Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage?

[Anonymous]

As a young woman, I don't get it. Like did you get married solely thinking you would get laid regularly? Cause that just seems so... dumb. Messed up. Awful.

Then they put pressure on their wives, who dont feel like having sex, and try to coerce or pressure them into it. Why? Because the dude wants to have sex.

I see so much outrage about Brock Turner and no one seems to be talking about this different aspect of rape culture which is that husbands are entitled to their wives bodies? When they want it?

And it's so bizarre to me. Like.... how is this a thing? In today's modern world?

Women are still expected to lie back and think of England? For reals?

[Anonymous]

Have you considered talking to you gyno about why sex repulses you so much?

You might have a hormonal issue. Or maybe you married the wrong guy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should stay single and date when you're in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Like, if you can't form a verbal thought without throwing "like" in there, I completely discount your thoughts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered talking to you gyno about why sex repulses you so much?

You might have a hormonal issue. Or maybe you married the wrong guy.

Oh sex doesn't repulse me, and I'm not married (way too young for that). I have a fairly high libido, actually- but if I dont want to have sex, we dont. And my boyfriend respects that, simple as.

I would never try to force him into having sex if he didnt feel like it either.

It seems pretty simple.

Someone doesnt want to have sex with you- DONT HAVE SEX WITH THEM! Why would you even want to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered talking to you gyno about why sex repulses you so much?

You might have a hormonal issue. Or maybe you married the wrong guy.

Oh sex doesn't repulse me, and I'm not married (way too young for that). I have a fairly high libido, actually- but if I dont want to have sex, we dont. And my boyfriend respects that, simple as.

I would never try to force him into having sex if he didnt feel like it either.

It seems pretty simple.

Someone doesnt want to have sex with you- DONT HAVE SEX WITH THEM! Why would you even want to?

Of course you are not married, nor are you ready for it. There are so many things we do for our spouses because they are our spouses. And that includes having sex from time to time when we don't really feel up to it. Entitled to sex on demand -- no, of course not. Entitled to expect sex on somewhat of a regular basis, yes. Now, if he (or she) is not satisfied with the amount, then ultimately divorce (not force) may be the answer, but he (or she) is certainly entitled to the expectation.

[Anonymous]

OP, the Brock Turner comparison seems totally asinine to me. If a women I did not know came up to me and forced me to help rear her children or split household chores, that would be unacceptable. If my wife asked me to do these things, it would be pretty darned normal. When you enter into a marriage, there's an expectation that it include certain things, such as respect, support, that you might have children, and that you will have sex.

Sometimes these expectations change before marriage, due to frank discussions, and that matters. If two people are dating, one says she has a very low sex drive and he other says he never wants kids, each of their expectations in marriage should be adjusted accordingly. But what is often the case is that a couple had a lot of sex while dating and then something in the marriage changes and the husband is surprised to find out that he relationship has changed in a way that does not work for him. Now, in a world where divorce were not a huge deal or cheating was not considered a sin, maybe the result is simple. If she doesn't want to have sex, he should end he marriage or have sex with someone else. Problem solved. But that's not how marriage currently works.

Which brings us to another very large difference between marriage and your Brock Turner example: I am fairly certain the victim did not ban Turner from having sex with anyone other than her. "I do not want to have sex with you and you are an immoral cheater if you have sex with anyone else" is a genuinely unfair position for men to be put in, and dismissing it as "tough you don't get sex" is profoundly immature.

[Anonymous]

Most people actually consider sex to be an integral part of marriage. It produces children, which are important to many people. It's also fun, and many people value that. I think that people who are in a romantic relationship generally feel entitled to sex, because that's one thing that differentiates the close emotional relationship I have with my husband and the close emotional bond I have with my best lady friend.

When my husband and I have sex, it's because we don't want to. If one of us doesn't want to, we don't. The only way we know whether we want it is to ask, but I generally assume that he wants me and he generally assumes I want him. Is that entitled?

The example of marital rape (which is what you're talking about with the "lie back and think of England") and husband entitlement does not apply to the Brock Turner story. He wasn't married to her. He wasn't in a relationship with her. He targeted her at a party and had sexual contact with her when she was unconscious. Back away from the outrage about this "not getting discussed" in this instance. It doesn't apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered talking to you gyno about why sex repulses you so much?

You might have a hormonal issue. Or maybe you married the wrong guy.

Oh sex doesn't repulse me, and I'm not married (way too young for that). I have a fairly high libido, actually- but if I dont want to have sex, we dont. And my boyfriend respects that, simple as.

I would never try to force him into having sex if he didnt feel like it either.

It seems pretty simple.

Someone doesnt want to have sex with you- DONT HAVE SEX WITH THEM! Why would you even want to?

