How do I tell DW that her weight is a problem?

[Anonymous]

You don’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like it if my husband worked out WITH me. I wonder if you're him, he used to work out a lot on his own before we met, so I know he knows a lot about weightlifting but he won't do it with me.

Daily gym-goer here. It’s because there are women he flirts with at the gym.

[Anonymous]

Is there any other topic that brings out such disparate responses by gender as the overweight spouse? I’m at a loss to think of one.

[Anonymous]

Go hiking or biking with her. Ask her to do couples yoga or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people talking about op's kid?

Oh. The way op was talking made it seem like a parent/child relationship. Spouses should be equals. Op seems to think s/he is in charge of dws body and weight.

[Anonymous]

She needs time to work out, and more sleep. Arrange your schedule to give her those things. Working out yourself and leaving her to deal with the kids will only mean she has less time to work out, it will not help at all.

[Anonymous]

What worked for me was seeing myself in a picture. Take a picture with your wife. Show her, don’t say anything. She might realize she’s not happy with how she looks. That was my motivation to lose weight 2x in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs time to work out, and more sleep. Arrange your schedule to give her those things. Working out yourself and leaving her to deal with the kids will only mean she has less time to work out, it will not help at all.

Yep. That early morning run is contingent on me being on duty. Let me work in already? I could use private time before the day begins as well.

[Anonymous]

How is your marriage otherwise? Are you equal partners, still best friends, do fun things, laugh together, mutual interests, mutual respect? How’s your communication with each other? That you are asking this question here and saying you are not attracted to her anymore suggests that your marriage is in need of work more than her weight. I would work on that first and maybe weight loss will follow.

[Anonymous]

Another perspective, maybe replace concern about weight gain with concern about your DW’s wellness?

Personally I would be pretty sad to learn my value in the marriage is based much in my weight. I think I would get defensive and really upset if my spouse brought this up. If my spouse approached me with genuine concern for my wellness that would be different.

If this resonates with you then start a convo with her where you lead with questions. Forget about trying to make the point to tell her about her weight gain and what you don’t like about it. Instead, ask her how she has been doing and what’s going on with genuine curiosity and with no hidden agenda but to just give her a space to express herself and for you to better understand her.

If she brings up her weight then learning what she thinks about her weight and how she is feeling is much more important to your marriage and emotional intimacy than anything else.

Also, if you find the weight thing is more important than the wellness thing then I would advise taking a look at that value and ask yourself what it really serves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

In those past few years did you guys have any kids? And following those pregnancies/nursing did you ensure your wife got enough time to prioritize her diet and recovery and get PT if she needed it? So many women I know have gained weight after children while they’re desperately trying to keep up nursing on little sleep and their diets inevitably suffer. I don’t mean diet like “weight loss” I mean “high quality nutrition not the muffin you just inhaled because you’re starving and don’t have time to poach an egg before the baby wakes up”. So if you weren’t right there making her nutritious food and ensuring she had time to exercise and get sleep, you let the team down.

Make sure your wife has the time and the resources to prioritize her health. Get a housekeeper or cleaning service and make sure she has several hours daily of free time. Offer to join a really nice gym together (something like equinox or similar so the experience is enjoyable) or purchase a Peleton if that’s something she would enjoy. Do not police her food or her exercise.

And though your wife’s weight may change with diet and exercise, the kind of personality flaws that lead you to write on an internet board that you find your wife unappealing will probably require more work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

how old are your children?

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and I have the same issue with my husband. I don't have a solution for you, OP. I do all the meal planning and cook healthy food. I encourage us to hike and do active things as a family. If my weight creeps up 5 pounds, I talk about how I'm trying to lose and I count calories, trying to set an example. We even set up a home gym at his request that he doesn't use. But his belly is just getting bigger and he doesn't seem to care about his health or his body. It's a frustrating place for a spouse to be in, and I don't see this trend reversing. We're in our 40s now, so I think the stakes are higher health-wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any other topic that brings out such disparate responses by gender as the overweight spouse? I’m at a loss to think of one.

There are a lot of women here who seem pretty resentful.

OP: focus on her health and happiness. “You previously talked to me about how you’re happier when you work out regularly. Shall we sign up for a personal trainer/buy a Peloton/join a running group?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any other topic that brings out such disparate responses by gender as the overweight spouse? I’m at a loss to think of one.

Well first of all my answer is the same either way, you can’t make a person want to lose weight through comments. They have to decide.

But second, it’s probably because our misogynistic culture makes women’s worth all about their sex appeal but the same is not true for men. So when you tell a woman she’s no longer sexually appealing you are saying she’s worthless as a human and the same is not true for men, who derive value from other things.

Still, it doesn’t matter either way. Weight loss, and maintaining that loss, is extremely difficult and rare. It takes a lot of resolve and it has to come from within.