How do I tell DW that her weight is a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

how old are your children?

Kids are 4, 2.5, and 10 months. I know that breastfeeding can interfere with weight loss, but she stopped a few months ago, and if anything, she has gained weight since then.
I am an essential employee at a demanding job, so fixing her lunch and dinner isn’t really something that I can do.
I realize she can’t go to the gym right now (gym childcare is closed because of covid), but she could take the baby monitor downstairs and do a workout before the kids wake up in the morning. It’s like she doesn’t care at all.

So, you have three kids under 5 and you are away the whole day.

Can you hire your wife a personal trainer and a babysitter to watch the kids while she is working out?
Can you hire a chef to prepare and serve healthy meals for the whole family?

If the answers to above are no, you can’t afford a thin wife. Deal with it. Stop eating and sleeping and go earn more money. Or keep your demands to yourself.

This post reminds me of Pierce Brosnan’s obese wife. The guy has millions and his wife is a whale. If Brianna can’t help his wife, there is no hope for OP!

[Anonymous]

I meant Brosnan, not Brianna. Damn autocorrect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you cheating? Because it sounds like you are looking for an excuse to denigrate your superhero wife who is literally doing it all, and I can't for the life of me figure out why you would view her as anything other than a goddess for working AND having 3 babies in 4 years.

If you want your wife to have a hot body, pay for someone to prepare healthy meals for your family and watch your children long enough for her to sleep and practice self care (or do it yourself). If you aren't going to do that, sit down, shut up, and be grateful for all she is doing.

+1

WORSHIP that body and all that it has done for your family over the last 5 years. Embrace every curve and cherish your amazing superhero wife.

And get a vasectomy FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't worry about 30-40 lbs. As a male I can't imagine 30-40 lbs changing my view of someone.

I like you

Thanks, just odd to me. Even if someone went front 100 to 140lbs it is not like they are obese and not attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, are you cheating? Because it sounds like you are looking for an excuse to denigrate your superhero wife who is literally doing it all, and I can't for the life of me figure out why you would view her as anything other than a goddess for working AND having 3 babies in 4 years.

If you want your wife to have a hot body, pay for someone to prepare healthy meals for your family and watch your children long enough for her to sleep and practice self care (or do it yourself). If you aren't going to do that, sit down, shut up, and be grateful for all she is doing.


+1

WORSHIP that body and all that it has done for your family over the last 5 years. Embrace every curve and cherish your amazing superhero wife.

And get a vasectomy FFS.

Absolutely. If OP was all-in for having that number of kids in that time span, then he needs to understand that his expectations about his wife's weight at this point in time are unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

When my kids were born, I stayed 20-25+ for at least a year after each one. I eventually lost most of the weight once I was no longer breastfeeding and could leave kids for longer stretches. If she has a 10 month old, please be patient and supportive . It is so hard to lose weight with each subsequent kid bc you have less and less time. If my DH had said anything about my weight, I’d have been totally crushed, and I’d likely always have that insecurity in the back of me mind even years later. So glad he never went that route and gave me positive reinforcement. Obviously at 42 I don’t look the same as I did at 29, so have some grace. Our bodies change as we age. Child birthing and aging do that.

[Anonymous]

OP, with three kids under five, and one not even a year old, your wife is understandably focused on other things than her figure. Weight gain can be harder to fight after each subsequent pregnancy.

With that said....eating less takes no time at all. It doesn't. Your wife is already taking the time to eat, so she can use that time to eat less.

Most of it is food. Pandemic has been hard on everyone staying home close to food, especially for people who love food. I gained ten pounds on my already overweight frame. My DH told me once I am the heaviest he ever knew me. It didn't hurt my feelings at all since it is the truth. But it helped a little bit in reaching this point of personal disgust where you just decide to overhaul your eating. I'm at this point now, doing nothing differently except eating way, way less.

[Anonymous]

OP, I kinda sympathized with you until I saw you had three kids under 4, with one only being 10 months old. Support her, love her, get her the childcare help she needs and she will lose that weight, because SHE will want to. If you tell her she is fat she will resent you and rightfully so. Have some respect and patience, she just gave you three kids FFS. Pregnancies are exhausting and so is taking care of three children with very little help while she is also working.

[Anonymous]

You can’t win, OP. This site is full of women defending women and too often hating men. Yeah, it is shallow to prioritize weight now, but you are being honest. Maybe she can be equally shallow about your weight gain or hair loss or short stature or mediocre salary? You and your wife are both imperfect human beings. I hope you can convince her — and to 50%+ of other overweight women — to eat less, eat healthier, exercise more, and be in then normal BMI (20-25). But, if not, then make your choice and live with it...

