WWYD: DH becoming cheap, workaholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

Why do you assume it would be hers to do whatever with? It would go into the family pot, which is where his money goes. He would then have veto power over how it is used. What’s good for the goose, etc.

1) She can setup her own checking account without him even seeing it. 2) It sounds like he got the fancy car and club membership, so she can argue that this is her equivalent 3) he literally will not be able to stop her from spending money from her own account, that she earned and travel. I guess he could keep the kids, but assuming he needs to work I doubt that will happen.

Um, don’t you think this man is going to notice that his wife has a new job? He’s not going to let her have accounts that he can’t access if she is able to access all of his.

Plus he sounds too cheap to pay for daycare. She has to wait until the little one is in school.

1) She can open an account without him being there. how will he "not let her"? 2) Right now she can do tutoring from home while her 12 year old watches the youngest. She could do it this afternoon.

The 12 yo has school. Plus it’s not fair for her to offload her problems onto him/her.

She made her bed, now she has to lie in it.

The 12 year old I'm sure has a TON of down time after school is done and they are all stuck at home. She would be tutoring remotely so its not like her 12 year has to do much other than maybe watch Dora with the preschooler.

And guess what, if I told my 12 year that if he watched his sister for an few hours a week, then we could go on a vacation, he would be TOTALLY ONBOARD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did he manage to get into financial management coming from a poor background? That path may enlighten what he thinks his options/risks are in his current role.

True, and how did you guys meet? I think the "secret life" thing is kind of crazy but maybe there is something you are overlooking?

[Anonymous]

Financial infidelity? Could he have that you don't know about

[Anonymous]

You should not be taking vacations in covid.

He makes that money because of the hours he puts in. Are you ok with reducing his hours?

Larger house makes no sense when kids will go off to college/move out.

You'll need a lot of money for college, and hopefully graduate school for 4 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should not be taking vacations in covid.

He makes that money because of the hours he puts in. Are you ok with reducing his hours?

Larger house makes no sense when kids will go off to college/move out.

You'll need a lot of money for college, and hopefully graduate school for 4 kids.

Yep, 4 kids is why he is FREAKING out. And his industry maybe dying.

[Anonymous]

Why are sooo many BigLaw/Finance spouses former teachers? Do they seek out that pairing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

Why do you assume it would be hers to do whatever with? It would go into the family pot, which is where his money goes. He would then have veto power over how it is used. What’s good for the goose, etc.

1) She can setup her own checking account without him even seeing it. 2) It sounds like he got the fancy car and club membership, so she can argue that this is her equivalent 3) he literally will not be able to stop her from spending money from her own account, that she earned and travel. I guess he could keep the kids, but assuming he needs to work I doubt that will happen.

Great! Then you have no problem with the husband doing the same! Problem solved, OP has nothing to complain about. She needs to get a job, zero excuses not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

Why do you assume it would be hers to do whatever with? It would go into the family pot, which is where his money goes. He would then have veto power over how it is used. What’s good for the goose, etc.

1) She can setup her own checking account without him even seeing it. 2) It sounds like he got the fancy car and club membership, so she can argue that this is her equivalent 3) he literally will not be able to stop her from spending money from her own account, that she earned and travel. I guess he could keep the kids, but assuming he needs to work I doubt that will happen.

Great! Then you have no problem with the husband doing the same! Problem solved, OP has nothing to complain about. She needs to get a job, zero excuses not to.

Well she can complain, but yes, she would be unable to stop him from spending money as well. Which is kinda of why she didn't die on the hill for the car or country club. In the end, his respect and care for her is the only leverage she has over joint assets.

If he redirects his salary into a individual account, I don't know of any legal mechanism for her to access it except during divorce where they would then divy up assets? Is there a way to get into a spouses account without their explicit consent?

[Anonymous]

Get a therapist OP. I’m a mom of 4, and if my husband (who makes a quarter of what yours does) continued workaholic ways and didn’t “let me” (wtf?!) get cleaning help or said “no” to vacations, I’d raise holy hell. You’re his wife, the mother of his children, you’re working just as hard as he is and if he wants to act like that’s not the case, you guys need a third party to tell him to get his act together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are sooo many BigLaw/Finance spouses former teachers? Do they seek out that pairing?

I think teachers tend to like kids and are more open to being a SAHM, as opposed to a woman who has a big career of her own. It can be hard for a couple to raise a family where both parents have demanding jobs - people do it with lots of outside help, of course, but it's not ideal for some people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are sooo many BigLaw/Finance spouses former teachers? Do they seek out that pairing?

I think teachers tend to like kids and are more open to being a SAHM, as opposed to a woman who has a big career of her own. It can be hard for a couple to raise a family where both parents have demanding jobs - people do it with lots of outside help, of course, but it's not ideal for some people.

It sounds like they got together when he was just starting out though, so seems like something more.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your living standards would increase if you divorced and lived off child support and half your assets. You can probably negotiate to keep the house — and it’s unlikely you’d be able something more expensive. However you could easily take vacations, hire cleaners, etc. right now it sounds like you have the lifestyle of someone who makes 75K. You would probably get double that (at least) in a divorce. Plus half the retirement accounyes, assets, etc.

Do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathize. I don’t have quite the same problem because at least my husband is willing to travel a few times a year but he Point blank *refuses* to take more than a week off at a time which precludes most types of interesting travel with time zone changes, like to Europe or Asia or Africa.

It drives me nuts because, as you say, no one is indispensable. He should be able to take 2 weeks off like other normal professionals. It’s his ego getting in the way.

I’m going to agree with Dh on this one. People in finance do not take off 2 weeks at a time on the regular. My DH also works in finance, and he takes a week at Christmas, a week in the summer and a week at spring break. They have unlimited vacation? But there very likely might not be anyone who can cover for him, and if clients are calling, they don’t like that you are slacking off for two weeks.

I really think he needs to be ok with you taking vacation on your own. Maybe buy a beach house for you al to go to for the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathize. I don’t have quite the same problem because at least my husband is willing to travel a few times a year but he Point blank *refuses* to take more than a week off at a time which precludes most types of interesting travel with time zone changes, like to Europe or Asia or Africa.

It drives me nuts because, as you say, no one is indispensable. He should be able to take 2 weeks off like other normal professionals. It’s his ego getting in the way.

I’m going to agree with Dh on this one. People in finance do not take off 2 weeks at a time on the regular. My DH also works in finance, and he takes a week at Christmas, a week in the summer and a week at spring break. They have unlimited vacation? But there very likely might not be anyone who can cover for him, and if clients are calling, they don’t like that you are slacking off for two weeks.

I really think he needs to be ok with you taking vacation on your own. Maybe buy a beach house for you al to go to for the summer.

Its kind of like sales, where if someone covers for you for 2 weeks, they can pouch your clients and you are out on the street. Finance is ruthless.

Yeah, why not get a beach house and have him work from there, or weekend commute if we ever live elsewhere again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It sounds like your living standards would increase if you divorced and lived off child support and half your assets. You can probably negotiate to keep the house — and it’s unlikely you’d be able something more expensive. However you could easily take vacations, hire cleaners, etc. right now it sounds like you have the lifestyle of someone who makes 75K. You would probably get double that (at least) in a divorce. Plus half the retirement accounyes, assets, etc.

Do it.

She will never do this, because she wants the living standards of someone pulling in $1M not $150k.