WWYD: DH becoming cheap, workaholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

I was a teacher. I haven’t worked in ten years. Oldest is 12, youngest is 4. I’m 42.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Is he spending money on something else without telling you, and

2. Do you have joint accounts and credit cards and can you access all the financial information?

3. If all seems above-board, then you have to sit him down and that say that you have serious concerns about this marriage because he gets to do everything he wants, and refuses to do the things you want. It's fundamentally unfair.

4. Over the course of several conversations, you have to convince him that you get a say in how money is spent, you need a break even if he doesn't. He needs to understand a very important concept that he is not like most people and that he needs to take other people's needs into account.

5. I would refuse to take that in-law vacation and I would book a nice trip (post-pandemic) for myself and the children, with perhaps your relatives or friends. It's your money too, and you only have one life to live, OP. Don't live on his terms and stay miserable.

1. No

2. Yes

3. We have had this kind of conversation but it never goes well. The last time we had it was when he bought an expensive car. He was like "I work hard and I deserve this." Which I don't disagree with. The time before that was when he wanted to join a $$$ for golf. Again, I don't have a problem with that if we can do other things like travel. But it's weird when he refuses my requests to hire household help. We don't have any cleaning or law help. He won't even let me hire painters or handymen and insists of fixing things around the house himself. I can't get him to see why this is weird though. He's very much a "why would I hire someone to do something for me when I can do it myself."

4. He was really against the idea of my taking the kids away on a vacation by myself.

To answer the other poster's question, he's in his early forties. I don't think he is worried about his specific job but he does see that the industry is changing. We have a lot of money saved though. I don't know what he thinks we need this money for since he has no plans to use it on anything besides the kids' college educations.

Well, how much do you have saved for retirement? The fact you said you don’t know what he will spend it on other than college makes me wonder if you are a bit financially clueless. Retirement is very expensive. Do you have 300k in each of the kids’ college accounts? Do you have at least four or five million saved for retirement?

Regardless, you should be able to take more than one vacation a year and hire a housekeeper a few times a month.

The guy makes over $1million a year, they have a tiny mortgage, and the guy doesn’t like to spend money. If they can’t afford retirement, there is literally no hope for the rest of us.

I think they have 4 or 5 kids, which may be why he is *freaking* out. He needs a) college tuition for all of them, maybe b) private school since pandemic is thrashing public, c) probably wants enough to help each of them buy a house when they are older and have other choices for career than he had (I grew up poor and I really want to let my kids take risks and know they have a safety net). With 4 or 5 kids, that's about $2M right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

I was a teacher. I haven’t worked in ten years. Oldest is 12, youngest is 4. I’m 42.

OMG, teachers can make buckets of money tutoring right now. Just schedule it for when your 12 year old is free to watch the 4 year old. We pay $85/hr to teacher for math help b/c DL is such a travesty.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize. I don’t have quite the same problem because at least my husband is willing to travel a few times a year but he Point blank *refuses* to take more than a week off at a time which precludes most types of interesting travel with time zone changes, like to Europe or Asia or Africa.

It drives me nuts because, as you say, no one is indispensable. He should be able to take 2 weeks off like other normal professionals. It’s his ego getting in the way.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you're looking for some magic phrasing that will convince your DH to agree with you, and that just doesn't exist. The issue here is that you seem to have no say in the budget, or if you do, you're subject to his veto (and he's not subject to yours, since he got that car you didn't want). That's the issue, and that's something you need to work out.

If he's open to counseling, a few sessions with a couples counselor will really help iron this out. If not, then you're going to have to decide what you're willing to put up with, what you're not, and what consequences you'll take on. Are you willing to tell him that you are going to transfer $X to a separate, jointly-owned account just for "fun stuff," and you and he can spend out of that? Are you willing to do that even if he says no?

You can't control how he feels or how he responds. Focus on what you can control. You're a grown-ass adult, and he is not your dad. This is your money too. Figure out where your line is, and draw it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

I was a teacher. I haven’t worked in ten years. Oldest is 12, youngest is 4. I’m 42.

