fun and enjoyable play date becomes work and exhausting.

The end result is both your kids will receive fewer invitations.

+1

Don’t be so selfish OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Twin mom here - 12 yo g/g

No, don't ask. Your kids need to have friendships outside of their sibling relationship.

Another twin mom. Your girls are older so I'm wondering how you handle when both children consider someone a friend, but only one gets invited? We have always done separate parties and play dates with no problem, but wondering as they get older how to gently say they don't like you to the one who is not invited?

DP
But that is not always how invitation decisions are made. This is when it is beneficial to expand their worlds so each has a separate space with some of their own friends.

They have separate friends and interest. As I said, they have had plenty of experience with one being invited and not the other. What is different in this situation is the child comes over frequently and plays with both of them. Both twins consider this child a friend. Now only one is being asked on a playdate. I'm trying to navigate a new situation and would appreciate advice other than what you offered because they already have separate space and friends .

Well then try, the birthday kid is a closer friends with your sibling than with you. See how the emphasis is different. And maybe keeping your own hurt to yourself and being upbeat. Yes, there will be hurt feelings. We are not always able to shield our kids as much as we'd like to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Twin mom here - 12 yo g/g

No, don't ask. Your kids need to have friendships outside of their sibling relationship.

Another twin mom. Your girls are older so I'm wondering how you handle when both children consider someone a friend, but only one gets invited? We have always done separate parties and play dates with no problem, but wondering as they get older how to gently say they don't like you to the one who is not invited?

DP
But that is not always how invitation decisions are made. This is when it is beneficial to expand their worlds so each has a separate space with some of their own friends.

They have separate friends and interest. As I said, they have had plenty of experience with one being invited and not the other. What is different in this situation is the child comes over frequently and plays with both of them. Both twins consider this child a friend. Now only one is being asked on a playdate. I'm trying to navigate a new situation and would appreciate advice other than what you offered because they already have separate space and friends .

Different twin mom here and we had this happen. Twin A was very hurt and asked why we should keep having to have Larlo over to our house when Larlo only ever invites Twin B to things. Larlo/Twin B were initially in class together one year, but the following, Larlo was in activities with twin A, but Larlo’s mom only liked/invited Twin B. I pulled back on inviting Larlo over because it was making twin A feel upset in his own house because it dredging up his awkward feelings about the relationship, allowed twin B to continue to go there if convenient, and then Larlo’s family moved away so it all ended. So I don’t have great advice but I feel for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Twin mom here - 12 yo g/g

No, don't ask. Your kids need to have friendships outside of their sibling relationship.

Another twin mom. Your girls are older so I'm wondering how you handle when both children consider someone a friend, but only one gets invited? We have always done separate parties and play dates with no problem, but wondering as they get older how to gently say they don't like you to the one who is not invited?

DP
But that is not always how invitation decisions are made. This is when it is beneficial to expand their worlds so each has a separate space with some of their own friends.

They have separate friends and interest. As I said, they have had plenty of experience with one being invited and not the other. What is different in this situation is the child comes over frequently and plays with both of them. Both twins consider this child a friend. Now only one is being asked on a playdate. I'm trying to navigate a new situation and would appreciate advice other than what you offered because they already have separate space and friends .

Different twin mom here and we had this happen. Twin A was very hurt and asked why we should keep having to have Larlo over to our house when Larlo only ever invites Twin B to things. Larlo/Twin B were initially in class together one year, but the following, Larlo was in activities with twin A, but Larlo’s mom only liked/invited Twin B. I pulled back on inviting Larlo over because it was making twin A feel upset in his own house because it dredging up his awkward feelings about the relationship, allowed twin B to continue to go there if convenient, and then Larlo’s family moved away so it all ended. So I don’t have great advice but I feel for you!

I feel the situation with 12 year twins is very different than OP’s case which is very clear cut.

I think your examples are a very good reason to get used to separate play dates and activities NOW. In the future there will undoubtedly be complicated and difficult friendship dynamics. That is is inevitable. The twins will need their parents guidance. In the meantime OP shouldn’t create problems where there aren’t any. Her daughter should go alone. Period.

[Anonymous]

I really think it depends on the situation. Is this a drop off playdate? If it is it's rude to ask. She invited one kid and you're trying turn that into 2 kids. The dynamic for 2 kids playing in my home is a lot different than 3 kids. 2 I can handle 3 I've often found things can tend to get more chaotic, things tend to go left, and feelings get hurt easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 y o twin b/g. They are very close and usually have the same friends.
They are in different classrooms this year. The girl twin has a classroom friend she is got close to.
The mom is organizing a play date for her and my DD. I was wondering if it would be ok to ask if her twin can join?
He knows the girl and the 3 of them play together. They never had separate play date before and I don’t think he will take it well.
Also most of his friends are girls anyway which means DD would automatically be invited to any play date he might have.
I am wondering if I could ask for it for this one time while I ease him into doing his own stuffs.

