WWYD: DH becoming cheap, workaholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From now on, his big spending needs to be matched with something for you. He wants to join a golf club? Fine, then the answer is yes if you also get a vacation or a year's worth of a housekeeper. Otherwise it's a veto. Stand your ground.

And ditto PP's who mentioned virtual tutoring. You could make a lot of money while helping kids struggling with the pandemic, and make independent and quick cash without leaving the house. Your teacher background is a HUGE draw.

What for? They already have more money than they need. How does working more and bringing more money into the household help?

Seriously.

If the husband doesn’t feel secure with 1 million a year, ten thousand extra is going to be laughable.

It's so OP will have her own money to buy a new rug and take a non on law vacation.

She already has the money to do that.

No, she doesn't. Her dh controls the money, and he is not authorizing those expenditures. So if OP wants a new rug, she apparently needs to earn the money herself. While her dh buys expensive cars and joins expensive golf clubs.

Speaking as someone in a similar situation, her DH will continue to control the money until she decides not to let him. Her earning a small portion of the family income is not going to be enough to give her decision making power.
And she can take money out of their joint account whenever she wants to. She can even put it in a secret bank account in her name only. As long as it isn’t more than half of their savings, he can’t do anything but be angry.
She doesn’t need a job. She needs to learn to tolerate her husband’s disapproval. It probably won’t be as bad as she thinks.

[Anonymous]

I would have more conversations with him about his end goal with all that money. What is he saving for? College and graduate school for 4 kids? Retirement for you and him? Future medical expenses? Early retirement? Paying off mortgage and debt? Money to take care of his parents and in-laws? Money to build generational wealth? Sounds like he is shouldering a lot of the financial burden and a seven figure income while it sounds like a lot may not be after taxes. I would ask him to run the numbers for you so you can understand how much he thinks he needs to save before he feels comfortable taking vacations and spending money... the truth is generational wealth is often built by cheap workaholics. However, I completely understand where you are coming from and I agree with the others that say once your youngest enters school, you should go back to work. Even if your money goes in the joint account, just like he can spend his money as he pleases, you should be able to spend the money you earn as you please. Tell him you’re giving him a weekend of peace by taking the kids on a trip and go take your vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From now on, his big spending needs to be matched with something for you. He wants to join a golf club? Fine, then the answer is yes if you also get a vacation or a year's worth of a housekeeper. Otherwise it's a veto. Stand your ground.

And ditto PP's who mentioned virtual tutoring. You could make a lot of money while helping kids struggling with the pandemic, and make independent and quick cash without leaving the house. Your teacher background is a HUGE draw.

What for? They already have more money than they need. How does working more and bringing more money into the household help?

Seriously.

If the husband doesn’t feel secure with 1 million a year, ten thousand extra is going to be laughable.

It's so OP will have her own money to buy a new rug and take a non on law vacation.

She already has the money to do that.

No, she doesn't. Her dh controls the money, and he is not authorizing those expenditures. So if OP wants a new rug, she apparently needs to earn the money herself. While her dh buys expensive cars and joins expensive golf clubs.

Speaking as someone in a similar situation, her DH will continue to control the money until she decides not to let him. Her earning a small portion of the family income is not going to be enough to give her decision making power.
And she can take money out of their joint account whenever she wants to. She can even put it in a secret bank account in her name only. As long as it isn’t more than half of their savings, he can’t do anything but be angry.
She doesn’t need a job. She needs to learn to tolerate her husband’s disapproval. It probably won’t be as bad as she thinks.

Yes but she has to move half of it quickly, which is hard to do. He can do the same, and he controls ALL the income, so if they both move to private accounts she will have what she managed to move and that’s it.

I suspect he will retaliated but good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From now on, his big spending needs to be matched with something for you. He wants to join a golf club? Fine, then the answer is yes if you also get a vacation or a year's worth of a housekeeper. Otherwise it's a veto. Stand your ground.

And ditto PP's who mentioned virtual tutoring. You could make a lot of money while helping kids struggling with the pandemic, and make independent and quick cash without leaving the house. Your teacher background is a HUGE draw.

What for? They already have more money than they need. How does working more and bringing more money into the household help?

Seriously.

If the husband doesn’t feel secure with 1 million a year, ten thousand extra is going to be laughable.

It's so OP will have her own money to buy a new rug and take a non on law vacation.

She already has the money to do that.

No, she doesn't. Her dh controls the money, and he is not authorizing those expenditures. So if OP wants a new rug, she apparently needs to earn the money herself. While her dh buys expensive cars and joins expensive golf clubs.

Speaking as someone in a similar situation, her DH will continue to control the money until she decides not to let him. Her earning a small portion of the family income is not going to be enough to give her decision making power.
And she can take money out of their joint account whenever she wants to. She can even put it in a secret bank account in her name only. As long as it isn’t more than half of their savings, he can’t do anything but be angry.
She doesn’t need a job. She needs to learn to tolerate her husband’s disapproval. It probably won’t be as bad as she thinks.

DP but having her own stream of income can help with her self confidence so she can do exactly this. It's not just about the money itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

Why do you assume it would be hers to do whatever with? It would go into the family pot, which is where his money goes. He would then have veto power over how it is used. What’s good for the goose, etc.