Of course you are not married, nor are you ready for it. There are so many things we do for our spouses because they are our spouses. And that includes having sex from time to time when we don't really feel up to it. Entitled to sex on demand -- no, of course not. Entitled to expect sex on somewhat of a regular basis, yes. Now, if he (or she) is not satisfied with the amount, then ultimately divorce (not force) may be the answer, but he (or she) is certainly entitled to the expectation.

Not really. I would say if you expect someone to have sex with you even though they dont want it, then that's a major issue and emblematic of an entitlement issue that you need to seek help for.

Are people really not aware that people's libidos shift and change over time? That women's libidos especially decrease with menopause?

I see a downright villainization of the wives that dont want to have sex and it's really shocking.

I guess my advice would be if you think marriage entitles you to sex without concern for your partner's libido or lack of interest- then don't get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people actually consider sex to be an integral part of marriage. It produces children, which are important to many people. It's also fun, and many people value that. I think that people who are in a romantic relationship generally feel entitled to sex, because that's one thing that differentiates the close emotional relationship I have with my husband and the close emotional bond I have with my best lady friend.

When my husband and I have sex, it's because we don't want to. If one of us doesn't want to, we don't. The only way we know whether we want it is to ask, but I generally assume that he wants me and he generally assumes I want him. Is that entitled?

The example of marital rape (which is what you're talking about with the "lie back and think of England") and husband entitlement does not apply to the Brock Turner story. He wasn't married to her. He wasn't in a relationship with her. He targeted her at a party and had sexual contact with her when she was unconscious. Back away from the outrage about this "not getting discussed" in this instance. It doesn't apply.

But he still felt entitled to sexual access to a woman who did not want it. Just like many of the men here do.

I actually here men talking about how their wives agreed to have sex with them but "just laid there"! Um, no shit Sherlock! Because she didnt want to have sex with you!!! When you coerce someone into having sex despite their wishes, you are definitely on the rape spectrum, if not outright committing rape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered talking to you gyno about why sex repulses you so much?

You might have a hormonal issue. Or maybe you married the wrong guy.

Oh sex doesn't repulse me, and I'm not married (way too young for that). I have a fairly high libido, actually- but if I dont want to have sex, we dont. And my boyfriend respects that, simple as.

I would never try to force him into having sex if he didnt feel like it either.

It seems pretty simple.

Someone doesnt want to have sex with you- DONT HAVE SEX WITH THEM! Why would you even want to?

Of course you are not married, nor are you ready for it. There are so many things we do for our spouses because they are our spouses. And that includes having sex from time to time when we don't really feel up to it. Entitled to sex on demand -- no, of course not. Entitled to expect sex on somewhat of a regular basis, yes. Now, if he (or she) is not satisfied with the amount, then ultimately divorce (not force) may be the answer, but he (or she) is certainly entitled to the expectation.

Not really. I would say if you expect someone to have sex with you even though they dont want it, then that's a major issue and emblematic of an entitlement issue that you need to seek help for.

Are people really not aware that people's libidos shift and change over time? That women's libidos especially decrease with menopause?

I see a downright villainization of the wives that dont want to have sex and it's really shocking.

I guess my advice would be if you think marriage entitles you to sex without concern for your partner's libido or lack of interest- then don't get married.

How many relationships have you been in? How long have those relationships lasted?

What I can tell you in my experience of being married for 15 years is that my husband and I both have an expectation that the other will want to have sex. There have been times when the frequency has lessened, and during those times, we do what adults do and COMMUNICATE ABOUT IT.

I agree that there is an issue with husbands who expect sex and do not respect wives' reasons for not wanting to have sex. However, I personally believe that people who are married have an obligation to each other to maintain the romantic relationship. My impression is that many of the men who are "villainizing" their wives for not having sex feel rejected and hurt. The counter-argument to your argument is that when your actions cause your partner to feel hurt and rejected, that is a problem that should be addressed. Some women (AND MEN FOR THAT MATTER) do not address the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people actually consider sex to be an integral part of marriage. It produces children, which are important to many people. It's also fun, and many people value that. I think that people who are in a romantic relationship generally feel entitled to sex, because that's one thing that differentiates the close emotional relationship I have with my husband and the close emotional bond I have with my best lady friend.

When my husband and I have sex, it's because we don't want to. If one of us doesn't want to, we don't. The only way we know whether we want it is to ask, but I generally assume that he wants me and he generally assumes I want him. Is that entitled?

The example of marital rape (which is what you're talking about with the "lie back and think of England") and husband entitlement does not apply to the Brock Turner story. He wasn't married to her. He wasn't in a relationship with her. He targeted her at a party and had sexual contact with her when she was unconscious. Back away from the outrage about this "not getting discussed" in this instance. It doesn't apply.

But he still felt entitled to sexual access to a woman who did not want it. Just like many of the men here do.

