WWYD: DH becoming cheap, workaholic

[Anonymous]

so there's two issues here, somewhat related. We've been married for 15 years with 4 kids. Youngest is 4.

First is, DH is increasingly becoming a workaholic. He's a managing partner in a financial investment firm. He works all the time. It has actually gotten worse since the Pandemic started because now there is no commute and no "end" to his workday. He just keeps on all night. He's always been a workaholic though. He never wants to do things with me and our kids. I've reacted by just giving up trying to get him to go and I take them to do things like visit a pumpkin patch, trick-or-treat, visit Santa, etc. etc. on my own. He does take time off but it is for his own purposes - he plays golf once a week with friends in the summer and early fall. I don't mind that he does this, I think it's good for him to have an outlet, but then when it comes to me an the kids wanting to do family things, he supposedly never has the ability to take time off. It just seems like an obvious contradiction to me.

Second issue is that strangely, as his income has increased, he's gotten cheaper. He doesn't want to move out of our "starter" house. This is the house we bought for ~ 500k in 2005. Two of our kids have to share a room. I would like to move to a bigger house so that each kid could have their own room but he is a firm "no" on that.

Related to the above two issues, he never wants to take a vacation. We take one annual vacation to the beach that I kind of hate because it is always with his family. He knows I hate it but he doesn't care. When it comes to the possibility of other vacations, he says he can't take any more time off but that's bullshit. No one is truly indispensable. When our kids were really young and not STTN, I didn't care that much because I didn't want to take them on vacation anyway. But now that the youngest has gotten to an easier stage, I would like to take family vacations. I offered to take the kids on my own, like I do with everything else, but he said no way, he is not working to fund "junkets" so that we can have fun without him. But he never wants to come anyway.

What I don't get is why he works so hard for so much money that he never spends. His income varies but it's typically a little over 7 figures a year. And he refuses to move to a nicer house, take vacations, buy a vacation home, etc. What's the point?

Can anyone else relate to this? I know there are a lot of law firm partners on here. My H works in a different field but it sounds somewhat similar in the hours.

[Anonymous]

no, my husband barely works a few hours a day and doesn't make much money, AND he wants nice vacations without extended family, so I can't relate there...however...

on a serious note: I'm sorry, I imagine its a combination of work culture reinforcing his habits, and the fact that being a parent to 4 kids, if you're not used to it, is harder than being at work. You're the efualt parent and its hard to argue against "but I have work."

I think you should spend some money on fantastic vacations and if he doesn't want to come along, you bring a friend and/or a sitter for the kids. You should have a say in how money is spent.

might be worth some therapy. how are things otherwise? Its kinda hard to work on a marriage with 4 kids and an absent partner...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no, my husband barely works a few hours a day and doesn't make much money, AND he wants nice vacations without extended family, so I can't relate there...however...

on a serious note: I'm sorry, I imagine its a combination of work culture reinforcing his habits, and the fact that being a parent to 4 kids, if you're not used to it, is harder than being at work. You're the efualt parent and its hard to argue against "but I have work."

I think you should spend some money on fantastic vacations and if he doesn't want to come along, you bring a friend and/or a sitter for the kids. You should have a say in how money is spent.

might be worth some therapy. how are things otherwise? Its kinda hard to work on a marriage with 4 kids and an absent partner...

I ran this by him yesterday because I had the idea of taking them to an all inclusive resort when the Pandemic is over. I feel like that would be manageable on my own. But he was like hell no. That's what got me thinking about all of this.

How is the marriage otherwise? It's fine because I've accepted that he's not going to be that involved in family outings. It's ok with me, we have fun on our own. He doesn't realize what he is missing out on.

[Anonymous]

Easy. Divorce him and take all his money. You'll have to wait five years though.

[Anonymous]

I’m trying to figure out who you are! He is a real rarity on Wall Street for sure. Do you have any access to money?

