How do I tell DW that her weight is a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she overweight, or still in the healthy range? I am five eight. I used to weigh 125. I gained thirty pounds and now weigh 155. Would I like to lose? Sure, but I am not overweight and don’t need to lose weight.

If she is still in the healthy range, say nothing.

If she is just over the healthy range, say nothing.

I would only consider saying something if there is a true danger to her health.

Women in our society are aware when they are overweight. Most want to lose. They don’t need their husbands fat shaming them. Especially now, in the middle of a pandemic. I would imagine she is probably dealing with all sorts of stresses especially if you have kids or elderly parents to care for.

I’m sorry, what? I’m 5’7” and weigh 125 and if I gained 30lbs I would of course be fat. Just because it’s in the “range” of some medics chart as normal doesn’t mean you aren’t carrying around too much fat. If you were healthy 30lbs lighter then you are not healthy now unless you have gained 20lbs of muscle.

OP could make healthier grocery shopping. Take over a few dinner and make low cal stuff. Fix his wife lunches that are healthy and generally show he is into improving their lives. Is his DH likes to exercise the he should get her whatever gear she would use and ensure she has an hour per day to herself.

https://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancer-causes/diet-physical-activity/body-weight-and-cancer-risk/adult-bmi.html

Five eight and 155 is not overweight. 155 is nine pounds lower than 164, which is the overweight cutoff. 125 is the very lowest you can be at that height and still be considered healthy.

[Anonymous]

“Baby I’m head over heels for you, but you’ve gained weight, I’ll help you lose it...”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

how old are your children?

Kids are 4, 2.5, and 10 months. I know that breastfeeding can interfere with weight loss, but she stopped a few months ago, and if anything, she has gained weight since then.
I am an essential employee at a demanding job, so fixing her lunch and dinner isn’t really something that I can do.
I realize she can’t go to the gym right now (gym childcare is closed because of covid), but she could take the baby monitor downstairs and do a workout before the kids wake up in the morning. It’s like she doesn’t care at all.

[Anonymous]

OMG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

how old are your children?

Kids are 4, 2.5, and 10 months. I know that breastfeeding can interfere with weight loss, but she stopped a few months ago, and if anything, she has gained weight since then.
I am an essential employee at a demanding job, so fixing her lunch and dinner isn’t really something that I can do.
I realize she can’t go to the gym right now (gym childcare is closed because of covid), but she could take the baby monitor downstairs and do a workout before the kids wake up in the morning. It’s like she doesn’t care at all.

Honestly, I'd run away from home with 3 kids at those ages and no childcare. The 4 y/o probably doesn't nap anymore, so she doesn't have 10 minutes for herself during the day. Is the 10 months old SSTN? If she's no longer breastfeeding, do you wake up to feed the baby at night, if needed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

how old are your children?

Kids are 4, 2.5, and 10 months. I know that breastfeeding can interfere with weight loss, but she stopped a few months ago, and if anything, she has gained weight since then.
I am an essential employee at a demanding job, so fixing her lunch and dinner isn’t really something that I can do.
I realize she can’t go to the gym right now (gym childcare is closed because of covid), but she could take the baby monitor downstairs and do a workout before the kids wake up in the morning. It’s like she doesn’t care at all.

Honestly, I'd run away from home with 3 kids at those ages and no childcare. The 4 y/o probably doesn't nap anymore, so she doesn't have 10 minutes for herself during the day. Is the 10 months old SSTN? If she's no longer breastfeeding, do you wake up to feed the baby at night, if needed?

Like me, she's probable stressed and depressed about her life. You suggesting she get up earlier and workout isn't going to help. She needs someone to take a little of the the emotional weight off her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

how old are your children?

Kids are 4, 2.5, and 10 months. I know that breastfeeding can interfere with weight loss, but she stopped a few months ago, and if anything, she has gained weight since then.
I am an essential employee at a demanding job, so fixing her lunch and dinner isn’t really something that I can do.
I realize she can’t go to the gym right now (gym childcare is closed because of covid), but she could take the baby monitor downstairs and do a workout before the kids wake up in the morning. It’s like she doesn’t care at all.

Omg! You are a total jerk OP!!!!!!!!

3 kids under 5 and you're b'tching!!!!mmm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only woman who would want to know that I was repulsing DH?

Yep I’d love to know. Dh and I are in love. It would make me change things If I knew he was repulsed by my breath or weight or whatever. I’m not a sugar baby and don’t exist to please dh either. I’d tell him if something were an issue. We’ve been together 15 years too. I’d hate to find out the reason he didn’t want sex was something I could change.

Yes! This is a much better way of saying what I did above. I trust DH to be gentle with my feelings, but I do want to please him! If there’s something he would prefer, and I can fix it, I want him to tell me. I won’t melt! And if I thought his request was unreasonable, I feel safe enough to say so. Good spouses don’t expect spouses to look 25 forever, but it’s fair to ask them to take care of themselves.

