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There is nothing about his behavior, or that mentioned by the first several replies that is a uniquely men thing. In my experience, women also do it all the time. And some people will hang on to a relationship they want to end until they have secured a new partner. I don't know if that's him but I wouldn't let him have that much control over your time or entertain his thoughts on who see if he hasn't got time or you.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
It is totally 100% OK for a husband to ask a wife for sex as many times as he wants no matter how many times she says no. And it is totally within her power to say no as many times as she wants.
Who taught you how to be married? That's not o.k. If she says she doesn't want to have sex with you tonight and to leave her alone, and you ask her 10 more times that night, you clearly have no regard for what she wants. You are telling her that if she wants you to leave her alone, she has to have sex with you; and that if she doesn't have sex with you, then you will never shut up about it.
It's totally within your power to respect the wishes of your spouse, and that's what you should do.
What if you offer her chocolate you kept hidden for just such an occasion?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If your husband is badgering you for sex, and you don't really feel like, but you agree, that's consent. That's 100% not rape. Stop using rape to describe not rape.
You seem pretty invested in labeling it "not rape." So, fine, if a man is coercing, badgering, and Not Raping (tm) his wife in a way that causes her to "consent" (wink, wink) and inflicts sexual trauma, are we cool with that?
PP. here.
It is disappointing how feminists speak of empowerment, and equality, even as they readily abdicate their own agency in making decisions to men.
Not being content with misappropriating the word "rape," you've now moved to second best with "coercing." I guess this is when he says that you hurt his feelings because you won't sleep with him? Is it "rapey" when he gives you the silent treatment? Are you not in control of your own body? You so badly want men to be responsible for what is ultimately your decision that you will use any inflammatory and loaded language as a weapon to so long as it suits your agenda.
Well, this feminist agrees with you. But I was born in the 60s, so perhaps a different kind of feminist than the PP above.
The crux of this is when the request for sex is "badgering." If it's "badgering," then it's coercive. If you ask for sex once or state your desire to have sex once, that's not coercive. It's an expression of desire. If the other person shares the desire, great! If the person doesn't share the desire, no big deal. Ask a second time, a little later, you're still in pretty much the same territory. Do it enough times that it constitutes badgering, and you are no longer attempting to communicate your desire or ask for information about the other person's desire. Your repeated requests are an attempt to pressure the person into having sex even though you know that the person has no desire to do so. You are now a shitty person.
Shitty, yes. Pathetic even, begging for sex. Call him a whiny bitch if you like. But if all his begging, or badgering if you like that term, leads her to giving in just to shut him up, it's still not rape.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If your husband is badgering you for sex, and you don't really feel like, but you agree, that's consent. That's 100% not rape. Stop using rape to describe not rape.
Your right. But if you read the link you will find it could be sexual coercion.
I agree that's possible, but it wasn't PP's example. She said it was sex by fraud because if she'd known he was the type of person who cheats, she would not have slept with him. That's different than coercion. It retroactively converts even freely-given consent to rape any time someone comes to realize their relationship partner is a loser.
Wow, SMH. Since I've been accused as being "rough," I'll try to temper my comments for the more delicate readers. I'm glad for the education and for knowing their are people out there who really think this way. May I be so lucky to spot them before they spot me so I know to steer clear. By these definitions of rape, I figure about 99% of us can say they were the victim of rape by the time we reach 40, if not a lot sooner.
Consensual sex acts retroactively convertible to rape if either party discovers the other wasn't honest about his/her intentions, feelings, used coercion, or was possibly cheating? Damn, I have definitely been raped in the past. I may be being raped on a regular basis right now! By definition, I won't know until later, right?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I divorced a heating husband who was getting plenty of sex at home and I cannot for the life of me get my bead around my not wanting to have sex again ever (again this is about desire no medical issue involved) and expecting my partner to just accept that despite their libido not being in decline. It seems selfish and cruel. This is how you treat someone you love and want to be with until you die?
It's more about 1 partner wanting 3 times a week and the other wanting 3 times a month, not totally no sex never.
Your H probably chested because it was not often enough, passionate enough, felt like duty sex... Or some equally lame excuse, even though he was getting it at home.
He cheated because he was a selfish asshole. But I am talking about the no sex ever people not the he/she wants it 3 times a week and I want it 3 times a month people.
But most partners complain about frequency and duty sex.... Not never getting it, those post too, but not most. It's the duty sex that is rapey, hey sorry your vagina is dry but can you blow me, or those that can't wait 6 weeks post parfumerie, or the dudes that say they can't concentrate at work if they go 3 weeks.
Maybe we should get congress to pass a bill that men dont work after the baby is born because they can't concentrate until their wife screws them.
I have to say that the bolded phrase resonated with me. I never turned my DH down for sex, which we had frequently and which I always thought was mutually pleasurable. Then I found out that DH had cheated on me. DH "confessed" and begged me to stay together. During the period of reconciliation, we continued to have sex, but I have to admit, it felt "rapey". Yes, I consented, but that consent was under heavy pressure from DH and the counselors.