I’ll try to relate in the way that maybe he’s thinking. If he’s youngish and hasn’t had too many good years then maybe he’s trying to aggressively save for retirement and college for court kids. Do your older ones go to private school? Wall street jobs are probably not going to be around as much as they are now in 20 years. I’ve seen so many lost jobs over my career. People have had to reinvent themselves. Maybe he’s worried about this?

If he’s making 7 figures, I would definitely want to know WHY he won’t move to a bigger house. If you bought it 15 years ago for $500k and it’s worth $1m then it makes financial sense to take that $500k tax free and move up. You could use that as your angle. I would really push this.

I assume that you are SAH. It seems like there is an imbalance of power. I might start talking about getting a job and hiring a full time nanny to put you more on equal footing.

He clearly doesn’t value family time. I would also insist on a family vacation. If your only vacation is with his family, that’s not a vacation for you. Book a place and take the kids in the summer when nothing is going on. Don’t ask for permission.

[Anonymous]

1. Is he spending money on something else without telling you, and

2. Do you have joint accounts and credit cards and can you access all the financial information?

3. If all seems above-board, then you have to sit him down and that say that you have serious concerns about this marriage because he gets to do everything he wants, and refuses to do the things you want. It's fundamentally unfair.

4. Over the course of several conversations, you have to convince him that you get a say in how money is spent, you need a break even if he doesn't. He needs to understand a very important concept that he is not like most people and that he needs to take other people's needs into account.

5. I would refuse to take that in-law vacation and I would book a nice trip (post-pandemic) for myself and the children, with perhaps your relatives or friends. It's your money too, and you only have one life to live, OP. Don't live on his terms and stay miserable.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is worried and stressed. That's where all this comes from. Unravel that and everything will change.

BTW, it's fine for kids to share a room. Three of my kids share a room and they are just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so there's two issues here, somewhat related. We've been married for 15 years with 4 kids. Youngest is 4.

First is, DH is increasingly becoming a workaholic. He's a managing partner in a financial investment firm. He works all the time. It has actually gotten worse since the Pandemic started because now there is no commute and no "end" to his workday. He just keeps on all night. He's always been a workaholic though. He never wants to do things with me and our kids. I've reacted by just giving up trying to get him to go and I take them to do things like visit a pumpkin patch, trick-or-treat, visit Santa, etc. etc. on my own. He does take time off but it is for his own purposes - he plays golf once a week with friends in the summer and early fall. I don't mind that he does this, I think it's good for him to have an outlet, but then when it comes to me an the kids wanting to do family things, he supposedly never has the ability to take time off. It just seems like an obvious contradiction to me.

Second issue is that strangely, as his income has increased, he's gotten cheaper. He doesn't want to move out of our "starter" house. This is the house we bought for ~ 500k in 2005. Two of our kids have to share a room. I would like to move to a bigger house so that each kid could have their own room but he is a firm "no" on that.

Related to the above two issues, he never wants to take a vacation. We take one annual vacation to the beach that I kind of hate because it is always with his family. He knows I hate it but he doesn't care. When it comes to the possibility of other vacations, he says he can't take any more time off but that's bullshit. No one is truly indispensable. When our kids were really young and not STTN, I didn't care that much because I didn't want to take them on vacation anyway. But now that the youngest has gotten to an easier stage, I would like to take family vacations. I offered to take the kids on my own, like I do with everything else, but he said no way, he is not working to fund "junkets" so that we can have fun without him. But he never wants to come anyway.

What I don't get is why he works so hard for so much money that he never spends. His income varies but it's typically a little over 7 figures a year. And he refuses to move to a nicer house, take vacations, buy a vacation home, etc. What's the point?

Can anyone else relate to this? I know there are a lot of law firm partners on here. My H works in a different field but it sounds somewhat similar in the hours.

I would imagine he is looking to build generational wealth, and hopes to eventually fund things for the kids and have a comfortable, maybe even early retirement.

