Husband's beloved rural cabin makes me ill

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like Carrie on SATC when Aiden takes her to the country!!
HA.
But really: My husband's family owns a rural cabin in a very remote part of PA. There's nothing to do. When we were dating, I went along with it and pretended to be charmed. We lived across the country at the time and I thought, how bad could it be?

Well now we're back in the area and he wants to go there throughout the summer. It causes fights. There is a tiny bathroom without effective plumbing, but the main issue is mold -- there's something in the home that makes me wheeze and break out in hives on my neck and chest whenever I am inside and Nyquil or Benadryl doesn't touch it (or else just makes me sleep). There are no doors for the two small bedrooms and no shades so the light pours in at 5 a.m.

The only alternative to being inside is to spend all my time on a screen porch.

He takes the kids fly-fishing or canoeing, neither of which I do.

My issue is normally I just suck it up for a weekend in the summer but he really gets resentful and wants to go more. Next week, I am launching a massive initiative at work that a promotion depends on. I have spent the past month head down on it working weekends and nights sometimes. I want nothing more to spend a quiet Labor Day hanging with my family. DH is upset and wants to go to the log cabin. I said please, I just need a quiet weekend to regroup before my big event, can we do small trips close to home, and he's pissed off. Then he said fine I want to go, just stay home alone.
So basically I spent the weekend alone by myself or go to the cabin where I'll get no sleep due to my allergies.

WWYD

Does this mean that he has been more or less solo with the kids evenings and weekends for a month?

This weekend really isn’t about you. He probably needs to get out of the house and get the kids out of the house. I’m sorry that you are having to work so much, but it isn’t fair to ask him and the kids to hang around the house all weekend so that they can be available to hang out with you when you aren’t working or resting.
Go with them or stay at home, but don’t be resentful about it. You’ve been off working hard, and a quiet weekend at home sounds lovely, but they might be going stir crazy being at home, and another quiet weekend with no plans sounds like torture.

This is an interesting way of looking at it I’m surprised it took nine pages to come up

Ha ha ha ha ha, no. It's not surprising because of course he hasn't been solo with the kids evenings and weekends for a month. Come on.

I don’t know. Maybe they have an amazing nanny or family help, but typically if one parent is head down on it at work, then the other parent is holding down the fort at home.

[Anonymous]

I was in the position of your husband. And his lying about what he enjoyed but really didn't was the root of why he's now my ex. He eventually got tired of me continuing to act as though he liked doing all the things he'd faked and not letting him off the hook. I would never in a million years have dated him seriously had I known how he really felt about things that I value. I absolutely wanted to be a mom who took the kids kayaking and fishing and nurtured a love of nature and the outdoors in them. I never once hid that from him, and in fact I intentionally tested him on this several times before we got engaged. Had I known that he wasn't interested in that we wouldn't have lasted longer than a month. It's a huge turn off to me when somebody hates the outdoors.

I hope you realize that your rejection of the cabin activity is insulting to his family of origin. Do you not see how much of who he is is wrapped up in that cabin? If I were you, I'd have a real come to Jesus with myself. You're going to not only lose his affection for you, you're going to make it very clear to your kids what a stick in the mud prissy pants mother they have, and that cannot be good for you in the long run. It's bad enough that you foolishly lied. But don't continue your bad behavior by refusing to find a way to make this work. This is your chance to raise children who appreciate something that really matters to him. Don't blow it.

I actually just had a conversation with our fishing boat captain at the beach about a similar situation. He obviously loves being out on the water and loves to fish, but his wife doesn't. But he knew that about her from the beginning and chose to marry her anyhow. It certainly isn't a compromise I would make. But at least it's on him to live with his choice, and he gets that. You chose to marry a man who loves his musty rural cabin and kayaking, and who wants to share this with his own family. He didn't withhold any info about this from you. You knowingly accepted the man and his cabin. Even if you'd continued living across the country from this cabin, you had to know that outdoor activities would be a big part of your family life together. Don't even try to deny that. Now it's time for you to make good on your commitment to him and the life he offered you. You have absolutely no right to make him endure your pouting. Take it from me, it is almost certainly infuriating to him to see you act like that now and it's chipping away at his love for you. And don't for one minute think that there are not dozens of women who would love to have a man who wants to spend weekends with his wife and kids at a remote cabin. You can be replaced very easily and few people will think he was wrong to leave you, especially his family.

I do believe that something is causing you to have headaches and itchy eyes or whatever. But you need to have the cabin tested for mold and remediate any problems, and you need to have your doc work with you to find the right medication to stop the reactions. Good luck. You do realize that plenty of parents take medications so that their children can experience raising a cat or dog, right? Your allergies are not an excuse if you don't even try to control them.

