WWYD: DH becoming cheap, workaholic

[Anonymous]

if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

[Anonymous]

Personally? I would get a job because it sounds like the power imbalance doesn’t matter to him. That way at least you can start building your own income and have money for the things you want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Is he spending money on something else without telling you, and

2. Do you have joint accounts and credit cards and can you access all the financial information?

3. If all seems above-board, then you have to sit him down and that say that you have serious concerns about this marriage because he gets to do everything he wants, and refuses to do the things you want. It's fundamentally unfair.

4. Over the course of several conversations, you have to convince him that you get a say in how money is spent, you need a break even if he doesn't. He needs to understand a very important concept that he is not like most people and that he needs to take other people's needs into account.

5. I would refuse to take that in-law vacation and I would book a nice trip (post-pandemic) for myself and the children, with perhaps your relatives or friends. It's your money too, and you only have one life to live, OP. Don't live on his terms and stay miserable.

1. No

2. Yes

3. We have had this kind of conversation but it never goes well. The last time we had it was when he bought an expensive car. He was like "I work hard and I deserve this." Which I don't disagree with. The time before that was when he wanted to join a $$$ for golf. Again, I don't have a problem with that if we can do other things like travel. But it's weird when he refuses my requests to hire household help. We don't have any cleaning or law help. He won't even let me hire painters or handymen and insists of fixing things around the house himself. I can't get him to see why this is weird though. He's very much a "why would I hire someone to do something for me when I can do it myself."

4. He was really against the idea of my taking the kids away on a vacation by myself.

To answer the other poster's question, he's in his early forties. I don't think he is worried about his specific job but he does see that the industry is changing. We have a lot of money saved though. I don't know what he thinks we need this money for since he has no plans to use it on anything besides the kids' college educations.

What exactly is his industry? Wealth management (ie, investing money for clients directly)?

Him spending money on himself and not you or the household, I really hope this is a troll b/c that is F'd up. Like narcissist level messed up. If he works all the time, why would he care if you go on vacation? I am an involved DH, and love taking vacations, but if DS wanted to take off, we had the money and she had the time, I would be happy if they got to off by themselves for a while (and honestly being alone in the house is kind of nice too).

He invests money. Works primarily with institutional clients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was he like when you married him? Is he from a poor family?

He is, yes. He has always been frugal and hardworking. I should have said that earlier. It’s just in the last few years that it’s getting worse and turning more into cheap and workaholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Is he spending money on something else without telling you, and

2. Do you have joint accounts and credit cards and can you access all the financial information?

3. If all seems above-board, then you have to sit him down and that say that you have serious concerns about this marriage because he gets to do everything he wants, and refuses to do the things you want. It's fundamentally unfair.

4. Over the course of several conversations, you have to convince him that you get a say in how money is spent, you need a break even if he doesn't. He needs to understand a very important concept that he is not like most people and that he needs to take other people's needs into account.

5. I would refuse to take that in-law vacation and I would book a nice trip (post-pandemic) for myself and the children, with perhaps your relatives or friends. It's your money too, and you only have one life to live, OP. Don't live on his terms and stay miserable.

1. No

2. Yes

3. We have had this kind of conversation but it never goes well. The last time we had it was when he bought an expensive car. He was like "I work hard and I deserve this." Which I don't disagree with. The time before that was when he wanted to join a $$$ for golf. Again, I don't have a problem with that if we can do other things like travel. But it's weird when he refuses my requests to hire household help. We don't have any cleaning or law help. He won't even let me hire painters or handymen and insists of fixing things around the house himself. I can't get him to see why this is weird though. He's very much a "why would I hire someone to do something for me when I can do it myself."

4. He was really against the idea of my taking the kids away on a vacation by myself.

To answer the other poster's question, he's in his early forties. I don't think he is worried about his specific job but he does see that the industry is changing. We have a lot of money saved though. I don't know what he thinks we need this money for since he has no plans to use it on anything besides the kids' college educations.