Yes! Op doesn’t sound like a monster who is whining about small weight gain. I wish dh would tell me before our marriage falls apart or he wishes to divorce. My dh isn’t an ahole at all, but he was thrilled physically with my body when the baby weight was gone. He’d never said anything either. I wouldn’t be as nice though and wouldn’t be thrilled with a beer gut.

The answer is for OP to work on himself such that he doesn't let weight gain lead to divorce. There's nothing inevitable about it. He's choosing make his resentment her problem when it's 100% his. You make a lifelong commitment, not "until I don't think you're hot anymore."

OP needs to work on the relationship with his wife, not her weight. The weight is a symptom of something else.

This 100%. I'm speaking from experience.

[Anonymous]

Okay essential worker, what do you do to help when you are at home? Take out trash once a week? Pay the bills once a month? Do light home repairs?

Being a SAHM is EXHAUSTING and relentless and demoralizing if you have a crappy spouse. During a pandemic it’s harder because she can’t just take the kids to the library or an indoor play area. Please please love and support her.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to shut it right now. 3 kids under 5 during a pandemic and you’re complaining about weight gain?

Doesn’t matter how much you pull your weight taking care of those kids. Having babies is HARD on women’s bodies and it’s NOT the norm that we can get back to pre-baby weight right away. You have a 10 month old for f**ks sake. Give her a break!

[Anonymous]

It’s so funny to me that people say that a moo of young children has let herself go if she gains weight.

If you look at a person and how much effort she puts into various life activities before and after she has kids, chances are she is going to be putting MUCH more effort into her life after she has kids. She is probably working harder than ever before. She hasn’t let herself go. It’s just that most women simply don’t have the capacity to do everything they did before and care for kids on top of that. We are humans, not cyborgs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

how old are your children?

Kids are 4, 2.5, and 10 months. I know that breastfeeding can interfere with weight loss, but she stopped a few months ago, and if anything, she has gained weight since then.
I am an essential employee at a demanding job, so fixing her lunch and dinner isn’t really something that I can do.
I realize she can’t go to the gym right now (gym childcare is closed because of covid), but she could take the baby monitor downstairs and do a workout before the kids wake up in the morning. It’s like she doesn’t care at all.

If you can’t find ways to support her emotionally, with the 3 very young kids, and around the house then YOU are the problem here.

If you can’t help yourself, outsource.
- Offer to hire a personal chef.
- Get a regular babysitter.
- Send her away to a hotel for some R&R.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so funny to me that people say that a moo of young children has let herself go if she gains weight.

If you look at a person and how much effort she puts into various life activities before and after she has kids, chances are she is going to be putting MUCH more effort into her life after she has kids. She is probably working harder than ever before. She hasn’t let herself go. It’s just that most women simply don’t have the capacity to do everything they did before and care for kids on top of that. We are humans, not cyborgs.

1 million times this.

Jeff should make this post a sticky at the top of all forums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she overweight, or still in the healthy range? I am five eight. I used to weigh 125. I gained thirty pounds and now weigh 155. Would I like to lose? Sure, but I am not overweight and don’t need to lose weight.

If she is still in the healthy range, say nothing.

If she is just over the healthy range, say nothing.

I would only consider saying something if there is a true danger to her health.

Women in our society are aware when they are overweight. Most want to lose. They don’t need their husbands fat shaming them. Especially now, in the middle of a pandemic. I would imagine she is probably dealing with all sorts of stresses especially if you have kids or elderly parents to care for.

I’m sorry, what? I’m 5’7” and weigh 125 and if I gained 30lbs I would of course be fat. Just because it’s in the “range” of some medics chart as normal doesn’t mean you aren’t carrying around too much fat. If you were healthy 30lbs lighter then you are not healthy now unless you have gained 20lbs of muscle.

OP could make healthier grocery shopping. Take over a few dinner and make low cal stuff. Fix his wife lunches that are healthy and generally show he is into improving their lives. Is his DH likes to exercise the he should get her whatever gear she would use and ensure she has an hour per day to herself.

https://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancer-causes/diet-physical-activity/body-weight-and-cancer-risk/adult-bmi.html

Five eight and 155 is not overweight. 155 is nine pounds lower than 164, which is the overweight cutoff. 125 is the very lowest you can be at that height and still be considered healthy.

Do you really just go by these universal charts as opposed to how the individual is built? I'm 5'6" and I usually weigh between 113 and 120. Never in my life has a doctor told me I'm underweight. Never. I have a small frame (skinny ankles and wrists) and I usually have muscle when I'm exercising. I also have folds of fat on my belly and fat on my thighs. If I gained 30 pounds I would be fat. I'm not saying OP's wife is like this, but I have known too many people who think that because they are not "technically obese" by a chart that they are fine even when they are clearly eating poorly, not moving, and have gained so much they don't fit in their clothes. Also, a chart just does not and cannot give you an accurate BMI. Only calipers can give you an estimate, or a proper tub of water for measuring this is accurate. The charts are as stupid as the food pyramid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

Consider the stresses in her environment and deal with that, my friend.