Twin play date, one twin left out…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably say yes just to avoid conflict and then never invite your kids to another thing again, because you would have demonstrated a fundamental lack of boundaries.

this +100
It would have nothing to do with your twins and everything to do with not wanting to deal with a mom who is that way.

I'm sure the twins' mom would be more than happy not being associated with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

+1 (fellow twin mom). Have a heart for OP who is just trying to protect her little boy’s feelings if there is a way to do so.

+2 and it’s really hard continuing to hear non twin parents insist it’s just like siblings. Realize that all the twin moms are universally saying it is NOT like different age siblings and that maybe you do not know or understand because it has not been your lived experience.

Honestly, we don’t care how close your twins are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So nice to hear non-twin parents blocking friendships and penalizing kids based on a slightly awkward situation that is not at all within the kids’ control.

dp But is it really the non twin parent who is blocking friendships? It seems that twin parents are because you are not allowing individual friendships to blossom and you are elevating the twins' relationship. You are family and have tons of opportunity to bond with you twin when you are at home. Two hours away from your twin isn't going to kill anyone!

It isn’t about the difficulty being away from the other twin. I wouldn’t send both of my twins if only one was invited. It’s the idea that people don’t even want to bother inviting one twin because they feel guilty excluding the other one so they just exclude both. I agree it’s harder and there is no right answer, but it’s sad to see your kids get excluded literally just because they are twins and other parents don’t want to deal with that.

Well, if the expectation is I have to invite both it is on you for making the situation, not the host. My kid wanted to have a playdate with the one twin but, I knew it would cause problems because they did everything together. So maybe twin parents should think about this and not blame the non twin parent. It has nothing to do with extra work but, the fact that my kid is the odd person out and it would be a totally different ( not necessarily better) experience for my dd and the one twin.

I have hesitated many times before inviting one twin to come over and play because I know that the parents will feel hurt that their other twin is not invited. So we just move on to another classmate and invite them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a twin mom and it’s true that 3 doesn’t work. We did four which worked well. But the vitriol against twins is real. Separate those kids at all cost and don’t bring them to my house! Especially I got this from parents of the oldest/ first born.
I never did 3 ( or very very seldom) because I had a strong twin group and big houses. But the anger always astonished me.
BTW mine went to separate HS and separate colleges. It will happen on its own without the scolding.

+1

[Anonymous]

The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DP but the twins are in different classrooms. Does the host even know the other twin? Why would the host child be expected to play with another kid at their house who they probably don't know well? From that perspective it is like any other sibling. If the kids were all in the same class maybe it would be different. And the b/g thing would give me pause. At that age my kids really only wanted to play with same sex friends, as did almost all of their friends.

Yes, the other mom knows the twin. The OP said that the three kids have had playdates together. Both her kids see the other girl as a friend.

It could be that the other girl is not interested in playing with the boy twin but has been nice and done fine with both kids in the past. The twins read it as the girl is both of their friends and the other girl wants to be friends with just the girl twin.

OP is trying to navigate a difficult path because the twins see this child as a mutual friend and the boy is going to feel hurt.

For one of my kids, I limit playdates to only one friend. In groups of 3 it's happened too many times that he felt left out, in his own house, if the two played too much with each other, ignoring him. I'm looking out for mine as much as twin parents look out for theirs. Parents with multiple kids deal with hurt feelings all the time, while maybe different than twin issues, my other kids often want to join in on a play date, or feel left out if they aren't invited to a party another kid is, there's plenty of disappointment all the time that we have to manage, it's just part of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

+1 (fellow twin mom). Have a heart for OP who is just trying to protect her little boy’s feelings if there is a way to do so.

+2 and it’s really hard continuing to hear non twin parents insist it’s just like siblings. Realize that all the twin moms are universally saying it is NOT like different age siblings and that maybe you do not know or understand because it has not been your lived experience.

Honestly, we don’t care how close your twins are.