If this ok to ask? If yes what is the best way to ask?

Can you organize a play date for DD&friend at your house that precedes this event? Tell you son DD is having her friend over and that he should "hi" and then you two will have some mother/son activity while the girls play. That way you can ease him into the idea of his sister having another friend without it being in separate homes. He won't be uninvited or excluded as his first foray into the scenario.

And for all you calling thoughtful OP names, dealing with "package deals" is a life skill too. How many of you have had a relative/friend marry a not-so-cool spouse and have to deal with the "package deal"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 y o twin b/g. They are very close and usually have the same friends.
They are in different classrooms this year. The girl twin has a classroom friend she is got close to.
The mom is organizing a play date for her and my DD. I was wondering if it would be ok to ask if her twin can join?
He knows the girl and the 3 of them play together. They never had separate play date before and I don’t think he will take it well.
Also most of his friends are girls anyway which means DD would automatically be invited to any play date he might have.
I am wondering if I could ask for it for this one time while I ease him into doing his own stuffs.

If this ok to ask? If yes what is the best way to ask?

Can you organize a play date for DD&friend at your house that precedes this event? Tell you son DD is having her friend over and that he should "hi" and then you two will have some mother/son activity while the girls play. That way you can ease him into the idea of his sister having another friend without it being in separate homes. He won't be uninvited or excluded as his first foray into the scenario.

And for all you calling thoughtful OP names, dealing with "package deals" is a life skill too. How many of you have had a relative/friend marry a not-so-cool spouse and have to deal with the "package deal"?

Not the same. Family is, well, family. Elementary friendships are not on the same level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

Sorry - mean to say not advocating them being tied at the hip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

+1 (fellow twin mom). Have a heart for OP who is just trying to protect her little boy’s feelings if there is a way to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Twin mom here - 12 yo g/g

No, don't ask. Your kids need to have friendships outside of their sibling relationship.

Another twin mom. Your girls are older so I'm wondering how you handle when both children consider someone a friend, but only one gets invited? We have always done separate parties and play dates with no problem, but wondering as they get older how to gently say they don't like you to the one who is not invited?

DP
But that is not always how invitation decisions are made. This is when it is beneficial to expand their worlds so each has a separate space with some of their own friends.

They have separate friends and interest. As I said, they have had plenty of experience with one being invited and not the other. What is different in this situation is the child comes over frequently and plays with both of them. Both twins consider this child a friend. Now only one is being asked on a playdate. I'm trying to navigate a new situation and would appreciate advice other than what you offered because they already have separate space and friends .

OP that is hard. The kids are used to playing together and the one not invited is going to be hurt. I wish I had useful advice but I don't other to say, that is going to be hard. Can you come up with a list of friends that your other child might want to have over when his sister is having her playdate? "Let's have one of your friends over and you can play with person X!", try to turn it into an opportunity for something fun?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Twin mom here - 12 yo g/g

No, don't ask. Your kids need to have friendships outside of their sibling relationship.

Another twin mom. Your girls are older so I'm wondering how you handle when both children consider someone a friend, but only one gets invited? We have always done separate parties and play dates with no problem, but wondering as they get older how to gently say they don't like you to the one who is not invited?

DP
But that is not always how invitation decisions are made. This is when it is beneficial to expand their worlds so each has a separate space with some of their own friends.

They have separate friends and interest. As I said, they have had plenty of experience with one being invited and not the other. What is different in this situation is the child comes over frequently and plays with both of them. Both twins consider this child a friend. Now only one is being asked on a playdate. I'm trying to navigate a new situation and would appreciate advice other than what you offered because they already have separate space and friends .

It doesn't matter. You don't ask if the other twin can come. If you don't want your daughter to go without her brother, you decline the playdate. Otherwise, you let her go by herself, and enjoy the time with her brother on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

+1 (fellow twin mom). Have a heart for OP who is just trying to protect her little boy’s feelings if there is a way to do so.

+2 and it’s really hard continuing to hear non twin parents insist it’s just like siblings. Realize that all the twin moms are universally saying it is NOT like different age siblings and that maybe you do not know or understand because it has not been your lived experience.