Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is great. We have the OP and NP trying to blame anything or anyone other then themselves for their affairs.

Very different situation, but I found myself in love with a married man (he was 26 and I was 22 and no kids were involved) and I know this situation is nowhere near as cut and dry as people on DCUM want to make it out. We tried everything we could to end it, but it was a force bigger than us.

You "found" yourself in love with a married man? Where you lost and magically found yourself waking up in his bed (when his wife was not around)? Nope. You "found" this guy and boinked him while he was married. A "force bigger than" the two of you pushed you together? What, the Redskins offensive line pushed you into his arms and him out of his marriage? The only force around was the "boinking" force employed when you were his side piece.

If we split, I would want only happiness for him. If it is with someone younger and prettier, that is fine. So long as she makes him happy and is good to my kids. I am not the devil that you all want to make me out to be. And he hasn't been perfect, far from it.

He has not been perfect? It might be hard to be a perfect husband while your wife is boinking her AP and thinking about leaving you. You say you are not the devil we want you to be. What you mean is that you did not expect to have posters call you out on your infidelity and the pathetic defense of it (i.e., because he was far from perfect it is fine to cheat.) Your AP had the right idea. Cut ties with the family you are lying to, grow up, and let your husband find someone who cares about him.

+ 1000

NP, you are not good and decent people. Talk to me when his XW characterizes you as such.

I actually do agree with all of this. The myth that falling in love is completely out of your control is just that - a myth. Yes, you may not be able to fully control who you ending up falling in love with, but you can absolutely control the positions you put yourself in that provide the circumstances for falling in love. You found yourself in love with a guy? That doesn't happen over night. You were actively engaging with him, meeting up, being a part of an affair when you "found yourself" in love.

So, just permanently as a general statement we are both no longer good or decent people? For something both of us struggled with 15 years ago? Something that we did as honorably as possible? There was no sex. His ex wife did not find out and they divorced before we pursued our relationship. I mean it obviously wasn’t a meaningless fling just to ruin someone’s life. We are still together and have built a family.

Do you know how many people you are morally condemning as bad people, including many you know? Life is not black and white. My experience taught me not to judge so harshly.

Yup. Not good people. People like you cling desperately to that "life's not black and white" idea to get through your lives AND to feel superior (LOL). Guess what. Right and wrong exists. Just because you have no moral courage doesn't mean: oh gee everything is ok because gosh we just can't judge another's FOO issues or disadvantages or genetic predispositions....We can judge. Some things are not OK. Some people hurt other people for their own gains. You and your husband are two of those people. You're concerned with all the people we're condemning? How about all the people who live their lives honestly and fairly each day? They're not tempted to take the easy way out, to live dishonestly to gain advantage? You're insulting what it means to live with integrity when you claim you're a good person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is great. We have the OP and NP trying to blame anything or anyone other then themselves for their affairs.

Very different situation, but I found myself in love with a married man (he was 26 and I was 22 and no kids were involved) and I know this situation is nowhere near as cut and dry as people on DCUM want to make it out. We tried everything we could to end it, but it was a force bigger than us.

You "found" yourself in love with a married man? Where you lost and magically found yourself waking up in his bed (when his wife was not around)? Nope. You "found" this guy and boinked him while he was married. A "force bigger than" the two of you pushed you together? What, the Redskins offensive line pushed you into his arms and him out of his marriage? The only force around was the "boinking" force employed when you were his side piece.

If we split, I would want only happiness for him. If it is with someone younger and prettier, that is fine. So long as she makes him happy and is good to my kids. I am not the devil that you all want to make me out to be. And he hasn't been perfect, far from it.

He has not been perfect? It might be hard to be a perfect husband while your wife is boinking her AP and thinking about leaving you. You say you are not the devil we want you to be. What you mean is that you did not expect to have posters call you out on your infidelity and the pathetic defense of it (i.e., because he was far from perfect it is fine to cheat.) Your AP had the right idea. Cut ties with the family you are lying to, grow up, and let your husband find someone who cares about him.

