WWYD: DH becoming cheap, workaholic

[Anonymous]

I hate to say it but I don't think your DH sees you as his wife and life partner.

In his mind you've been relegated to the role of housekeeper and nanny.

Why should he spend any money on making his housekeeper happy? Or his nanny? He's putting a roof over your head and food in your belly which is all he thinks you need, and as long as nanny is taking care of kids OK there is no need for him to be involved with them either.

He's not just cheap with money. He's cheap with his affection, attention and respect. Your kids are experiencing this too, not just you. A decent father does not worship at the shrine of the almighty buck at the detriment to his children's emotional welfare.

OP, you have to decide if this is the kind of life you want for both you and your kids. I know what I'd choose to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It sounds like your living standards would increase if you divorced and lived off child support and half your assets. You can probably negotiate to keep the house — and it’s unlikely you’d be able something more expensive. However you could easily take vacations, hire cleaners, etc. right now it sounds like you have the lifestyle of someone who makes 75K. You would probably get double that (at least) in a divorce. Plus half the retirement accounyes, assets, etc.

Do it.

She will never do this, because she wants the living standards of someone pulling in $1M not $150k.

But she doesn’t have the living standards of someone making 1 million. Their house is 500K and the only vacations she’s allowed to do are to visit her in-laws beach house. She’s also not allowed to hire a handyman or a housekeeper. If she got divorced, she would be able to do all of those things because she would control the money. Having a large HHI that she cannot access does not help her.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you're getting an allowance to spend as you wish, or else a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathize. I don’t have quite the same problem because at least my husband is willing to travel a few times a year but he Point blank *refuses* to take more than a week off at a time which precludes most types of interesting travel with time zone changes, like to Europe or Asia or Africa.

It drives me nuts because, as you say, no one is indispensable. He should be able to take 2 weeks off like other normal professionals. It’s his ego getting in the way.

I’m going to agree with Dh on this one. People in finance do not take off 2 weeks at a time on the regular. My DH also works in finance, and he takes a week at Christmas, a week in the summer and a week at spring break. They have unlimited vacation? But there very likely might not be anyone who can cover for him, and if clients are calling, they don’t like that you are slacking off for two weeks.

I really think he needs to be ok with you taking vacation on your own. Maybe buy a beach house for you al to go to for the summer.

PP here. Because of the Pandemic, we missed one of our planned vacations. So now we have airfare and hotel credit we need to use in 3021. We usually travel over Xmas break, Feb break, April break, a week in July, and one in August. Because of restrictions/location/school dates, the time that makes the most sense to reschedule our 2020 credit is in late June. He is now giving me a hard time because he doesn’t want to take a week off in June, one in July, and one in August. There all a month apart! I don’t see the big deal at all. We’re talking about eating 8k in credit here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathize. I don’t have quite the same problem because at least my husband is willing to travel a few times a year but he Point blank *refuses* to take more than a week off at a time which precludes most types of interesting travel with time zone changes, like to Europe or Asia or Africa.

It drives me nuts because, as you say, no one is indispensable. He should be able to take 2 weeks off like other normal professionals. It’s his ego getting in the way.

I’m going to agree with Dh on this one. People in finance do not take off 2 weeks at a time on the regular. My DH also works in finance, and he takes a week at Christmas, a week in the summer and a week at spring break. They have unlimited vacation? But there very likely might not be anyone who can cover for him, and if clients are calling, they don’t like that you are slacking off for two weeks.

I really think he needs to be ok with you taking vacation on your own. Maybe buy a beach house for you al to go to for the summer.

PP here. Because of the Pandemic, we missed one of our planned vacations. So now we have airfare and hotel credit we need to use in 3021. We usually travel over Xmas break, Feb break, April break, a week in July, and one in August. Because of restrictions/location/school dates, the time that makes the most sense to reschedule our 2020 credit is in late June. He is now giving me a hard time because he doesn’t want to take a week off in June, one in July, and one in August. There all a month apart! I don’t see the big deal at all. We’re talking about eating 8k in credit here.

COVID!

[Anonymous]

I would work the angle that a great way to build wealth is in your house too. Houses aren’t bad investments.

I’m sorry he’s like this. I hope you have a cleaning lady and hire out everything else.

[Anonymous]

Everything is fine. My dad is a workaholic (I wish I could say he WAS, but still working 7 days a week at almost 70), he won't change. As to vacations, definitely book them. He will squeeze work in half the morning and afternoon and again before bed. But you need vacations, you need them. The house I kind of agree with him. I hate a big house when paying your starter off is in sight.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, this sounds sad. I hope you get some resolution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It sounds like your living standards would increase if you divorced and lived off child support and half your assets. You can probably negotiate to keep the house — and it’s unlikely you’d be able something more expensive. However you could easily take vacations, hire cleaners, etc. right now it sounds like you have the lifestyle of someone who makes 75K. You would probably get double that (at least) in a divorce. Plus half the retirement accounyes, assets, etc.

Do it.

She will never do this, because she wants the living standards of someone pulling in $1M not $150k.

But she doesn’t have the living standards of someone making 1 million. Their house is 500K and the only vacations she’s allowed to do are to visit her in-laws beach house. She’s also not allowed to hire a handyman or a housekeeper. If she got divorced, she would be able to do all of those things because she would control the money. Having a large HHI that she cannot access does not help her.

