WWYD: DH becoming cheap, workaholic

[Anonymous]

I would 100% refuse the vacation with his family. If he wants to go, he can take the kids while OP stays home.

Given what you describe, as soon as your youngest starts school, I would be going back to work. The vacations you want need to start happening without him. Life is short.

[Anonymous]

These posts always make me so sad. I just don’t understand how one spouse can be so selfish/controlling/oblivious to the other partners happiness and the spouse asking for more ( things, travel, physical help, emotional support) just get ignored or made to feel bad and they then go away and just suck it up. The money issues always make it worse.

I get saving, I get not living beyond your means, and I get even a bit of sacrifice. But life is long and allowing for no joy - new rug, clean painted walls, family trip, few dinners out, getting highlights.....what is point of living. What is with all the “ can’t spend a dime” as dh says no!

My dh is not perfect but he loves and cares for me. He wants me to be happy. We spend so much time at home ( now even more so) why would you not want a lovely home. It does not need to be big but it should be clean, aesthetically pleasing, and a place of peace.

I work and contribute a lot but not always as I wanted to be sahm ( or so I thought) and he supported that too.

I could never live like this. I have a friend who does and it is heartbreaking. Every other word is “ bill said.no...yet she won’t get ANY type of job. Always an excuse but her dc are almost all out of house.

If you area teacher, when school goes back, I’d be a sub where your then 5 yr old would be. I’d save that money and travel in summer with kids.

And please, sit him down and tell him how unhappy you are. You have no life but care giving...you can’t plan an outing, a vacation, a home project....nothing but what he wants. Does he even want you? Ask him. Tell him How unhappy you are. Sounds like someone who is living his life and y’all are just background. You deserve so much more.

[Anonymous]

Why do people keep telling the OP to go back to work?

Open your own bank account, OP. Put whatever you feel is reasonable into it every month. If you want to, think of it as the salary he would pay a nanny to watch the kids. If you have them 80 hours/week, that’s $4800/month at $15/hr.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m a PP with a similar DH. Except mine doesn’t spend money on himself.

You need your own account. I have an account in only my name and it is heavily funded. I use this for purchases for myself, the kids, and things DH won’t purchase for himself (clothes, toiletries, etc.). This keeps the peace.

[Anonymous]

From now on, his big spending needs to be matched with something for you. He wants to join a golf club? Fine, then the answer is yes if you also get a vacation or a year's worth of a housekeeper. Otherwise it's a veto. Stand your ground.

And ditto PP's who mentioned virtual tutoring. You could make a lot of money while helping kids struggling with the pandemic, and make independent and quick cash without leaving the house. Your teacher background is a HUGE draw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From now on, his big spending needs to be matched with something for you. He wants to join a golf club? Fine, then the answer is yes if you also get a vacation or a year's worth of a housekeeper. Otherwise it's a veto. Stand your ground.

And ditto PP's who mentioned virtual tutoring. You could make a lot of money while helping kids struggling with the pandemic, and make independent and quick cash without leaving the house. Your teacher background is a HUGE draw.

What for? They already have more money than they need. How does working more and bringing more money into the household help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From now on, his big spending needs to be matched with something for you. He wants to join a golf club? Fine, then the answer is yes if you also get a vacation or a year's worth of a housekeeper. Otherwise it's a veto. Stand your ground.

And ditto PP's who mentioned virtual tutoring. You could make a lot of money while helping kids struggling with the pandemic, and make independent and quick cash without leaving the house. Your teacher background is a HUGE draw.

What for? They already have more money than they need. How does working more and bringing more money into the household help?

Seriously.

If the husband doesn’t feel secure with 1 million a year, ten thousand extra is going to be laughable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From now on, his big spending needs to be matched with something for you. He wants to join a golf club? Fine, then the answer is yes if you also get a vacation or a year's worth of a housekeeper. Otherwise it's a veto. Stand your ground.

And ditto PP's who mentioned virtual tutoring. You could make a lot of money while helping kids struggling with the pandemic, and make independent and quick cash without leaving the house. Your teacher background is a HUGE draw.

What for? They already have more money than they need. How does working more and bringing more money into the household help?

Seriously.

If the husband doesn’t feel secure with 1 million a year, ten thousand extra is going to be laughable.

It's so OP will have her own money to buy a new rug and take a non on law vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From now on, his big spending needs to be matched with something for you. He wants to join a golf club? Fine, then the answer is yes if you also get a vacation or a year's worth of a housekeeper. Otherwise it's a veto. Stand your ground.

And ditto PP's who mentioned virtual tutoring. You could make a lot of money while helping kids struggling with the pandemic, and make independent and quick cash without leaving the house. Your teacher background is a HUGE draw.