I think that's a little harsh, but the underlying sentiment is probably right. A parent is going to prioritize what their kid wants, and what works for them. Whether or not twins are "just like siblings" or not is irrelevant to whether someone wants an extra kid on the playdate. There's a lot of tone policing going on, but whether people say it tactfully or harshly, the point is that you should not try to get your twin included on the playdate. The possible consequences are (1) the mom will not be inviting either of your twins again, (2) she may avoid inviting any other twins, based on her experience with you, and (e) you are reinforcing the idea that twins have to be a package deal, which can make things harder for other twins.

Furthermore, I didn't read anyone as saying that twins' relationship with *each other* is just like siblings. They are saying, from their perspective as the host of a playdate, that twins are like any other siblings -- an extra kid they didn't invite, and probably had their own reasons for not inviting, including playdate dynamics, the amount of work involved, and their own child's preference.

[Anonymous]

Oh god, no, please don't ask. Having a pair of siblings over is VERY different than having one friend over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

NP. I think what is off putting here is the assumption by some twin moms that there are no non-twin siblings in the world that could possibly be as bonded/close as their twins. I hope that twin parents that feel both twins should be invited to everything are also inviting all siblings on playdates at their house. To the PP above who mentioned that it’s different with twins because they are used to getting all of the same things (ice cream and backpacks) – this is the case with all siblings who are close in age. My two DDs are almost 2 years apart. Their birthdays are a few days apart. They are absolutely used to getting the same things at the same time. They definitely complain that it’s not fair if one is having a playdate and they aren’t. That’s life.

OP, it would be incredibly rude to ask to include your son. The fact that your son “might not take it well” doesn’t justify imposing on this other mom who, understandably, didn’t feel like she needed to include the opposite gender sibling that isn’t even in her kid’s class. There are many things that kids don’t take well, but they still have to deal with it. If you feel this is going to be too problematic, I think you just need to turn down playdate invites.

So does your younger one have to include kids at her birthday party who are friends of her older sister who never invite her over? No? Because twins find themselves in this position and it’s not always awesome. Sure they could have separate parties but it’s a bit indulgent if many of their friends overlap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ugh. Don’t ask. I know it’s hard to think outside your bubble but adding an extra kid does make a big difference to some people. I have a baby in addition to my 5 year old.

Play dates with one other child are manageable, but add in two unknown children and it’s chaotic. I simply do not have a enough hands to manage it at this point. Plus it completely changes the dynamic. It’s much harder to keep 3 kids quiet during nap time. It’s harder to keep track of where they are. Everything is harder. Don’t ask. It’s rude.

Twin mom. I totally get this and I think this is legit and I appreciate the honesty. I do get it. It’s just a bummer - parenting baby/toddler twins is SO incredibly difficult and isolating. And if I want to host a play date, I have to manage a minimum of three kids. It gets much easier as they all get older. As a twin parent, I would have been happy to stay to help or would have welcomed a meet up at a playground where the burden wasn’t all on you but where my kids weren’t just universally excluded.

By insisting that your children must do everything together YOU are making the choice to exclude your children.

Where did I insist anyone must do everything together? I can’t take one to the playground and leave one home alone, so in that case yes, they would both come. But I’d send one twin to a friend’s house.[b] My point is that I would be willing to help ease the burden if both were legitimately invited by someone who might feel apprehensive or overwhelmed. But you jumped to the idea that I was insisting something?

You are comparing apples and oranges. Of course, going to the playground you wouldn't leave one child behind. I think you are reading why too much into the word "insisting" what I mean is if you give the impression that if one twin is invited than the other twin must be invited too. since you said that you would send one twin to a playdate than I am not really talking to you. Sometimes, my child just wants to play with one kid, who also happens to be a twin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So twin parents, if you invite your Kindergartener's friend over for a playdate and the parent accepts but then asks if their child can bring their best friend who your child doesn't know, you'd be okay with that? Because that is essentially what you are asking the host to accept.

I hear you saying that separate invites are hard for twins, but that is something that you have to manage - it isn't up to the host to solve the issue for you. My child is 10 and still doesn't do well in groups of 3. It happens sometimes when she is playing with neighborhood friends, but I would not purposefully schedule a hangout with that dynamic.