+ 1000

NP, you are not good and decent people. Talk to me when his XW characterizes you as such.

I actually do agree with all of this. The myth that falling in love is completely out of your control is just that - a myth. Yes, you may not be able to fully control who you ending up falling in love with, but you can absolutely control the positions you put yourself in that provide the circumstances for falling in love. You found yourself in love with a guy? That doesn't happen over night. You were actively engaging with him, meeting up, being a part of an affair when you "found yourself" in love.

So, just permanently as a general statement we are both no longer good or decent people? For something both of us struggled with 15 years ago? Something that we did as honorably as possible? There was no sex. His ex wife did not find out and they divorced before we pursued our relationship. I mean it obviously wasn’t a meaningless fling just to ruin someone’s life. We are still together and have built a family.

Do you know how many people you are morally condemning as bad people, including many you know? Life is not black and white. My experience taught me not to judge so harshly.

Yup. Not good people. People like you cling desperately to that "life's not black and white" idea to get through your lives AND to feel superior (LOL). Guess what. Right and wrong exists. Just because you have no moral courage doesn't mean: oh gee everything is ok because gosh we just can't judge another's FOO issues or disadvantages or genetic predispositions....We can judge. Some things are not OK. Some people hurt other people for their own gains. You and your husband are two of those people. You're concerned with all the people we're condemning? How about all the people who live their lives honestly and fairly each day? They're not tempted to take the easy way out, to live dishonestly to gain advantage? You're insulting what it means to live with integrity when you claim you're a good person.

This is laughable....I hate to break it to you that the people living in "fake" marriages are some of the most dishonest and unfair people I have come across on this planet. These are the people that sit around w/ their friends and talk shit about how awful their spouses are and how they can hardly stand to be in the same room as them. The amount of resentment and slander I hear is unbelievable. These are the people who have told me they have not had sex or even touched their spouses in YEARS. These are the people who sleep in separate rooms and are two ships passing in the night...and you know what else, these are the same people who portray their marriages on social media as "loving and full of happiness", these are the couples who are at school events faking every single moment, just so people like YOU can feel good about your own miserable marriages and existence. You think you deserve a medal for sticking it out for your kids, what a sham, and trust me, YOUR kids know it's a show! Oh wait, you said it is ALL black and white (no gray, ha), nope the people on your side are also living their own tales that include dishonesty, lies, deception, and hate. Why don't you ask yourself the real question on who is the bigger liar??? At least the people who ADMIT to these marriage failings and then leave are being HONEST (for themselves and for their family). If you are not living an authentic life, then you are also living a LIE!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is great. We have the OP and NP trying to blame anything or anyone other then themselves for their affairs.

Very different situation, but I found myself in love with a married man (he was 26 and I was 22 and no kids were involved) and I know this situation is nowhere near as cut and dry as people on DCUM want to make it out. We tried everything we could to end it, but it was a force bigger than us.

You "found" yourself in love with a married man? Where you lost and magically found yourself waking up in his bed (when his wife was not around)? Nope. You "found" this guy and boinked him while he was married. A "force bigger than" the two of you pushed you together? What, the Redskins offensive line pushed you into his arms and him out of his marriage? The only force around was the "boinking" force employed when you were his side piece.

If we split, I would want only happiness for him. If it is with someone younger and prettier, that is fine. So long as she makes him happy and is good to my kids. I am not the devil that you all want to make me out to be. And he hasn't been perfect, far from it.

He has not been perfect? It might be hard to be a perfect husband while your wife is boinking her AP and thinking about leaving you. You say you are not the devil we want you to be. What you mean is that you did not expect to have posters call you out on your infidelity and the pathetic defense of it (i.e., because he was far from perfect it is fine to cheat.) Your AP had the right idea. Cut ties with the family you are lying to, grow up, and let your husband find someone who cares about him.

+ 1000

NP, you are not good and decent people. Talk to me when his XW characterizes you as such.