She said he grew up poor, how can they own a beach house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It sounds like your living standards would increase if you divorced and lived off child support and half your assets. You can probably negotiate to keep the house — and it’s unlikely you’d be able something more expensive. However you could easily take vacations, hire cleaners, etc. right now it sounds like you have the lifestyle of someone who makes 75K. You would probably get double that (at least) in a divorce. Plus half the retirement accounyes, assets, etc.

Do it.

She will never do this, because she wants the living standards of someone pulling in $1M not $150k.

Guess what? My friend’s ex made seven figures and they got divorced. She gets $10k a month alimony for 1/2 the length of the marriage plus child support for three kids which is many thousands a month. Yeah she had to downgrade to a $1m house, but it’s more than adequate. He only wanted the kids every other weekend so she gets paid extra. She doesn’t even have to work. This can be you op. Take half of the assets and leave this loser. Do you even love him? Does he love you or the kids? Doesn’t sound like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathize. I don’t have quite the same problem because at least my husband is willing to travel a few times a year but he Point blank *refuses* to take more than a week off at a time which precludes most types of interesting travel with time zone changes, like to Europe or Asia or Africa.

It drives me nuts because, as you say, no one is indispensable. He should be able to take 2 weeks off like other normal professionals. It’s his ego getting in the way.

I’m going to agree with Dh on this one. People in finance do not take off 2 weeks at a time on the regular. My DH also works in finance, and he takes a week at Christmas, a week in the summer and a week at spring break. They have unlimited vacation? But there very likely might not be anyone who can cover for him, and if clients are calling, they don’t like that you are slacking off for two weeks.

I really think he needs to be ok with you taking vacation on your own. Maybe buy a beach house for you al to go to for the summer.

PP here. Because of the Pandemic, we missed one of our planned vacations. So now we have airfare and hotel credit we need to use in 3021. We usually travel over Xmas break, Feb break, April break, a week in July, and one in August. Because of restrictions/location/school dates, the time that makes the most sense to reschedule our 2020 credit is in late June. He is now giving me a hard time because he doesn’t want to take a week off in June, one in July, and one in August. There all a month apart! I don’t see the big deal at all. We’re talking about eating 8k in credit here.

COVID!

Seriously. Get some perspective PP. Many people with much less have lost so much more. You are a wealthy SAHM, you will never notice $8k missed.

I know in my Federal office we would get side off taking one week off every month in the summer; he’s in a competitive private company where others will look to take his business.

[Anonymous]

He sounds selfish, controlling, uncaring and not very much fun. Does he plan to spend that money from the grave? My cousin died suddenly at 43 with a massive heart attack, leaving behind wife and young son. Stress may have been the main factor. Life is short. If I were you I’d divorce. Get a really good lawyer and get on with life. My husband and I make far less and we take nice vacations and have fun with our kids on low cost adventures too. And we don’t have much debt. It can be done.

[Anonymous]

This sounds exactly like my husband.
We bought a bigger house but a bargain one and he refuses to fix anything in it or spend money on furniture.
We also do one beach vacation per only with his
Family. I’ve finally realized my husband has aspergers. He is controlling, puts me down, cruel, everything his way.
I work but it doesn’t really matter. He’s in control of All of our vacations and house things. I do spend what I want on clothes or food or things like throw pillows. It’s miserable. I have no self esteem.
Hugs to you OP. I wish I had the courage to leave but co parenting would be a nightmare

[Anonymous]

OP,

I have a girlfriend in the exact same situaiton. Her husband(also works in finance!) is the biggest jerk in the world.

And guess what? She is a teacher too. She has gone back to teaching. The idiot husband pays for their nanny, and my friend makes pretty much the cost of the nanny. It just does not make sense. MY friend would rather stay home with their children (3 all under the age of 7- the youngest is not even a year old). However, the imbalance of power was just too much for her.

Her husband has not changed -- he is cheap, rude and extremely self centered(does not help out with his kids at all), but she does not have to ask him for money for every little thing. Additionally, she feels better about herself; his terrible attitude had begun to play a number on her self esteem.

Get a job. When he tells you he works hard for his money, tell him "So do I"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I have a girlfriend in the exact same situaiton. Her husband(also works in finance!) is the biggest jerk in the world.

And guess what? She is a teacher too. She has gone back to teaching. The idiot husband pays for their nanny, and my friend makes pretty much the cost of the nanny. It just does not make sense. MY friend would rather stay home with their children (3 all under the age of 7- the youngest is not even a year old). However, the imbalance of power was just too much for her.

Her husband has not changed -- he is cheap, rude and extremely self centered(does not help out with his kids at all), but she does not have to ask him for money for every little thing. Additionally, she feels better about herself; his terrible attitude had begun to play a number on her self esteem.

Get a job. When he tells you he works hard for his money, tell him "So do I"

Well think about it. People go into a job because of passion, teacher cares about students, doctors care for patients, lawyers even have a glint for justice, but finance? You are 100% mercantile mercenary — your precious passion is money. And OP wants to take those darlings and toss them away for... fleeting vacations (which with kids always kinda suck anyway).

There are no surprises here.