How do I tell DW that her weight is a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

how old are your children?

Kids are 4, 2.5, and 10 months. I know that breastfeeding can interfere with weight loss, but she stopped a few months ago, and if anything, she has gained weight since then.
I am an essential employee at a demanding job, so fixing her lunch and dinner isn’t really something that I can do.
I realize she can’t go to the gym right now (gym childcare is closed because of covid), but she could take the baby monitor downstairs and do a workout before the kids wake up in the morning. It’s like she doesn’t care at all.

Yeah, OP. I'm sorry but unless your wife is getting 2 hours of time to herself each day, she cannot properly take care of herself. I can't imagine being at home with kids that age. She's also probably not sleeping nearly enough which interferes with weight loss. I think the fact that she hasn't had a complete mental breakdown proves she's winning. She probably resents that you get to be out of the house with time to take a piss on your own each day. Also, of course you could do meal prep. You are home at night, correct? You could prep some things then. You refuse to support her but you're resentful of the fact that she's put the needs of you and your three young kids above her own? Would you prefer she puts them in front of the TV all day and exercises? Do you want her to leave the house as soon as you get home for some self care? Sheesh. I'd love for you to be "on" with your kids for three days by yourself. Take some time off and try it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so funny to me that people say that a moo of young children has let herself go if she gains weight.

If you look at a person and how much effort she puts into various life activities before and after she has kids, chances are she is going to be putting MUCH more effort into her life after she has kids. She is probably working harder than ever before. She hasn’t let herself go. It’s just that most women simply don’t have the capacity to do everything they did before and care for kids on top of that. We are humans, not cyborgs.

OMG, this. And his solution is that she should get even less sleep than she already is, by waking up earlier so she can work out before the kids get up.

First, that's probably not going to help -- for most women, weight loss is about diet. She's exhausted, most likely, which messes with your appetite-regulating hormones, and it's likely much harder to make healthy meals because she's busy with kids.

And second, it's just so contemptuous. This is his wife and the mother of his children. And he's just mad that she's not hot anymore and thinks it's a character flaw rather than the result of, you know, having three kids under 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

how old are your children?

Kids are 4, 2.5, and 10 months. I know that breastfeeding can interfere with weight loss, but she stopped a few months ago, and if anything, she has gained weight since then.
I am an essential employee at a demanding job, so fixing her lunch and dinner isn’t really something that I can do.
I realize she can’t go to the gym right now (gym childcare is closed because of covid), but she could take the baby monitor downstairs and do a workout before the kids wake up in the morning. It’s like she doesn’t care at all.

Yeah, OP. I'm sorry but unless your wife is getting 2 hours of time to herself each day, she cannot properly take care of herself. I can't imagine being at home with kids that age. She's also probably not sleeping nearly enough which interferes with weight loss. I think the fact that she hasn't had a complete mental breakdown proves she's winning. She probably resents that you get to be out of the house with time to take a piss on your own each day. Also, of course you could do meal prep. You are home at night, correct? You could prep some things then. You refuse to support her but you're resentful of the fact that she's put the needs of you and your three young kids above her own? Would you prefer she puts them in front of the TV all day and exercises? Do you want her to leave the house as soon as you get home for some self care? Sheesh. I'd love for you to be "on" with your kids for three days by yourself. Take some time off and try it.

If I knew her, that's what I would tell her to do. The minute he walks in the door, she walks out for "exercise." Come back after the kids are in bed.

The OP won't do anything to help her. He's too busy to help with meal prep, and he's not offering to watch the kids so she can exercise -- but he does think she obviously doesn't care because she doesn't want to get up an hour earlier to work out.

[Anonymous]

How dare you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Don't say anything about working out, it's 90% diet.

If it were me and my husband really had this concern. I would want him to hire a home chef to make healthy nutritious meals or a meal delivery service.

Not sure if this is in the budget for you but if it is, it's something that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything about working out, it's 90% diet.

If it were me and my husband really had this concern. I would want him to hire a home chef to make healthy nutritious meals or a meal delivery service.

Not sure if this is in the budget for you but if it is, it's something that works.

Yep -- either OP needs to step it up and do more meal prep, or he needs to pay for someone else to do it. A woman with three little kids is going to be cooking food that's quick and easy and kid-friendly, which often means highly processed. Or she's not getting regular, normal meals, so she's snacking off of the kids' plates, she's snacking during the day when she has time, and so she doesn't realize how much she's eating, and it's not especially healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs time to work out, and more sleep. Arrange your schedule to give her those things. Working out yourself and leaving her to deal with the kids will only mean she has less time to work out, it will not help at all.

