Reply to Want to leave DH for lover

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is great.  We have the OP and NP trying to blame anything or anyone other then themselves for their affairs.

[quote]Very different situation, but [b]I found myself[/b] in love with a married man (he was 26 and I was 22 and no kids were involved) and I know this situation is nowhere near as cut and dry as people on DCUM want to make it out. We tried everything we could to end it, but it was a[b] force bigger than us.[/b][/quote]

You "found" yourself in love with a married man?  Where you lost and magically found yourself waking up in his bed (when his wife was not around)?  Nope. You "found" this guy and boinked him while he was married.  A "force bigger than" the two of you pushed you together?  What, the Redskins offensive line pushed you into his arms and him out of his marriage?  The only force around was the "boinking" force employed when you were his side piece.

[quote]If we split, I would want only happiness for him. If it is with someone younger and prettier, that is fine. So long as she makes him happy and is good to my kids. I am not the devil that you all want to make me out to be. And he hasn't been perfect, far from it. [/quote]

He has not been perfect? It might be hard to be a perfect husband while your wife is boinking her AP and thinking about leaving you.  You say you are not the devil we want you to be.  What you mean is that you did not expect to have posters call you out on your infidelity and the pathetic defense of it (i.e., because he was far from perfect it is fine to cheat.)   Your AP had the right idea.  Cut ties with the family you are lying to, grow up, and let your husband find someone who cares about him.[/quote]

+ 1000

NP, you are not good and decent people. Talk to me when his XW characterizes you as such.[/quote]

I actually do agree with all of this. The myth that falling in love is completely out of your control is just that - a myth. Yes, you may not be able to fully control who you ending up falling in love with, but you can absolutely control the positions you put yourself in that provide the circumstances for falling in love. You found yourself in love with a guy? That doesn't happen over night. You were actively engaging with him, meeting up, being a part of an affair when you "found yourself" in love.[/quote]

So, just permanently as a general statement we are both no longer good or decent people?  For something both of us struggled with 15 years ago?  Something that we did as honorably as possible?  There was no sex.  His ex wife did not find out and they divorced before we pursued our relationship.  I mean it obviously wasn’t a meaningless fling just to ruin someone’s life.  We are still together and have built a family.

Do you know how many people you are morally condemning as bad people, including many you know?  Life is not black and white.  My experience taught me not to judge so harshly.

[/quote]

Yup. Not good people. People like you cling desperately to that "life's not black and white" idea to get through your lives AND to feel superior (LOL). Guess what. Right and wrong exists. Just because you have no moral courage doesn't mean: oh gee everything is ok because gosh we just can't judge another's FOO issues or disadvantages or genetic predispositions....We can judge. Some things are not OK. Some people hurt other people for their own gains. You and your husband are two of those people. You're concerned with all the people we're condemning? [b]How about all the people who live their lives honestly and fairly each day? They're not tempted to take the easy way out, to live dishonestly to gain advantage? You're insulting what it means to live with integrity when you claim you're a good person.[/quote][/b]

This is laughable....I hate to break it to you that the people living in "fake" marriages are some of the most dishonest and unfair people I have come across on this planet. These are the people that sit around w/ their friends and talk shit about how awful their spouses are and how they can hardly stand to be in the same room as them. The amount of resentment and slander I hear is unbelievable. These are the people who have told me they have not had sex or even touched their spouses in YEARS. These are the people who sleep in separate rooms and are two ships passing in the night...and you know what else, these are the same people who portray their marriages on social media as "loving and full of happiness", these are the couples who are at school events faking every single moment, just so people like YOU can feel good about your own miserable marriages and existence. You think you deserve a medal for sticking it out for your kids, what a sham, and trust me, YOUR kids know it's a show! Oh wait, you said it is ALL black and white (no gray, ha), nope the people on your side are also living their own tales that include dishonesty, lies, deception, and hate. Why don't you ask yourself the real question on who is the bigger liar??? At least the people who ADMIT to these marriage failings and then leave are being HONEST (for themselves and for their family). If you are not living an authentic life, then you are also living a LIE!  [/quote]

Sorry. I live my life very authentically. I'm not into social media so nothing to say there. But it is a priority for me to treat people with love and respect. I know it pisses you off, but plenty of people like me out there.[/quote]

It does not piss me off that you claim you are living an authentic life and that others may also be doing the same, it pisses me off that you come off as judgmental or that you do think it is all black and white. You just said yourself you make it a priority to treat people with love and respect. I believe that the majority of humans are trying to do that day in and day out the best way they know how. Sometimes people like the OP have failings/weakness and then they realize they need to change their path (stay or go). When changing paths they maybe hurting themselves and others, but the hope is that it will lead to a life that is real for all parties involved. Nothing in this life that is worth anything is easy. I don't need you to apologize. I make it a priority to see the good in others, be empathetic, be compassionate, and by all means remain open minded to the fact that everyone has different circumstances. I also don't dislike, or hate the people I mentioned above (fake marriages), many in fact are my friends! I love them and I don't hate them or judge them because they are living their own lies (trust me, most people have a few skeletons in the closet, glad you are skeleton free!). I understand the reasons they choose to stay in those circumstances. I remain a good friend and sounding board and I sure as hell hope that they do the same in return. It is obvious to me that you and I probably would not be friends and that is okay[/quote]

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