[Anonymous]

OP, ten months is literally nothing is the scale of changes to human metabolism.

And how are you looking these days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the dogpile. Plenty of us have 3 kids those ages and haven't gained 30-40lbs. That is excessive in 4 years! 5-10lbs is more normal. If she's overwhelmed maybe being a sahm isn't working for her and you all should get more help or a nanny.

Thank you. I think if she really cared, she could have maintained her weight.
And she isn’t a SAHM. She is also an essential employee, but she works part time and goes in later than I do, which is why I suggested that she work out before the kids get up in the morning.
We do have a nanny here while she is working, and we have a weekly housekeeper. I will talk to her about getting a chef as well. Maybe that would be a good way to open the conversation.

She works too?! You are absolutely insane. I hope she doesn't get cancer, you seem the type to kick her to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Some good advice here.
My husband’s weight has fluctuated. When kids were little, he put on loads of weight, which he’s now lost. I love him regardless.
I have had two kids with him and am now entering menopause. I’d be quite mad if he approached me about my weight from a judging perspective and not from a place of love. Really mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I kinda sympathized with you until I saw you had three kids under 4, with one only being 10 months old. Support her, love her, get her the childcare help she needs and she will lose that weight, because SHE will want to. If you tell her she is fat she will resent you and rightfully so. Have some respect and patience, she just gave you three kids FFS. Pregnancies are exhausting and so is taking care of three children with very little help while she is also working.

I was literally about to write the same thing. Three kids under 5?? Having kids that close together surely does a number on a woman’s body. If she added extra weight with each pregnancy.. there is your answer. And now she is utterly exhausted by working and taking care of three small children.

Hire the nanny to stick around on the weekend for a couple hours so your wife can get some time to herself- she’s probably so overwhelmed and exhausted that working out is the furthest thing from her mind. Tell her take some time to herself and go for walk outside. Sometimes that is all it takes to kickstart the idea of getting more exercise. She is probably also snacking on all the “kid” food that we tend to forget we even ate.. like extra chicken nuggets, fries here or there. It adds up.

Is she drinking? I mean frankly I’d probably be if I was her.. but anyway alcohol adds on so many extra calories.

OP you have to cut her some slack- she has put her body through the ringer carrying and delivering and now taking care of your three children. Unless you are willing to fork over major $$ for a personal trainer and dietician, I think you need to step back from this for while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another perspective, maybe replace concern about weight gain with concern about your DW’s wellness?

Personally I would be pretty sad to learn my value in the marriage is based much in my weight. I think I would get defensive and really upset if my spouse brought this up. If my spouse approached me with genuine concern for my wellness that would be different.

If this resonates with you then start a convo with her where you lead with questions. Forget about trying to make the point to tell her about her weight gain and what you don’t like about it. Instead, ask her how she has been doing and what’s going on with genuine curiosity and with no hidden agenda but to just give her a space to express herself and for you to better understand her.

If she brings up her weight then learning what she thinks about her weight and how she is feeling is much more important to your marriage and emotional intimacy than anything else.

Also, if you find the weight thing is more important than the wellness thing then I would advise taking a look at that value and ask yourself what it really serves.

I agree with this. I'm an overweight wife and when I gained a lot of weight, my DH approached it by telling me he loves me, but is concerned because he can see that I am using food to cope with problems and it's unhealthy and he's concerned. Honestly, I got defensive and hurt and yelled at him about my weight, but after I calmed down it really was a wake-up call for me. I eventually told him that I appreciated him talking to me since it snapped me back into realization.

So far I lost about half of what I gained and it's a slow process - the other thing my DH does is encourage me and tells me he's proud that i'm taking care of myself (doesn't mention weight, just that I'm doing self-care). So even through the process he's been helpful.

You bought that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past few years, DW has put on quite a bit of weight. Probably 30-40 pounds. At first, I tried to be understanding about it, but over time, it has caused me to start to feel resentment. It is very unappealing to me, both physically and from the standpoint that I think letting yourself go does not reflect well on a person. How do I deal with this in a gentle manner?

30-40 pounds might be a health issue. Have you encouraged her to get her thyroid and hormones checked? Depression?

If my spouse suddenly put on a lot of weight I’d be concerned for their health, not resentful. Get it together and be there for her while she figures this out.