I would definitely go back to work when you can. That way you will have some money to yourself and like PP said it’ll change the dynamic. I think now he sees the kids as “your” job and his job as solely to provide.

[Anonymous]

How did he manage to get into financial management coming from a poor background? That path may enlighten what he thinks his options/risks are in his current role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

Why do you assume it would be hers to do whatever with? It would go into the family pot, which is where his money goes. He would then have veto power over how it is used. What’s good for the goose, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

Why do you assume it would be hers to do whatever with? It would go into the family pot, which is where his money goes. He would then have veto power over how it is used. What’s good for the goose, etc.

1) She can setup her own checking account without him even seeing it. 2) It sounds like he got the fancy car and club membership, so she can argue that this is her equivalent 3) he literally will not be able to stop her from spending money from her own account, that she earned and travel. I guess he could keep the kids, but assuming he needs to work I doubt that will happen.

[Anonymous]

Get divorced.

Seriously. Your quality of life will get so much better.

You can go on vacations and you’ll get half your assets which will be enough to live on and then some. Don’t wait another second!

[Anonymous]

My initial feeling is that he’s living a separate life that you may know well.

Do you have access to all your financial assets? How much is saved for retirement, college, where the cash is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

Why do you assume it would be hers to do whatever with? It would go into the family pot, which is where his money goes. He would then have veto power over how it is used. What’s good for the goose, etc.

1) She can setup her own checking account without him even seeing it. 2) It sounds like he got the fancy car and club membership, so she can argue that this is her equivalent 3) he literally will not be able to stop her from spending money from her own account, that she earned and travel. I guess he could keep the kids, but assuming he needs to work I doubt that will happen.

Um, don’t you think this man is going to notice that his wife has a new job? He’s not going to let her have accounts that he can’t access if she is able to access all of his.

Plus he sounds too cheap to pay for daycare. She has to wait until the little one is in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get divorced.

Seriously. Your quality of life will get so much better.

You can go on vacations and you’ll get half your assets which will be enough to live on and then some. Don’t wait another second!

Nah, its not enough to replace a $1m income for the next 20 years, her breadwinner is too valuable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

Why do you assume it would be hers to do whatever with? It would go into the family pot, which is where his money goes. He would then have veto power over how it is used. What’s good for the goose, etc.

1) She can setup her own checking account without him even seeing it. 2) It sounds like he got the fancy car and club membership, so she can argue that this is her equivalent 3) he literally will not be able to stop her from spending money from her own account, that she earned and travel. I guess he could keep the kids, but assuming he needs to work I doubt that will happen.

Um, don’t you think this man is going to notice that his wife has a new job? He’s not going to let her have accounts that he can’t access if she is able to access all of his.

Plus he sounds too cheap to pay for daycare. She has to wait until the little one is in school.

1) She can open an account without him being there. how will he "not let her"? 2) Right now she can do tutoring from home while her 12 year old watches the youngest. She could do it this afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

Why do you assume it would be hers to do whatever with? It would go into the family pot, which is where his money goes. He would then have veto power over how it is used. What’s good for the goose, etc.

1) She can setup her own checking account without him even seeing it. 2) It sounds like he got the fancy car and club membership, so she can argue that this is her equivalent 3) he literally will not be able to stop her from spending money from her own account, that she earned and travel. I guess he could keep the kids, but assuming he needs to work I doubt that will happen.

Um, don’t you think this man is going to notice that his wife has a new job? He’s not going to let her have accounts that he can’t access if she is able to access all of his.

Plus he sounds too cheap to pay for daycare. She has to wait until the little one is in school.

1) She can open an account without him being there. how will he "not let her"? 2) Right now she can do tutoring from home while her 12 year old watches the youngest. She could do it this afternoon.

The 12 yo has school. Plus it’s not fair for her to offload her problems onto him/her.

She made her bed, now she has to lie in it.