[Anonymous]

If you're getting seriously ill from that place, you shouldn't be going, period. And your spouse should be completely understanding, and certainly not guilting/forcing you into going anyway. My goodness, what a selfish dude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd stay home. I'd never go there again based on your description- BUT I also would be freaked to have him and the kids near mold.

+1
The kids should also not be around a mold situation that's that bad. That sounds truly horrific

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd stay home. I'd never go there again based on your description- BUT I also would be freaked to have him and the kids near mold.

+1
The kids should also not be around a mold situation that's that bad. That sounds truly horrific

That was my first thought. Mold isn't good for anyone. Some may be more reactive to it but it's not healthy for anyone.

I'd talk about hiring a professional to deal with the mold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd stay home. I'd never go there again based on your description- BUT I also would be freaked to have him and the kids near mold.

+1
The kids should also not be around a mold situation that's that bad. That sounds truly horrific

That was my first thought. Mold isn't good for anyone. Some may be more reactive to it but it's not healthy for anyone.

I'd talk about hiring a professional to deal with the mold.

Yeah but tbh I wouldnt feel comfortable there even after the mold was "treated". Mold is very tricky and resilient and if it's gotten that bad where people are breaking out in hives, IMO, it would be extremely difficult and require a ton of chemicals to get rid of it.

I have a rural family property that I am very attached to too, so I get it. But part of being an adult is realizing that you have to make sacrifices and that the sacred house of your childhood may not measure up in the same way as an adult and it's time to make adjustments. IMO, if he wants a rural property, fine. But then shell out the money to buy something nice, with AC and doors (!) and all the other stuff. Dont force everyone into a mold infested, rotting old cabin with no doors just because you grew up going there

[Anonymous]

"IMO, if he wants a rural property, fine. But then shell out the money to buy something nice, with AC and doors (!) and all the other stuff. Dont force everyone into a mold infested, rotting old cabin with no doors just because you grew up going ther"

Exactly where in her post did OP say anything to give you the impression that she would want for them to buy a different rural cabin? She outright said she doesn't want to kayak or do other outdoors activities, and that just being in the outdoors triggers her allergies. She doesn't find visiting a "boring" rural cabin to be fun or appealing in any way. But note that she says that now, after she tricked the husband into thinking she liked that sort of thing. She presented herself as a woman who enjoyed the outdoors and but now wants to make him to forego his cabin trips and instead stay in the city with her. Someone above said it clearly when they called this a bait and switch. I wouldn't be surprised if there are lots of other things she pretended to like when they were dating.

What I find fascinating is that she doesn't seem to want to own up to the fact that she married a man she doesn't really like. Or maybe she just doesn't want to face he consequences of that choice? It looks like he told her loud and clear that he loved that cabin and the activities one does at a cabin, and she lied to herself about wanting a man who is into that sort of thing.

Next time someone asks in the Relationships Forum about questions to ask/flags to look for in a potential spouse, this one needs to go on the list. And people of any gender need to stop posing and pretending to be something they're not while dating. It doesn't do anybody any favors to lie while dating because the truth will come out eventually. It's hard enough to determine whether you've picking the right life partner without someone actively concealing things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"IMO, if he wants a rural property, fine. But then shell out the money to buy something nice, with AC and doors (!) and all the other stuff. Dont force everyone into a mold infested, rotting old cabin with no doors just because you grew up going ther"

Exactly where in her post did OP say anything to give you the impression that she would want for them to buy a different rural cabin? She outright said she doesn't want to kayak or do other outdoors activities, and that just being in the outdoors triggers her allergies. She doesn't find visiting a "boring" rural cabin to be fun or appealing in any way. But note that she says that now, after she tricked the husband into thinking she liked that sort of thing. She presented herself as a woman who enjoyed the outdoors and but now wants to make him to forego his cabin trips and instead stay in the city with her. Someone above said it clearly when they called this a bait and switch. I wouldn't be surprised if there are lots of other things she pretended to like when they were dating.

What I find fascinating is that she doesn't seem to want to own up to the fact that she married a man she doesn't really like. Or maybe she just doesn't want to face he consequences of that choice? It looks like he told her loud and clear that he loved that cabin and the activities one does at a cabin, and she lied to herself about wanting a man who is into that sort of thing.

Next time someone asks in the Relationships Forum about questions to ask/flags to look for in a potential spouse, this one needs to go on the list. And people of any gender need to stop posing and pretending to be something they're not while dating. It doesn't do anybody any favors to lie while dating because the truth will come out eventually. It's hard enough to determine whether you've picking the right life partner without someone actively concealing things.