What for? They already have more money than they need. How does working more and bringing more money into the household help?

Seriously.

If the husband doesn’t feel secure with 1 million a year, ten thousand extra is going to be laughable.

It's so OP will have her own money to buy a new rug and take a non on law vacation.

She already has the money to do that.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a selfish schmuck, and your kids deserve better

[Anonymous]

My thought is that it’s this:
He is getting pressure to work additional hours that he doesn’t want to work. He justifies it to himself by telling himself that it’s a lot of extra money, and it’s worth it. But the thing is, it isn’t really worth it. So anytime you go to spend the extra money, and turn that time into something tangible, he is upset.
The money is only worth his time in the abstract. When you make it real, it doesn’t pan out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These posts always make me so sad. I just don’t understand how one spouse can be so selfish/controlling/oblivious to the other partners happiness and the spouse asking for more ( things, travel, physical help, emotional support) just get ignored or made to feel bad and they then go away and just suck it up. The money issues always make it worse.

I get saving, I get not living beyond your means, and I get even a bit of sacrifice. But life is long and allowing for no joy - new rug, clean painted walls, family trip, few dinners out, getting highlights.....what is point of living. What is with all the “ can’t spend a dime” as dh says no!

My dh is not perfect but he loves and cares for me. He wants me to be happy. We spend so much time at home ( now even more so) why would you not want a lovely home. It does not need to be big but it should be clean, aesthetically pleasing, and a place of peace.

I work and contribute a lot but not always as I wanted to be sahm ( or so I thought) and he supported that too.

I could never live like this. I have a friend who does and it is heartbreaking. Every other word is “ bill said.no...yet she won’t get ANY type of job. Always an excuse but her dc are almost all out of house.

If you area teacher, when school goes back, I’d be a sub where your then 5 yr old would be. I’d save that money and travel in summer with kids.

And please, sit him down and tell him how unhappy you are. You have no life but care giving...you can’t plan an outing, a vacation, a home project....nothing but what he wants. Does he even want you? Ask him. Tell him How unhappy you are. Sounds like someone who is living his life and y’all are just background. You deserve so much more.

It is sad, but even some WOH/WOH parents have spouses and situations like this. They work and other spouse gets upset if anything is spent, won’t take time off, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From now on, his big spending needs to be matched with something for you. He wants to join a golf club? Fine, then the answer is yes if you also get a vacation or a year's worth of a housekeeper. Otherwise it's a veto. Stand your ground.

And ditto PP's who mentioned virtual tutoring. You could make a lot of money while helping kids struggling with the pandemic, and make independent and quick cash without leaving the house. Your teacher background is a HUGE draw.

What for? They already have more money than they need. How does working more and bringing more money into the household help?

Seriously.

If the husband doesn’t feel secure with 1 million a year, ten thousand extra is going to be laughable.

It's so OP will have her own money to buy a new rug and take a non on law vacation.

She already has the money to do that.

No, she doesn't. Her dh controls the money, and he is not authorizing those expenditures. So if OP wants a new rug, she apparently needs to earn the money herself. While her dh buys expensive cars and joins expensive golf clubs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

Why do you assume it would be hers to do whatever with? It would go into the family pot, which is where his money goes. He would then have veto power over how it is used. What’s good for the goose, etc.

1) She can setup her own checking account without him even seeing it. 2) It sounds like he got the fancy car and club membership, so she can argue that this is her equivalent 3) he literally will not be able to stop her from spending money from her own account, that she earned and travel. I guess he could keep the kids, but assuming he needs to work I doubt that will happen.

Um, don’t you think this man is going to notice that his wife has a new job? He’s not going to let her have accounts that he can’t access if she is able to access all of his.

Plus he sounds too cheap to pay for daycare. She has to wait until the little one is in school.

1) She can open an account without him being there. how will he "not let her"? 2) Right now she can do tutoring from home while her 12 year old watches the youngest. She could do it this afternoon.

She can open an account in her name with money from their joint account right now. She doesn’t need to have her own separate income to do that.

That will work once. Then he will remove her from the accounts, and redirect his income to a personal account.

[Anonymous]

Also, you have much more power than you think you do in this relationship. He would be kind of screwed if you left. I am guessing that the people saying that you are worth $50k/yr have never hired completely flexible childcare available at the last minute and at any time of day, evening, or weekend. I will give you a hint, you would need more than one person, and it’s more than $50k/yr. You have some cards here. Don’t discount them.

That ship has sailed. He has a 14 year at home; he will be the built on babysitter. That, combined with an iPad; will cover all of the childcare that her DH cares about.

As long as he is working from home, it’s pretty easy to not need a wife. Paper plates and spaghetti for every meal; haven’t you ever seen mr mom?