Do you regret getting married?
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Anonymous
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My BF and I have been discussing marriage. We've been together 1.5 years, and known each other almost 2 years. We met online but we really clicked and everything has always been pretty agreeable until now.
We're looking at buying a home together, but what he wants and what I want are totally different things. He wants more of a country lifestyle, moving far away to a place like Frederick whereas I grew up in MoCo and would love to raise children to be in a diverse community and have similar experiences to my own. He would be able to work remotely and still earn a DC based salary, but I would have to find a new job and probably a significant commute with a cut in salary. The catch though is I have student loans that I'm afraid will cripple our mortgage interest rate so the idea is to just have his name on the deed. Is this a stupid move? Am I shooting myself in the foot by not being a part of the deed? I would still be contributing financially to the mortgage and family expenses, but he makes about 2 times as much as I do, currently, and may be even more than that if we make this home purchase and move to Frederick. To some degree it feels like if things doesn't pan out for us, I could be at a severe loss. I already feel like I'm compromising a lot of things to make this relationship work like giving up the ability to be close in to family and friends so I feel like I'm losing a huge support network which to him (an introvert) matters less. I also don't get to stay at my job or work remotely which he can do and I'm afraid there could be resentment down the road from me toward him which wouldn't be healthy for a new marriage. I don't really know what's the right step to take next. Has anyone regretted getting married, but stayed in the marriage? |
Anonymous
| You are asking several different questions. If you are having regrets before even marrying? Don't do it! |
Anonymous
| Sometimes we have to make sacrifices. I'd love to apply for jobs out west, personally. I daydream about it constantly and even look at real estate for sale out there. My BF doesn't want to move (at least not until we retire). His happiness is important to me and to be honest makes more sense, because we have family and great friends where we are. So, I sacrificed that dream. It doesn't make me any less excited to one day marry him. To me, it kind of sounds like you have doubts and you are using these ancillary issues to give you a reason for unhappiness or discontent in your relationship because the truth is, I'll be happy wherever I am as long as my BF is with me. The surroundings are irrelevant. |
Anonymous
| you're a complete fool to pay down your boyfriend's mortgage. His wife (who most likely won't be you) is going to be much appreciative though |
Anonymous
It's crazy to give up so many things for a boyfriend. Get engaged and then make these decisions. He hasn't made a decision about you!!! |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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Think about how things would work if you got divorced. All that is left is fighting over assets if it gets to that. You cannot predict how things will turn out and it's utter foolishness to put to yourself in a position where you'll be screwed over if things don't work out. Take from someone who is being taken to the cleaner their exDW |
Anonymous
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Actually don't bother getting married - read DCUM for long enough you'll see why! |
Anonymous
| Not at all. But DH and I have always been on the same page about the big stuff and about 80% of the small stuff. He has sacrificed for Me to make a major life change and I've sacrificed for him. We were both supportive of each other and made the decisions to sacrifice together. It doesn't sound like you guys would make it the long haul, especially once kids get added in. |
Anonymous
| Break up! |
Anonymous
| FYI- you don't have to be listed on the mortgage to be listed on the deed. However, it sounds like you are compromising too much for this relationship. You should be on the same page about most of the "big things." |
Anonymous
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Just some thoughts:
You can get a prenuptial agreement to deal with the property, but honestly if you are married in Maryland, all property, no matter how titled, is considered marital property, so you'd get your fair share in a divorce. My husband is similar and wants to live in the country. I want to live in the city. We are right in the middle in Rockville. What is it about the country that appeals to him? Are those specific things something you can find closer in? Would some place like Darnestown with bigger pieces of property make him feel like it's a country setting, while keeping you closer in? I was the one to give primary care to our child when he was born. I worked close to where I live, which I think is important, because I had to pick up our son from day care when sick, for snow days, etc. It is extremely helpful to have someone close to the day care situation. It may be different if you get a nanny, but keep those logistics in mind. |
Anonymous
| I don't blame you for being nervous- sounds like you are giving up and sacrificing a lot. Is he compromising on anything? If not, don't expect that he'll "take his turn" later. Your life will only get more complicated from here on out, not less. I'd be hesitant to partner with someone if I wasn't fairly sure we could both live a life we'd enjoy together. |
Anonymous
| Maybe having a kid while make thing better. |
Anonymous
| He can get the mortgage but also add you to the deed. Do not agree to paying house expenses and mortgage without being on the deed or married for your financial protection. I suspect you'll get very resentful of the lifestyle he wants. |