I actually do agree with all of this. The myth that falling in love is completely out of your control is just that - a myth. Yes, you may not be able to fully control who you ending up falling in love with, but you can absolutely control the positions you put yourself in that provide the circumstances for falling in love. You found yourself in love with a guy? That doesn't happen over night. You were actively engaging with him, meeting up, being a part of an affair when you "found yourself" in love.

So, just permanently as a general statement we are both no longer good or decent people? For something both of us struggled with 15 years ago? Something that we did as honorably as possible? There was no sex. His ex wife did not find out and they divorced before we pursued our relationship. I mean it obviously wasn’t a meaningless fling just to ruin someone’s life. We are still together and have built a family.

Do you know how many people you are morally condemning as bad people, including many you know? Life is not black and white. My experience taught me not to judge so harshly.

Yup. Not good people. People like you cling desperately to that "life's not black and white" idea to get through your lives AND to feel superior (LOL). Guess what. Right and wrong exists. Just because you have no moral courage doesn't mean: oh gee everything is ok because gosh we just can't judge another's FOO issues or disadvantages or genetic predispositions....We can judge. Some things are not OK. Some people hurt other people for their own gains. You and your husband are two of those people. You're concerned with all the people we're condemning? How about all the people who live their lives honestly and fairly each day? They're not tempted to take the easy way out, to live dishonestly to gain advantage? You're insulting what it means to live with integrity when you claim you're a good person.

This is laughable....I hate to break it to you that the people living in "fake" marriages are some of the most dishonest and unfair people I have come across on this planet. These are the people that sit around w/ their friends and talk shit about how awful their spouses are and how they can hardly stand to be in the same room as them. The amount of resentment and slander I hear is unbelievable. These are the people who have told me they have not had sex or even touched their spouses in YEARS. These are the people who sleep in separate rooms and are two ships passing in the night...and you know what else, these are the same people who portray their marriages on social media as "loving and full of happiness", these are the couples who are at school events faking every single moment, just so people like YOU can feel good about your own miserable marriages and existence. You think you deserve a medal for sticking it out for your kids, what a sham, and trust me, YOUR kids know it's a show! Oh wait, you said it is ALL black and white (no gray, ha), nope the people on your side are also living their own tales that include dishonesty, lies, deception, and hate. Why don't you ask yourself the real question on who is the bigger liar??? At least the people who ADMIT to these marriage failings and then leave are being HONEST (for themselves and for their family). If you are not living an authentic life, then you are also living a LIE!

Sorry. I live my life very authentically. I'm not into social media so nothing to say there. But it is a priority for me to treat people with love and respect. I know it pisses you off, but plenty of people like me out there.

ddintysons wrote:First, there is no need to copy and paste an entire post. It takes up space and any poster that is interested can look up post to see what was said. Try just pasting the last part of the post and make things easier for everyone.

The issue with the PP (at 9:25) and OP is not that they are bad people. It is the hypocrisy. Read their posts. What comes through loud and clear is that they are not accepting any responsibility for what the have done.

Do not say "A force greater than ourselves brought us together." Say the truth: I fell in love with a married man, I wanted to be with him and I helped him end his marriage so he could be with me. It hurt his XDW and I understand and accept that it did.

The OP's hypocrisy is worse. She talks about how great her AP is and what a mistake that she made choosing her husband.

Be candid. He made a mistake choosing you - someone who would have a multiyear affair and be with him, even now, when she is considering leaving him for what she considers a better deal. Say the truth: I like boinking my AP and I do it because I believe, at some level, I deserve better. Maybe you do, OP. I do not know. I but I do that he sure does.

Let's see if we get an answer from the OP on this one. I bet not. DCUM is brutal and I affirm that this post is as well. However, OP should not have come here expecting people to be sympathetic to someone who can treat those she promised to care about so poorly.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP (responding for the first time, those other responses weren't me.) Of course I accept responsibility. Note the "wracked with guilt" part of my post. He took responsibility too. We did everything by the book, to cause as little hurt as possible. The only thing we could have done differently is not fall in love. And, maybe it wasn't like this for you, but your experience is not universal. For me, it felt beyond my control. I attempted to control my feelings and so did he. When we realized we couldn't, we discussed how to proceed with the least amount of hurt possible, which included not confessing - something that would speed things up quite a bit for them, but hurt his ex wife a great deal.