And some firms really do have a "don't take vacation" mindset, you don't want them realizing you are dispensable b/c they will replace you with someone willing to work.

I mean he has tons of money, so why don't you just plan some vacations for you and the kids using your money that you earned or brought to the marriage? I doubt he is checking your accounts too, right? Use his money for all the household expenses, etc, but have your money for fun and just do it. He can't really complain about you spending it, and he doesn't want to join you anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to figure out who you are! He is a real rarity on Wall Street for sure. Do you have any access to money?

I’ll try to relate in the way that maybe he’s thinking. If he’s youngish and hasn’t had too many good years then maybe he’s trying to aggressively save for retirement and college for court kids. Do your older ones go to private school? Wall street jobs are probably not going to be around as much as they are now in 20 years. I’ve seen so many lost jobs over my career. People have had to reinvent themselves. Maybe he’s worried about this?

If he’s making 7 figures, I would definitely want to know WHY he won’t move to a bigger house. If you bought it 15 years ago for $500k and it’s worth $1m then it makes financial sense to take that $500k tax free and move up. You could use that as your angle. I would really push this.

I assume that you are SAH. It seems like there is an imbalance of power. I might start talking about getting a job and hiring a full time nanny to put you more on equal footing.

He clearly doesn’t value family time. I would also insist on a family vacation. If your only vacation is with his family, that’s not a vacation for you. Book a place and take the kids in the summer when nothing is going on. Don’t ask for permission.

If they bought in 2005, they may have bought at the peak and actually not have much appreciation. But even with that, I'm sure it's a fine house.

They can't be that young, they are at least in their late 30s, if they bought 15 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is worried and stressed. That's where all this comes from. Unravel that and everything will change.

BTW, it's fine for kids to share a room. Three of my kids share a room and they are just fine.

Yeah OP, what is your long term wealth situation, he is earning 7 figures, have you saved 7 figures or more? No debt?

Wall Street is changing rapidly, with Fintech taking a lot of business away from wealth management firms (is that what "financial investment firm" means?), I mean a LOT. The truly wealthy will have concierge service from a boutique with a pedigreed advisor or have personal service from a top 5 Wall Street bank, or do a robo advisor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Is he spending money on something else without telling you, and

2. Do you have joint accounts and credit cards and can you access all the financial information?

3. If all seems above-board, then you have to sit him down and that say that you have serious concerns about this marriage because he gets to do everything he wants, and refuses to do the things you want. It's fundamentally unfair.

4. Over the course of several conversations, you have to convince him that you get a say in how money is spent, you need a break even if he doesn't. He needs to understand a very important concept that he is not like most people and that he needs to take other people's needs into account.

5. I would refuse to take that in-law vacation and I would book a nice trip (post-pandemic) for myself and the children, with perhaps your relatives or friends. It's your money too, and you only have one life to live, OP. Don't live on his terms and stay miserable.

1. No

2. Yes

3. We have had this kind of conversation but it never goes well. The last time we had it was when he bought an expensive car. He was like "I work hard and I deserve this." Which I don't disagree with. The time before that was when he wanted to join a $$$ for golf. Again, I don't have a problem with that if we can do other things like travel. But it's weird when he refuses my requests to hire household help. We don't have any cleaning or law help. He won't even let me hire painters or handymen and insists of fixing things around the house himself. I can't get him to see why this is weird though. He's very much a "why would I hire someone to do something for me when I can do it myself."

4. He was really against the idea of my taking the kids away on a vacation by myself.

To answer the other poster's question, he's in his early forties. I don't think he is worried about his specific job but he does see that the industry is changing. We have a lot of money saved though. I don't know what he thinks we need this money for since he has no plans to use it on anything besides the kids' college educations.

[Anonymous]

Are your finances transparent? Do you have access to everything?

I would run a credit check and background check. Maybe he is hiding something.