+1 My husband and I are at healthy weights, but both need to exercise more for our own mental and physical well being. I feel like I need to spend "free time" engaging with kids, cleaning, working, ... Both of us support one another's need to have 30 minutes to ourselves from time to time. I'll suggest he go for a run or call a friend. He'll do the same or suggest I take a nap. Support her physical and mental health by being a supportive partner. And get over yourself. You're nothing to write home about, either.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DW deserves SO MUCH better than you. She has given birth to three kids in four years and the youngest is 10 months old, plus she has to do all the childcare while you do your “essential” work. Try really hard to stop being such a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Stop the dogpile. Plenty of us have 3 kids those ages and haven't gained 30-40lbs. That is excessive in 4 years! 5-10lbs is more normal. If she's overwhelmed maybe being a sahm isn't working for her and you all should get more help or a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop the dogpile. Plenty of us have 3 kids those ages and haven't gained 30-40lbs. That is excessive in 4 years! 5-10lbs is more normal. If she's overwhelmed maybe being a sahm isn't working for her and you all should get more help or a nanny.

But shocker: everybody is different! All kids are different! And everybody has different levels of help from their partners.

And who isn’t overwhelmed when they have kids whose ages? It would be really weird not to be overwhelmed. But the idea of help is a great one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop the dogpile. Plenty of us have 3 kids those ages and haven't gained 30-40lbs. That is excessive in 4 years! 5-10lbs is more normal. If she's overwhelmed maybe being a sahm isn't working for her and you all should get more help or a nanny.

The dogpile is because OP is a jerk. He thinks his wife is a lazy slob because she's gained weight (he clearly doesn't even know how much) when she's got three very little kids at home by herself. He's not worried about her health, he's not asking how he can support her eating healthier and getting exercise, he's asking how to tell her that he no longer finds her attractive and thinks her weight gain says bad things about her character. His only solution is that she should get up even earlier to exercise at home. He's not offering to watch the kids so she can exercise, he rejects the idea that he should help with meal prep. He's a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop the dogpile. Plenty of us have 3 kids those ages and haven't gained 30-40lbs. That is excessive in 4 years! 5-10lbs is more normal. If she's overwhelmed maybe being a sahm isn't working for her and you all should get more help or a nanny.

Thank you. I think if she really cared, she could have maintained her weight.
And she isn’t a SAHM. She is also an essential employee, but she works part time and goes in later than I do, which is why I suggested that she work out before the kids get up in the morning.
We do have a nanny here while she is working, and we have a weekly housekeeper. I will talk to her about getting a chef as well. Maybe that would be a good way to open the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so funny to me that people say that a moo of young children has let herself go if she gains weight.

If you look at a person and how much effort she puts into various life activities before and after she has kids, chances are she is going to be putting MUCH more effort into her life after she has kids. She is probably working harder than ever before. She hasn’t let herself go. It’s just that most women simply don’t have the capacity to do everything they did before and care for kids on top of that. We are humans, not cyborgs.

OMG, this. And his solution is that she should get even less sleep than she already is, by waking up earlier so she can work out before the kids get up.

First, that's probably not going to help -- for most women, weight loss is about diet. She's exhausted, most likely, which messes with your appetite-regulating hormones, and it's likely much harder to make healthy meals because she's busy with kids.

And second, it's just so contemptuous. This is his wife and the mother of his children. And he's just mad that she's not hot anymore and thinks it's a character flaw rather than the result of, you know, having three kids under 5.

Maybe she is keeping the extra weight on purpose for awhile to discourage OP from knocking her up again immediately and adding even more stress to her life...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop the dogpile. Plenty of us have 3 kids those ages and haven't gained 30-40lbs. That is excessive in 4 years! 5-10lbs is more normal. If she's overwhelmed maybe being a sahm isn't working for her and you all should get more help or a nanny.

OP should divorce his wife and marry you. You sound like you’d be perfect for each other 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

how old are your children?

Kids are 4, 2.5, and 10 months. I know that breastfeeding can interfere with weight loss, but she stopped a few months ago, and if anything, she has gained weight since then.
I am an essential employee at a demanding job, so fixing her lunch and dinner isn’t really something that I can do.
I realize she can’t go to the gym right now (gym childcare is closed because of covid), but she could take the baby monitor downstairs and do a workout before the kids wake up in the morning. It’s like she doesn’t care at all.

I can't even.