How do I tell DW that her weight is a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the dogpile. Plenty of us have 3 kids those ages and haven't gained 30-40lbs. That is excessive in 4 years! 5-10lbs is more normal. If she's overwhelmed maybe being a sahm isn't working for her and you all should get more help or a nanny.

Thank you. I think if she really cared, she could have maintained her weight.
And she isn’t a SAHM. She is also an essential employee, but she works part time and goes in later than I do, which is why I suggested that she work out before the kids get up in the morning.
We do have a nanny here while she is working, and we have a weekly housekeeper. I will talk to her about getting a chef as well. Maybe that would be a good way to open the conversation.

Wow. I get why she must be miserable.

Maybe the nanny should go full-time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so funny to me that people say that a moo of young children has let herself go if she gains weight.

If you look at a person and how much effort she puts into various life activities before and after she has kids, chances are she is going to be putting MUCH more effort into her life after she has kids. She is probably working harder than ever before. She hasn’t let herself go. It’s just that most women simply don’t have the capacity to do everything they did before and care for kids on top of that. We are humans, not cyborgs.

+1

[Anonymous]

Your position to "tell" her about her weight is directly proportional to how much money you make.

How much money do you make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the dogpile. Plenty of us have 3 kids those ages and haven't gained 30-40lbs. That is excessive in 4 years! 5-10lbs is more normal. If she's overwhelmed maybe being a sahm isn't working for her and you all should get more help or a nanny.

Thank you. I think if she really cared, she could have maintained her weight.
And she isn’t a SAHM. She is also an essential employee, but she works part time and goes in later than I do, which is why I suggested that she work out before the kids get up in the morning.
We do have a nanny here while she is working, and we have a weekly housekeeper. I will talk to her about getting a chef as well. Maybe that would be a good way to open the conversation.

OP, you are a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the dogpile. Plenty of us have 3 kids those ages and haven't gained 30-40lbs. That is excessive in 4 years! 5-10lbs is more normal. If she's overwhelmed maybe being a sahm isn't working for her and you all should get more help or a nanny.

Thank you. I think if she really cared, she could have maintained her weight.
And she isn’t a SAHM. She is also an essential employee, but she works part time and goes in later than I do, which is why I suggested that she work out before the kids get up in the morning.
We do have a nanny here while she is working, and we have a weekly housekeeper. I will talk to her about getting a chef as well. Maybe that would be a good way to open the conversation.

Wow. I get why she must be miserable.

Maybe the nanny should go full-time.

Right? If she just CARED more, she would give up an hour more of her sleep, because who needs to be well-rested when they are working and taking care of three little kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she overweight, or still in the healthy range? I am five eight. I used to weigh 125. I gained thirty pounds and now weigh 155. Would I like to lose? Sure, but I am not overweight and don’t need to lose weight.

If she is still in the healthy range, say nothing.

If she is just over the healthy range, say nothing.

I would only consider saying something if there is a true danger to her health.

Women in our society are aware when they are overweight. Most want to lose. They don’t need their husbands fat shaming them. Especially now, in the middle of a pandemic. I would imagine she is probably dealing with all sorts of stresses especially if you have kids or elderly parents to care for.

I’m sorry, what? I’m 5’7” and weigh 125 and if I gained 30lbs I would of course be fat. Just because it’s in the “range” of some medics chart as normal doesn’t mean you aren’t carrying around too much fat. If you were healthy 30lbs lighter then you are not healthy now unless you have gained 20lbs of muscle.

OP could make healthier grocery shopping. Take over a few dinner and make low cal stuff. Fix his wife lunches that are healthy and generally show he is into improving their lives. Is his DH likes to exercise the he should get her whatever gear she would use and ensure she has an hour per day to herself.

https://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancer-causes/diet-physical-activity/body-weight-and-cancer-risk/adult-bmi.html

Five eight and 155 is not overweight. 155 is nine pounds lower than 164, which is the overweight cutoff. 125 is the very lowest you can be at that height and still be considered healthy.

I'm 5'8", when I was 140 I could not get pregnant, my doctor convinced me to gain 5 lbs and I was able to get pregnant. Then after the baby was born he sat me down and told me 40 was clearly not healthy, and while 45 was healthier it was the bottom of healthy and I should shoot for 50 when I was loosing the baby weight. I actually look best at 55.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the dogpile. Plenty of us have 3 kids those ages and haven't gained 30-40lbs. That is excessive in 4 years! 5-10lbs is more normal. If she's overwhelmed maybe being a sahm isn't working for her and you all should get more help or a nanny.

