How do I tell DW that her weight is a problem?

[Anonymous]

Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

[Anonymous]

You can say it any way you want but please realize that nothing you say can cause her to change her behavior. Weight loss can truly only be successful when you're doing it for yourself.

You'll probably get several recommendations to encourage her to exercise. This is a horribly ineffective way for women to lose weight. It's 90% food for women.

[Anonymous]

You don't. She knows she's gained weight; there's nothing you can tell her that's going to help. You either act like a man and live up to your vows or get out and let her move on without having someone who resents her.

[Anonymous]

Why the resentment? Are you mad that her body is a poor reflection on you somehow?

You sound like an a-hole. She deserves better.

I’m at a healthy weight, but when my weight was high after two pregnancies and not losing it for several years, my dh said nothing to me except that he loved me and found me attractive. I believe it was through his acceptance of me was I able to buckle down and do it—if he were resentful of
Me, that would have caused me to be embarrassed and unable to be healthy mentally, which would have made it awfully hard to lose weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

If you feel that strongly about your kid's weight, I doubt you could gently discuss it with her.

[Anonymous]

I would like it if my husband worked out WITH me. I wonder if you're him, he used to work out a lot on his own before we met, so I know he knows a lot about weightlifting but he won't do it with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like it if my husband worked out WITH me. I wonder if you're him, he used to work out a lot on his own before we met, so I know he knows a lot about weightlifting but he won't do it with me.

(I'm the fat wife, btw)

[Anonymous]

Is she overweight, or still in the healthy range? I am five eight. I used to weigh 125. I gained thirty pounds and now weigh 155. Would I like to lose? Sure, but I am not overweight and don’t need to lose weight.

If she is still in the healthy range, say nothing.

If she is just over the healthy range, say nothing.

I would only consider saying something if there is a true danger to her health.

Women in our society are aware when they are overweight. Most want to lose. They don’t need their husbands fat shaming them. Especially now, in the middle of a pandemic. I would imagine she is probably dealing with all sorts of stresses especially if you have kids or elderly parents to care for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

If you feel that strongly about your kid's weight, I doubt you could gently discuss it with her.

+1

OP just love your daughter. Find the good in her. I’m sure she has lots of great qualities.

[Anonymous]

She knows she is fat. You’re not going to help anything.

[Anonymous]

I think the only thing you can do it model positive behavior yourself.

Don’t late night snack, don’t buy junk food, if you are doing the cooking cook heathy things. If she is doing the cooking, ask her to cook heathy things (be specific, let’s eat more whole grain and fish..or whatever you want to change). Make time to work out yourself.

This is what I did when my husband’s weight crept up. I do all the grocery shopping and cooking though, so I have a lot of control over the food in the house. I can’t control snacking though- that is on him. But I stopped my snacking habit. It is always tempting to grab a snack when you see someone else get one. His slowed down a lot too. He lost 20 lbs and is feeling great about himself and works out regularly now.

[Anonymous]

Why are people talking about op's kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can say it any way you want but please realize that nothing you say can cause her to change her behavior. Weight loss can truly only be successful when you're doing it for yourself.

You'll probably get several recommendations to encourage her to exercise. This is a horribly ineffective way for women to lose weight. It's 90% food for women.

+1 It's all about the food. I hope you aren't piling up the food in front of her. It's tough when your husband can eat 2800 calories a day and not gain weight. Workouts burn way less calories than you think they would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

So... she doesn't exist to visually please you and I think you need to reframe your thoughts on her weight gain, or she will certainly pick up on the contempt you have for her (if she hasn't already). How does she feel about her weight gain? Has she talked about it?

If you bring it up, you can't focus on how she looks or weight and expect a positive response. One thing you could try would be to say to her that you want to get healthier and would love her help and support in eating better and not having junk snacks, and drinking less if you think a lot of the calories are coming from there. If you 'both' work on eating healthier, it may help her lose weight while being something you can do together.

If you make her feel safe and not judged she may also open up to you about what is going on with her weight, like depression or not having the time to exercise or cook. If she does, you can also offer to take the kids if she wants to go for a walk/run/do a workout video/post-covid go to the gym or support her to talk to a therapist. You also have to accept she might say she is happier at her current weight and then you decide if you can happily live with that.

[Anonymous]

Op it really has to come from her and its mainly mindset. If you are in the right frame of mind, it is easier, meaning you really want to do it.

I would tell her that someone's wife from work had some health issues because of their weight (diabetes or something) and you are concerned about her health. Our weight today impacts so much of tomorrow.

I would say you want her to be able to be active on holidays, not have weight related illnesses and conditions, be able to play with kids/grandkids if you are having children, just make it that you are concerned for her health.

Then be proactive at home, no junk food in the house, don't eat it in front of her, encourage her to go for a walk with you during the day, evening. Food prep on the weekend with her so you have ready made meals for dinner throughout the week or for lunches at work - this really does help, if the food is there, it's easy.

Finally if she doesn't want to change I'm sorry she won't, then you can bring up the more personal issues but that probably won't go well.