Much of our "counseling" revolved around why I wouldn't have sex with DH anymore and how he could get back to having sex. (Because you cheated on me and you haven't gotten STD tested yet even though I asked you months ago. DUH. And, you've done nothing to build confidence that you won't do cheat again. DUH) Frankly, I was shocked how the entire counseling process revolved around whether or not we had sex, and not why DH cheated and lied to me so extensively for so long. At home, DH was constantly trying to initiate sex, sometimes pawing me in the middle of the night when I was asleep and waking me. It was clear I was expected to "get over it" and go back to having sex with DH because sex is expected in a marriage, and my needs for safety and honesty were immaterial.
Our notions of rape our changing. It used to be that "rape" only occurred between non-marital partners and only as a result of force; anything else was automatically considered sex with "consent" even though that consent may have been deduced from the fact that the victim wore short shorts or had dated the perpetrator. Now the definition of rape is evolving to take into account true consent, i.e. sober, informed, explicit verbal consent between any sexual partners married or not. Personally, I agree with that evolution.
I honestly view what happened to me as rape by fraud. DH got my consent to sex by fraud -- lying to me often over the course of years because he knew that I had said no to sex outside of monogamy. The sexual consent I gave was gained only by his manipulation and lies, and he knew that.
It's good to remember that the definition of rape has evolved from "sex by force from a stranger" to "sex without consent" only because real women stood up every day over many years and objected to the narrow definition of rape as it was then in the law.
Oh Pulease! I'm sorry your H cheated on you. That sucks, he is an asshole, and I'm sure it hurts big time to not be able to trust him again. But nothing that you described is rape. Especially your attempts to go back in time and redefine your sex with him as rape after you discovered his deceitful ways. Convincing your wife to have sex with you isn't rape, even if the the guy is a cheating asshole.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What is op talking about? Most women I know get married precisely so they can stop have sex with their then-boyfriends.
You need to meet more women. I doubt that's at all common.
You don't think it's common?
Have you ever talked to any married men about their sex life? I challenge you to talk to ten of them and ask how it is and if they would recommend marriage to a never married friend.
In a young man with ED, or at any age, he should get a check-up. If it isn't a psychological issue where he only has it when it's time to sexually perform, but can otherwise get hard like when waking up, then it could be a sign of other issues from early onset diabetes to blockages starting to form in the arteries.
Anonymous wrote:ZachF wrote:Nice man bashing thread. Like women don't want sex too? No wives in here are feeling deprived of sex, or haven't you read much? It's just these brutish men who feel all "entitled," forcing themselves on their poor suffering wives who have to endure the horrible act, or deny him?
How about instead of asking, Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage? You ask this:
Why do so many people feel entitled to sex within a marriage? Make it gender neutral.
Or to turn it around on you if you really feel it's predominately a man on woman issue:
Why do so many women feel entitled withdraw sex once married, and expect their husbands to suddenly go without sex for the rest of their lives (or until divorced which is much more likely)?
Why would either spouse be "entitled" to make a unilateral decision like that for the both of them?
Plenty of women in this thread have told op she's an idiot. She had like one or two supporters. But I'm not sure I would take criticism from someone who chose an avatar of a woman subservient to a man on get knees
I knew you would like that. I made it my avatar just for this thread. As long as we are being ridiculous and all.
Nice man bashing thread. Like women don't want sex too? No wives in here are feeling deprived of sex, or haven't you read much? It's just these brutish men who feel all "entitled," forcing themselves on their poor suffering wives who have to endure the horrible act, or deny him?
How about instead of asking, Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage? You ask this:
Why do so many people feel entitled to sex within a marriage? Make it gender neutral.
Or to turn it around on you if you really feel it's predominately a man on woman issue:
Why do so many women feel entitled withdraw sex once married, and expect their husbands to suddenly go without sex for the rest of their lives (or until divorced which is much more likely)?
Why would either spouse be "entitled" to make a unilateral decision like that for the both of them?
How about instead of asking, Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage? You ask this:
Why do so many people feel entitled to sex within a marriage? Make it gender neutral.
Or to turn it around on you if you really feel it's predominately a man on woman issue:
Why do so many women feel entitled withdraw sex once married, and expect their husbands to suddenly go without sex for the rest of their lives (or until divorced which is much more likely)?
Why would either spouse be "entitled" to make a unilateral decision like that for the both of them?
Anonymous wrote:One possible compromise: could you buy a small place in MoCo and then buy a very small weekend place somewhere in the wilderness? You could both have a good commuting location during the week and spend weekends out in nature.
Buy a "small place" in MOCO with money left over for a weekend place? Haha. You read where she is in debt, right? So buy a vacation home before paying off debt? I hope you aren't a financial planner with that advice. Besides, the BF doesn't want to live in MOCO, he sure as hell doesn't want a tiny home in MOCO.
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