I actually here men talking about how their wives agreed to have sex with them but "just laid there"! Um, no shit Sherlock! Because she didnt want to have sex with you!!! When you coerce someone into having sex despite their wishes, you are definitely on the rape spectrum, if not outright committing rape.

Well, if their wives "agreed to have sex with them" that would be one really key difference from the Brock Turner story. Also their wives are in longterm relationships with them, not strangers who they "met" at a party a few hours before and have no recollection of due to being unconscious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered talking to you gyno about why sex repulses you so much?

You might have a hormonal issue. Or maybe you married the wrong guy.

Oh sex doesn't repulse me, and I'm not married (way too young for that). I have a fairly high libido, actually- but if I dont want to have sex, we dont. And my boyfriend respects that, simple as.

I would never try to force him into having sex if he didnt feel like it either.

It seems pretty simple.

Someone doesnt want to have sex with you- DONT HAVE SEX WITH THEM! Why would you even want to?

Of course you are not married, nor are you ready for it. There are so many things we do for our spouses because they are our spouses. And that includes having sex from time to time when we don't really feel up to it. Entitled to sex on demand -- no, of course not. Entitled to expect sex on somewhat of a regular basis, yes. Now, if he (or she) is not satisfied with the amount, then ultimately divorce (not force) may be the answer, but he (or she) is certainly entitled to the expectation.

Not really. I would say if you expect someone to have sex with you even though they dont want it, then that's a major issue and emblematic of an entitlement issue that you need to seek help for.

Are people really not aware that people's libidos shift and change over time? That women's libidos especially decrease with menopause?

I see a downright villainization of the wives that dont want to have sex and it's really shocking.

I guess my advice would be if you think marriage entitles you to sex without concern for your partner's libido or lack of interest- then don't get married.

Generation Snowflake, Exhibit A.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered talking to you gyno about why sex repulses you so much?

You might have a hormonal issue. Or maybe you married the wrong guy.

Oh sex doesn't repulse me, and I'm not married (way too young for that). I have a fairly high libido, actually- but if I dont want to have sex, we dont. And my boyfriend respects that, simple as.

I would never try to force him into having sex if he didnt feel like it either.

It seems pretty simple.

Someone doesnt want to have sex with you- DONT HAVE SEX WITH THEM! Why would you even want to?

Of course you are not married, nor are you ready for it. There are so many things we do for our spouses because they are our spouses. And that includes having sex from time to time when we don't really feel up to it. Entitled to sex on demand -- no, of course not. Entitled to expect sex on somewhat of a regular basis, yes. Now, if he (or she) is not satisfied with the amount, then ultimately divorce (not force) may be the answer, but he (or she) is certainly entitled to the expectation.

Not really. I would say if you expect someone to have sex with you even though they dont want it, then that's a major issue and emblematic of an entitlement issue that you need to seek help for.

Are people really not aware that people's libidos shift and change over time? That women's libidos especially decrease with menopause?

I see a downright villainization of the wives that dont want to have sex and it's really shocking.

I guess my advice would be if you think marriage entitles you to sex without concern for your partner's libido or lack of interest- then don't get married.

How many relationships have you been in? How long have those relationships lasted?

What I can tell you in my experience of being married for 15 years is that my husband and I both have an expectation that the other will want to have sex. There have been times when the frequency has lessened, and during those times, we do what adults do and COMMUNICATE ABOUT IT.

I agree that there is an issue with husbands who expect sex and do not respect wives' reasons for not wanting to have sex. However, I personally believe that people who are married have an obligation to each other to maintain the romantic relationship. My impression is that many of the men who are "villainizing" their wives for not having sex feel rejected and hurt. The counter-argument to your argument is that when your actions cause your partner to feel hurt and rejected, that is a problem that should be addressed. Some women (AND MEN FOR THAT MATTER) do not address the issue.

^ I dont agree. I think "i feel hurt and rejected" is an excuse for the anger men feel when denied access to female bodies.

Not allowing someone access to your organs is certainly not on par with genuinely hurtful acts. It's sad that men have twisted it to equivocate the two (but unsurprising)

And we as a culture need to stop allowing this villainization of women who dont want sex, and call it out when it does occur.

The advice seems to always be to the female- you do need to have sex with him- rather than to the male - adjust your expectations.

Let's change that.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's an issue of feeling entitled to sex, but marriage is an agreement to not have sex with other people (usually -- there are open marriages). So if you are asking someone to agree to *only* have sex with you, then it's kind of cruel to not ever have sex with your spouse.

I'm a woman. And I don't think that anyone thinks a husband (or a wife, for that matter) is entitled to sex whenever they want it. But I do think that sex is part of marriage. And if you are going to deny someone sex (barring a medical reason or some recent tragedy/trauma), you have no right to expect them not to seek it elsewhere.