Working all the time and being cheap is a very bad combo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Is he spending money on something else without telling you, and

2. Do you have joint accounts and credit cards and can you access all the financial information?

3. If all seems above-board, then you have to sit him down and that say that you have serious concerns about this marriage because he gets to do everything he wants, and refuses to do the things you want. It's fundamentally unfair.

4. Over the course of several conversations, you have to convince him that you get a say in how money is spent, you need a break even if he doesn't. He needs to understand a very important concept that he is not like most people and that he needs to take other people's needs into account.

5. I would refuse to take that in-law vacation and I would book a nice trip (post-pandemic) for myself and the children, with perhaps your relatives or friends. It's your money too, and you only have one life to live, OP. Don't live on his terms and stay miserable.

1. No

2. Yes

3. We have had this kind of conversation but it never goes well. The last time we had it was when he bought an expensive car. He was like "I work hard and I deserve this." Which I don't disagree with. The time before that was when he wanted to join a $$$ for golf. Again, I don't have a problem with that if we can do other things like travel. But it's weird when he refuses my requests to hire household help. We don't have any cleaning or law help. He won't even let me hire painters or handymen and insists of fixing things around the house himself. I can't get him to see why this is weird though. He's very much a "why would I hire someone to do something for me when I can do it myself."

4. He was really against the idea of my taking the kids away on a vacation by myself.

To answer the other poster's question, he's in his early forties. I don't think he is worried about his specific job but he does see that the industry is changing. We have a lot of money saved though. I don't know what he thinks we need this money for since he has no plans to use it on anything besides the kids' college educations.

What exactly is his industry? Wealth management (ie, investing money for clients directly)?

Him spending money on himself and not you or the household, I really hope this is a troll b/c that is F'd up. Like narcissist level messed up. If he works all the time, why would he care if you go on vacation? I am an involved DH, and love taking vacations, but if DS wanted to take off, we had the money and she had the time, I would be happy if they got to off by themselves for a while (and honestly being alone in the house is kind of nice too).

[Anonymous]

What was he like when you married him? Is he from a poor family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Is he spending money on something else without telling you, and

2. Do you have joint accounts and credit cards and can you access all the financial information?

3. If all seems above-board, then you have to sit him down and that say that you have serious concerns about this marriage because he gets to do everything he wants, and refuses to do the things you want. It's fundamentally unfair.

4. Over the course of several conversations, you have to convince him that you get a say in how money is spent, you need a break even if he doesn't. He needs to understand a very important concept that he is not like most people and that he needs to take other people's needs into account.

5. I would refuse to take that in-law vacation and I would book a nice trip (post-pandemic) for myself and the children, with perhaps your relatives or friends. It's your money too, and you only have one life to live, OP. Don't live on his terms and stay miserable.

1. No

2. Yes

3. We have had this kind of conversation but it never goes well. The last time we had it was when he bought an expensive car. He was like "I work hard and I deserve this." Which I don't disagree with. The time before that was when he wanted to join a $$$ for golf. Again, I don't have a problem with that if we can do other things like travel. But it's weird when he refuses my requests to hire household help. We don't have any cleaning or law help. He won't even let me hire painters or handymen and insists of fixing things around the house himself. I can't get him to see why this is weird though. He's very much a "why would I hire someone to do something for me when I can do it myself."

4. He was really against the idea of my taking the kids away on a vacation by myself.

To answer the other poster's question, he's in his early forties. I don't think he is worried about his specific job but he does see that the industry is changing. We have a lot of money saved though. I don't know what he thinks we need this money for since he has no plans to use it on anything besides the kids' college educations.

Well, how much do you have saved for retirement? The fact you said you don’t know what he will spend it on other than college makes me wonder if you are a bit financially clueless. Retirement is very expensive. Do you have 300k in each of the kids’ college accounts? Do you have at least four or five million saved for retirement?

Regardless, you should be able to take more than one vacation a year and hire a housekeeper a few times a month.