Twin mom and I’d be fine with that. My kids would be eager to meet their friend’s friend. I’ve also been in a situation where a parent asked if a sibling could come to my twins’ bday party. Even during Covid when I was keeping it small, I figured they must have had a reason and had the courage to ask, so I welcomed their other child. Why be so exclusionary? They are children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

NP. I think what is off putting here is the assumption by some twin moms that there are no non-twin siblings in the world that could possibly be as bonded/close as their twins. I hope that twin parents that feel both twins should be invited to everything are also inviting all siblings on playdates at their house. To the PP above who mentioned that it’s different with twins because they are used to getting all of the same things (ice cream and backpacks) – this is the case with all siblings who are close in age. My two DDs are almost 2 years apart. Their birthdays are a few days apart. They are absolutely used to getting the same things at the same time. They definitely complain that it’s not fair if one is having a playdate and they aren’t. That’s life.

OP, it would be incredibly rude to ask to include your son. The fact that your son “might not take it well” doesn’t justify imposing on this other mom who, understandably, didn’t feel like she needed to include the opposite gender sibling that isn’t even in her kid’s class. There are many things that kids don’t take well, but they still have to deal with it. If you feel this is going to be too problematic, I think you just need to turn down playdate invites.

So does your younger one have to include kids at her birthday party who are friends of her older sister who never invite her over? No? Because twins find themselves in this position and it’s not always awesome. Sure they could have separate parties but it’s a bit indulgent if many of their friends overlap.

I’m the PP you are quoting and I agree that would be a unique challenge with siblings who are in the same grade (usually twins). I can also understand that friendships start to overlap especially as they get older. IMO, it still doesn’t justify asking for twin B to be included on a play date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

+1 (fellow twin mom). Have a heart for OP who is just trying to protect her little boy’s feelings if there is a way to do so.

+2 and it’s really hard continuing to hear non twin parents insist it’s just like siblings. Realize that all the twin moms are universally saying it is NOT like different age siblings and that maybe you do not know or understand because it has not been your lived experience.

Honestly, we don’t care how close your twins are.

No one said you have to care (the point of above posts), but you don't have to be an a$$hole about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So nice to hear non-twin parents blocking friendships and penalizing kids based on a slightly awkward situation that is not at all within the kids’ control.

dp But is it really the non twin parent who is blocking friendships? It seems that twin parents are because you are not allowing individual friendships to blossom and you are elevating the twins' relationship. You are family and have tons of opportunity to bond with you twin when you are at home. Two hours away from your twin isn't going to kill anyone!

It isn’t about the difficulty being away from the other twin. I wouldn’t send both of my twins if only one was invited. It’s the idea that people don’t even want to bother inviting one twin because they feel guilty excluding the other one so they just exclude both. I agree it’s harder and there is no right answer, but it’s sad to see your kids get excluded literally just because they are twins and other parents don’t want to deal with that.

Well, if the expectation is I have to invite both it is on you for making the situation, not the host. My kid wanted to have a playdate with the one twin but, I knew it would cause problems because they did everything together. So maybe twin parents should think about this and not blame the non twin parent. It has nothing to do with extra work but, the fact that my kid is the odd person out and it would be a totally different ( not necessarily better) experience for my dd and the one twin.

I have hesitated many times before inviting one twin to come over and play because I know that the parents will feel hurt that their other twin is not invited. So we just move on to another classmate and invite them.

This is literally exactly my point. I do appreciate that you don’t want to hurt the other twin’s feelings but it’s not awesome to feel like neither kid is getting invites bc they happen to have a twin and people don’t want to be awkward/entangled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

+1 (fellow twin mom). Have a heart for OP who is just trying to protect her little boy’s feelings if there is a way to do so.

+2 and it’s really hard continuing to hear non twin parents insist it’s just like siblings. Realize that all the twin moms are universally saying it is NOT like different age siblings and that maybe you do not know or understand because it has not been your lived experience.

Honestly, we don’t care how close your twins are.

You don’t really seem to care about anyone or anything besides yourself anyway.