And how is saying "I fell in love" (the wording that would make this "ok" in your book) any less passive than "I found myself in love?" You semantics police are exhausting. Have none of you EVER looked around and thought "how did I get here?" Have none of you ever found yourself in a morally gray area? If not, it seems to me that you're one of those people walking around half asleep, who refuses to or is unable to see that life is more than what we see on the very surface.

It's not a good thing OP did. It wasn't a good thing I did. I still struggle with forgiving myself. But, the moral superiority of most of you posters is actually really surprising to me.

We did everything by the book, to cause as little hurt as possible. The only thing we could have done differently is not fall in love. And, maybe it wasn't like this for you, but your experience is not universal. For me, it felt beyond my control. I attempted to control my feelings and so did he.

Have none of you EVER looked around and thought "how did I get here?" Have none of you ever found yourself in a morally gray area?

Anonymous wrote:08:26 I agree with what you say. The only problem is that OP is delusional and can't bring herself to thinking that way right now. People in affairs are riding high on intoxicating feelings and brain chemicals. They wear off in a long term relationship, like she found out in her marriage. But the trick is to not go looking for the intensity of new romance again, but to figure how to make a marriage good over the long term.

09:58 is still confused. Trying to control your feelings is like trying to keep a beach ball under the water continuously. It makes things worse, and is probably why you felt you couldn't do it. You should've completely let go of each other and given it much more time with no contact, no agreements and no expectations. If you allowed yourself to simply feel the discomfort, without rushing in to fix or control it, the intense feelings would've slowly dissipated over time and other relationships and good things in your life would've come around to fill up the space. Too late for you now, though.

What you don't know is why it's a good idea to seek counseling before blowing up your life and especially that of any children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't tell you how bad it sucked to share every single holiday and life event splint into two. Every major event became exhausting and over stimulating for me and by the time I was 18 I barely came around for any holiday for a good 5 years. I was so so drained. I was 8 when my parents divorced. Just because its rapidly common doesn't mean its ok or your kids won't suffer.

That must have been hard for you, but would you want to know that your parents stayed together unhappily so that you could enjoy holidays a bit more? I know it wasn't just the holidays and I don't mean to diminish, but you get my point.
My parents also divorced and although that was difficult I would not have expected or wanted for them to stay together 'for me'. I'm still happily married (as far as I know!) but I also wouldn't my spouse to stay if he didn't want to be there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't tell you how bad it sucked to share every single holiday and life event splint into two. Every major event became exhausting and over stimulating for me and by the time I was 18 I barely came around for any holiday for a good 5 years. I was so so drained. I was 8 when my parents divorced. Just because its rapidly common doesn't mean its ok or your kids won't suffer.

That must have been hard for you, but would you want to know that your parents stayed together unhappily so that you could enjoy holidays a bit more? I know it wasn't just the holidays and I don't mean to diminish, but you get my point.
My parents also divorced and although that was difficult I would not have expected or wanted for them to stay together 'for me'. I'm still happily married (as far as I know!) but I also wouldn't my spouse to stay if he didn't want to be there.

My parents are still together. They fought a lot when I was a child, and my dad constantly demeaned my mom. It was a bad way to grow up, and it offered me a bad model of a marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS become a weekend or part time parent. My love for my children and desire to wake up with them every single morning and tuck them in every single night would always far outweigh my desire for romance.

I hear what you are saying OP and i think monogamy crushes the spirit, but my kids are really my life. No way in hell would I compromise that.

My mom found love at 60. If i decided i was truly missing out on passion and needed it to complete my life, Id wait until the kids were done with college. I couldn't even fathom sharing holidays. Nope nope nope.

That's scary.