Okay... and? That's the point of having a nice rural home with a satellite TV, internet connection, nice indoor space with a kitchen. At my family's rural place, part of the joy is, yes, hikes in the woods and kayaking and all of that. But a big part is cooking together in our huge kitchen or having a movie night together in front of the big TV, or sitting inside in the comfortable library and reading. Those are all part of the rural experience.

That's why it's important for both spouses to be happy with a situation. I would never dream of forcing any of my partners to come to our family country house if it was a one room log cabin with mold and nothing to do. That's just selfish. Part of having these houses is knowing that a big part of your attachment is your childhood connection and (rightfully so) your partner isnt going to be as charmed by the little quirks, because a big part of it is affection/memories/nostalgia. That's why you compromise and make sure your partner is comfortable there too.

Also, these houses require a lot of upkeep, which is where you can work in the additional updates to make a partner happy. That's probably why this place has a horrific mold infestation, sounds like it's just a dump and no one upkeeps it the way they should.

[Anonymous]

"He takes the kids fly-fishing or canoeing, neither of which I do."

No. It's more like neither of these activities are things she feels like learning to do.

I'm not a natural athlete and don't particularly like playing catch or kicking a soccer ball back and forth with mosquitos biting me, but you know what I did for hours at a time when my kids were little?! I was even a scout den mother who had to come up with badge activities and buy supplies once a week because I wanted for my kids to experience scouting. And really, what kind of person can't suck it up for an afternoon to take a canoe ride with their children while the kids are still interested in spending time with their parents? Does OP have any idea how lucky she is to have a spouse who wants to do this with the kids? Most dads these days can't be bothered.

I scoffed when I read the part about fly-fishing because I literally just bought a fly-fishing reel and rod this summer so that my son and I could learn how to do this over the next 12 months before he grows up and leaves for college. Would I rather watch Masterpiece Theatre and sip wine? Usually, yes. But I remind myself that the days with kids living under my roof are numbered and every second counts. They only get one childhood but we as parents have decades ahead of us as empty nesters to indulge our own interests. And selfishly, I see it as an investment in my relationship with my kids. I hope that one day when I am old and wanting their attention, they'll have enough happy memories of us enjoying family time together that they'll think to include me in the activities they do with their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"He takes the kids fly-fishing or canoeing, neither of which I do."

No. It's more like neither of these activities are things she feels like learning to do.

I'm not a natural athlete and don't particularly like playing catch or kicking a soccer ball back and forth with mosquitos biting me, but you know what I did for hours at a time when my kids were little?! I was even a scout den mother who had to come up with badge activities and buy supplies once a week because I wanted for my kids to experience scouting. And really, what kind of person can't suck it up for an afternoon to take a canoe ride with their children while the kids are still interested in spending time with their parents? Does OP have any idea how lucky she is to have a spouse who wants to do this with the kids? Most dads these days can't be bothered.

I scoffed when I read the part about fly-fishing because I literally just bought a fly-fishing reel and rod this summer so that my son and I could learn how to do this over the next 12 months before he grows up and leaves for college. Would I rather watch Masterpiece Theatre and sip wine? Usually, yes. But I remind myself that the days with kids living under my roof are numbered and every second counts. They only get one childhood but we as parents have decades ahead of us as empty nesters to indulge our own interests. And selfishly, I see it as an investment in my relationship with my kids. I hope that one day when I am old and wanting their attention, they'll have enough happy memories of us enjoying family time together that they'll think to include me in the activities they do with their children.

This is awesome! Your son is lucky to have a parent that so cherishes the time spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"He takes the kids fly-fishing or canoeing, neither of which I do."

No. It's more like neither of these activities are things she feels like learning to do.

I'm not a natural athlete and don't particularly like playing catch or kicking a soccer ball back and forth with mosquitos biting me, but you know what I did for hours at a time when my kids were little?! I was even a scout den mother who had to come up with badge activities and buy supplies once a week because I wanted for my kids to experience scouting. And really, what kind of person can't suck it up for an afternoon to take a canoe ride with their children while the kids are still interested in spending time with their parents? Does OP have any idea how lucky she is to have a spouse who wants to do this with the kids? Most dads these days can't be bothered.

I scoffed when I read the part about fly-fishing because I literally just bought a fly-fishing reel and rod this summer so that my son and I could learn how to do this over the next 12 months before he grows up and leaves for college. Would I rather watch Masterpiece Theatre and sip wine? Usually, yes. But I remind myself that the days with kids living under my roof are numbered and every second counts. They only get one childhood but we as parents have decades ahead of us as empty nesters to indulge our own interests. And selfishly, I see it as an investment in my relationship with my kids. I hope that one day when I am old and wanting their attention, they'll have enough happy memories of us enjoying family time together that they'll think to include me in the activities they do with their children.