Thank you. I think if she really cared, she could have maintained her weight.
And she isn’t a SAHM. She is also an essential employee, but she works part time and goes in later than I do, which is why I suggested that she work out before the kids get up in the morning.
We do have a nanny here while she is working, and we have a weekly housekeeper. I will talk to her about getting a chef as well. Maybe that would be a good way to open the conversation.

Of course OP only responds to the post that agrees with him.

OP, maybe she doesn’t really care. Sounds like you care enough for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another perspective, maybe replace concern about weight gain with concern about your DW’s wellness?

Personally I would be pretty sad to learn my value in the marriage is based much in my weight. I think I would get defensive and really upset if my spouse brought this up. If my spouse approached me with genuine concern for my wellness that would be different.

If this resonates with you then start a convo with her where you lead with questions. Forget about trying to make the point to tell her about her weight gain and what you don’t like about it. Instead, ask her how she has been doing and what’s going on with genuine curiosity and with no hidden agenda but to just give her a space to express herself and for you to better understand her.

If she brings up her weight then learning what she thinks about her weight and how she is feeling is much more important to your marriage and emotional intimacy than anything else.

Also, if you find the weight thing is more important than the wellness thing then I would advise taking a look at that value and ask yourself what it really serves.

I agree with this. I'm an overweight wife and when I gained a lot of weight, my DH approached it by telling me he loves me, but is concerned because he can see that I am using food to cope with problems and it's unhealthy and he's concerned. Honestly, I got defensive and hurt and yelled at him about my weight, but after I calmed down it really was a wake-up call for me. I eventually told him that I appreciated him talking to me since it snapped me back into realization.

So far I lost about half of what I gained and it's a slow process - the other thing my DH does is encourage me and tells me he's proud that i'm taking care of myself (doesn't mention weight, just that I'm doing self-care). So even through the process he's been helpful.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read all comments but want to chime in that it is freaking rude to your family and irresponsible to get fat. I like it be ok to let the house get dirty and fall apart or the cars to get dirty and fall apart? No! So take care of your health and body! No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop the dogpile. Plenty of us have 3 kids those ages and haven't gained 30-40lbs. That is excessive in 4 years! 5-10lbs is more normal. If she's overwhelmed maybe being a sahm isn't working for her and you all should get more help or a nanny.

Thank you. I think if she really cared, she could have maintained her weight.
And she isn’t a SAHM. She is also an essential employee, but she works part time and goes in later than I do, which is why I suggested that she work out before the kids get up in the morning.
We do have a nanny here while she is working, and we have a weekly housekeeper. I will talk to her about getting a chef as well. Maybe that would be a good way to open the conversation.

Huh. So many people have explained to you why you are going about this the wrong way, and you decided to only pay attention to comments that affirm your pre-conceived notions. It’s unfortunate that you can’t reflect on your motives and feelings about your wife, for both her and you. Even if your wife should care more, your statements here suggest your character could use a lot of improvement. But I guess that won’t happen and I and many others just feel sorry for your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t read all comments but want to chime in that it is freaking rude to your family and irresponsible to get fat. I like it be ok to let the house get dirty and fall apart or the cars to get dirty and fall apart? No! So take care of your health and body! No excuses.

No, not bathing would be like letting the house or car get dirty. We only have OP’s assertion that she is actually fat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t read all comments but want to chime in that it is freaking rude to your family and irresponsible to get fat. I like it be ok to let the house get dirty and fall apart or the cars to get dirty and fall apart? No! So take care of your health and body! No excuses.

You make me want to consume a container of lard in front of your face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop the dogpile. Plenty of us have 3 kids those ages and haven't gained 30-40lbs. That is excessive in 4 years! 5-10lbs is more normal. If she's overwhelmed maybe being a sahm isn't working for her and you all should get more help or a nanny.

She isn’t a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you cheating? Because it sounds like you are looking for an excuse to denigrate your superhero wife who is literally doing it all, and I can't for the life of me figure out why you would view her as anything other than a goddess for working AND having 3 babies in 4 years.

If you want your wife to have a hot body, pay for someone to prepare healthy meals for your family and watch your children long enough for her to sleep and practice self care (or do it yourself). If you aren't going to do that, sit down, shut up, and be grateful for all she is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you cheating? Because it sounds like you are looking for an excuse to denigrate your superhero wife who is literally doing it all, and I can't for the life of me figure out why you would view her as anything other than a goddess for working AND having 3 babies in 4 years.

If you want your wife to have a hot body, pay for someone to prepare healthy meals for your family and watch your children long enough for her to sleep and practice self care (or do it yourself). If you aren't going to do that, sit down, shut up, and be grateful for all she is doing.

.

And stop impregnating her you selfish lunatic!