What exactly is his industry? Wealth management (ie, investing money for clients directly)?

Him spending money on himself and not you or the household, I really hope this is a troll b/c that is F'd up. Like narcissist level messed up. If he works all the time, why would he care if you go on vacation? I am an involved DH, and love taking vacations, but if DS wanted to take off, we had the money and she had the time, I would be happy if they got to off by themselves for a while (and honestly being alone in the house is kind of nice too).

He invests money. Works primarily with institutional clients.

So I would guess he's at a place like CARLYLE? Yeah, they are BRUTAL and cut throat. He can't let off the pedal. And robotech is coming for them, b/c they aren't big enough to bring costs down like Fidelity or the WS IBs, and aren't smart enough to really beat the market, and roboadvisors will be coming for their lunch. How much does he talk about work with you?

[Anonymous]

How did he grow up? Did his family struggle financially? I’m just getting to get a handle on the source of his thought process. I assume you have multiple millions saved up at this point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Is he spending money on something else without telling you, and

2. Do you have joint accounts and credit cards and can you access all the financial information?

3. If all seems above-board, then you have to sit him down and that say that you have serious concerns about this marriage because he gets to do everything he wants, and refuses to do the things you want. It's fundamentally unfair.

4. Over the course of several conversations, you have to convince him that you get a say in how money is spent, you need a break even if he doesn't. He needs to understand a very important concept that he is not like most people and that he needs to take other people's needs into account.

5. I would refuse to take that in-law vacation and I would book a nice trip (post-pandemic) for myself and the children, with perhaps your relatives or friends. It's your money too, and you only have one life to live, OP. Don't live on his terms and stay miserable.

1. No

2. Yes

3. We have had this kind of conversation but it never goes well. The last time we had it was when he bought an expensive car. He was like "I work hard and I deserve this." Which I don't disagree with. The time before that was when he wanted to join a $$$ for golf. Again, I don't have a problem with that if we can do other things like travel. But it's weird when he refuses my requests to hire household help. We don't have any cleaning or law help. He won't even let me hire painters or handymen and insists of fixing things around the house himself. I can't get him to see why this is weird though. He's very much a "why would I hire someone to do something for me when I can do it myself."

4. He was really against the idea of my taking the kids away on a vacation by myself.

To answer the other poster's question, he's in his early forties. I don't think he is worried about his specific job but he does see that the industry is changing. We have a lot of money saved though. I don't know what he thinks we need this money for since he has no plans to use it on anything besides the kids' college educations.

I am very glad to hear that you have access to the money, OP.

Many years ago, my husband controlled all our finances. I didn't even have my own credit card. He didn't see why I needed my own access to our finances, given that he could order for me and we went on vacations and generally agreed about money, but from my point of view, it was terribly humiliating and infantilizing, because I had to ask him for money every time we needed something and he nitpicked every suggestion I had about spending money (like your husband, a very cheap and DIY personality). I spent years convincing him that this wasn't healthy for our relationship.

You don't have quite the same problem, but you may need to have multiple conversations over a long period of time persuading him of your point of view. The alternative solution is divorce. You might want to point out to him that it's WAY MORE EXPENSIVE for him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was he like when you married him? Is he from a poor family?

He is, yes. He has always been frugal and hardworking. I should have said that earlier. It’s just in the last few years that it’s getting worse and turning more into cheap and workaholic.

Did you grow up poor? Did you marry him before he had money? Why not try to do the type of vacations you did when you got together? My DW and I grew up poor and despite still not having much money love to do camping weekends and renting kayaks. Do you have family that live anyplace interesting? Visit them and stay with them as home base to visit some national parks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did he grow up? Did his family struggle financially? I’m just getting to get a handle on the source of his thought process. I assume you have multiple millions saved up at this point?

He probably is also worried about supporting his FOB eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did he grow up? Did his family struggle financially? I’m just getting to get a handle on the source of his thought process. I assume you have multiple millions saved up at this point?

He probably is also worried about supporting his FOB eventually.