No one really cares, and this is totally irrelevant from living in a place with a debilitating mold infection. Humblebrag about your sad fly fishing lark elsewhere

[Anonymous]

I love how OP said that she had an allergic reaction when she was at the cabin, and in DCUM’s mind that has become a rotting, life-threatening, mold-infested cabin. I would bet money that OP has no idea whether or not there is actually mold in the cabin. She references “mold,” but then says “there’s something in the cabin.” Tellingly, this reference is sandwiched between her complaints about the plumbing, and lack of window coverings and doors, and disinterest in outdoor activities. Her allergic reaction could be to anything, and why in the world would she take NyQuil for an allergy? And then complain that it makes her sleepy?

This is a person who doesn’t want to go, and is looking for excuses, and you all are jumping to the conclusion that the father is endangering his children by taking them to this cabin.

If OP doesn’t want to go, she shouldn’t go, but she should also accept that she lied to her husband about something that is very important to him, and now she’s suffering the consequences. Instead, she’s trying to get support for the idea that he should have to give up that thing that’s important him (that she lied about). You don’t think it’s possible that she’s lying (or at least greatly exaggerating) her “allergies,” as well?

Newsflash: selfish, lying people are selfish and lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in the position of your husband. And his lying about what he enjoyed but really didn't was the root of why he's now my ex. He eventually got tired of me continuing to act as though he liked doing all the things he'd faked and not letting him off the hook. I would never in a million years have dated him seriously had I known how he really felt about things that I value. I absolutely wanted to be a mom who took the kids kayaking and fishing and nurtured a love of nature and the outdoors in them. I never once hid that from him, and in fact I intentionally tested him on this several times before we got engaged. Had I known that he wasn't interested in that we wouldn't have lasted longer than a month. It's a huge turn off to me when somebody hates the outdoors.

I hope you realize that your rejection of the cabin activity is insulting to his family of origin. Do you not see how much of who he is is wrapped up in that cabin? If I were you, I'd have a real come to Jesus with myself. You're going to not only lose his affection for you, you're going to make it very clear to your kids what a stick in the mud prissy pants mother they have, and that cannot be good for you in the long run. It's bad enough that you foolishly lied. But don't continue your bad behavior by refusing to find a way to make this work. This is your chance to raise children who appreciate something that really matters to him. Don't blow it.

I actually just had a conversation with our fishing boat captain at the beach about a similar situation. He obviously loves being out on the water and loves to fish, but his wife doesn't. But he knew that about her from the beginning and chose to marry her anyhow. It certainly isn't a compromise I would make. But at least it's on him to live with his choice, and he gets that. You chose to marry a man who loves his musty rural cabin and kayaking, and who wants to share this with his own family. He didn't withhold any info about this from you. You knowingly accepted the man and his cabin. Even if you'd continued living across the country from this cabin, you had to know that outdoor activities would be a big part of your family life together. Don't even try to deny that. Now it's time for you to make good on your commitment to him and the life he offered you. You have absolutely no right to make him endure your pouting. Take it from me, it is almost certainly infuriating to him to see you act like that now and it's chipping away at his love for you. And don't for one minute think that there are not dozens of women who would love to have a man who wants to spend weekends with his wife and kids at a remote cabin. You can be replaced very easily and few people will think he was wrong to leave you, especially his family.

I do believe that something is causing you to have headaches and itchy eyes or whatever. But you need to have the cabin tested for mold and remediate any problems, and you need to have your doc work with you to find the right medication to stop the reactions. Good luck. You do realize that plenty of parents take medications so that their children can experience raising a cat or dog, right? Your allergies are not an excuse if you don't even try to control them.

Oh my god you are insane.

FYI, the number one strategy allergy doctors will tell you to do is avoidance. Meaning, do not spend your weekends in musty old cabins. Or around pets. Parents should not take medication just so their kid can have a dog. You are basically saying a parent should agree to have cold and cough and itchy eye symptoms so their kid can have dog. That’s crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is allergic to everything. We always travel with a HEPA machine to clean the air. Run it 24/7. It helps. Also you should see an allergist. When things are really bad for my DH he starts stacking his allergy meds. Worst case scenario is Claritin D 24 hour plus Singulaire. He also has special eye drops.

One pattern I’ve observed on social media:
When DH has an issue, it’s “We travel with..”, “We always make sure that..”

When it’s the wife, the DH could care less.

[Anonymous]

I hope OP stayed home and enjoyed her weekend alone without DH and the kids.