1) She can setup her own checking account without him even seeing it. 2) It sounds like he got the fancy car and club membership, so she can argue that this is her equivalent 3) he literally will not be able to stop her from spending money from her own account, that she earned and travel. I guess he could keep the kids, but assuming he needs to work I doubt that will happen.

Um, don’t you think this man is going to notice that his wife has a new job? He’s not going to let her have accounts that he can’t access if she is able to access all of his.

Plus he sounds too cheap to pay for daycare. She has to wait until the little one is in school.

1) She can open an account without him being there. how will he "not let her"? 2) Right now she can do tutoring from home while her 12 year old watches the youngest. She could do it this afternoon.

She can open an account in her name with money from their joint account right now. She doesn’t need to have her own separate income to do that.

That will work once. Then he will remove her from the accounts, and redirect his income to a personal account.

Ok. And she can take the kids, move in with her boyfriend, and refuse to let him see his family.

I guess that you can do all of these things while married. But they are a path to divorce. And they don’t look good on the unethical spouse.

[Anonymous]

Get into therapy. You are in a very controlling relationship. Simultaneously I'd open my own account and get enough money in it for a good attorney retainer, and I'd make sure I have a high limit credit card in my name only. Then I think you need to have a come to jesus conversation with him. Laying out what you want. I'd keep it simple.

1) 5 bedroom house
2) 2x a month housekeeper
3) 1 extra vacation with kids (he doesn't have to go)

If he won't agree to these things, I'd let him know you want him to see a marriage counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

Why do you assume it would be hers to do whatever with? It would go into the family pot, which is where his money goes. He would then have veto power over how it is used. What’s good for the goose, etc.

1) She can setup her own checking account without him even seeing it. 2) It sounds like he got the fancy car and club membership, so she can argue that this is her equivalent 3) he literally will not be able to stop her from spending money from her own account, that she earned and travel. I guess he could keep the kids, but assuming he needs to work I doubt that will happen.

Um, don’t you think this man is going to notice that his wife has a new job? He’s not going to let her have accounts that he can’t access if she is able to access all of his.

Plus he sounds too cheap to pay for daycare. She has to wait until the little one is in school.

1) She can open an account without him being there. how will he "not let her"? 2) Right now she can do tutoring from home while her 12 year old watches the youngest. She could do it this afternoon.

She can open an account in her name with money from their joint account right now. She doesn’t need to have her own separate income to do that.

That will work once. Then he will remove her from the accounts, and redirect his income to a personal account.

Ok. And she can take the kids, move in with her boyfriend, and refuse to let him see his family.

I guess that you can do all of these things while married. But they are a path to divorce. And they don’t look good on the unethical spouse.

Yes and he will call the police for kidnapping, a crime.

Where with the money, she would have to sue and it would be a civil case.

[Anonymous]

What would happen if you just *told* him that you were taking the kids on a (modestly priced) vacation? Or if you just hired a housekeeper. Maybe part of the problem is that you keep asking for permission and your DH doesn’t really realize how important these issues are to you.

I also think you need a financial counselor. They have ways to (nicely) facilitate conversations about financial priorities.

He may have some deep, deep insecurities about being poor that a professional can help him feel better about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From now on, his big spending needs to be matched with something for you. He wants to join a golf club? Fine, then the answer is yes if you also get a vacation or a year's worth of a housekeeper. Otherwise it's a veto. Stand your ground.

And ditto PP's who mentioned virtual tutoring. You could make a lot of money while helping kids struggling with the pandemic, and make independent and quick cash without leaving the house. Your teacher background is a HUGE draw.

What for? They already have more money than they need. How does working more and bringing more money into the household help?

Seriously.

If the husband doesn’t feel secure with 1 million a year, ten thousand extra is going to be laughable.

OP here. I’m allowed to spend money freely, not sure what gave you that idea.

The problem with vacation is, he doesn’t want to take the time off.

It's so OP will have her own money to buy a new rug and take a non on law vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From now on, his big spending needs to be matched with something for you. He wants to join a golf club? Fine, then the answer is yes if you also get a vacation or a year's worth of a housekeeper. Otherwise it's a veto. Stand your ground.

And ditto PP's who mentioned virtual tutoring. You could make a lot of money while helping kids struggling with the pandemic, and make independent and quick cash without leaving the house. Your teacher background is a HUGE draw.

What for? They already have more money than they need. How does working more and bringing more money into the household help?

Seriously.

If the husband doesn’t feel secure with 1 million a year, ten thousand extra is going to be laughable.

It's so OP will have her own money to buy a new rug and take a non on law vacation.

She already has the money to do that.

No, she doesn't. Her dh controls the money, and he is not authorizing those expenditures. So if OP wants a new rug, she apparently needs to earn the money herself. While her dh buys expensive cars and joins expensive golf clubs.

I am the rug poster. You are missing the point. I don’t really want the rug. I don’t think that my husbands time is worth the rug or the vacation or any of it. I would rather have him home. But since he isn’t home, and I have the money but not the man, it seems like I should at least use the money.