And OPs assuming she grew up poor as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Is he spending money on something else without telling you, and

2. Do you have joint accounts and credit cards and can you access all the financial information?

3. If all seems above-board, then you have to sit him down and that say that you have serious concerns about this marriage because he gets to do everything he wants, and refuses to do the things you want. It's fundamentally unfair.

4. Over the course of several conversations, you have to convince him that you get a say in how money is spent, you need a break even if he doesn't. He needs to understand a very important concept that he is not like most people and that he needs to take other people's needs into account.

5. I would refuse to take that in-law vacation and I would book a nice trip (post-pandemic) for myself and the children, with perhaps your relatives or friends. It's your money too, and you only have one life to live, OP. Don't live on his terms and stay miserable.

1. No

2. Yes

3. We have had this kind of conversation but it never goes well. The last time we had it was when he bought an expensive car. He was like "I work hard and I deserve this." Which I don't disagree with. The time before that was when he wanted to join a $$$ for golf. Again, I don't have a problem with that if we can do other things like travel. But it's weird when he refuses my requests to hire household help. We don't have any cleaning or law help. He won't even let me hire painters or handymen and insists of fixing things around the house himself. I can't get him to see why this is weird though. He's very much a "why would I hire someone to do something for me when I can do it myself."

4. He was really against the idea of my taking the kids away on a vacation by myself.

To answer the other poster's question, he's in his early forties. I don't think he is worried about his specific job but he does see that the industry is changing. We have a lot of money saved though. I don't know what he thinks we need this money for since he has no plans to use it on anything besides the kids' college educations.

Well, how much do you have saved for retirement? The fact you said you don’t know what he will spend it on other than college makes me wonder if you are a bit financially clueless. Retirement is very expensive. Do you have 300k in each of the kids’ college accounts? Do you have at least four or five million saved for retirement?

Regardless, you should be able to take more than one vacation a year and hire a housekeeper a few times a month.

The guy makes over $1million a year, they have a tiny mortgage, and the guy doesn’t like to spend money. If they can’t afford retirement, there is literally no hope for the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if u want to spend money then get a job and spend your money.

Yeah, you guys are in your 40s, kids are in school, get a part time job and use that slush fund for fun.

Probably should get counseling, but at this point you have little recourse. In our house everyone has "veto" power -- I can say no to something my spouse can buy and vice versa, and it sounds like you sorta of have that.

If you want impunity of spending, you need separate accounts and either have him give you an "allowance" or earn your own.

Well I can’t get a job until the Pandemic ends and kids go back to school full time. The younger ones need a lot of organizational help and hand holding on the asynchronous days.

Plus the 4 yo won’t start full time school for another year and a half.

The thing is though, even I got a job, I would be making so much less than him it would be laughable. How would me making ~ 50k really change our dynamic? This is what I wonder. It’s not like we’re not going on vacation now because we can’t afford it. He made over a million dollars last year. We can afford an extra vacation. He just doesn’t want to take the time off for it and he doesn’t want me to go alone.

Yeah, but your $50k would be yours to do whatever you want with, and a $50k vacation would be very very nice. Are you sure it would be *that* low? What is your career/education?

And even just contributing something can change the dynamic.

How many kids do you have? You have older and younger ones in school, and a 4 year old in your 40s??????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was he like when you married him? Is he from a poor family?

He is, yes. He has always been frugal and hardworking. I should have said that earlier. It’s just in the last few years that it’s getting worse and turning more into cheap and workaholic.

Did you grow up poor? Did you marry him before he had money? Why not try to do the type of vacations you did when you got together? My DW and I grew up poor and despite still not having much money love to do camping weekends and renting kayaks. Do you have family that live anyplace interesting? Visit them and stay with them as home base to visit some national parks.

I did, yes. At first we didn’t travel because we didn’t have the money and neither of us was that into it back then. Then it was because of MY job, I couldn’t take the time off for various reasons, which is kind of funny now because I eventually gave it up.

All our immediate family lives local.